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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my husband NOT to tell his parents every time we argue

107 replies

Chipmunk09 · 18/09/2023 18:00

DH and I had a disagreement yesterday (I wouldn’t even say it was an argument but it got heated and I was upset). Now I can hear him in the other room divulging every detail to his parents over FaceTime. I’ve asked him before not to do this because it makes me uncomfortable with them knowing we’ve had an argument. Also I feel like it doesn’t paint me in a very good light, as obviously he’s going to be bias.

I have never ever told my mum or any other family member when we’ve had an argument. I feel like it is something deeply personal and I’ve always tried to resolve the issue between us.

I’m still upset following yesterday’s disagreement and I have been cold with him all day. I just have no energy to engage with him. I feel like he never truly understands my perspective or takes responsibility for his own actions. Him running to his parents just makes me even more mad!!!

AIBU to ask him not to tell his parents about our arguments?

OP posts:

Thepeopleversuswork · 18/09/2023 18:01

Jesus that would be a dealbreaker for me. How old is he?

Sleepo · 18/09/2023 18:02

Urgh, I couldn’t stand this.

sodthesodoff · 18/09/2023 18:04

Is he a child? Does he need their approval?

Urgh

AutumnCrow · 18/09/2023 18:04

What's he actually saying to them?! Stuff about the original disagreement, or that you are being off with him - or both?

It all sounds really immature and annoying. I wouldn't like it, no.

RamsesTheChub · 18/09/2023 18:05

It's perfectly reasonable to not want it being reported to all & sundry, but if your coping mechanism is to freeze him out you're not really in a position to question his.

Original poster

Chipmunk09 · 18/09/2023 18:05

@Sleepo hes 30 years old! A grown man!

@AutumnCrow yes, basically both. Details of what we argued about and how I’ve been cold with him! It’s ridiculous!!

OP posts:

Itick8outof10boxes · 18/09/2023 18:08

Look close enough and hey, there's the umbilical cord with his mum. I'd be put off by this behaviour, does he tell them about other stuff, like when you have sex?

cruffinsmuffin · 18/09/2023 18:09

I think you being cold with him all day is a bit off tbh and doesn't really give you a good place to dictate his actions from - are you giving the silent treatment / ignoring him?

I don't think you should force him to not be able to speak to his family about his issues - divulging every detail is a bit much, but he should be free to talk about his life / discuss things that upset him or he's trying to deal with, with his family. Just because you don't want to talk to your family about it doesn't mean that's how other people deal with things.

AnnaMagnani · 18/09/2023 18:10

He needs to pack it in.

I rang my DM to tell her all about my first argument with my DH - she told me firmly that she was totally there for me if he was abusive but otherwise she did not want to hear about personal aspects of our relationship and I needed to talk to him and not her.

I was v hurt at the time but it was brilliant advice, made me and DH sort things out instead of going off to enrol our parents as cheerleaders in our disputes.

If your DH can't get this OP, and his parents just back him up in thinking he is always perfect, this marriage is not going to last.

Original poster

Chipmunk09 · 18/09/2023 18:12

@cruffinsmuffin i haven’t ignored him, no. I explained to him in the morning that I’d appreciate some space for me to collect my thoughts. We both work from home and it feels suffocating sometimes, so I really needed some breathing room.

It has crossed my mind that maybe this is how he deals with his emotions and he may find talking about it with family useful. But he never once says ‘actually I messed up’ it is always my fault! So it doesn’t paint a very good picture to my in laws.

OP posts:

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 18/09/2023 18:12

That would be the last bloody argument I would have with him.

Stellaroses · 18/09/2023 18:14

I think YABU. You being cold is not very mature and from his perspective he may be feeling isolated or frustrated. I think just talk it through calmly if it’s an issue that needs to be resolved, or move on.

YABU to tell him not to talk to his parents about something that is bothering him. I think that’s controlling tbh. If he’s upset or confused he can talk to whoever he likes surely? I’d be fuming if my dh told me not to share my worries with my mum. I would expect him to not slag you off though and stay quite factual.

MrsMous · 18/09/2023 18:16

Man child. That is him, you either stay or go but he’s not changing !

Tinkerbyebye · 18/09/2023 18:16

I would go and join in on the conversation and just say hi mol thought you would like to hear my side and deliver it

Lachimolala · 18/09/2023 18:18

It’s quite controlling really isn’t it. He’s keeping you right in your place, by letting you know if you dare not toe the line he’ll run snitching to mummy and daddy with a heavily biased account of events. Making you look less than favourable in their eyes. It’s like he’s training you to never step out of line again. He doesn’t seem very nice.

Sparkletastic · 18/09/2023 18:18

This would have me thinking seriously about exiting the marriage

AgentJohnson · 18/09/2023 18:19

Has he always been like this, or is it a recent development? May I suggest marriage counselling before this escalates further.

CrotchetyQuaver · 18/09/2023 18:22

I couldn't bear it if my DH had gone running telling tales to mummy and daddy every time we disagreed and giving them a blow by blow account. I'm pretty certain it would be a deal breaker for me.

Original poster

Chipmunk09 · 18/09/2023 18:23

@AgentJohnson not always, probably in the last year. I think there are some deep routed issues there. Counselling may be the way…

OP posts:

TomatoSandwiches · 18/09/2023 18:23

YANBU it's really immature and damaging to your marriage and if he was my son I would be telling him I didn't want to hear it unless there was abuse involved.
What a pathetic man child.

PerfectMatch · 18/09/2023 18:25

This would really annoy me. Especially that he's doing it within your earshot - is he deliberately trying to wind you up?

However I do agree with a pp that being cold and distant the day after an argument isn't great either. You may feel like you "need some space" but if I was him I'd feel like you were punishing me.

Have you considered counselling or a marriage course to help both of you find healthier ways for both of you to handle conflict?

fairyfluf · 18/09/2023 18:25

Awful behaviour

Mummy2mybear · 18/09/2023 18:28

I would end it to be honest what a joke he sounds like a nasty peice of work.

BonnieLisbon · 18/09/2023 18:29

The fact that he's bitching to them in your earshot makes it seem like a way of getting at you. Would he like it if you got on the phone to bitch about it in his hearing?

Potatomashed · 18/09/2023 18:32

I can see why you are frustrated and upset. There could be some positives in him actually verbalising his emotions and having a means to process them. Just a shame that he is using his parents and you then feel like it paints you in a bad light. Would this be the same is they were pointing out that he should have acted differently in the argument and took your side?

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