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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my husband NOT to tell his parents every time we argue

107 replies

Chipmunk09 · 18/09/2023 18:00

DH and I had a disagreement yesterday (I wouldn’t even say it was an argument but it got heated and I was upset). Now I can hear him in the other room divulging every detail to his parents over FaceTime. I’ve asked him before not to do this because it makes me uncomfortable with them knowing we’ve had an argument. Also I feel like it doesn’t paint me in a very good light, as obviously he’s going to be bias.

I have never ever told my mum or any other family member when we’ve had an argument. I feel like it is something deeply personal and I’ve always tried to resolve the issue between us.

I’m still upset following yesterday’s disagreement and I have been cold with him all day. I just have no energy to engage with him. I feel like he never truly understands my perspective or takes responsibility for his own actions. Him running to his parents just makes me even more mad!!!

AIBU to ask him not to tell his parents about our arguments?

OP posts:
Goldflap · 18/09/2023 21:52

I think his parents are also at fault too here for enabling and possibly encouraging such betrayal and tell tailing.
I can't think of many parents of adult children that would engage in this nonsense.

Gettingbysomehow · 18/09/2023 21:54

If my DS did this I'd give him short shrift.

wizzywig · 18/09/2023 21:56

Talk to them about your make up sex infront of your husband

StrawberryWater · 18/09/2023 21:57

If my oh did that I’d be wondering what else he told them.

It’s just so unsexy, I’m not sure I’d ever get wet again with a tattle tale running to his mommy for bitty every time we disagreed.

Krabappel · 18/09/2023 22:09

wizzywig · 18/09/2023 21:56

Talk to them about your make up sex infront of your husband

😲🫣

But to be honest, I've dealt with similar and I also believe that he who does not hear must feel, or whatever. So🤭

bingbongbang23 · 18/09/2023 22:16

Would hate that.

I don't like to air dirty laundry!!

If it was something really serious, I would potentially talk with a close girlfriend. But never my parents. They have to see my husbad all the time, it would be so awkward!!

tiggergoesbounce · 18/09/2023 22:24

I think he has the right to talk about things, discuss his feelings, and offload onto those who love him.

Why do you get to dictate who his sounding board or support network are ???

Providing he is not telling lies about you, im not sure of the problem. All this infering of mummies boy is really not helpful with the whole its ok for men to talk about stuff.

Sometimeswinning · 18/09/2023 22:31

God the amount of times I’ve told my best friends about an argument with dh! They do the same. Struggling with why this is an issue but according to some it’s a deal breaker! Some strange relationships out there.

Sweedey · 18/09/2023 22:35

Sometimeswinning · 18/09/2023 22:31

God the amount of times I’ve told my best friends about an argument with dh! They do the same. Struggling with why this is an issue but according to some it’s a deal breaker! Some strange relationships out there.

If you've never been on the racing end, you might not understand.

Its in earshot. No amount of 'emotional support' can make that ok.

Add in the fact that it's almost certainly a distorted version of reality when a highly agitated person is whinging to a close family member.

Add in that it's not just a one off and you're worried about upsetting your partner because now they're going to go and tell everyone your private business.

Sometimeswinning · 18/09/2023 22:49

Sweedey · 18/09/2023 22:35

If you've never been on the racing end, you might not understand.

Its in earshot. No amount of 'emotional support' can make that ok.

Add in the fact that it's almost certainly a distorted version of reality when a highly agitated person is whinging to a close family member.

Add in that it's not just a one off and you're worried about upsetting your partner because now they're going to go and tell everyone your private business.

Show quote history

The irony of this post is that the op is cross that her dh has discussed their issues with his family and she’s posted it online to receive the same support he gets from his family.

Id prefer dh spoke to his family than posting online and read loads of comments telling him your wife is awful. You should leave her!

tiggergoesbounce · 18/09/2023 22:50

Its in earshot. No amount of 'emotional support' can make that ok

Do you mean because hes openly discussing it with his family its wrong. Why??? Is it better he sneaks off to do it.

Add in the fact that it's almost certainly a distorted version of reality when a highly agitated person is whinging to a close family member

Which again should not be a problem. Hes allowed to vent to his family, hes allowed to express his opinion and feelings and discuss his troubles

Add in that it's not just a one off and you're worried about upsetting your partner because now they're going to go and tell everyone your private business

They are not telling everyone, telling the people who love him. Why would you care about upsetting the person you love because his parents will find out, surely you care about upsetting him because you love him or you are right and he needs telling so you tell him.and he had to suck up being upset. I wouldn't give 2 hoots what my inlaws thought.

Sweedey · 18/09/2023 23:15

tiggergoesbounce · 18/09/2023 22:50

Its in earshot. No amount of 'emotional support' can make that ok

Do you mean because hes openly discussing it with his family its wrong. Why??? Is it better he sneaks off to do it.

Add in the fact that it's almost certainly a distorted version of reality when a highly agitated person is whinging to a close family member

Which again should not be a problem. Hes allowed to vent to his family, hes allowed to express his opinion and feelings and discuss his troubles

Add in that it's not just a one off and you're worried about upsetting your partner because now they're going to go and tell everyone your private business

They are not telling everyone, telling the people who love him. Why would you care about upsetting the person you love because his parents will find out, surely you care about upsetting him because you love him or you are right and he needs telling so you tell him.and he had to suck up being upset. I wouldn't give 2 hoots what my inlaws thought.

It's not acceptable for many people to misrepresent arguments with your partner with other people within earshot. We don't need the 10-step argument

You can do what you like in your relationship, if you want to share that with other people. Im explaining why other people do not like it

Having had this from a parent and a partner, there are times when it's not just support and it's crossing boundaries

Sweedey · 18/09/2023 23:17

@Sometimeswinning how can you compare posting vaguely on an anon forum about not living your partner overhearing...

...to sharing intimate details of your relationship with family members...? People op has to see and is supposed to have a positive relationship with...?

Would it be ironic if op was talking to a therapist in confidence? No, of course not. Not the same.

ALongHardWinter · 18/09/2023 23:52

My ex-husband used to do this. Not on Facetime,it wasn't around then (early 90s) but would phone his mum or his sister. Just one of many reasons why he's my ex.

WandaWonder · 18/09/2023 23:54

Women seem to tell all to their mums, seem like you both have issues though

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 19/09/2023 01:34

WandaWonder · 18/09/2023 23:54

Women seem to tell all to their mums, seem like you both have issues though

Not all women, believe me.

GodspeedJune · 19/09/2023 01:51

Does he have friends? I’m not saying that unkindly, but it’s not unusual (to me) for friends to discuss arguments they’ve had with their partners. I don’t think that’s unhealthy, sometimes it’s good to hear a third party perspective or just to have some reassurance that your gut feeling on something is right.

Just wondering if he doesn’t have friends so is using his parents in place of this.

mathanxiety · 19/09/2023 02:51

YANBU

Your H is a silly mummy's boy. I bet your MIL is lapping it all up. This sort of unhealthy thing takes two.

My exH used to do this. ExMIL sent him photocopies of magazine articles about OCD because he whinged to her that I kept pictures the DCs had drawn in a folder. I still have the pictures. I don't know where exH is at this point.

Tell him he needs to choose between you and his mummy. He can't have it both ways. What is going on here is seriously messed up and unhealthy.

mushti · 19/09/2023 03:03

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 19/09/2023 01:34

Not all women, believe me.

Show quote history

But nobody calls them a silly mummy’s girl if they do.

the level of sexism on this thread is through the roof.

Newestname002 · 19/09/2023 03:30

@aloris

A considered and very balanced post from you. 🌹

ImustLearn2Cook · 19/09/2023 05:14

@Chipmunk09 There is a similar discussion on reddit but it is the wife posting about her discussing her marital problems with friends and family.

The general consensus was not to. Some people said ok to discuss with friends but not with your family. One poster said that she had discussed marital arguments with her parents and her parents ended up hating her husband. And for the last 10 years of her marriage there has been issues with them hating her husband.

YANBU. Anything negative he says could change their opinion of you and seriously affect family dynamics. Also, they are not getting the full picture, he is their son so they will be biased in favour of him.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/125bc75/do_you_talk_to_friendsfamily_about_your_marriage/

Reddit - Dive into anything

https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/125bc75/do_you_talk_to_friendsfamily_about_your_marriage/

saffronsoup · 19/09/2023 05:24

These threads always bring out people who have never spoke a word about their husband or marriage to any family or friend.

Then in other threads no one has any issue with talking to family or friends. And you get a thread of responses of people who share about their spouse and marriage with friends and family.

Everyone always only tells their side, on here and in real life.

I agree to that since it is a man the response is very different from a woman who calls her family daily and vents to others about her husband. We never see her called names or told she is never to speak of him in a bad light.

electriclight · 19/09/2023 05:28

I ring my mum every time I have an argument with dp because she gives good advice. I wouldn't let him tell me what I can and can't talk to my mum about, we talk every day.

PuddlesPityParty · 19/09/2023 05:39

Goldbar · 18/09/2023 20:29

But in this case, he's not so much venting to his parents as telling on her to his mummy and daddy. Like small children do.

Show quote history

That’s what the OP says. Probs is just venting though isn’t it considering she gives the cold shoulder whenever they fight.

Goldbar · 19/09/2023 05:42

Why not just ring them up and turn on speaker-phone when you start arguing, OP?

That will save your OH having to repeat the argument to them afterwards and they can get the full picture.