To ask my husband NOT to tell his parents every time we argue

[Chipmunk09]

DH and I had a disagreement yesterday (I wouldn’t even say it was an argument but it got heated and I was upset). Now I can hear him in the other room divulging every detail to his parents over FaceTime. I’ve asked him before not to do this because it makes me uncomfortable with them knowing we’ve had an argument. Also I feel like it doesn’t paint me in a very good light, as obviously he’s going to be bias.

I have never ever told my mum or any other family member when we’ve had an argument. I feel like it is something deeply personal and I’ve always tried to resolve the issue between us.

I’m still upset following yesterday’s disagreement and I have been cold with him all day. I just have no energy to engage with him. I feel like he never truly understands my perspective or takes responsibility for his own actions. Him running to his parents just makes me even more mad!!!

AIBU to ask him not to tell his parents about our arguments?

I'd be tempted to start phoning them up as well and saying, "Hi David and Sandra, it's great that DH has told you about our argument because I really want to unload to someone but I thought I'd be breaching DH's privacy if I told MY parents, but now YOU know, I can talk to YOU about it." And then just start venting and give them all the "he said, she said" stuff from your perspective.

In fact, why not make it a competition, i.e. who can phone them quickest after an argument?

Yeah, this is too much.

I couldn't take living with this, let alone WFH with him all day and having to endure the daily phone calls and the general living with it and being reported on.

Just no thanks.

Jesus wept.

Agree with PP that if it was the other way round people would say it’s fine for OP to vent to her mum / dad. MN double standards.

Op you are his family. He should be loyal to you instead of sniping behind your back.

I would find this very off-putting.

I don't agree that it would be fine the other way either. I think a strong marriage should be a partnership between two people where you have privacy and trust and any arguments or problems should be sorted between the two of you. It's a relationship unlike any other relationship you have. Yes we can have a moan occasionally about something nondescript like wanting to kill him while you pack for your holiday but not about the real arguments. We never bad mouth each other to other people no matter how pissed off we get. It would be a deal breaker for me, and for my DH.

I could not live like this. It’s disrespectful and he’s breaking your confidence.

It’s one thing getting general advice or talking in general terms - eg ‘we’ve been going through a bad patch’ or ‘we’ve been bickering a bit recently’ (if he really felt the need to reach out for relationship advice/support) – but sharing intimate details of arguments with his parents is not cool. I find it particularly weird that he’s doing it within earshot – like he wants you to feel worse about it and like you’re under scrutiny from outside parties.

This would potentially be a dealbreaker for me if he wouldn’t stop.

I would absolutely hate that, especially if he's doing it when you're in the house and can hear him.

Do you have children together?

But in this case, he's not so much venting to his parents as telling on her to his mummy and daddy. Like small children do.

I find it particularly weird that he’s doing it within earshot – like he wants you to feel worse about it and like you’re under scrutiny from outside parties.

I assume he wants her to know that she's being told on. It's probably a power thing - she'd better fall in line because otherwise he'll tell his family how crazy she is.

I think it's that you've asked him before not to & he still does it that's the problem.

I couldn't be with someone who thought so differently to me about what is private & what isn't.

If he genuinely needed to discuss in more general terms that's one thing.

I feel like he never truly understands my perspective or takes responsibility for his own actions. Him running to his parents just makes me even more mad!!!

There's no respect there is there-on either side.

I would think anyone telling parents about arguments (unless they were looking for help to get out of the relationship) incredibly juvenile whether male or female.

My mum told me
Never to tell her if we argued

She said I would forgive him and all be good and back to normal

but she wouldn't depending on what it was about and wouidnt be able to for forget

I think you’re being unreasonable. He can talk to whoever he likes, as can you. That you choose not to, is exactly that: your choice.

It takes two to have an argument, and if whatever you said or did is difficult to hear repeated to someone that loves him, perhaps you shouldn’t have said or done it.

This x1000

This isn't going to improve. Think long and hard about it, and double up on contraception.

WTF. Nah you can't put up with that.

My FIL had an emotional affair and we think his wife made him tell everyone. We were so not interested in the overshare.

This isn’t on and I absolutely would have the same opinion if it was a woman tattling to her parents. If you want to discuss your relationship talk to a professional. Getting other people involved in your relationship dramas is a recipe for disaster.

If there’s something like abuse or whatever then asking for help from friends and family is fair enough. But it is so selfish and pathetic to involve them in arguments and vent all the time.

A colleague would always moan about her husband - silly things - and it gives you such a bad impression of both parties and frankly nobody wants to hear it.

I don't think you are being unreasonable but I'm not sure he is either. As someone said, if you phoned a family member or friend and had a rant about the arguement, that would be fairly normal. But you feel he's going farther than that. Whats making you angry is likely that you feel he is telling tales, bringing them into the arguement + not painting you fairly. Yes it may affect your relationship with your in-laws, if they choose. But realistically, his parents are going to respond supportively + be biased, which is why he is doing it, for reassurance + comfort. (My mum is the exception, I rant to her + she takes my OH's side!) I also wonder if the oversharing is likely some conversation filler. You both work from home everyday, a daily parent conversation must be pretty dull!
Try to calm down + work on your relationship rather than focus on this. This is a distraction thats enabling you to vent your anger + avoid dealing with the original disagreement. Later on, after you have made up + life is calm, tell him you heard + while you can understand the need to share, what he said hurt + could damage how his parents see you. Is he going to go into as much detail about how you worked it through? If not he may be painting a picture that you are a hot head leaping from one arguement to the next without ever resolving. This may be enough to make him think twice next time.

Are his parents good people, i.e., understanding, non-judgemental? Will they tell him when he is wrong? What makes you think they are biased? It is common for partners to speak regularly to their parents. You probably don't have the same relationship with yours and therefore, may not fully understand it.
Perhaps you can have an open conversation with him about how its making you feel. If you have overheard him painting you in a poor light, then you have a right to ask him why he thinks so. The point is not that he is talking to his parents, the point is that probably some boundaries are getting blurred here.

I think that's a bit harsh! Your mum is meant to be a support. You don't need to tell her everything of course but to go as far as to say she doesn't want to know anything is awful

LTB. Honestly. Mummy's boy man child who won't change

I think that's a bit harsh! Your mum is meant to be a support. You don't need to tell her everything of course but to go as far as to say she doesn't want to know anything is awful

My DM is a support and I can vent about things like how I wish DH had better dress sense or didn't spend 6 weeks trying to decide which webcam to buy.

But an argument - no, she doesn't need to know about that, we need to sort it between us and find our own resolution without me being able to say 'DH did this and he was so awful' and her joining in with 'yes that sounds terrible, he is awful' and basically undermining our relationship.

Nobody, male or female, should be running to their parents to spill every detail of every interaction.

OP I'd be telling him that the next time he goes bleating to mummy will be the last because you're calling it a day on the marriage. I couldn't cope with it and you shouldn't have to.

Chatgpt. Very funny. I'm a real person. My husband used to do, not this exactly, but his parents were in our faces constantly for the first 15 yrs of our marriage and would invade our conflicts and take my dh's side. I felt very much outnumbered in my marriage and it was really bad for my mental health. It took me years to gradually push them back, one small step at a time, and reclaim my boundaries, over his claims of "but they just want to help". (Sure they do. They just want to help YOU, you mean.) Hence I developed a pretty clear idea why I consider it damaging for someone to break the privacy of their marriage like that, and why this damage is specifically a result of letting one's parents know private things about the marriage.