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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask my husband NOT to tell his parents every time we argue

107 replies

Chipmunk09 · 18/09/2023 18:00

DH and I had a disagreement yesterday (I wouldn’t even say it was an argument but it got heated and I was upset). Now I can hear him in the other room divulging every detail to his parents over FaceTime. I’ve asked him before not to do this because it makes me uncomfortable with them knowing we’ve had an argument. Also I feel like it doesn’t paint me in a very good light, as obviously he’s going to be bias.

I have never ever told my mum or any other family member when we’ve had an argument. I feel like it is something deeply personal and I’ve always tried to resolve the issue between us.

I’m still upset following yesterday’s disagreement and I have been cold with him all day. I just have no energy to engage with him. I feel like he never truly understands my perspective or takes responsibility for his own actions. Him running to his parents just makes me even more mad!!!

AIBU to ask him not to tell his parents about our arguments?

OP posts:
NonMiDispiace · 18/09/2023 18:33

My H tells his bloody judgemental sister absolutely everything. I have given up trying to stop him, it’s ridiculously puerile and he’s in his 70’s Ffs!

Tilllly · 18/09/2023 18:33

I'd be really irritated by this

It's great that he's close to his parents, but something is a private between couples.

MrsMarzetti · 18/09/2023 18:33

What a manchild.

StripeyDeckchair · 18/09/2023 18:40

It's very immature isn't it?

I'm going to tell mummy & daddy about his - straight out of nursery/ primary school

I think it would give me the ick

LindorDoubleChoc · 18/09/2023 18:42

Yanbu. Has he not grown up yet?

bagpuss90 · 18/09/2023 18:45

I had a partner who if we had a few heated words via text would show his family my messages. Interestingly he would delete most of his

SisterMichaelsHabit · 18/09/2023 18:46

New patio time.

Chipmunk09 · 18/09/2023 18:46

@Tilllly he is very close with his family, which I loved about him when we first met. I thought great! A lovely family man!
But over time it has become completely unbearable. He phones them every single day, which would be fine with me except they know every detail of our lives. It feels like I’m constantly being watched and scrutinised.

OP posts:
Plantlady10 · 18/09/2023 18:46

Going against the grain but while I don't think it's right he does it in earshot of you, I don't think it's wrong to want to talk to other people about arguments you've had. I would really struggle if I couldn't talk to friends and family about disagreements I've had with my husband. It helps me process it, feel not alone, and ultimately helps heal my relationship quicker

Freezingcoldinseptember · 18/09/2023 18:48

Next time he wants sex ask him if he doesn't want to discuss it with his dps first.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/09/2023 18:53

Your marriage is doomed. I'm being very serious, it's never going to make it.

Run for your life.

Stellaroses · 18/09/2023 18:55

I’m really surprised everyone is saying YANBU!

If OP posted “My husband gets annoyed if I vent to my mum” surely would sound controlling?

cheddercherry · 18/09/2023 18:55

I imagine it puts quite a strain on your relationship with his family as surely this will cloud their judgement?

I think parents are the wrong people to discuss intimate details of your relationship with and to be honest without you figuring out a way to either communicate with each other (via therapy or just hashing it out with each other to find a way forward) I’d be concerned it would only get worse over time.

If you had children together would he be reporting back on your every move to his parents? I’d find that incredibly upsetting. Likewise will they feel the need to step in and offer overbearing opinions on big life decisions because they feel they have a supporting role within the relationship?

It’s just messy dynamics when really you aren’t even resolving or discussing the arguments together before they’re dissected with his parents. I’d try and speak with him about why he feels he needs to get a resolution or affirmation of his feelings via them and not you.

VesperLynne · 18/09/2023 18:55

" being cold with him", you mean you are giving him the silent treatment - how old are you ?.

BestZebbie · 18/09/2023 18:58

....Does he think you are his annoying sibling who is looking out of "his" window in the back of the car?

LetUsPounce · 18/09/2023 18:59

I think I might casually wander into the room, sit myself down alongside him and ask if they want to hear my side of the story as well? 😂

caringcarer · 18/09/2023 19:01

You married a Mummy's boy. He needs to grow up and show you some respect. I'd explain how/why it upsets you, give him a second warning if he did it again but if he did it a third time I'd leave him.

Chipmunk09 · 18/09/2023 19:08

@VesperLynne no silent treatment whatsoever. I think I was within my right to say I needed space after a disagreement and to inform him I was still upset. We still discussed general day to day things eg what’s for dinner. But I don’t need to explain that to you.

OP posts:
tiredmama23 · 18/09/2023 19:08

Stellaroses · 18/09/2023 18:55

I’m really surprised everyone is saying YANBU!

If OP posted “My husband gets annoyed if I vent to my mum” surely would sound controlling?

I did think similar tbh...

Mrsttcno1 · 18/09/2023 19:09

I actually don’t see a huge issue with this, obviously would be best if you couldn’t overhear him having these chats but there’s nothing wrong with him talking to his family / friends, whoever he wants really!

I think it depends what kind of relationship you have with your parents, me and my mum are very close and both love a good winge🤣

aloris · 18/09/2023 19:10

Generally you want to keep family members out of your marital disagreements because it disrupts the privacy of the marriage. It's as if you're having a disagreement, not just with your husband, but also with his mother and father. It makes it harder to speak up for yourself freely, because you know that anything you say will go back to his family and will impact your future interactions with them.

In addition, things can come up in marital disagreements that are the private information of one spouse. For example, let's say you had an argument with your spouse in which you disclosed abuse that happened to you as a child. If he/she then goes and tells his/her parents, then your traumatic information has been disclosed to someone else without your permission. That would be very problematic. By nature of marriage, ie. the intense and ongoing commingling of lives, the physical intimacy, and the sharing of space where private documents are kept, the things that your spouse discovers about you in a marriage are especially private. For example, your sexual history, your medical information, your financial data, your psychological vulnerabilities. These are things his/her parents are not entitled to know unless you explicitly consent to it being disclosed to them. But if he were in the habit of discussing your marital arguments with his parents, then he might reveal something private in the heat of the moment. Maybe he would be apologetic, but the damage would be done.

There is also the factor that parents are naturally inclined to take their own child's side in a disagreement. This is normal and natural, but, for this very reason, it's not appropriate to bring parents into the arguments of their child's marriage. The end result is likely to be that their partner feels outnumbered in the marriage. It changes the balance of power so that instead of there being an assumption that each spouse has an equal right to speak and to have their interests considered, one spouse has additional "voters" to vote for their interests. Obviously this is not official votes, but the mere anticipation of discomfort at having your private arguments known when you go to family gatherings, exerts its own unfair pressure on the other spouse. In addition, parents (unlike siblings) may also have a sense of authority over their adult child and that child's spouse, that changes the balance of power in a way that may be unfair.

This doesn't mean that a spouse who is struggling can't ever talk to someone outside the marriage. But I think it does mean that those conversations need to stay outside of the social network of the marriage. So talking to your friend who lives in a different part of the country, ok. Talking to a therapist, great. Talking to your mother, no way.

Of course no one should be prevented from disclosing abuse. But that's a special case and also is a separate kind of thing than just discussing your generic marital arguments with your mother, because the expectation, in cases of disclosing abuse, would be immediate action to rescue the person from that situation.

AnnaMagnani · 18/09/2023 19:15

Stellaroses · 18/09/2023 18:55

I’m really surprised everyone is saying YANBU!

If OP posted “My husband gets annoyed if I vent to my mum” surely would sound controlling?

I'd give the same advice.

It's not fair on your partner if your mum is getting a daily running commentary on the details of your marriage, what you argued about, how your partner is an unreasonable meany, how much money you have etc etc

It's unlikely you are ever sharing your partner's version of events and a lot of mums are just going to agree with you about how awful he is.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 18/09/2023 19:17

aloris · 18/09/2023 19:10

Generally you want to keep family members out of your marital disagreements because it disrupts the privacy of the marriage. It's as if you're having a disagreement, not just with your husband, but also with his mother and father. It makes it harder to speak up for yourself freely, because you know that anything you say will go back to his family and will impact your future interactions with them.

In addition, things can come up in marital disagreements that are the private information of one spouse. For example, let's say you had an argument with your spouse in which you disclosed abuse that happened to you as a child. If he/she then goes and tells his/her parents, then your traumatic information has been disclosed to someone else without your permission. That would be very problematic. By nature of marriage, ie. the intense and ongoing commingling of lives, the physical intimacy, and the sharing of space where private documents are kept, the things that your spouse discovers about you in a marriage are especially private. For example, your sexual history, your medical information, your financial data, your psychological vulnerabilities. These are things his/her parents are not entitled to know unless you explicitly consent to it being disclosed to them. But if he were in the habit of discussing your marital arguments with his parents, then he might reveal something private in the heat of the moment. Maybe he would be apologetic, but the damage would be done.

There is also the factor that parents are naturally inclined to take their own child's side in a disagreement. This is normal and natural, but, for this very reason, it's not appropriate to bring parents into the arguments of their child's marriage. The end result is likely to be that their partner feels outnumbered in the marriage. It changes the balance of power so that instead of there being an assumption that each spouse has an equal right to speak and to have their interests considered, one spouse has additional "voters" to vote for their interests. Obviously this is not official votes, but the mere anticipation of discomfort at having your private arguments known when you go to family gatherings, exerts its own unfair pressure on the other spouse. In addition, parents (unlike siblings) may also have a sense of authority over their adult child and that child's spouse, that changes the balance of power in a way that may be unfair.

This doesn't mean that a spouse who is struggling can't ever talk to someone outside the marriage. But I think it does mean that those conversations need to stay outside of the social network of the marriage. So talking to your friend who lives in a different part of the country, ok. Talking to a therapist, great. Talking to your mother, no way.

Of course no one should be prevented from disclosing abuse. But that's a special case and also is a separate kind of thing than just discussing your generic marital arguments with your mother, because the expectation, in cases of disclosing abuse, would be immediate action to rescue the person from that situation.

Hello Chat Gpt

CurlewKate · 18/09/2023 19:19

How would you feel if he was talking to someone who wasn't his mum and dad?

Freezingcoldinseptember · 18/09/2023 19:29

Well when your relationship with his dps is irreparably damaged he will be to blame.