My mother is literally refusing to help full stop!

[Mymotherdontdoalot]

OK so there is a lot of back story here which I won't go into as it is just so long and winding, but the general gist is that my mother will literally do as little as possible to make life easier, to the point where I received a text the other day saying that it's not to her benefit to help me out!

Anyway the aibu is I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my 5th baby and am due a csection in 6 weeks time, and am getting incredibly stressed out about the general procedure and stress that comes with of being in hospital as I always seem to have complications! Dh is also stresssed aswell! So I have broached my mother who I thought might have been a little bit more supportive of my situation (god knows why she never has been before, usually couldnt give a shit about mine or my families wellbing in general,) being that it's my 4th csection so unsure of how it will pan out, from how long my stay in hospital will be to general health after etc! I stressed the situation to my mum and basically said, when I go in hospital can you come up and look after children obviously so dh is with me during csection and then if all goes well I'll hopefully be out next day, so can you come up and look after kids next day so dh can come and get me and baby in taxi and bring me back home to save dragging 4 extra dcs down the hospital and more added stress (taxis cancelling all the time where I am so a pain especially with 4 extra dc in tow not to mention, size of taxis no guarantee etc!)
I also added that if and it's a big IF I'm in hospital for one extra day after csection could she come then and stay with kids, so dh can come and see that his newborn and me are all OK, bring me things I may need/forgotten, general give me a break from being on a ward with every other person, on little or no sleep, so I can go for a wee in piece have a wash, you know the drill! Well that's when she went batshit stating, she's 60yrs old she not doing all that running around she's going to be tired, all that driving nope she's not doing it what about her husband and the dog (who she can actually leave at home perfectly fine) she's just not doing it, point blank i need to her actual words "get over it"and also why can't I leave my dc5 in the hands of there siblings 14,11,10 (we all know how much 5 year olds don't listen to siblings and decide to get mischievous once no responsible adults are around) when dh comes to pick me up with the baby at discharge, we all know discharge in hospitals can take bloody hours! At this point I did mention her staying over in the spare room to accommodate for driving etc, just for reference she lives 60 miles away but it takes her an hour to get to mine, I'm in london but so is my brother who she's visits very, very regularly and doesn't bat an eyelid to helping him out at all, it's never nope with him, no matter what it is, also when she met her husband he lived in london then and she would travel nearly everyday to see him also! She again still nope not doing it, her words again "it's not beneficial for me to do that" to be quite honest, no words could describe the shear anger and upset that I felt and have been feeling, so I got a bit upset and started crying, to which she replied "why on earth are you crying, for godsake" my dh is livid about the way that she has spoken to me and I am not really sure what to do now because I'm just shocked that she would come out with such a blasé/ nasty attitude towards helping me or lack of I should say!

I have had numerous texts from her since completely ignoring my situation and what I have asked of her and when I have broached the subject again been told I'm a fucker, I need to get a grip and grow up and things along those lines, when I have asked her why are you being so mean to me what exactly have I done, she's told me "if you think I'm being evil, you need help, you need to see a doctor" her exact words!

Also so as not to drip feed mine and my mother's relationship has been strained through the years because of actions on her part which were unreconcilable, but I let it go so as she could have something to do with her grandchildren, but that proved pointless because she seems to pick and choose as and when it suits her when she sees them and also tries to control how they behave around her (she has to be centre of attention all the time) there's alot more but I won't go into it as its just to much!

Me and dh just need some bloody help for that snippet of time when I'm in hospital, it is so much to ask aibu, it's literally like 3 days out of her time (which she spends doing nothing, everyday, she doesn't work never has done!)

Also before I forget her husband has 3 daughters and are roughly the same age as me, and she has rallied around after them no end, one time they all rushed down to hospital because one of his daughters was having extreme period pains (turned out she was jealous of her dad and my mums relationship and just wanted some attention, the same daughter, my mum has gotten up crack of dawn with to do carboot sales with her, and not batted an eyelid, the other daughter is a horder and actually has had my mum round cleaning her catshit off the floor in her house and cleaning in general because she doesn't do it, each time my mum has never batted an eyelid and more than happy to do anything for his daughters! These are just a few of the many things she does for his grown adult children!

Luckily the 14year old will be able to look after them in two years time at 16years. Paid as well. So nights out will be possible. That’s the advantage of a big family spread in age.

Op any chance you could get your c section moved to the week before or week after the Oct half term? Not sure how feasible this suggestion is but maybe worth an ask.

@MartinChuzzlewit 👏 👏! You've got it nailed.

Don't think op is going to answer the question and I think most of us know why, quite sad really.

I do feel for you but also recognise this might be about control, a lot of relationships are… even the good ones!
She knows you need her. I would do what others have suggested and hire help it’ll be liberating and on your terms! At the end of the day, your family are yours to sort out. She’ll be happy and you’ll be happiest.

@ButterCrackers but only if the 14 then 16 year old wants too, bloody awful being surrogate mother to a load of children you didn't give birth you! But because you're the eldest you're expecting Ted "to help out"?

I thought that sort of attitude went out in the 70s, clearly not.

I don’t think MN think ‘old boots’ with hobbies and a life deserve sympathy EVER

Yeah it's bad isn't it! Can't believe people still have that mentality. Sad really.

I also don’t agree that you’d barely know a 10yo 11yo and 14yo were there.

Demands for snacks, keeping on top of homework, refereeing arguments, fall outs, managing if they see their mates etc - added to a 5yo who’s a handful. Fuck that.

No one has a ‘right’ to have babies.

and the tie to question that ‘right’ is when the parents try and drag other in to their decision to overpopulate the planet

I’ve a feeling it’s already in term time, I can’t imagine a c-section at 38 weeks.

@MartinChuzzlewit christ if your going by your children on that behaviour, no offence but they sound awful, mine barely argue, if ever they are all pretty good mates with each other, they all get on really well and are clearly more mature than yours by far! At what point do 10, 11 and 14 year olds winge about snacks when they should be at the age they can get them themselves, you really must be run ragged if that's how yours behave!!

Everyone I know who had an ELCS went in at 8am and essentially waited. Everyone I know had their baby before lunchtime. If she was going into labour that could end up happening in the night. How on Earth is an ELCS not ideal or school hours

Actually not everyone waited until before lunch to have their ELCS. You can be scheduled from 8am. Definitely not ideal for school hours as schools don’t start before 8am

Oh the old ‘my kids never argue’ chestnut.

OP has an economical relationship with the truth methinks.

PS my kids are awesome. Sorry about that (not)

Oh and just for reference my 5 Yr old is quite happy with a drink, a snack and popped on the floor with a book, his tablet or his rainbow friends for hours on end! @MartinChuzzlewit

I also never said MY kids argue all the time, you do like to make things up

you really must be run ragged if that's how yours behave

I didnt have more than I can handle, so no I’m not run ragged.

No but most places have breakfast clubs. Drop kids off, race in.

A c-section being scheduled for 8am won’t mean it happens then especially if there’s an emergnecy

I thought he was a ‘handful’? Which is it?

Who looked after your kids when you went in for previous births OP.

Sorry not handful, “mischievous”.

Hes had quite the turnaround in 24 hours 😂

We will never know (it was clearly her mum)

Then why do they need constant supervision for at least 3 days? Why can’t they be left at home for a few hours here and there and your DH take the 5 year old to the hospital when he visits?

@Mymotherdontdoalot so on top of all your posts which haven’t exactly covered you in glory you’re now insulting another posters children? Ok.

I’m starting to understand your mother decision now.

Again, who looked after the first 4?

@MartinChuzzlewit neither am I, I cope standing on my head with all mine 😁

Thank you so much to everyone who has shown kind words and support, I have just managed to secure some help, funnily enough with my very old neighbour who actually lives all the way in Norfolk bless her and she is actually older than my mum, but is already grandma to 15 grandchildren, she has said she'd be delighted to help and has offered to stay for however many nights needed! Oh such relief!