My mother is literally refusing to help full stop!

[Mymotherdontdoalot]

OK so there is a lot of back story here which I won't go into as it is just so long and winding, but the general gist is that my mother will literally do as little as possible to make life easier, to the point where I received a text the other day saying that it's not to her benefit to help me out!

Anyway the aibu is I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my 5th baby and am due a csection in 6 weeks time, and am getting incredibly stressed out about the general procedure and stress that comes with of being in hospital as I always seem to have complications! Dh is also stresssed aswell! So I have broached my mother who I thought might have been a little bit more supportive of my situation (god knows why she never has been before, usually couldnt give a shit about mine or my families wellbing in general,) being that it's my 4th csection so unsure of how it will pan out, from how long my stay in hospital will be to general health after etc! I stressed the situation to my mum and basically said, when I go in hospital can you come up and look after children obviously so dh is with me during csection and then if all goes well I'll hopefully be out next day, so can you come up and look after kids next day so dh can come and get me and baby in taxi and bring me back home to save dragging 4 extra dcs down the hospital and more added stress (taxis cancelling all the time where I am so a pain especially with 4 extra dc in tow not to mention, size of taxis no guarantee etc!)
I also added that if and it's a big IF I'm in hospital for one extra day after csection could she come then and stay with kids, so dh can come and see that his newborn and me are all OK, bring me things I may need/forgotten, general give me a break from being on a ward with every other person, on little or no sleep, so I can go for a wee in piece have a wash, you know the drill! Well that's when she went batshit stating, she's 60yrs old she not doing all that running around she's going to be tired, all that driving nope she's not doing it what about her husband and the dog (who she can actually leave at home perfectly fine) she's just not doing it, point blank i need to her actual words "get over it"and also why can't I leave my dc5 in the hands of there siblings 14,11,10 (we all know how much 5 year olds don't listen to siblings and decide to get mischievous once no responsible adults are around) when dh comes to pick me up with the baby at discharge, we all know discharge in hospitals can take bloody hours! At this point I did mention her staying over in the spare room to accommodate for driving etc, just for reference she lives 60 miles away but it takes her an hour to get to mine, I'm in london but so is my brother who she's visits very, very regularly and doesn't bat an eyelid to helping him out at all, it's never nope with him, no matter what it is, also when she met her husband he lived in london then and she would travel nearly everyday to see him also! She again still nope not doing it, her words again "it's not beneficial for me to do that" to be quite honest, no words could describe the shear anger and upset that I felt and have been feeling, so I got a bit upset and started crying, to which she replied "why on earth are you crying, for godsake" my dh is livid about the way that she has spoken to me and I am not really sure what to do now because I'm just shocked that she would come out with such a blasé/ nasty attitude towards helping me or lack of I should say!

I have had numerous texts from her since completely ignoring my situation and what I have asked of her and when I have broached the subject again been told I'm a fucker, I need to get a grip and grow up and things along those lines, when I have asked her why are you being so mean to me what exactly have I done, she's told me "if you think I'm being evil, you need help, you need to see a doctor" her exact words!

Also so as not to drip feed mine and my mother's relationship has been strained through the years because of actions on her part which were unreconcilable, but I let it go so as she could have something to do with her grandchildren, but that proved pointless because she seems to pick and choose as and when it suits her when she sees them and also tries to control how they behave around her (she has to be centre of attention all the time) there's alot more but I won't go into it as its just to much!

Me and dh just need some bloody help for that snippet of time when I'm in hospital, it is so much to ask aibu, it's literally like 3 days out of her time (which she spends doing nothing, everyday, she doesn't work never has done!)

Also before I forget her husband has 3 daughters and are roughly the same age as me, and she has rallied around after them no end, one time they all rushed down to hospital because one of his daughters was having extreme period pains (turned out she was jealous of her dad and my mums relationship and just wanted some attention, the same daughter, my mum has gotten up crack of dawn with to do carboot sales with her, and not batted an eyelid, the other daughter is a horder and actually has had my mum round cleaning her catshit off the floor in her house and cleaning in general because she doesn't do it, each time my mum has never batted an eyelid and more than happy to do anything for his daughters! These are just a few of the many things she does for his grown adult children!

Oh and we also needed two incomes even when my kids were young.

YY @loislovesstewie I grew up with both my parents working Dad as a site foreman Mum in a poultry factory.

Heard all this a million times before and can't be bothered to respond anymore.

Life is too short to not have any enjoyment in life that isn't looking after children. You aren't just a parent.

Brother has no kids

@MartinChuzzlewit gosh aren't you such a boring, bitter person, who literally has all the info on here wrong, I'm embarrassed for you!

My friends are 'helping out' too. Or at least that's what they thought their role would be. The line between helping out and formal caring can be smudged.

One friend spends at least ten hours a week bringing her mother to appointments, cleaning, cooking, organizing a garden that her mother can't keep, and does all laundry because her mother can't manage carrying loads of laundry or changing bedding any more, and miscellaneous occasional tasks like deciding on a new microwave or changing car insurance that can take weeks, and endless phone calls.

Her mother refuses to even discuss downsizing, let alone moving to an assisted living place (which she doesn't need: she just needs a flat in a building with a lift) and the daughter has to listen to hours of moaning and complaining about keeping the three bedroom house heated all winter and the cost of getting all the little jobs done that are piling up - hedge trimming, small painting jobs, gutter cleaning, getting a plumber in to look at a small leak, an electrician to look at a wonky light switch.

My friend is starting to lose patience. There is a simple solution to all of this but her mother won't hear of it and it is beyond frustrating. Her grandchildren at least listen to reason.

So you are only interested in your version of things. The truth can be awfully inconvenient can't it.

When two of the four are at an age when they could easily help the grandparent and certainly look after themselves, I sincerely don't see the problem.

I have no time for women who coddle themselves and pretend they couldn't manage their own grandchildren but at the same time have all sorts of fun activities they simply must do, all of which require organizing and physical energy, and sometimes even travel.

Your mother is not obligated to take care of your children.

You and your husband need to work out a different plan.

But this is a very modern idea, that we should be allowed to just live selfishly for a few years

Let me fix that for you:

But this is a very modern idea for women that we should be allowed to just live selfishly for a few years

Because modern women watched them mum’s get trod on and are fucking sick of always being expected to be sacrificial lambs

.

I hope you can find a friend or a relative or a paid helper to help while you have your c section and it is complication free,OP. Sometimes there are temporary sitters/mother helpers In large cities that can step in and help ad hoc.

What @FSTraining means is it’s selfish for WOMEN to want to do things for themsleves

AKA “This truth is too inconvenient to my bitter narrative of ‘poor poor me’ so I’m ignoring it”

What have I got wrong?

So women HAVE to look after copious amounts of kids they never chose to have if they even so much as dare to have a hobby?

Fucking hell the ageism and sexism is depressing.

I wonder if people realise they’ll be old one day?

There is a simple solution to all of this

Well yes of course your friend could stop or limit what she does

I'm so sorry you're in this situation and I know how upsetting it is when your own mother doesn't seem interested in you - but will happily run around after other people's kids or your siblings. I've been there!

TBH your mum sounds like she's on the narcissistic spectrum - there used to be a fantastic thread on MN called something like "but we took you to stately homes" which had such useful chats on it all about narc parents - especially mums - and how their behaviour was so bewildering and triggering for their daughters. It helped me massively and suddenly I could see the situation very clearly. It wasn't my fault, she was who she was and nothing I said or did would ever change that.

In a nutshell it's all about your mum. Her feelings, her getting the attention she so desperately craves, her ego being stroked - you asking her to 'just come and bloody help me out because I need you' - doesn't do it for her. It's much easier to play 'happy families' with her husband's kids and get all the 'ooohs and aahhs oh aren't you just lovely and helpful' from them. She'll get affirmation from her husband and possibly the feeling that she's somehow 'better' than his ex-wife (or whatever).

Doing it for her own daughter - well - where's the drama and adulation in that? I'm so sorry - she'll never change - you may have to do a bit of reading around the subject of narcissistic mothers and then enter a short period of grieving for the mother you want, but will never have.

If you can afford it then perhaps buy in a quality sleepover nanny for three days who comes highly recommended and will handle all your kids and the household while you go and give birth. Expensive but worth it. Don't depend on your mum - she's not going to be there for you.

Sending love and best wishes for the birth - I hope it goes well.
x

Some women have never been put upon because they've done fuck all for anyone, ever! No one thinks women should spend their retirement doing full time childcare for their grandchildren, when they've worked hard all their lives. But watching your grandkids for a few days while your daughter gives birth is not a huge imposition.

Firstly, having not spoken to my abusive mother since I was 16, when my sibling and I were removed from her care, I get how distressing it is to not have a mother around to support you. I truly envy those women who have mothers that make motherhood so much easier for them. I found it so, so hard when I had my daughter, as I felt so alone - there was literally nobody to help me (daughter's dad spent his paternity leave playing golf every day). I have only ever had one child because I simply couldn't face doing that again. I would have loved more, though.
You have your husband and older children for support & help. You have chosen to have a 5th child & have had almost 9 months to put a plan in place for the other 4 children when you have this one. To expect your mum to jump in and help is unreasonable - you have taken it for granted that she would, despite having a rocky relationship. Unfortunately, your best option is to organise hiring someone to care for your children in your absence. Not ideal, but at least you will know that your children are safe and looked after.

Seeing as you wont go into back detail, what did you do to make her feel this way, not wanting to do anything for you, there is always 2 sides to a story/coin etc ... or maybe it her, with out details I can only assume... but all said and done, does it really matter?? By what you've said you have a beautiful family. What about your partners parents?? It seems to me that there is alot more to this than you are saying. I don't mean to be rude.. I'm honest and an open book... whatever the situation, let it be, it is what it is... dont ask for something that no one is willing to give... I have done nothing ro my so called blood family.. they dont like me cos I say it how it is.. ask yourself, do you really need her after whatever has happened, are you husbands family there for you no matter what??? Di you really need such a negative mother?? I think not... you do what is right for you and your babies... I'm sorry 😞

Your mother sounds just as fucking selfish as mine; and mine is a complete bitch she’d tell you to your face the most horrendous lies then forget what she’d said & try to back peddle; I cut my losses with her years ago; I just couldn’t cope with the drama she brought with her any longer; she’s never bothered with her grandchildren; which has hurt them deeply but if it’s not beneficial to her she’s not interested; sad but exactly what I expected from her, but she’s the one who going to be a lonely bitter old lady one day when she looks back on her life not me & my children or grandchildren.
I would seriously look at whether she’s worth the hassle of keeping in your life she sounds a self centred old battle axe.

Setting clear boundaries of what you will and won’t do is not being a shit parent. Sounds like you Mum is still in contact with you so the relationship still stands. Just because your Mum doesn’t show up for you in the way you want doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you or want to support you.

Is there something she would feel comfortable doing that would help you out? can you find a middle ground. 4 children is a lot to look after for most people.

Would she be comfortable just having the little one for a couple of days during the time you have the baby, that might be a real treat and would really free your husband up to be available for you.