My mother is literally refusing to help full stop!

[Mymotherdontdoalot]

OK so there is a lot of back story here which I won't go into as it is just so long and winding, but the general gist is that my mother will literally do as little as possible to make life easier, to the point where I received a text the other day saying that it's not to her benefit to help me out!

Anyway the aibu is I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my 5th baby and am due a csection in 6 weeks time, and am getting incredibly stressed out about the general procedure and stress that comes with of being in hospital as I always seem to have complications! Dh is also stresssed aswell! So I have broached my mother who I thought might have been a little bit more supportive of my situation (god knows why she never has been before, usually couldnt give a shit about mine or my families wellbing in general,) being that it's my 4th csection so unsure of how it will pan out, from how long my stay in hospital will be to general health after etc! I stressed the situation to my mum and basically said, when I go in hospital can you come up and look after children obviously so dh is with me during csection and then if all goes well I'll hopefully be out next day, so can you come up and look after kids next day so dh can come and get me and baby in taxi and bring me back home to save dragging 4 extra dcs down the hospital and more added stress (taxis cancelling all the time where I am so a pain especially with 4 extra dc in tow not to mention, size of taxis no guarantee etc!)
I also added that if and it's a big IF I'm in hospital for one extra day after csection could she come then and stay with kids, so dh can come and see that his newborn and me are all OK, bring me things I may need/forgotten, general give me a break from being on a ward with every other person, on little or no sleep, so I can go for a wee in piece have a wash, you know the drill! Well that's when she went batshit stating, she's 60yrs old she not doing all that running around she's going to be tired, all that driving nope she's not doing it what about her husband and the dog (who she can actually leave at home perfectly fine) she's just not doing it, point blank i need to her actual words "get over it"and also why can't I leave my dc5 in the hands of there siblings 14,11,10 (we all know how much 5 year olds don't listen to siblings and decide to get mischievous once no responsible adults are around) when dh comes to pick me up with the baby at discharge, we all know discharge in hospitals can take bloody hours! At this point I did mention her staying over in the spare room to accommodate for driving etc, just for reference she lives 60 miles away but it takes her an hour to get to mine, I'm in london but so is my brother who she's visits very, very regularly and doesn't bat an eyelid to helping him out at all, it's never nope with him, no matter what it is, also when she met her husband he lived in london then and she would travel nearly everyday to see him also! She again still nope not doing it, her words again "it's not beneficial for me to do that" to be quite honest, no words could describe the shear anger and upset that I felt and have been feeling, so I got a bit upset and started crying, to which she replied "why on earth are you crying, for godsake" my dh is livid about the way that she has spoken to me and I am not really sure what to do now because I'm just shocked that she would come out with such a blasé/ nasty attitude towards helping me or lack of I should say!

I have had numerous texts from her since completely ignoring my situation and what I have asked of her and when I have broached the subject again been told I'm a fucker, I need to get a grip and grow up and things along those lines, when I have asked her why are you being so mean to me what exactly have I done, she's told me "if you think I'm being evil, you need help, you need to see a doctor" her exact words!

Also so as not to drip feed mine and my mother's relationship has been strained through the years because of actions on her part which were unreconcilable, but I let it go so as she could have something to do with her grandchildren, but that proved pointless because she seems to pick and choose as and when it suits her when she sees them and also tries to control how they behave around her (she has to be centre of attention all the time) there's alot more but I won't go into it as its just to much!

Me and dh just need some bloody help for that snippet of time when I'm in hospital, it is so much to ask aibu, it's literally like 3 days out of her time (which she spends doing nothing, everyday, she doesn't work never has done!)

Also before I forget her husband has 3 daughters and are roughly the same age as me, and she has rallied around after them no end, one time they all rushed down to hospital because one of his daughters was having extreme period pains (turned out she was jealous of her dad and my mums relationship and just wanted some attention, the same daughter, my mum has gotten up crack of dawn with to do carboot sales with her, and not batted an eyelid, the other daughter is a horder and actually has had my mum round cleaning her catshit off the floor in her house and cleaning in general because she doesn't do it, each time my mum has never batted an eyelid and more than happy to do anything for his daughters! These are just a few of the many things she does for his grown adult children!

Yep.

These amazing other cultures where old people are looked after by children - well it’s not sons wiping their elderly parents arses, it’s their wives.

It’s why I hate the term ‘it takes a village’ because I feel what’s missing off the end is ‘of women’

I'd say something like, "one day you'll need me mum, don't be surprised if I'm not there for you".

Do you know what gets me in this-

Ops mum chose to be a mum. I don't see my job as mum ending the second ds turns 18 and I don't know anyone who does. I worry how ds will be able to get on the housing ladder and pay for childcare so he can have the family he wants and of course i want to help him however i can. By your logic my mum is right to never provide childcare for me because I'm over 18 and shes 'done her bit'. But let's ignore the fact that her family did her childcare 5 days a week every week which is how she was able to stay in work. But why should she deign to do her grandsons nappy or provide childcare. I don't see the point in having kids if you're not going to bother past 18 or actually invest in a relationship with your grandkids to the point you can't do childcare for two days as a one off. But whatever ops mum is an adult and can do what she wants.

However I sure as shit don't think it's ops children's job to take responsibility in this situation that they didn't ask for. They are still children. Why should it be left to them to look after their mum and siblings when there's an ADULT who could do it. I think the loss of community and extended family you'd propose is sad and it doesn't serve children well. In fact it's ironic because what it does is keep families poor and women out of the workplace. Women sustaining the workplace is built on the backbone of other women (usually in their family) providing childcare. Why do you think so many women are now making a choice not to have children or to leave work? Telling op to suck it up and be confident after major surgery (after which she injured herself first time round because of lack of support) is neither practical or helpful.

Oh and let's not even get into ops mums likely expectations that op will be running after her when she's elderly. By that logic the family unit breaks down at 18 and the elderly are left to fend for themselves as are broke parents paying crazy amounts in childcare. Wonder how well that will turn out.

But let's ignore the fact that her family did her childcare 5 days a week every week which is how she was able to stay in work.

So your mum had to work fulltime when you were a child and you think she should spend her old age changing your children's nappies?

Who'd be a fucking woman!

Please tell me when women , and yes it is invariably women , have any time to themselves, having had children, worked ,retired, maybe cared for their own parents,when do we get to do anything for ourselves? By the time many women have done all that and probably made sacrifices along the way, we are then to care for grandchildren and by the time that ends we are too old/ill/knackered to do anything adventurous or enjoyable that doesn't involve knitting or puzzle books.
For reference; I will never be a grandparent, both my adult children have disabilities and I am at 67 their carer. I worked full time all my adult life until I couldn't do so any more, despite having 2 children. .

@loislovesstewie
The OP is asking for three days tops.

This leaves 362 other days for her mother to go to carpool sales with her stepchildren, visit her son, and any other things she wants to do with her ample time.

I was speaking generally.

This.

What goes around comes around.

I think you can say “I chose to be a mum and helping them out doesn’t end when they’re 18” and also say “my adult child is asking too much, they’ve bitten off more than they can chew and I don’t want to be caught in the middle of what should be ^their* responsibility especially when there are ample other options”

TBH I think it’s very entitled and presumptuous to think women should be able to enjoy their lives. What selfishness! Sure they’re a poor parishioner who’s made some bad choices whose kids you can look after. I’d never be so cheeky as to think my time should be spent doing what I want to do! 😉

3 days looking after 4 kids.

It’s not a reasonable ask. Plenty of grandparents have come on to say they look after their 1-2 GC plenty but wouldn’t look after 4

I have some friends who are currently taking care of elderly mothers and/ or fathers. It is far, far more difficult work than taking care of children, utterly exhausting and draining in a way that taking care of children is not. It is a physical, emotional, and psychological horror show.

Its rather interesting that the op has been back to have a go at a poster but not to answer the question that numerous people asked about who has watched her children in the past when she's been in labour, it's a knocking bet it was her mother!

Could it be the fact that your DM lives 60 miles away which is the reason she won't stay and help out for a few days? I obviously missed the bit about OH not driving, but if she could be picked up and brought to your house, and then taken home again when OP is home from hospital it would be more reasonable than expecting her to drive that far.
If you have a house big enough for 5 children and a spare room can you afford a nanny or live in help for a few days instead?
I hope it works out and congratulations on your pregnancy.
I think it is very unfair that some posters have commented just to say you have 'too many children' Your AIBU was not 'do I have too many children'.

Yes, but your situation is because you have children with disabilities, which is the same as my parents; sorry, I don't wish to sound dismissive but the opposite. Your commitments are huge and exceptional.

In contrast, for example, my ex-MiL spends about 15 weeks of the year on holiday and agrees to see her grandchildren (ours and ex-BiL's) for a maximum of 2 days a week when not on holiday and as a guest in my ex-wife's home, not as someone offering any help. Considering she often holidays with friends (as ex-FiL wants to be much more hands on), she's hardly unique in her situation.

Also, like I said, this is her choice and she would be free to make it without judgment if her sense of entitlement to care from my ex-wife was not so great. It wouldn't bother me so much but she tried to muscle in on what was an amicable divorce and a healthy co-parenting arrangement because she thought her daughter should get spousal maintenance so that she could have time to look after her and FiL in old age 😂

My mum preferred to be in work she made that very clear which is fair enough why shouldn't she pursue a career and have goals. My point is that this was made possible by her parents doing the childcare. If they hadn't she wouldn't have had the choice but to be at home with us and that career wouldn't have existed. Why would you reap the benefit from that and not want the same opportunity for your daughters is the question I'm asking.

And for what it's worth I rarely ever ask my mum to babysit. I pay a small fortune in fees to have a stranger do that meaning that I won't have a much wanted second child, can't go further in my career like I want to and we can't get a better house with a bigger mortgage despite having our current mortgage almost paid off. I can't see a scenario where I'd want my child to have less than I did if there was a chance I could help them on their way by doing a couple of days here and there. And you'd better believe my mum expects me to drop everything and sort her out when she needs anything which me and my sister both do because it feels like something that comes with being part of a family.

Bonkers thread. I would never have 5 children, but I don't see a need to criticise someone just for that, they are obviously managing fine majority of the time.
I read the OP as venting, and asking herself a question, "why can't my mother can't be more of a mother for once".

The mother hasn't expressed any option which would work for her (4 children is too much, but bring me the 5 yo; 3 days are too much, but I can come once).

I understand that it is hard to see many people having great relationships with their parents as adults, and wishing for one single act of support.

@FSTraining I'm merely making the point that we are all entitled to have some years to ourselves. I mentioned my own life to show that caring for grandchildren or refusing to care is not influencing my responses. It's just that I am aware that there is a very short time when we are able to do anything just for us, without having to make arrangements for others to be cared for in our absence.

I put helping out not taking care.

I think the thing here though is it seems that Op's Mum has never helped out so the chances of it happening this time were slim.

I was just trying to express that I'd like to think that I would have still helped my mum out even if she hadn't always have helped me when I asked her to.

Looking after 4 kids is a big ask even if it is for a limited time.

I suppose an outright no (right or wrong) is at least better than a yes & a change of mind further down the line.

But this is a very modern idea, that we should be allowed to just live selfishly for a few years. It's not how people lived until your generation got old and it's unlikely that my generation will live like this either as we're unlikely to retire when we're mobile enough to enjoy our time. From my perspective, it's a one off attitude from the "Peter Pan generation" to be honest.

We get to be like this in childhood but when we're adults we have commitments and we can't just switch off those commitments because we feel like scuba diving or something. I chose to have children and supporting them is not going to stop when they turn 18. It's never going to stop and they will (hopefully) want me around to help them through various life stages. I just find the idea of just stepping out of my life to enjoy myself for so long incredibly selfish but that might just be me.

I think she's an awful parent but the definition of insanity is going the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. You know that she can't be bothered and still you ask.

The best thing you could do to help yourself is to cut this toxic woman out of your life and make plans as if she has never existed.

I think the thing with OP and her mother is that the relationship has broken down. I certainly don't think that age range of children is too complicated for a healthy woman of 60 to look after.

But I also think that the father only really needs to bring the littlest one along when he has to go to the hospital.

Why is it 'selfish' to want some time for yourself? To be able to go on holiday or off for the day? How depressing that we can't do that , that we slog our guts out till we die.

@FSTraining love it 'Peter Pan generation' so true!

I left school at 15, worked till I was 69. My "gold plated" public sector pension means I get £100 a month more than I would if I just had my pension plus pension credit. of course I'd get some other things then as pension credit is gateway benefit. I think maybe I was a mug to pay into my pension and eventually I had to opt out as DH became disabled so I was working and a carer.

We always needed two incomes so I only had a few months off when I had my children, I don't know where the idea comes from that people didn't used to need two incomes. Of course when DH had to give up work that meant we struggled. All of my friends and relatives around my age were in a two income relationship.

I think you are living in a bit of a dark fantasy world.