My mother is literally refusing to help full stop!

[Mymotherdontdoalot]

OK so there is a lot of back story here which I won't go into as it is just so long and winding, but the general gist is that my mother will literally do as little as possible to make life easier, to the point where I received a text the other day saying that it's not to her benefit to help me out!

Anyway the aibu is I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my 5th baby and am due a csection in 6 weeks time, and am getting incredibly stressed out about the general procedure and stress that comes with of being in hospital as I always seem to have complications! Dh is also stresssed aswell! So I have broached my mother who I thought might have been a little bit more supportive of my situation (god knows why she never has been before, usually couldnt give a shit about mine or my families wellbing in general,) being that it's my 4th csection so unsure of how it will pan out, from how long my stay in hospital will be to general health after etc! I stressed the situation to my mum and basically said, when I go in hospital can you come up and look after children obviously so dh is with me during csection and then if all goes well I'll hopefully be out next day, so can you come up and look after kids next day so dh can come and get me and baby in taxi and bring me back home to save dragging 4 extra dcs down the hospital and more added stress (taxis cancelling all the time where I am so a pain especially with 4 extra dc in tow not to mention, size of taxis no guarantee etc!)
I also added that if and it's a big IF I'm in hospital for one extra day after csection could she come then and stay with kids, so dh can come and see that his newborn and me are all OK, bring me things I may need/forgotten, general give me a break from being on a ward with every other person, on little or no sleep, so I can go for a wee in piece have a wash, you know the drill! Well that's when she went batshit stating, she's 60yrs old she not doing all that running around she's going to be tired, all that driving nope she's not doing it what about her husband and the dog (who she can actually leave at home perfectly fine) she's just not doing it, point blank i need to her actual words "get over it"and also why can't I leave my dc5 in the hands of there siblings 14,11,10 (we all know how much 5 year olds don't listen to siblings and decide to get mischievous once no responsible adults are around) when dh comes to pick me up with the baby at discharge, we all know discharge in hospitals can take bloody hours! At this point I did mention her staying over in the spare room to accommodate for driving etc, just for reference she lives 60 miles away but it takes her an hour to get to mine, I'm in london but so is my brother who she's visits very, very regularly and doesn't bat an eyelid to helping him out at all, it's never nope with him, no matter what it is, also when she met her husband he lived in london then and she would travel nearly everyday to see him also! She again still nope not doing it, her words again "it's not beneficial for me to do that" to be quite honest, no words could describe the shear anger and upset that I felt and have been feeling, so I got a bit upset and started crying, to which she replied "why on earth are you crying, for godsake" my dh is livid about the way that she has spoken to me and I am not really sure what to do now because I'm just shocked that she would come out with such a blasé/ nasty attitude towards helping me or lack of I should say!

I have had numerous texts from her since completely ignoring my situation and what I have asked of her and when I have broached the subject again been told I'm a fucker, I need to get a grip and grow up and things along those lines, when I have asked her why are you being so mean to me what exactly have I done, she's told me "if you think I'm being evil, you need help, you need to see a doctor" her exact words!

Also so as not to drip feed mine and my mother's relationship has been strained through the years because of actions on her part which were unreconcilable, but I let it go so as she could have something to do with her grandchildren, but that proved pointless because she seems to pick and choose as and when it suits her when she sees them and also tries to control how they behave around her (she has to be centre of attention all the time) there's alot more but I won't go into it as its just to much!

Me and dh just need some bloody help for that snippet of time when I'm in hospital, it is so much to ask aibu, it's literally like 3 days out of her time (which she spends doing nothing, everyday, she doesn't work never has done!)

Also before I forget her husband has 3 daughters and are roughly the same age as me, and she has rallied around after them no end, one time they all rushed down to hospital because one of his daughters was having extreme period pains (turned out she was jealous of her dad and my mums relationship and just wanted some attention, the same daughter, my mum has gotten up crack of dawn with to do carboot sales with her, and not batted an eyelid, the other daughter is a horder and actually has had my mum round cleaning her catshit off the floor in her house and cleaning in general because she doesn't do it, each time my mum has never batted an eyelid and more than happy to do anything for his daughters! These are just a few of the many things she does for his grown adult children!

She being your mother, not the cats!! I can sense my mother spinning 😱@Mymotherdontdoalot

Yeah that’s the problem, we have only one side of the story, if we had the mothers it would prob be entirely a different story. The op is ‘woe is me’ ‘ive had it really bad’ , but she comes across as really self absorbed and selfish, the mother might say this too. Whatever the story is it’s prob somewhere in the middle of both stories! Plus don’t have 5 kids if you can’t cope with them!!!

OK , so your mum doesn't want to help and I am unaware of the back story here, but surely there must be kinder ways to tell you than treating you the way she does. I think I would be well on the way to saying 'that's fine by me , if that's how you are going to speak to me, no contact from now on, until the grandchildren are old enough to make up their own minds, if she's still around'.

Your choices should not be shared with your mother unless its her choice too. 4 CSections and 5 children is a ridiculous situation.

The kids will be at school won’t they. Do you have an after school club they could go to the day of the section?
my partner stayed 4 my section and an hour after the birth. As we have other children that need to be looked after he didn’t visit the hospital again in my 2day stay but plenty of face time I was fine on my own x

It's only for a couple of days. OP isn't expecting her to babysit full time. If your own mother can't step up in your time of need then they are selfish and cruel.
OP there will be other options for you. If your hospital is not too far and depending on the maturity of your 14yrold leave the older three and have husband take the 5yr old with him when he visits. Although during labour that won't work.

It's really sad and people.who have not narcissistic mothers will not be able to grasp this and will blame you for having five kids etc.

Your mother chooses to run around after someone's kids rather than her own child.
What goes run comes round.
Have very low contact with her from now. She isn't going to change her ways and start caring for you or your children. Sorry its harsh to hear. But the sooner you accept She isn't part of your life other doors and support will open for . Best of luck and congratulations!@

If you have a tenuous relationship as it is why do you think she's willing to drop her spare time for 24/7 free childcare for an unknown number of days?
I'm expecting my second and have no one around to help, so fully know that I may well have to go through (another) cesarean alone, that's just life and should be something you factor in when you decide to get pregnant again.

I have 4, my mother won’t help either because I have 4. If I had chosen to have 2 she would do a lot more. Your life decisions so you have to deal with it.

Have you a friend that could step in & help you? 60 isn't old these days so I don't know how active your mum is. To mind 4 children is a big ask but also depends how well behaved your children are?. I realise how difficult it is after c section having had one, and I had 2 young children. I had no more.
I remember asking my mum, then in her fifties for help, but she replied that no one would expect my home to be tidy after having a baby and 2 young ones.
My mother in law came round and ironed and hoovered for me.
I'm sorry for you, ask your friends and any other family you have. Or tell health visitor of your problem, she might suggest a solution.

Worst case scenario is your husband visits you with the children, that's not that bad, they'll want to see new baby
5 children is alot, but they won't always be young, and you'll have great family times ahead.
Good luck. X

@MarrymeJM to your point, what goes around comes around, maybe OP has been demanding and entitled for too long and expects her mothers to cater to every whim and fancy for an extended period.

We just don’t know the full story yet do we. Some children are highly abusive towards their parents, I’ve seen it first hand, however those parents usually still help so it must take a lot for her mother to say no. Just my view of course and I’m not saying the OP is abusive as I don’t have enough evidence of that. Their relationship does sound toxic which is sad.

Sorry but choosing to have a large family and then complaining because no one is helping you is a bit much. You and your dh’s choices are not other people’s responsibility. You can hire a babysitter or dh or a friend can help. I can understand why you’re upset with your dm but unless she cajoled you into having a fifth child and promised to help you, you shouldn’t blame her for your situation.

A Night out and a holiday are slightly different to having a c-section though aren’t they 😂

No sympathy for the fact her mum drops everything to help OP's brother and step siblings with their children?

@Fuckthatguy sorry I literally don't understand what you mean by "my husband needs to step up", when he is/has done! I don't want to go into theatre for a csection on my own, that's not to much to ask, to have my husband there for the birth of his child and to be supportive to his wife just while my mum watches essentially one 5year old for a few hours because the other 3 dc really are doing their own thing to be quite honest, whether that's gaming or on their phones, generally chilling or helping out with their youngest sibling the 5yr old! My husband will then come home after I'm settled at hospital and take over and do his duty as our dcs father!
Then hopefully the next day come and pick me up from hospital, it really was an if, IF I'm in hospital a day longer could she come up and do the same again for literally 3/4 hours!! So all of you saying my dh needs to step up really don't have a leg to stand!

The lack of sympathy for this lady's plight are really sad. She's opened up about feeling stressed about what is going to be a very difficult time. Nobody deserves judgement when they ask for help.

In fact, if the DH had written asking for advice to get help for his wife I've got a feeling he'd have been commended for his efforts and plenty of positive advice offered.

Aww bless you OP, it must feel so upsetting and hurtful to feel that your mum is not there for you. Even more upsetting that she speaks to you with such a lack of respect and care. I’m afraid you are better off without that relationship.

Hope you find someone to help, it’s such a worry isn’t it but hope all goes well. Try not to stress the things you can’t control. Wishing you all the best.

The only option is paid support. Find someone now who will work as a nanny for the time needed. You don't really have much choice otherwise and if it's important enough then it's worth it. At the end of the day you can't force your mother to help.

I can’t believe the responses. You know parenting doesn’t stop when your child reaches 18. If any of my children needed help I’d be there in a heartbeat. They’re her grandchildren and she sounds like a nasty old boot tbh! Just remember this when she’s old and needs your help.

surely you can leave the 10,11 and 14yr old at home whilst DH collects you and baby with 5yr old? It’s not that difficult.
she doesn’t want to come. She sounds like a bitch but we don’t know the history but the bottom line is that she doesn’t owe you childcare, and actually, you don’t really need it. If she makes you this upset then go no contact for a while.

As a mother to a daughter I couldn't imagine not helping my child out. My db and his wife are due their 3rd soon and it'll be a planned c-section. I offered to go and look after the little ones and I'd do the same for other family members/ friends etc. in my world that's what people do for each other.

I don't want to go into theatre for a csection on my own

Well sorry OP this may be a case of tough titty - you chose to have so many ids without a good support network. This I’m afraid is the consequence of your actions surely.

What did you do with your previous births?

You don’t want to have a c section alone
Your mum doesn’t wanna do the travelling and babysitting.

So you’re even. Except it’s YOU who needs the favour.

BINGO

More ageism.

An ‘old boot’ because she won’t take on more than she can handle

So you actually need to book a childminder for 3-4hrs, for one day, possibly two.

That's it.

Rather than your mother doing a 120 mile round trip when she's not comfortable looking after your 4 children on her own.