My mother is literally refusing to help full stop!

[Mymotherdontdoalot]

OK so there is a lot of back story here which I won't go into as it is just so long and winding, but the general gist is that my mother will literally do as little as possible to make life easier, to the point where I received a text the other day saying that it's not to her benefit to help me out!

Anyway the aibu is I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my 5th baby and am due a csection in 6 weeks time, and am getting incredibly stressed out about the general procedure and stress that comes with of being in hospital as I always seem to have complications! Dh is also stresssed aswell! So I have broached my mother who I thought might have been a little bit more supportive of my situation (god knows why she never has been before, usually couldnt give a shit about mine or my families wellbing in general,) being that it's my 4th csection so unsure of how it will pan out, from how long my stay in hospital will be to general health after etc! I stressed the situation to my mum and basically said, when I go in hospital can you come up and look after children obviously so dh is with me during csection and then if all goes well I'll hopefully be out next day, so can you come up and look after kids next day so dh can come and get me and baby in taxi and bring me back home to save dragging 4 extra dcs down the hospital and more added stress (taxis cancelling all the time where I am so a pain especially with 4 extra dc in tow not to mention, size of taxis no guarantee etc!)
I also added that if and it's a big IF I'm in hospital for one extra day after csection could she come then and stay with kids, so dh can come and see that his newborn and me are all OK, bring me things I may need/forgotten, general give me a break from being on a ward with every other person, on little or no sleep, so I can go for a wee in piece have a wash, you know the drill! Well that's when she went batshit stating, she's 60yrs old she not doing all that running around she's going to be tired, all that driving nope she's not doing it what about her husband and the dog (who she can actually leave at home perfectly fine) she's just not doing it, point blank i need to her actual words "get over it"and also why can't I leave my dc5 in the hands of there siblings 14,11,10 (we all know how much 5 year olds don't listen to siblings and decide to get mischievous once no responsible adults are around) when dh comes to pick me up with the baby at discharge, we all know discharge in hospitals can take bloody hours! At this point I did mention her staying over in the spare room to accommodate for driving etc, just for reference she lives 60 miles away but it takes her an hour to get to mine, I'm in london but so is my brother who she's visits very, very regularly and doesn't bat an eyelid to helping him out at all, it's never nope with him, no matter what it is, also when she met her husband he lived in london then and she would travel nearly everyday to see him also! She again still nope not doing it, her words again "it's not beneficial for me to do that" to be quite honest, no words could describe the shear anger and upset that I felt and have been feeling, so I got a bit upset and started crying, to which she replied "why on earth are you crying, for godsake" my dh is livid about the way that she has spoken to me and I am not really sure what to do now because I'm just shocked that she would come out with such a blasé/ nasty attitude towards helping me or lack of I should say!

I have had numerous texts from her since completely ignoring my situation and what I have asked of her and when I have broached the subject again been told I'm a fucker, I need to get a grip and grow up and things along those lines, when I have asked her why are you being so mean to me what exactly have I done, she's told me "if you think I'm being evil, you need help, you need to see a doctor" her exact words!

Also so as not to drip feed mine and my mother's relationship has been strained through the years because of actions on her part which were unreconcilable, but I let it go so as she could have something to do with her grandchildren, but that proved pointless because she seems to pick and choose as and when it suits her when she sees them and also tries to control how they behave around her (she has to be centre of attention all the time) there's alot more but I won't go into it as its just to much!

Me and dh just need some bloody help for that snippet of time when I'm in hospital, it is so much to ask aibu, it's literally like 3 days out of her time (which she spends doing nothing, everyday, she doesn't work never has done!)

Also before I forget her husband has 3 daughters and are roughly the same age as me, and she has rallied around after them no end, one time they all rushed down to hospital because one of his daughters was having extreme period pains (turned out she was jealous of her dad and my mums relationship and just wanted some attention, the same daughter, my mum has gotten up crack of dawn with to do carboot sales with her, and not batted an eyelid, the other daughter is a horder and actually has had my mum round cleaning her catshit off the floor in her house and cleaning in general because she doesn't do it, each time my mum has never batted an eyelid and more than happy to do anything for his daughters! These are just a few of the many things she does for his grown adult children!

No parent/relative is compelled to help you. Your partner perhaps. The fact 81%!of people agree with me should tell you something

I am so sorry you are going through this .. Absolutely your mother is very wrong... Yet people just like to judge .... Your mother sounds very much like mine ... Very self centred and cruel.. My mother put me down and told me I was useless My whole life.. Would charge me extortionate amounts of money to look after her own grandchildren..So know exactly how you feel and sadly it doesn't get any better .. The more you keep her in your life the more she will hurt you (Trust me I know) .. Cut all ties and live your own life .. That is the only way you will be free.. Try find alternative support for your family as your mother quite clearly doesn't want to know as sad as that is.. If you cut all ties with her she may or may not realise what she has lost.. I wish you all the best with the new baby and ignore ignorance on this thread ..people just like to judge ..bad place to come for support ... I do feel your pain though and can totally relate to how you feel.. God bless you and your family xx

You obviously have your hands full, but do think it’s a lot to expect of your DM

Yeah she has a choice to say no. But as far as family is concerned, she’s your mother and if she doesn’t want to help you this one time I think that you need to rethink having her in your life. Again it is her choice, but it’s also your choice to have her. Helping each other is what family is all about. My mother is just like yours. I helped her no matter what and never got any thing in return, got taken advantage of and never experienced care and love from her. 6 months ago she kicked me out and set my brother on me and now I’m in a refuge. Don’t be a doormat. If it were me and my kids aren’t good enough for her to watch once in several years then I would limit or stop her seeing them. That’s what I would do. I can’t watch people suffer - especially shouldn’t if it’s family and you haven’t got anything better to do and can help others! You’ll find people with good mums in this thread voting you down because they don’t get what having a narcissistic mother is like.

Dear friend, your mother is not going to help you and if she did you wouldn't feel happy with her being there. You have 6 weeks, try and think of a friend, a good neighbour, a person you would trust your life with, who knows your children. Ask that friend what you asked your mom. Take it from there.

@riceuten 😆, 81% of people are going to have very bitter children on their hands, who really would think twice about helping you all! Just because 81% on one mumsnet thread may have said nay doesn't mean everyone agrees with you, how naive!

Oh, OK, I guess you’re the silent minority

Omg! My mother used to charge my sister money to watch my nephew too. I was disgusted. She doesn’t bother with the grandkids. When they’re born she wants to pretend she was so involved - probably for attention - and then she basically doesn’t bother about them after that. After she kicked me out she had my dad in tears because he was worried about me and my health and he told me she had told him she can’t stand the kids. I was mortified and upset. She has had 8 kids. She only cares about her cash cow the one with the ADHD and so called autism and allows him to bully everyone. She had one child miscarried at 5 months and she cares about that one and the youngest brother more than the other 7 kids. I can’t wait until she’s gone. She has destroyed our family.

In her shoes I'd be making the best of what's left of my life. It was your choice to have all of those children not hers. From where I'm standing she has the right to refuse and do with her own time whatever she so wishes.

Oh no whatever shall we do?

You mean there are people, specifically women, who don’t want to look after their grandchildren or any other person in general actually but want to -gasp- do some fun activities or worse travel?

get our coats. There’s an emergency. Women must relearn our places in society. We’re meant to be caretakers, damn it. How selfish that some women would want to enjoy the peace that they earned and not be at the wit, whim and fancy of their grown ass children.

YANBU to know you'll need help and to ask your mother. YANBU to feel upset that you haven't got the kind of mother who'll rally round when you need her.

But YABU to feel like she should, and to expect her to have a sudden personality transplant this time. This is normal for her, and your only option really is to source help elsewhere.

Good luck with the birth.

Given the strained relationship, surely you don’t expect anything else from her? Also, you chose to have another baby so you need to take responsibility. My parents are a bit like that but I don’t ask them for anything now.

I wonder what the op's mother's side of this story is like

@riceuten absolutely if it means I've got morals, then I'll gladly be that side!

It is NOT your mum’s problem you have so many kids. If you cant handle them on your own you shouldn’t have them. Wow talk about entitlement !!!

Your mum has given you her honest answer so now it’s up to you to find some one else instead. No point blaming your mum etc. she isn’t obligated to help you just because she’s your mum. Especially at that age. It would be much better for your DH to stay with the children at home and another person come attend to you and your new baby. That would be easier on everyone.

The more children you have the harder it is to find childcare. Your mum probably could have handled 1 or maybe 2 but you have 4 soon to be 5. That's a lot of work.

Let's face it with 5 children you'll probably not find a babysitter for yous to have a night off for the next 10 years.

I read the first couple of pages - I knew when you said five kids, there would be a bit of a pile on.

My mum had big ambitions for looking after our children before they were born- in reality, she couldn't manage one on her own for more than a couple of hours. But it was our fault, evidently. After my first, when I was first back to work and DH and I were on our knees with nursery related sickness and just general adjusting to the whole thing, she came over to 'help'. Accused me of treating her like the nanny - there's me putting her clothes in the washing machine right before a conference call was about to start because that's when she remembered they needed to be done and had a strop. And more of the same. Disaster.

Eventually, we had au pairs and I never had my mum to stay with us without them also being there.

I think you need to hire a babysitter whom she can 'supervise' during this time, for most of the time she is there, if she does come. Five kids IS a lot to be honest and it may just be too much for her.

I really feel for you, OP. No matter what else has happened and how much ppl may think your Mum has a 'right' to say no, it's only a couple of days out of her life.
Still, I don't think you'd feel comfortable with her helping out now after all of this anyway.
If you really have no other friends or family then could your health visitor point you in the direction of some temporary help ?
I hope all goes well with the birth and that you can sort this situation out too.

@nomadmummy my god, its 3 days for a few hours each day, not forever! Op sounds like she copes perfectly fine usually as she has stated she doesn't ask for any help

It's only now when op is going to have a csection does she need a little bit of help for a few days

It seems like lots of you don't actually read through the ops posts properly or the updates, honestly get your facts straight

The problem now is there are lots of you rattling the same old answers literally word for word, to many sheep not enough shepherd's

You've all forgotten to behave like kind, feeling humans

@Teenyweenyitsybitsy

Interesting that you have opted not to have children, considering that you believe that mothers must give themselves up to their offsprings' needs and wishes forever more.

Tbh I can believe that 80%+ of Mumsnet would agree, people on here have some deeply weird, cold and individualistic ideas about how families work. There's also the rather misguided idea that pretty much abandoning or letting down your children after they turn 18 (especially if your daughter dared to have her own children) is some kind of feminist statement.

It all makes me extremely grateful for my own family. They'd do anything for me and me for them.

She sounds awful but then so do you. You claim her actions were 'unreconcilable' but they clearly weren't. You're now having your fifth baby when everybody knows the risks associated with having more than 2 csections, especially when you have very little support. I think you need to grow up.

Also you say your nan looked after you throughout school holidays, that is family help, that is being caring, how on earth did the caring gene in your family jump and clearly missed you out?

Let me guess, the 'caring gene' only carries down the female line.

What was she like with the 1st, or even the 2nd OP?

I find it extremely difficult to imagine a mother not helping her daughter no matter how strained the relationship, so I’m of the opinion there is more to this than just the OPs ranting and raging about what a horror her mother is.

You husband needs to step up due to your collective life choices it seems.