To think she's a CF?

[nopainnogain1]

My 12 year old has a school friend. This girl frequently comes home from school with DD and I feed her, care for her, she sleeps here etc when her mum's 'busy'.
She's a nice kid, but prone to a lack of respect at times. She refers to me as her second mum which is slightly odd but somewhat endearing. It's probably why I let some of her behaviour slide. Like, for example, she'll decide she needs a shower and will go in to my en-suite and help herself to my very expensive shampoo and conditioner. She takes them back to DD's bathroom, where after use she'll leave them thrown on the floor along with her wet towels. Apparently the shampoo and condition I provide for my own daughter isn't good enough for her hair type.

Anyway. On Friday after school my DD calls. Can her friend come over? Okay I say. They turn up just before dinner..... and this kid has been here ever since. She left about ten minutes ago after announcing 'I'm going! My mum's outside in the car. We're off out for dinner, bye!' Then out the front door she trots, wearing my daughter's hoodie, socks and sliders. I doubt I'll see those again. 🙄 I asked DD if she was invited out for dinner too. She wasn't.

This bothers me, and I'll tell you why. On Friday evening she tells me her mum is out in town in a date. DP and I exchanged a glance. So we are both aware that her mum's off with a new fella thus she needs the childcare and so sent her kid here.

On Saturday early eve the girls ask if they can go out and ask for money for food and drink. I send £20 to this girl's account because DD doesn't have a bank card yet and I didn't want to hand mine over.
They head off to the garden of a local very reasonably priced chain pub for a coke and a pizza before going on to meet friends at the park.

My daughter calls later on to ask for a lift home. I say no, it's still light and you're a ten minute walk away, see you shortly. She chats about their evening and says they asked her friend's mum for a lift home to ours but she was 'too drunk'. When they arrived at the pub she was already there drinking apparently.

Am I unreasonable to think that if you're going to palm your child off on someone else all weekend so you can go out to the pub and go on dates, and you've very much aware that someone else has given your daughter money for a meal out, then the very least you can do is get out of your car, come to the door and say thanks for having my child all weekend. And if you want to take your kid out for dinner afterwards, that's fine. But don't tell your DD this plan until you're well away from the house you left them at all weekend. Otherwise you just look like a massive CF!

This ,
and you can bet the £20 didn’t go on a couple glasses of coke and a pizza! What a coincidence that the girls mother was already in the pub!
The mother and the daughter are taking you both for complete fools! Grow a backbone and stand up for your daughter, report what is going on to school and social services before this turns into a serious problem. There is no way my kids would be spending time with people who I knew had drug issues currently or previously going on at home.

Karen is a lazy misogynist term and says a lot about those who use it.

Your lost me the moment you used Karen.

This kid DESPERATELY wants to be cared for by a "proper mum", like you. The poor thing. However, that means you really can put more boundaries in place, and you'll be doing her a favour by doing so.

The mum, however, is a complete and utter disgrace, and a full-on cheeky fucker.

This is really setting up your daughter to have no boundaries in her relationships.

OP please ignore the bullies on here, they're just bored and fancy a pile on. I totally get you. You want to be this child's only stability but don't want the mother to take your kindness for granted and take the piss!

Maybe the mum could pay an agreed amount towards her DD staying either every weekend or every other weekend?

GTF with your "Karen's" (sic) crap

Personally I think you're neglecting your daughter by looking after someone's else's kid. Can you imagine how she feels? It's like you're making the other one a priority and she's pulling the wool over your eyes. Does ur child use your shampoo and stuff? Why hasn't she got a bank account? It's not your fault either but I'd focus on my own daughter and make sure she given importance infront of her friend. You're her mother not her friends. It's sounds like she's living in her friends shadow.

Think the daughters cheeky too!

This is a very difficult one but one thing for sure is that mother is a CF, you are being used as an unpaid childminder and dumping ground for this poor child.
I would say no to sleepovers ( make up some reason) but she can definitely come round, for example I would drop the child home at 10pm on Friday night, that would surely mean it’s late enough that the mother had to stay in for the night and wouldn’t be bothered going out that late and dragging the child around the pubs with her at that time.
That mother needs to take responsibility for her child and understand that she can’t just dump her on you when she feels like it.

If I heard that she was dragging a child of that age around pubs late at night I would report her to SS anonymously.

sounds like she is being neglected

Oh and you don’t think it’s misogynistic to come on a forum trashing a woman / mother (stranger) on account of what another stranger tells you on the internet. Ok very logical.

Bit harsh don't you think?

Wait? What?!

You're attempt to turn this situation around and accuse the OP of neglect is grade a wankerism.

you need to let the friend know the ground rules for your home and while you're happy for her to come she will need to stick to them as requested or she will no longer be allowed over.

And she definitely shouldn't bee going in your room without express permission. ever.

The thread is very detailed and could be outing for the people involved. I feel for the child but who’s to say the mother isn’t just going through a bad time and could do with some support or understanding.

Nobody knows that the girls mother doesn’t love or care for her. Discussing her on here and going to SS or school could blow up in Op face.

Who's to say she’s not just being overly judgemental, just cause she lives differently to someone else. It can’t be all that bad if she wants her daughter to be entertained by the other mother or in her home.

This is more about you isn’t it OP? You’re playing saviour, you’re projecting your childhood experience onto this child making it your own to rescue her? But your responsibility is your DD.

But the daughter is exactly like her mother! Think of the shampoo incident. There is no respect there. She is very entitled. She knows what to say such as you are my second mother, but she treats her appallingly.

Clearly no one has modelled normal/acceptable behaviour. The girl acts out for attention, takes things that aren’t hers, it’s a cry for help.
The OP doesn’t owe the mum anything but the child is a victim in this situation.
It’s good that OP is setting boundaries but the girl will likely always push them. It’s best to speak to the school but if she can give the girl some kind of stability/safe place it might help. The girl will hopefully learn to respect OP, she doesn’t and can’t respect her own mother. It’s a horrible situation but will only be made worse by pushing the girl away.

As teenagers we all would spend time like this at our friends houses . Sometimes we practically lived at theirs and vice versa sharing cloths and eating each other’s food it was never an issue without parents .
She is getting too comfortable at yours and no way do I agree with using your bathroom and your stuff either .
She obviously does feel like your place is home and she’s doing teenage stuff like not tidying up after herself .This is something you have to address . I don’t think the child is doing it in any malicious way though. Just talk to her about your house your rules .

Maybe the mum is out all the time and home is a shit place to be , or maybe the mum has been at home alone for weeks while her daughter hangs at your place so she decides there is no point staying home alone anymore .
I know the girls aren’t teenagers but these days they really are .

Clearly no one has modeled normal/acceptable behaviour.

So many neglected children have no idea how to wash hair. Let alone with nice shampoo. They don’t have a choice of clothes or readily available things to eat.

We have no idea what her home life is like and all I see is a little girl desperate to be loved and be like her friend. I bet your home is like Christmas compared to hers.

Cheeky fucker parents usually breed cheeky fucker kids, which certainly seems to be the case here.

You can't change the mother, but you can model more acceptable behaviour, as some of the more reasonable responses not focusing on the 'pub' incident are saying. If you don't have an issue with her being over, then you need to tell her that it's fine she comes, but she needs to stop taking things which are yours, the shampoo, and whilst helping themselves is fine, not everything needs to be eaten. Also give her the list of clothes you need back. It doesn't sound like mum will be all that receptive if you approach her directly, have you ever spoken to mum before?

Gosh, that made me tear up.

Set some boundaries with the mother and tell this girl she is not allowed in your bathroom