To think she's a CF?

[nopainnogain1]

My 12 year old has a school friend. This girl frequently comes home from school with DD and I feed her, care for her, she sleeps here etc when her mum's 'busy'.
She's a nice kid, but prone to a lack of respect at times. She refers to me as her second mum which is slightly odd but somewhat endearing. It's probably why I let some of her behaviour slide. Like, for example, she'll decide she needs a shower and will go in to my en-suite and help herself to my very expensive shampoo and conditioner. She takes them back to DD's bathroom, where after use she'll leave them thrown on the floor along with her wet towels. Apparently the shampoo and condition I provide for my own daughter isn't good enough for her hair type.

Anyway. On Friday after school my DD calls. Can her friend come over? Okay I say. They turn up just before dinner..... and this kid has been here ever since. She left about ten minutes ago after announcing 'I'm going! My mum's outside in the car. We're off out for dinner, bye!' Then out the front door she trots, wearing my daughter's hoodie, socks and sliders. I doubt I'll see those again. 🙄 I asked DD if she was invited out for dinner too. She wasn't.

This bothers me, and I'll tell you why. On Friday evening she tells me her mum is out in town in a date. DP and I exchanged a glance. So we are both aware that her mum's off with a new fella thus she needs the childcare and so sent her kid here.

On Saturday early eve the girls ask if they can go out and ask for money for food and drink. I send £20 to this girl's account because DD doesn't have a bank card yet and I didn't want to hand mine over.
They head off to the garden of a local very reasonably priced chain pub for a coke and a pizza before going on to meet friends at the park.

My daughter calls later on to ask for a lift home. I say no, it's still light and you're a ten minute walk away, see you shortly. She chats about their evening and says they asked her friend's mum for a lift home to ours but she was 'too drunk'. When they arrived at the pub she was already there drinking apparently.

Am I unreasonable to think that if you're going to palm your child off on someone else all weekend so you can go out to the pub and go on dates, and you've very much aware that someone else has given your daughter money for a meal out, then the very least you can do is get out of your car, come to the door and say thanks for having my child all weekend. And if you want to take your kid out for dinner afterwards, that's fine. But don't tell your DD this plan until you're well away from the house you left them at all weekend. Otherwise you just look like a massive CF!

Wetherspoons with the app … sitting outside.. at 4 pm in the afternoon.

Would you say the same about them going to a Harvester? If not, why not? It's a pub chain too.

Not sure what the ridiculous "outrage " is all about. Wetherspoons at 4pm is hardly the local Red Lion at 11pm on a Friday night

@nopainnogain1
its very kind of you for looking after the friend,

I just want to post to follow this thread!

This girl is very lucky to have you @nopainnogain1 . I do agree with others though, you need boundaries.

"If you go in my ensuite again then you'll have to return to your home. It's not ok to take things without permission, you have permission to use DDs"

"It's ok for you to borrow DDs clothes but the next time they're not immediately returned when we next see you then you'll no longer have that option. It's ok if they need washing, but they must be immediately returned"

Etc. Plan in advance based on the scenarios you know of and follow through.

I wouldn't describe the mother as a CF. I'd describe her as an absolute disgrace of a parent. But let's remember that it takes two to make a baby. This girl has a father somewhere who also doesn't give a damn. Terribly sad for the girl. Seeing your home, seeing a normal family dynamic etc could seriously change her life for the better.

I hope it all goes well for you and your DD.

Oh - I also would be reporting this to the school by the way. Whilst it's wonderful that you feel able to help, it isn't actually your responsibility. The proper authorities should know.

i sometimes put "all the best op" but some posters said that was omg, and i needed a better reply

She needs to have boundaries set. If she is to stay, it must be for a pre-agreed period of time. And no stealing things from your bathroom, or similar. And I would never give anyone else's child money to go out with, unsupervised. Nor would I allow a 12-yr-old of my own to go to a pub without an adult.

I'd also be very concerned if I had a 12-yr old exposed to the example of that mother.

This with bells on

Have you even spoken to the girls mother before painting her as unreasonable. Yes she sounds like a cf and neglectful but you don’t know what demons she's battling or anything about her upbringing. As a previous poster mentioned, when they get to secondary school it’s seen as hanging with mates rather than being babysat. Also tell your daughter to enforce your boundaries when you are not in the room with them, I know it’ll be hard for her at first my daughter hated lecturing her friends about my house rules. At the end of the day people only treat you how you allow them to.

As kind as I think op is, influenced by her own difficulties. As much as I feel she should help with boundaries, I can’t help but think op is going to really regret encouraging this friendship. I have seen this play out multiple times with teen girls.

Had this with my daughter and her friend, we even took her on holiday. My daughter eventually got really fed up with this friend using her stuff, taking her stuff and generally being at our house all the time, where she never had any time to her self in her bed room, which was her own personal space….big row happened and the friendship fizzled out. The girl tried to get close again a couple of times but daughter wasn’t having it. The girl had done the same to other friends in between too. Some people take advantage, and don’t even realise it.

Fit a lock to the outside of your en suite so you can lock it….or put a locked cupboard up with your stuff in that’s not for others to use.

Then maybe sit the girls down and have a chat about forming boundaries - them and you. If they don’t learn what they’re own boundaries are going to be, they certainly won’t be respecting anyone else’s.

As they’re genuine great friends, it’s a shame if you cut her off/refuse her coming over.
Instead explain what you will and won’t tolerate.

Also this girl must have been nosying around your house to find the shampoo in your en suite. That’s not on!

I was once this kid.

Let it slide, had I not been putting myself on my best friends mum, I would have been sat in the back room of a pub while my mum was drunk. I don't remember much of my childhood, but I do remember how kind my friends mum was (although the using your good shampoo and conditioner is CF behaviour)

This child is being dragged up, or to put it in safeguarding terms, neglected . The lack of manners of her mum should be the least of your worries. Sure , you can have a chat with the mum but if you expect a change of personality , an apology and contrition, you will be sorely disappointed. More likely, the kid will be punished for disclosing too much/ not behaving properly even if no one taught her to and/or banned from coming to your house, and left home alone or worse.

If you can be in her life as a stable presence and influence, by all means do it. But I also urge you to report everything you know to the school and even SS. Atm you're just a plaster and a paracetamol on an oozing, gangrenous wound.

Also her extreme use of toilet paper/cotton wool could be because she doesn't have these items readily available at home, or any sanitary protection so she stocks up with what she can , and can justify as cheap/not easily noticeable if they go missing.

This relationship with this girl is not healthy for either of you. As someone has mentioned you need to speak to the school pastor for advice and guidance with this. In a way you are enabling the behaviour of both the child and her mother. You are not her mother and it is worrying that she is using you as a mother figure. Your own daughter should come first. You are letting your childhood experiences influence how you are now handling this. People have given you advice and you have taken the defence. Why did you post if you are happy to continue with the arrangement?

Where the kids had pizza is irrelevant. People drink alcohol in Pizza Express too FGS.

OP, I think you have to talk to the school, whilst also (if you are are prepared to) letting this child come to your home.

I had a friend like your DD's when I was at school. My mum (I swear the woman is a saint) absolutely made the difference to making sure she had her period gear, clean stuff, boundaries on bedtime and a full tummy.

You know it's not her fault she takes the piss with your stuff. You're doing the right thing in putting your foot down there simply because her "parent" hasn't taught her.

I know that if I were in your shoes I'd have a little drawer of knickers, clothes and cosmetics she can call her own.

Her mother on the other hand is a prize CF, but if you confront her this girl might be stopped coming to your house, which is her only experience of normal.

Even without the issues, I have always encouraged my dds to have lots of friends not just one. It can implode and leave either girl in social isolation. I would talk to dd about making new friends, expanding her circle (watering down the potential impact) and having some experience of healthy, reciprocal friendships as an absolute bare minimum.

I can really understand why you want to continue your support, the poor girl has been through enough, but please limit the fall out, especially where your dd is concerned. You must protect her, and her interests and not allow your own childhood to taint your judgement.

Mother is clearly a bit shit and ungrateful. I would suggest speaking to her but I presume little will come from it. Everyone is being very judgement about the pizza situation, personally I think absolutely fine and prefer my child to have a meal out with a friend at an establishment I know with my permission than to be glued to their phone or out doing all sorts.

I think just try to establish you better boundaries with the friend. Explain to your daughter that if she wants to have dinner/stay over you need to know in advance. When friend is over just consistently remind her of the rules “I’ve told you before please stay out of my bathroom and use the stuff in the main bathroom not mine”, “I’ve washed your shorts, if you staying overnight can you please bring a change of clothes”. She’s a kid, who sounds like she’s raising herself. I don’t know what you economical situation is but if you it isn’t having a significant impact on your bank balance and if you don’t think she’s bad influence be the better parent 😊 I have a childhood friend and we were like sisters and I suspect we often treated each others homes like are own and it may have pissed off eachothers parents no end but she’s still one of my best friends and I still
love her parents 27 years later.

All the Karen’s on here telling her to go to the authority’s when she hasn’t even made it clear if she’s approached the girls mother, or seen the girls living arrangements first hand.

Take it from me the SS aren’t going to intervene cause of one episode with a dirty clothes item. If OP gets the authorities involved or approaches the school on the matter, she may unleash a world of backlash for herself and her daughter.

We’ve only heard one side of the story. If it’s all so bad why would you want your daughter in the girls home and around who knows what, just to even the score for a bit of pizza and shampoo.

You sound really lovely OP. As long as your dd is happy being friends with this girl, I’d continue to have her round though I would put rules in place. Taking your shampoo and conditioner might be because she’s used to fending for herself at home with whatever she can get and isn’t used to people having their own things. Her mother isn’t a cf but more a negligent parent. I would speak to the designated safeguarding lead at school and raise your concerns.

Karen is a derogatory sexist term. Please don’t use it when addressing other women.

@Lolasgame please don't use that horribly misogynistic turn of phrase, there's just no need.

OP I agree with others - if she's such a regular visitor and if the girls genuinely get on, you need to be stronger on ground rules and consequences. It needs to be carrot and stick imo. I'd buy (if you can afford it) more loo roll, period products, soap, shampoo and point the girls to it - but if it's not in the family bathroom it's not up for grabs. She's welcome to use the washing machine/ask for your help to use it, but your daughter's clothes aren't for the taking and you hoik her back in if you see them being worn out the door. Etc.

Ok, fish wife, judgemental, sanctimonious, rash. Good enough.