To think she's a CF?

[nopainnogain1]

My 12 year old has a school friend. This girl frequently comes home from school with DD and I feed her, care for her, she sleeps here etc when her mum's 'busy'.
She's a nice kid, but prone to a lack of respect at times. She refers to me as her second mum which is slightly odd but somewhat endearing. It's probably why I let some of her behaviour slide. Like, for example, she'll decide she needs a shower and will go in to my en-suite and help herself to my very expensive shampoo and conditioner. She takes them back to DD's bathroom, where after use she'll leave them thrown on the floor along with her wet towels. Apparently the shampoo and condition I provide for my own daughter isn't good enough for her hair type.

Anyway. On Friday after school my DD calls. Can her friend come over? Okay I say. They turn up just before dinner..... and this kid has been here ever since. She left about ten minutes ago after announcing 'I'm going! My mum's outside in the car. We're off out for dinner, bye!' Then out the front door she trots, wearing my daughter's hoodie, socks and sliders. I doubt I'll see those again. 🙄 I asked DD if she was invited out for dinner too. She wasn't.

This bothers me, and I'll tell you why. On Friday evening she tells me her mum is out in town in a date. DP and I exchanged a glance. So we are both aware that her mum's off with a new fella thus she needs the childcare and so sent her kid here.

On Saturday early eve the girls ask if they can go out and ask for money for food and drink. I send £20 to this girl's account because DD doesn't have a bank card yet and I didn't want to hand mine over.
They head off to the garden of a local very reasonably priced chain pub for a coke and a pizza before going on to meet friends at the park.

My daughter calls later on to ask for a lift home. I say no, it's still light and you're a ten minute walk away, see you shortly. She chats about their evening and says they asked her friend's mum for a lift home to ours but she was 'too drunk'. When they arrived at the pub she was already there drinking apparently.

Am I unreasonable to think that if you're going to palm your child off on someone else all weekend so you can go out to the pub and go on dates, and you've very much aware that someone else has given your daughter money for a meal out, then the very least you can do is get out of your car, come to the door and say thanks for having my child all weekend. And if you want to take your kid out for dinner afterwards, that's fine. But don't tell your DD this plan until you're well away from the house you left them at all weekend. Otherwise you just look like a massive CF!

It's lovely that you care so much, but you do need to put your foot down and say no occasionally. Taking things when she's been told not to -tell her off! Ask for the clothes back or alternatively call her back to the house when she waltzes out and tell her to change into her own clothes. She is stealing. None of these things are being mean or saying she can never come over again -she just needs to do as she is told. The kids also need to ask if she can stay the whole weekend before just doing so. I don't think you are going to get anything in return from the mum so you'll have to forget that. To be honest I wouldn't want any from the sounds of it. Start saying no though. You can still care and not be a doormat.

Obviously she’s a CFer and so is the daughter.
However, you are really doing this for your DD - if she is happy with this arrangement I’d bite my tongue.
I would start putting some boundaries in place though (like no going in my en-suite !).

If you feel like you aren’t going to get through to the girl’s mum and you feel sorry for her to the point you feel like you need to let her stay there, then you need to start setting clear boundaries about what is acceptable behaviour in your own home.

She’s taking liberties because it sounds like you’re not setting expectations for her. If she disrespects your rules then you tell her she’s got one more chance and then she has to go home. Two strikes, you carry out the threat.

Sorry OP but you come across to me as enjoying this slagging off the parent very much. All of this was within your control to rein in and you haven't chosen to do that. You say how sorry you are for this girl but you post some very personal things about her.

Her mother is a negligent parent, no doubt about that. What have you done about it? Why do you need and audience and confirmation of the obvious when even you're very certain that this is situation is all sort of wrong? Ugh.

From a different perspective if SS are involved then they do look out for dirty clothes and hair. If she’s showering at yours then the teachers will miss this as she no longer looks neglected.

Ring school and explain the current situation, that will help her more than anything else.

Why not buy her some of her own shampoo/Soap/ etc so she has her own and a towel, so she doesn’t take yours? Or put yours up and put cheap stuff out?

If she’s there too long, tell you DD she’s welcome Friday nights only as you have other stuff on. I wouldn’t berate the mother she’s likely to turn on you and make it worse for the girl.

As for the pub lunch, would you want your DD with a drunk, neglectful parent?

If you speak to the mother calmly explain she’s welcome Fridays, and You would appreciate her not dropping her child off ad-hoc as you generally have plans.

If you continue to allow this to happen it teaches your daughter to "allow behaviour" to happen. Start now and set the standard for your daughter if it means going out of your comfort zone. Be prepared for backlash (from other parent/child) but ignore that behaviour and repeat where your boundary is and continues to be. And report to school safeguarding

As usual, a lot of MN over-reaction. Though tbf the huffy response wasn't helpful either.

I think you have the chance to massively improve this child's outcomes in life, @nopainnogain1, by giving her some stability and letting her see how other people live. You need to give her boundaries though, the same as your own child/ren.

Ban her from your shower! She has no business being in there. I'd hide my expensive products when she's there (though you shouldn't have to) and that will remove any temptation. If she wants different products, then her mother has to provide them (betting she doesn't have these at home...!) No more lending clothes until the previous ones have been returned.

Discussion with the mum, absolutely! She needs boundaries put in place too. First and foremost, she needs to ask if it suits you to have her child over and specify for how long (not a whole weekend - no family time of your own!!) and she needs to fund her DD's activities. Next time they want to get something to eat, she has to ask her own mother not you!!

Not sure I'd be happy about 12 year olds unsupervised in a beer garden tbh though. Isn't there somewhere more child friendly they could go? Excessive alcohol has already been normalised for your DD's friend via her mother - don't think either of them need further exposure.

I also think you should be looking ahead to when boys/drink/parties become a feature. I'd be worried about the influence of the friend's background on my own child. Just be aware.

Your daughter won't understand that this is actually considered free childcare for her friend. She just thinks she's having a play date and will be upset with you if you ban her friend. They must get on incredibly well and you shouldn't limit this friendship because of the mother's behaviour.

At this point I'd probably limit sleepovers to one night only and always have a conversation with the mum before any play dates. Also allow one sleepover a week only. She may pick a different friend at that point.

My mum always had the rule of 'I need to speak to her mum first.' And would arrange pick-up time etc. you need to communicate with her mum.

My best friend and I used to have week-long sleepovers at my house during the summer and we also took her on holiday a lot. Her family did not have the money to do that for me in return and my mum knew it. She was one of 5 children and shared a room with her sister, so spending time at hers wasn't ideal either. However, her mum was always incredibly sweet, grateful and would ALWAYS bring homemade cakes and flowers etc as thank yous. She was an incredible cook and would sometimes bring round huge freshly made meals for us all when she stayed with us. My friend was always an angel too. It's give and take. You're giving, with nothing in return.

Also consider speaking to the school regarding safeguarding. The mother is putting her social life over her child. She isn't setting her boundaries either if she feels comfortable commenting on shampoo etc.
you need to ask the girl not to use your shower or your products. Be firm if you need to be. If she goes home and complains to mum, at least that'll give you the chance to speak to her.
'I'm happy to have your daughter one night a week as they are such good friends however she must follow these rules and have spending money as I cannot afford to fund them both etc'

Sorry just reading more. At this point, I would consider that you are doing the best for both this little girl and your daughter. If home life is bad, she is definitely safer with you once a week and may take pressure off mum too. However definitely establish strong rules and boundaries. Speak to your daughter too, she will be able to communicate with her friend about what you expect.

Op I'm going to go against a lot of posters here and say that you sound wonderfully kind and caring, and I hope that your daughters friend recognises that in you. They're at a tough age, I know I was a nightmare at that age for thinking I knew it all and was as good as being a grown up, I look back and cringe honestly. I wish I'd had someone like you around when I was your dd's age.

This.

you must stop having her around and if mum is out call SS

This ☝️

Op, I think you're a really lovely person for taking this girl under your wing. And the fact she thinks to give you a Mother's Day card, shows how much you mean to her. You're very kind.
I would inform the school as they would likely have noticed this too (especially if she's not wearing clean clothes), as this could be extra evidence.
And hide your food shampoo when she comes😉

Pretty much this

You setting good boundaries op. I would say to the girl if she has clothes she needs washed to bring them over. My heart broke a bit when you described her teyong to clean cycling shorts with a wipe. You are doing a lovely thing for this teen. I'd ask the mum to transfer you spending money for her dd

Perhaps make up a box of stuff for her at your house. Couple pairs cheap PJ, some primary best leggings, top, hoodie, underwear, socks, sliders, toothbrush, shampoo and brush so she has her own bits - might stop her taking stuff if she has something that's hers at your house.

Aren't you contacting the girls mum at all when she stays over? Surely you should be having a chat with her about it and at that point you can set clear boundaries. But if you're just letting the girl stay and not saying anything then she must think you're absolutely fine about it.

Send her mother a bill for food, toiletries , money you put into her account etc..
I’d also speak to the school and suggest they speak with SS. Child sounds at risk of goodness knows what if her mum’s got a drink problem.

The mother is neglectful and needs reporting. Your own back story means you’ve taken on this child and actually are prepared to put up with it so why the thread?

You can’t moan about the child’s CF mother while you’re singly absolving her of all responsibility by stepping into the role. And don’t be fooled by the ‘second mother’ and Mother’s Day cards. This damaged child needs her own mother to grow up and step up.

Easily sorted.
To my DD who was 13 at the time "Sophie can come here after you have been to hers. No "spontaneous" sleepovers. Only pre arranged by parents."

I would be speaking with the Designated Safeguarding Lead or Officer at the school they attend and highlight your concerns. A few things you have mentioned are red flags. The school/external services may (probably do) already have a file on this child and your information may assist further.

But while she's in your house stop letting her get away with all that!

That's down to you

Yea the mun is a CF. And yes you could turn your back on the child but you’re probably making a huge difference to this child’s life, like someone did to yours.
Well done OP xx

I understand why you are annoyed that she is not returning the hospitality by not inviting your DD for dinner but to be honest if she has been drinking all weekend do you really want her driving your daughter?

I think that if your DD is genuinely good friends with this girl then you might have to accept that this is going to be one sided. I would set some boundaries with this girl though whilst she is in your home.

Tbh, and I haven’t RTFT here, but it’s a massive safeguarding issue and I’d be contacting the school first thing tomorrow