To think DS 20 should get his old room back?

[altawalt]

My DS is 20 with mental health issues and is on the autistic spectrum. I've been with DP since he was 4.

At the end of last year he was going to move in with his girlfriend and they found a flat but unfortunately they didn't end up moving in. DS moved in with her and her family instead. He got a full time job (was previously working part time) and things were great. His gf’s mum messaged me back in may and told me he wasn't going to work and was very quiet. We met up and he told me he was struggling. He went to the GP and was put on antidepressants and he's seemed fine since.

He came home and wouldn't say why but then admitted he and his gf had an argument and he decided to come here to give them both some space. This isn't what his girlfriend is saying, she told her mum that they had an argument because she thought he was cheating and he shoved her. DS is denying this, I don't know who to believe but DP believes his girlfriend which had led to them arguing over it and has threatened to shove DS if he does it again, which I think he was wrong to say.

DS and his girlfriend have made up but have agreed for him to stay here for now. DS isn't the easiest to live with he is very messy, he plays his music loud and he struggles with sleeping so doesn't sleep until the early hours and he makes a lot of noise downstairs and makes food etc etc. DP knows this as he was like this previously but now he makes a comment about it everytime DS does it. He says he's old enough to now know better and he's been spoilt by me as I've always allowed it.
Whilst DS was gone he agreed that SS could have his room and since DS has been home he's slept on the sofa but has said he wants his room back. Which DP doesn't think he should be allowed.

An I unreasonable in thinking that DS should get his old room back and DP is being unreasonable?

I'd consider moving to a house with 4 bedrooms.if at all possible. If not possible I'd put room divider back up and DS and DSS would have to share the larger room and DD get the smaller room. I'd be telling DS no loud music especially late at night and to be considerate to his step brother. I think DS who has autism.needs some support but he can't displace SS from his room if he lives there all the time.

You're not wrong. I'm seeing it more from the perspective that only OP's biological children matter, I think... I'm probably showing more sympathy for the stepson as the daughter has two advocates, when he has one. If that makes any sense whatsoever!

Your husband is acting like a callous bully and seems to favor his biological children over the child he parents with you since he was 3 years old.

DS is a disabled person. SS is a child. He has left his mum's full time care when he was 12. Just because he doesn't have any disabilities we know about doesn't mean he doesn't matter too.

The OP said her SS moved in 4 years ago when he was 12/13. That’s old enough to understand that you don’t wind up someone with a disability who needs a calm environment. From the sounds of it, his father may not have been on board with that.

In regards to your last point, the OP should be also be doing everything she can to protect and prioritise HER son who although only just an adult is a very vulnerable one, already massively disadvantaged due to his disability.

I disagree.

@altawalt is acting like a callous bully and seems to favour her biological children over the child she has parented with him since he was 1 years old.

I agree @MargotBamborough they should not have had a third child with only 2 bedrooms… but then they didn’t they only had one child living with them so they had another.

Then at 12 for whatever reason the SS comes to live with Dad and this has negative impacts on the other two children in their care. One having to share a room and the other being pushed out.

So where is the mother in all this. DS father clearly long gone. But where is the SS mother who had custody until recently? Or other family members on both sides to help until the DS is housed?

It will take 6m minimum to get him privately housed, years for social house.

It should make sense, but in reality it seems like she also only has one advocate, since the OP doesn't seem at all concerned about her having had to share with a teenage boy for all these years.

@HunterHearstHelmsley I can't quote a quote on the app

Obv I meant son not step son

Oh behave!! You are fucking honestly blaming the 16 for everything?!!

Yes, she should. But that doesn't make her partner some sort of monster for wanting safety and stability for his son. OP is lauded for prioritising her son and her partner is demonised for prioritising his.

At the end of the day, he was a child when he moved in full time. Yeah, he may have behaved poorly but he was still a child. We can't expect adult behaviour from children, especially when they're constantly being disturbed by loud music etc.

Thanks, I was very shocked! That makes more sense.

Maybe his mother is dead.

Maybe his mother is in prison.

Maybe his mother lives in Australia.

Maybe his mother sent him to live with his dad so that her new children with her new partner could each have their own bedroom.

Does it really matter?

This is a child you are talking about. A child who has been treated like a lesser priority for most of his life already, and instead of chucking him out of his bedroom you're suggesting chucking him out of his father's house altogether. I'm genuinely appalled by this suggestion.

@MyHornCanPierceTheSky
Nope it is the parents responsibility here.

They had 2 kids housed comfortably and didn’t have room for another but brought him in. If they were going to take him in they needed to move or to sleep on sofa bed themselves.

I expect he has been in their life for their entire relationship. I doubt the mother just randomly appeared 12 years in. He should have been factored in - whether he was there full time, half time or every other weekend.

@MargotBamborough

I am not suggesting chucking him out, thinking he could stay some of the time with his mother or go there in a temporary capacity as his step brother is currently homeless with no where else to go. It’s a few months.

@HunterHearstHelmsley

True. It does seem like spectacularly bad family planning considering the needs of autistics into adulthood are well documented.

"Take him in"?

That's an odd turn of phrase to refer to someone becoming the resident parent of their own child.

Even if you have separated from your child's other parent, unless you are going to completely absolve yourself of any responsibility for them whatsoever then you need to work on the basis that they will be staying overnight with you regularly, and that they may at some point end up living with you full time.

This was not new information at the time the OP and her husband decided to have another child, knowing there was a 50% chance it would be a girl and that there was a greater than zero chance of the stepson ending up living with them.

The OP's husband is just as responsible for his son as his son's mother is (assuming she is still alive) and there will be a reason why he is no longer living with her. If your child can no longer live with their other parent, you can't exactly say, "Not my problem" and pack them off to live with a spinster aunt.

The average 12 year old would actively choose to move away from a house they have to share a room in not spend more time there so in the absence of other information I think it’s fair to say that either his mothers house is equally if not more overcrowded or that living with her simply isn’t an option (because she is dead, in prison, abroad, in the middle of nowhere with no educational opportunities etc)

Only a few months during what is presumably his A-levels.

What if his mother doesn't live in the same area? Should he move schools to accommodate his homeless adult stepbrother too?

Is there anything you don't think this boy should be forced to concede or give up if it benefits his stepbrother?

Look the reality is this is none of the kids fault, they are all suffering for poor adult decision making.

The parents should Kip on the couch, give the kids their own rooms and put their efforts into moving to more suitable accommodation or finding a flat for DS. There’s no other way round it.

Yep. The parents are going to have to put themselves out. They created the situation but apparently expect their children to solve it.

@MargotBamborough

It was a suggestion that another parent’s hands on deck to take some responsibility might be a sensible idea right now.

Stop trying to make out like I am some sort of Fagin character!!

Well on the assumption that it wasn't an immaculate conception, the OP's son has another parent too.

Shouldn't he be the first port of call?

So even if he didn’t move in full time where would he have gone when he did visit? Full time four years ago doesn’t really mean much anyway - he might have lived with dad during the week and gone to mums at weekend, he could have been 50/50 - you don’t know so stop acting like a child living with his dad is the issue.