To think DS 20 should get his old room back?

[altawalt]

My DS is 20 with mental health issues and is on the autistic spectrum. I've been with DP since he was 4.

At the end of last year he was going to move in with his girlfriend and they found a flat but unfortunately they didn't end up moving in. DS moved in with her and her family instead. He got a full time job (was previously working part time) and things were great. His gf’s mum messaged me back in may and told me he wasn't going to work and was very quiet. We met up and he told me he was struggling. He went to the GP and was put on antidepressants and he's seemed fine since.

He came home and wouldn't say why but then admitted he and his gf had an argument and he decided to come here to give them both some space. This isn't what his girlfriend is saying, she told her mum that they had an argument because she thought he was cheating and he shoved her. DS is denying this, I don't know who to believe but DP believes his girlfriend which had led to them arguing over it and has threatened to shove DS if he does it again, which I think he was wrong to say.

DS and his girlfriend have made up but have agreed for him to stay here for now. DS isn't the easiest to live with he is very messy, he plays his music loud and he struggles with sleeping so doesn't sleep until the early hours and he makes a lot of noise downstairs and makes food etc etc. DP knows this as he was like this previously but now he makes a comment about it everytime DS does it. He says he's old enough to now know better and he's been spoilt by me as I've always allowed it.
Whilst DS was gone he agreed that SS could have his room and since DS has been home he's slept on the sofa but has said he wants his room back. Which DP doesn't think he should be allowed.

An I unreasonable in thinking that DS should get his old room back and DP is being unreasonable?

You have three children and should be giving equal consideration to all their needs, but appear to be prioritising your DS over the others.
Personally I think the worst case scenario is your DD sharing with your SS, so I'd be discarding that option. If the two sons don't mind sharing then that's what I'd do. I'd be giving them both strict instructions about behaviour, no touching each others things etc, and I'd be offering up use of my room as a safe/private space when essential for DS.
Assuming your DH is a decent reasonable man, I'd be giving serious consideration to his views on your treatment of your DS and reflecting on whether he has a point. Your DS appears to have got physical with a woman in anger, which is a long way from ideal, yet you seem to be dismissing that and focusing on making the rest if the family bend to his needs.

Yabvu. Imagine if a man had come on here and said he'd shoved his girlfriend and moved out and now wants to move back home, kicking his kid stepbrother out of his room in the process. It's OK though because mental health! You are enabling his behaviour, your DP is right.

He moved out, he's an adult, the room was reallocated to a non-adult you are responsible for and who is living there.

YABU for expecting your stepson to vacate the room for your 20 year old son, no matter what his problems are.

You will have to come up with another solution. You can't just favour your son over your partner's child.

Op I fully understand how hard this is but your ss is part of the family and can’t be expected to share again with his sister. It’s now inappropriate for them to share.

For the short term your ds and ss could share but I also understand your dp point of view that ds moved out. At some point he will need to stand on his two feet. I know he’s autistic but he was seriously considering moving in with his gf in a flat and then that fell through. I’m assuming his gf mum didn’t take care of him when he lived there. I know his mental health suffered but he did cope.

Your dp is angry because his adult ss has moved back home and now he will be thinking that this will happen every few years when ds moves out. It’s also very disrespectful of your ds being that loud at night time, especially with younger siblings at home.

Sadly your house isn’t practical for all of you to live in. Only options are ds and ss share or the living room is given up and becomes a temporary bedroom. This means it’s out of bounds for everyone.

I’m afraid I think the only answer - if your DH won’t hear of the two “boys” sharing (and I can see why it’s not ideal if your DS needs a sanctuary, and your SS probably could do with one too) - is for your and your DH to take the sitting room.

Its literally the only option that works.

It makes sense because then the two people responsible for the situation are the ones without an upstairs room.

The kids presumably have some sort of screen they can watch in their rooms, be it a tablet or tv, so I imagine won’t be too put out by the loss of a living room. Get a sofa bed rather than the sofa so you can put it back to being a sitting room when things get easier (when one child or other moves out I guess)

SS and DD sharing is absolutely not an option, I agree. Totally inappropriate at their ages. That’s the worst option.

@altawalt you and Partner just need to sleep in the living room so your son has somewhere to unwind. Particularly if your partner won't compromise with the boys sharing.

Would it be easier if your son sort of showed willing and said he would try and moderate the things that wind everyone up/ annoy them?

I don't understand what else your going to do? If you want to put a roof over his head someone is going to have to compromise. What do you see happening?

As I said, today I suggested DS and SS share but DP is against it. It hasn't worked out in the past but DS said he would be willing to try. He still isn't home.

Posters are also missing where I said he only plays loud music and other behaviours when he's stressed or anxious. He isn't always like it. Posters seem to be focusing on that. Yes, he's an adult but he's also autistic and as a poster said he probably functions at about the same age as SS.

How can you guarantee that he isn't going to be stressed and anxious the night before your stepson has an important exam?

Could you not invest in a sofabed for the living room for DS? this way SS still keeps the room, DD still keeps hers.. and your DS still has somewhere to sleep🤷‍♀️

@altawalt I have lived with three boys (two autistic) he can play his music loud but he puts headphones on. He needs to find other ways to deal with stress.

I feel like you have made your mind up and you want him to have his room Back. But where does that leave your step son and partner? Are you willing to break your family up over this?

Exactly.
I don't think OP's open to considering any other options.
Personally if I was OP's DP I'd be moving out with SS. The poor boy's already had a tumultuous home life, in an exam year, he doesn't need any more disruption.
In a year and a bit he'll be off to uni, and glad to escape. Then OP's DS can have his room back. Somehow I don't think SS will be in a hurry to return if he can help it.

I think they should go back to trying to share. Or your 1yo goes in with you.

@MargotBamborough

He is long gone. The mother was on the scene until 4 years ago. Where is she now?

If DS knew what was happening, where he was living etc then he may feel more secure and less stressed and anxious. I have suggested something but DP is against it. So yes, I would be willing to split with him over it as it seems he just wants DS out and by posts on here, apparently that's not unreasonable of him. DS can't go anywhere else, he's never met his dad. SS could've stayed living with his mum but he was fighting with his older brother just like here with DS. He carried on seeing her occasionally whilst living here but the brother is gay and he's now been making homophobic remarks, and his reasons are that it's funny and he's joking etc. But now his mum doesn't want him over there.

They don't have a one year old, they have a 20 year old boy (hers), a 16 year old boy (his) and a 12 year old girl (theirs).

he only plays loud music and other behaviours when he's stressed or anxious

That does not give him any right whatsoever to (potentially) cause other members of the household to become stressed or anxious themselves by being subjected to loud music etc.

I absolutely hate blaring music (unless it's in an appropriate setting such as a party or concert). Knowing that I might be randomly subjected to that in my own home would make me stressed out. Whose stress takes precedence then?

Son needs to either move out, or there needs to be a total crackdown on the music by insisting that headphones be worn any time he listens to the music.

That's quite the drip feed to justify why your son's needs should take priority, OP.

You have three children, not one. You need to start acting like it.

Help your adult son find somewhere else to live. He was not too autistic to get a job, get a girlfriend and be on the point of moving in with said girlfriend.

Have you and your partner ever discussed how long you planned to have your adult son living with you? Because it sounds like your partner thought that time was over, he'd done his time for 15 years or however long you'd been together, and had finally got to the point where his children no longer had to share with a sibling of the opposite sex and the household was no longer being disrupted by someone who makes a mess everywhere, listens to loud music and keeps antisocial hours. And then your son decided to come back.

So what's the plan? Do you envisage him living with you permanently, or being an independent adult with his own place at some point? Because if it's the former I think you need to come clean with your husband about that and let him decide whether he wants to stay together on that basis, and if it's the latter then you need to help him live independently now, given that he's an adult and you don't have enough space for all your children (and your younger two have already been treated as less important for long enough).

@MargotBamborough

How can you guarantee that any sibling is going to be well behaved the night before their brother/sister has an important exam??

I’m sorry but I get the distinct impression that this is OP’s house or tenancy of a house and that the partner moved in when her son was young and has become progressively more and more domineering over her.

It cannot be all DP and his offspring’s way. The whole family must be accommodated.

Horrid of you to basically make out that an autistic person shouldn’t be welcome in their own home because their stimming, meltdowns, regulatory habits might upset other members.

I know let’s just institutionalise them like before, who needs an inconvenient disabled person around.

This is not a badly behaved brother. This is a vulnerable disabled man who could be at risk of harm from himself or someone else because he is not developmentally capable of looking after himself.

OP has stated he functions the same age as the SS. Why would you want to kick either of them out if on a equal level mentally.

@CrazyHedgehogLover

It isn’t just about somewhere to sleep.

He needs somewhere quiet, dark, low sensory input to decompress and regulate whenever he is overwhelmed.

The living room is not appropriate for him with people coming in and out all the time and having to get out of there the moment he opens his eyes, not allowed to rest until everyone else gone to bed, or keeping everyone awake as he’s still active down there until late on.

Yes, drip feed of the century,
What has your DP done about it? Has he corrected his son? Has anybody looked into why he's saying such things?
And you lot decide to bring yet ANOTHER child into this mess. Poor girl.

You do have a point saying that SS can go back to his mother's while your DS has nowhere else to go. But also, step-children have the right to live in any of their parents' homes.

Honestly I don't see a way out of this. Is the house rented or bought? Who owns it? What if your son ends up staying with you for quite a while?

But it can't be all the OP and her son's way either, which has been the case for a really long time.

And no, you can't guarantee that any sibling will be well behaved the night before an important exam, but I sure as shit would not want a child at such a critical stage in their education to be forced to share a bedroom with an adult step sibling who makes a mess everywhere, stays up late at night and plays loud music when he's stressed and anxious, which he is a lot apparently because he is autistic.

That is setting the 16 year old up to fail. If I were the dad I would be feeling terribly guilty about my own children having had such a raw deal for years and furious about the OP wanting everyone to bend over backwards to accommodate her favourite son just when things were finally getting on an even keel.

Your comments about wanting to institutionalise autistic people are pretty disgusting and I won't dignify those with a response.

@MargotBamborough

He shouldn’t have to share a room with his autistic brother.

Doing so would be as inappropriate as a young child having to share a room with a paraplegic, brain damaged adult sibling with hoists etc etc in the room. The disabled person needs the room set up for them, nobody should share it, because it is for their needs.

The way you are getting on the autistic DS should be sent away, packed off somewhere because he is inconvenient.

He’s part of their family and as I have been banging on and OP agreed - he has the developmental capacity of a child. He has not been able to function as an adult working and living away - he is now ill.

@altawalt - is this your house that DP moved into?

So @altawalt what you're saying is 'tough shit dss (oh and dd I'm sure at some point I'll acknowledge your existence and how affected your life has been, but first focus on your adult sibling....😒) ds needs his own room, a quiet, relaxed calm environment (despite he's the messy, loud music playing one) so sod you at 16, this isn't your home, go elsewhere MY son is priority?

Would be interested if all the 'this is YOUR HOUSE op, throw them out,.you're in charge' advocates will have same opinion if it comes back it's the dps house/tenancy!