To think DS 20 should get his old room back?

[altawalt]

My DS is 20 with mental health issues and is on the autistic spectrum. I've been with DP since he was 4.

At the end of last year he was going to move in with his girlfriend and they found a flat but unfortunately they didn't end up moving in. DS moved in with her and her family instead. He got a full time job (was previously working part time) and things were great. His gf’s mum messaged me back in may and told me he wasn't going to work and was very quiet. We met up and he told me he was struggling. He went to the GP and was put on antidepressants and he's seemed fine since.

He came home and wouldn't say why but then admitted he and his gf had an argument and he decided to come here to give them both some space. This isn't what his girlfriend is saying, she told her mum that they had an argument because she thought he was cheating and he shoved her. DS is denying this, I don't know who to believe but DP believes his girlfriend which had led to them arguing over it and has threatened to shove DS if he does it again, which I think he was wrong to say.

DS and his girlfriend have made up but have agreed for him to stay here for now. DS isn't the easiest to live with he is very messy, he plays his music loud and he struggles with sleeping so doesn't sleep until the early hours and he makes a lot of noise downstairs and makes food etc etc. DP knows this as he was like this previously but now he makes a comment about it everytime DS does it. He says he's old enough to now know better and he's been spoilt by me as I've always allowed it.
Whilst DS was gone he agreed that SS could have his room and since DS has been home he's slept on the sofa but has said he wants his room back. Which DP doesn't think he should be allowed.

An I unreasonable in thinking that DS should get his old room back and DP is being unreasonable?

I've seen some posts where people totally make things up from the op but this takes the biscuit!

Still no answer to:

1. Why can't you give you your and your partner's room and move your bed to the living room?
2. Why can't you turn the living room into a bed room or partition part of it off?

You need to create a temporary bedroom somewhere. That's something you need to do. Even if you son gets his room back you'll still have to provide a room for your step son.

A 16 year old child should move out? Wow.

This is like one of those ridiculous brain teasers.

Three bedrooms in the house
Four sleeping places are required

DD can't share with either of her half brothers
DS and DSS can't share
DS is unwilling to sleep on the sofa. DSS or DD can't sleep on the sofa and go to school/college

The only option is for OP and her partner to give up their bedroom so all three children can have their own bedroom. Get a decent sofa bed and crack on.

I know the room couldn't have stayed empty but I do think DS felt he had to stay at his girlfriends when he started struggling as there was no room for him. He was upset when he came here as he couldn't make it work but there was no where else for him to go.

The PP wasn't making things up, as I said in a previously reply that SS would touch DS’s things as he knew that wound him up. I suggested that DS and SS try sharing again, DS said he would and SS said he doesn't mind but DP said they aren't to share because SS needs to be here but DS doesn't. DS was upset and has gone out.

Making a partition in the living room isn't possible as it isn't big enough and even if it were DS needs somewhere to go when things get to much, which wouldn't be possible in the living room as people would be in and out, the TV would be on etc. DS was diagnosed with autism just after he turned 3 so DP knew from the start of our relationship.

@altawalt You still haven't explained where you think your stepson should sleep if your son gets his old room back.

You don't have room for him OP. He's going to need to find somewhere else to live.

Isn’t that just called being an adult though, staying at the place you moved to rather than going back to your family home when things get tough?

If he is choosing to come back to his family home, he has to just fit in whatever space is left for him, even if that’s the sofa. His needs don’t come above SS and DD and they should not have to move around to accommodate him.

He’s an adult who moved out, if he can’t work with the space available to him then it’s time to find a permanent solution for his living situation.

Ok, well - first, your DP is correct in that it would have been selfish of him to keep an empty room at yours while 2 teenagers of opposite sex share.

Second, if the boys are willing to share but DP says no, I think it's fairly clear that your DP has been waiting for your DS to move out and is now annoyed that this will be reversed. Up to you to decide why that is.

If the two boys were able and willing to share then that rather begs the question of why the 16 year old stepson has been sharing with his 12 year old half sister for the last decade.

Short term

a) SS moves back in with his mother where he had a bed before. DS has his old room.
b) You and DH sleep on sofa bed giving SS your room and DS goes to his old room.
c) SS shares with DH, you take the sofa and DS goes to his old room.

One of those options needs to happen because you can’t have a 20yo autistic man floating about the living room. He’ll be disastrously disruptive for all. He needs somewhere to decompress and keep all his chaos.

Long term

If log cabins in the garden, garage conversions, house move etc are all out then he needs rehoused.

Contact citizens advice and autism charities for advice on what is best. He should be claiming PIP, UC at least by now anyway in his current state. Try and get him a privately rented bedsit/1bed flat or house that is funded by HB.

It’s going to be really hard OP, the new place will be very “new” for him and he may struggle a lot with things like cooking, washing, tidying, time management etc without you there on hand to prompt him. There are strategies to help but it will all take time. I’m sure you’re well versed in his needs.

Wishing you all the best, I have so much compassion for him. If it’s any use I went to college in my early 20s and this helped me cope a lot. Might be more flexible than work for him at the moment when he’s not so well.

You need a 4 bed properly and that's the problem. Each of the children needs their own room. I don't know what the solution is though.

@SensationalSusie I think the only thing worse than making her stepson share with a 12 year old girl again after he finally got some space and privacy would be sending him away to live with a mother he presumably does not live with for a good reason!

Yes YABU

Your DS has some MH and other issues which make things harder, but honestly I think you probably have allowed him to get away with too much. There is no reason he can't be quieter or tidier.

In my family although we had our own rooms, it wasn't yours for ever. My sister and I swapped every few years. When I left for Uni...even though not permanent she got 'my' room.

So no I don't think your SS or DD should have to share....but I don't know what the answer is.

@altawalt

The PP wasn't making things up, as I said in a previously reply that SS would touch DS’s things as he knew that wound him up

This jumped out at me.

I appreciate OP's son is autistic and has poor mental health.

However, her step son is 16. When he was touching her son's stuff, he was even younger.

It needs to be appreciated that he was a child. Adult behaviour seems to be expected from her stepson because of her son's issues. That isn't fair or reasonable.

If I were OP's partner, I'd be doing everything I could to protect and prioritise my son. He appears to be the last person anyone else is considering.

Why does SS have to move back in with his mother? How about DS moves in with his father?

So sharing a room was impossible when it benefited your DS. You didn’t care at all that SS was sleeping in an unsuitable situation for the last 4 years. But now that sharing benefits your DS all of a sudden it would work?

You keep going on about SS touching your DS’s things. What kind of roommate was your DS to SS? How is SS supposed to sleep if your DS is coming and going all hours of the night? How is he going to study with your son being loud? Is SS going to be expected to stay out of his room, so your DS can have it to himself? Does he need to live in a shit tip since your DS doesn’t tidy up?

it seems you think SS doesn’t matter at all.

@SensationalSusie you do realise how controversial the organisation you linked to is, don’t you? Horrible, horrible organisation.

Him and the OP's daughter, who, to put it bluntly, was conceived when the OP and her husband were already living in a house just big enough for their needs, with an autistic brother in need of extra attention, and who didn't ask to be born.

I agree with that. It's just SS seems to be Public Enemy #1 for daring to be a child/teenager. Especially one who has come to live with his dad after living with his mum, I assume there's a story there.

OP you and your partner somehow need to move on from taking sides on this and figure out a way to make it work. It's not whether your son gets the room or your son stays on the sofa. Scope out all the "third ways" you can think of, work together not at loggerheads, and try to figure out the best way for everyone. I wonder if the two of you are struggling to communicate with each other.

No no no! My eldest son moved out and it did not work out so he came back with no job as well. We had given his bedroom to his younger brother.
My eldest son slept on the sofa until he found a house share. He has issues and possible bipolar. We supported him with getting a house share and he has now flourished. He has a job and a lovely room in a shared house with others. No way would I have pushed any other child out because he wants his room back.
Support your son in finding a house share and getting work. Independent small steps.

@HunterHearstHelmsley because DS is a disabled person whose primary carer from birth has been his mother. The SS only appeared as a permanent resident 4 years ago, and his arrival has effectively driven OP’s son out of his own home and led to him becoming mentally unwell, medicated and incapable of work.

He has a mother and home to go back to that is foc seems reasonable to utilise it in some capacity until the matter of DS home is resolved.

I agree that the stepson seems to be a little demonised here but the daughter barely gets a mention at all. It's like the only reason we know she exists is because of the bedroom conundrum. I feel sad for her that the OP apparently thought it was OK for her to share with a teenage boy for all those years because her son needed his own room.

And just as a more general point, the OP's son sounds not just difficult but unpleasant to live with. The mess, the noise, the lack of respect for other people trying to sleep at night. I can see why the OP's husband doesn't want him living there anymore and why he doesn't want him sharing a room with his son who is presumably studying for his A-levels.

No, sorry, you can't just chuck a 16 year old out of their home just because their adult stepbrother has decided he isn't ready for adult life after all and wants his bedroom back. That's horrendous. Spare a thought for the poor lad and how that would make him feel.

The truth of the matter is that the OP and her husband shouldn't have had another child, but they did, and they need to treat all of them fairly, not continually prioritise one even if he does have a disability.