To think it's perfectly fine to also blame the OW

[Kingofx]

I see so many infidelity posts on here with replies saying "don't blame the OW, blame your spouse"

I agree, the spouse is the one who broke their contract and their choices are to blame, but if the OW knew the man was married and persued the situation - even going as far as to battle for someone else's spouse- then I think they are a shit person.

I've been a member of an infidelity support group and while full of stories of weal, deceitful, pathetic excuses for husbands - the stories are also full of quite cruel OW.

People with no empathy, who will often harass the wife, refuse to accept NC and generally act with malice.

I can't picture taking someone else's wallet much less their husband. I think the OW is an adult in these situations and completely deserves contempt.

AIBU to think we give the OW too easy a ride?

I'm extremely cynical because I've been cheated on by multiple men and also found myself the unwitting OW after meeting guys through Craigslist (back when you could do such a thing). The married guys placing ads on Craigslist know exactly what they are doing.

I've never yet had a married man hit on me at work, and believe me I work with a lot of them.

Were my ex husband here, he would tell you that he never intended to have an affair, never wanted to cheat and would have lived 50 years happily married to me if that one particular person hadn't come along and pushed a very orchestrated set of very particular buttons at a very particular time.

You're right, it's the OWs fault. Not your cheating husband who couldn't keep it in his pants. The fact that someone came along and "made him". I feel sorry for you believing that. Have a great day.

I've never yet had a married man hit on me at work, and believe me I work with a lot of them.

Although I am autistic, so they possibly have and I've not detected it.

The OP didn't ask whether it's OK to be angry with OW, but whether it's OK to blame OW. These are not the same thing.

Some of these responses baffle me.

A little perspective from the other side. I have had an affair. The responsibility on being an absolute idiot and breaking my marriage vows lies fully with me. I am the one that royally mucked up, I am the one who chose to lie. I am wholly remorseful and mortified by my actions, but these were my actions, not the fault of the OM.

My husband didn't need to be wary of the OM, he needed to be wary of what I was capable of. And my husband does hold me accountable, not the OM. That was a huge part of the healing process.

Conversely. From the OMs side, his Exwife holds me completely accountable for her husbands actions. In her eyes he would never have strayed, I must have got my evil claws into him. I was one, of many, other women in his marriage, his exwife just isn't aware. While I fully accept and am remorseful for the pain I have caused her, I don't believe it is solely my responsibility. Her husband left walked out. She will still cook him meals, birthday messages etc. and yet I had to put measures in place to stop her stalking me, threatening me, she would not leave my family/work/children alone. I have not once approached her, but years later she still tries to lash out. It baffles me.

I assume they'd all be happy for their husbands to have topless lap dances every night from Margot Robbie while they put the kids to bed

I would expect my husband to get up and walk away if this started happening. Same way I'd expect him to shut down any flirting, not agree to go for dinner with them, not go round their house to "help" with DIY, and certainly not shag them if they offered it.
So obviously I wouldn't be happy with anyone giving my husband a topless lap dance. But I would ne angry at HIM for allowing it to happen not the woman doing it! If a naked man started dancing and gyrating in my face it's my responsibility to tell him to stop or me to walk away even if it's the most gorgeous man on earth.

I would one hundred percent blame my DH, I wouldn’t necessarily be fond of OW but it’s on him to stay faithful. Which isn’t that hard.

Possibly a controversial point to make but in my experience the OW is rarely a stunner...quite the opposite in fact.

Men cheat on beautiful classy women with women who are the exact opposite.

God, not this tripe again 😝 This is rarely true anywhere outside of MN, it's rolled out to make people feel better.

More than that, what a shallow view. People have affairs for hundreds of reasons and rarely it's down to what someone looks like.

Also I know my husband, he’s not a weak minded fool. If he had an affair it would be because he would want to, I would never blame anyone else for my DH’s behaviour.

I think it’s the person who is married that is to blame. But any person that shows you such lack of respect deserves shit sent their way. My husband’s friend had an affair. He left his wife for the ow. Our friend group had the joy of having to be introduced to her at a bbq. The woman in the group who had been good friends with the wife had a great time sitting together and ignoring her. I hope she felt the humiliation she deserved.

What the actual fuck??? Did you all ignore him too? Did your husband ignore his friend? Why was the humiliation hers alone?

Jesus. You lot need to grow up. Whatever the circumstances you should have all behaved better towards her if your husband intends to still be friends with the person that actually cheated on this wife . …

@ASCCM He is my husbands friend, not mine, not my choice to end their friendship. We were part of a group and went to a bbq at one of the groups house. She turned up and as none of us wanted to talk to her, so we didn’t. Literally pulled our chairs up to the table and blanked her like teenagers. I dont speak to him either, but while this woman wasn’t to blame, I don’t want anything to do with her.

This is another example on this thread how women hold women accountable for and men get away with shit behaviours.

very disappointing.

Also, if she wasn’t to blame why on earth would you be so shitty to her? Why don’t you want anything to with her? Are you afraid it’s catching? Do you think she is going to try and steal your OH?!!

Makes no sense apart from you and your friends being nasty and childish.

I would expect my husband to get up and walk away if this started happening. Same way I'd expect him to shut down any flirting, not agree to go for dinner with them, not go round their house to "help" with DIY, and certainly not shag them if they offered it.
So obviously I wouldn't be happy with anyone giving my husband a topless lap dance. But I would ne angry at HIM for allowing it to happen not the woman doing it! If a naked man started dancing and gyrating in my face it's my responsibility to tell him to stop or me to walk away even if it's the most gorgeous man on earth.

Agree with this.

It's really concerning how many posters seem to think poor little men are the most wonderful husbands until they see a pair of boobs and then they're weak, helpless, passive,and pathetic that they're stolen/knabbed/taken/lured/(insert any other verb here that suggests that their actions are caused by women) away by evil women.

It's no wonder that so many relationships threads have people saying they don't agree with opposite sex friendships, go through each others phones etc. It must be exhausting going through life thinking that your husband is the best thing since sliced bread and all the other women are looking to steal him. 🙄

I think you've missed the point entirely.

If a happy man in a good marriage can't be seduced, what's the issue with him hanging out with topless Margot Robbie?

Genuine question... where the issue? He's not doing anything is he?

If you're all completely secure that if a woman throws herself at your husband repeatedly it would have no effect, then why would you mind?

Good men can be exposed to ongoing stimuli and say no.

Poor menz who can't control their penis and resit temptation.

Poor wimminz who can't control their vaginas and own their bad choices.

It goes both ways.

I remember someone making a point which I agreed with that "having his head turned" makes it sound like the man is passive and having something done to him by the temptress woman, rather than him being responsible too. I suppose it's historical sexist language. See also "marriage wrecker."

We live in a country in which female toplessness has undeniable sexual overtones, and until that changes, being in the presence of a topless woman is already cheating. Going to a strip club is already cheating as well as being exploitative of the strippers.

Going to the works cafe with an opposite-sex colleague does not constitute cheating. What do you expect the one woman in the otherwise all-male team to do, spend her work days is isolation?

Yabu.

Firstly, lots of posts on here almost exclusively blame the OW, and there's really no anger in sight for the DH.

Second of all, women are not show ponies. We are not competing with one another for the glorious prize of male attention. So many posts about the OW on here have this logic and it is one that gives men way too much power.

Almost all the blame lies with the cheating party who is married. I've never had an affair but I think it's a self-destructive thing to do and the single party is often well punished for their wrongdoing by the fact that they were willing to put up with a scrap of another person instead of a rich and full relationship. It rarely ends well for them.

Yes exactly. The internalised misogyny of this situation baffles me.

Like poor men can't stop their penis from controlling their brain.

Women always seem responsible for what men do.

Welp, if you choose to get into a relationship with a taken person, you need to accept the consequences. The only thing you can expect from the aggrieved party, is not to be harassed or subjected to aggression. Whether they hate you or not, whether they forgive their partner, is none of your concern.

After all, they don't owe you anything.

Yes completely agree. For me it goes back to the whole, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. And not just people you know personally but anyone.

I find it baffling how some (in this case) women refuse to accept any kind of fault. It's truly amazing. And then we go straight to the misogyny wild card.

Can anybody please answer why women cannot accept some responsibility for poor behaviour?

My DH could have an affair. I could cheat on him. We're all fallible. But I would never pretend I've done nothing wrong, sitting there going on about misogyny after shagging someone's spouse

Couldn’t agree more. 👏🏻

@ASCCM She had a long term affair with a married man. She was happy to take part in what destroyed a good friend of mine for many years. She left underwear, make up, moved things around for years while her husband denied anything was going on. There is no room in my life for someone like that. So yes, I was happy to be horrible. It might not bother you, but it bothered me. I held her accountable for her actions, the same as I held him accountable.

Actions have consequences.