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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not make Christmas dinner dairy free??

1000 replies

Bellyblueboy · 17/09/2023 10:14

Very early I know! I cater Christmas dinner every year for my family. I am single and child free but I host for my parents, brother, sister and their families. My parents stay with me for a few nights. It’s a lot of work.

My nine year old nephew was diagnosed as lactose intolerant this year. So of course I will be researching this and making sure his starter, main and desert is lactose free. I even thought of putting little flags in bowls that are lactose free. I was going to order little flags with a picture of a cow crossed out! Make it fun.

my SIL has said it will be unfair if there is food on the table that he can’t eat so the whole meal has to be dairy free.

I order Black Forest gateau every year - my parents love it. Apparently no. He never eats it - I get kid friendly deserts for the four children.

I am a lazy cook - I get the whole meal from marks and Spencer! Prepared mash the lot. I am now told I can’t do this as there are milk products in the mashed and roast potatoes. It would be a huge amount of work to do everything from scratch, I don’t want that to be my Christmas Day and my cooking skills aren’t up to it.

I have said no - this is what I am doing. My brother is now annoyed that i won’t bend to his wife’s demands and have ruined Christmas. I had said he is welcome to come to my house and do the cooking, or host. Or eat at his house then come for coffee and presents. He has told on me! My mum is upset that she won’t have all her family round her at Christmas - dad was ill this year and they have been looking forward to a relaxing Christmas! Agh. It’s only September.

rant over. But honestly give it to me straight am I a selfish child hating spinster! Would you all accommodate this???

OP posts:
MrsMitford3 · 17/09/2023 11:22

YDNBU. At All. They are being ridiculous. They don't get to call the shots at your house.

DD and I both have a tree nut allergy-hers more severe and she carries an epi pen.

I would never expect people to not eat things with nuts-I always just say "tell us what to avoid"

it happens a lot with puddings etc because of the almonds but how outrageous would it be for me to expect everyone else to not have something they love because I can't? Especially if an alternative option is offered!!!

D1nopawus · 17/09/2023 11:22

Your little flag system is ableist and shows how little empathy you have for your nephew and your bil/sil.

Blimey I must be a complete ableist cow then as a often label buffet foods so that my various veggie / vegan / nut allergy / shellfish allergy and lactose intolerant guests can make their own choices.

crumblingschools · 17/09/2023 11:23

Is there a reason they don't go to the SILs family for Christmas some years?

Be careful with gravy (that can have dairy products in sometimes)

CheshireCat1 · 17/09/2023 11:23

I think your SIL is being totally awkward, their house isn’t dairy free, so why should yours be. You’re preparing the food the exact same way as they do in their house, dairy for them, non dairy for him.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 17/09/2023 11:23

BicOrange · Today 11:11

Yabu.
I host Christmas Day every year. My nephew has a gluten allergy so I make sure everything available is gluten free It's easier for everyone, and makes the meal a much more relaxing event than worrying about anyone feeling left out or about the risks of cross contamination or him eating something by mistake.
It's just one day, your parents can have their black forest gateaux on Christmas Eve or boxing day.
Your little flag system is ableist and shows how little empathy you have for your nephew and your bil/sil.

Your little flag system is delightful! Your DN will love it! I do this with a cheeseboard as I always try to find new and unusual cheeses as well as the standard ones - even the adults enjoy the flags. Well done you OP for hosting your ungrateful cheapskate brother & SIL.

Gwendimarco · 17/09/2023 11:24

Vitamindquestion · 17/09/2023 10:39

She said both are basted in butter so she’d make a separate chicken breast for him.

TBH, I missed this bit when I first commented and I actually think getting the main bit - turkey - and the sides - potatoes - full of dairy and giving him small, sad individual dishes is a bit unfair. I say this as someone with coeliac disease. I don’t expect everything to be gf, obviously. But it’s not a nice feeling when I get some sad alternative to what other people are eating. I am grateful for the effort, but definitely feel left out.

Why not do as poster above thought you were doing? One turkey crown basted in butter, one in something else?

Agree with this poster.
Surely there is compromise to be had? Preparing everything separately for your DN sounds like more work, not less, tbh.

Baste one of the turkeys in something different?

Make your own mash, setting some aside for him before adding the cream and milk?

By all means have the gateaux for your parents too.

Mirabai · 17/09/2023 11:24

I think the bigger question is why you take on this burden every year for 3 days and don’t seem to be able to stand up ro your family.

Why not say you’re limiting your hospitality to 1 day this year. Then they can find alternative entertainment on Boxing Day and the 27th.

Then you can do lactose free if you really want (I know you don’t) with less pressure.

cakewench · 17/09/2023 11:25

OP, unfortunately you've got loads of people who haven't actually read your posts.

You were clear to your SIL that you would have dairy-free options of the foods your nephew eats and she wasn't happy with that, she doesn't even want him to be able to see any foods which he might not be able to eat. And that is unreasonable.

The fact that your parents have gone immediately to flailing about there not being ALL of the family there, supposedly because of you (it wouldn't be because of you, it would be because your brother and SIL have made an unreasonable decision), instead of suggesting to them that they should meet you halfway, tells me a lot about the dynamic here.

peonies23 · 17/09/2023 11:25

Christ this kid is 9. Old enough to understand the situation.

He needs to learn to check what has dairy and not ie know there are things he can't have - despite you making him (very kindly ) a dairy free meal.

Your brother should host if he won't accept it.

You should not concede on any of it in my opinion.especially the turkey! No idea why posters are hell bent on telling you to buy it all dairy free ! Maybe if more than one person was dairy free or someone in your household (I know you said you live alone) it would reasonable but your brother is being a prick. Given that you've said he drinks loads and brings nothing suggests a level of entitlement.

Offering a bespoke meal is more than enough. You could have asked them to bring his food

Incidentally if it was my child I'd offer to bring their food and wouldn't even expect a bespoke offering.

Can I come? I will eat all of it 😃

TheGoogleMum · 17/09/2023 11:26

Yanbu at all. Especially about the black forest Gateaux that he wouldn't normally eat anyway!
You can get vegan ice cream he'd probably love that?

iamwhatiam23 · 17/09/2023 11:27

BicOrange · 17/09/2023 11:11

Yabu.
I host Christmas Day every year. My nephew has a gluten allergy so I make sure everything available is gluten free It's easier for everyone, and makes the meal a much more relaxing event than worrying about anyone feeling left out or about the risks of cross contamination or him eating something by mistake.
It's just one day, your parents can have their black forest gateaux on Christmas Eve or boxing day.
Your little flag system is ableist and shows how little empathy you have for your nephew and your bil/sil.

Absolute bollocks

DomPom47 · 17/09/2023 11:27

I think you have been extremely generous all these years hosting for everyone - regardless of whether you enjoy it or not extremely generous.
If your brother and SIL care so much about what their son is eating they should have the grace to offer to cook or bring food that he can eat so that they are not adding to your workload of sorting out Christmas yet again - especially if they are also there for Boxing Day too.
They are extremely cheeky and honestly if I were you I would cook what you usually cook with a few alternatives for nephew and if they’re not happy either they cook for everyone or bring there own food for their son.
I know it is difficult but please do not feel guilty no body has the right to make you feel uncomfortable after all the hosting you have done over the years.

Bellyblueboy · 17/09/2023 11:27

Bellyblueboy · 17/09/2023 11:15

I am not sure you have read any of my posts, including the first one????

Sorry that was for @Brackenfield

I am finding this thread quite stressful and I see that while a lot of people think I am reasonable some parents do think the whole meal should be dairy free.

I am going to give it some thought. I know may parents won’t like the dairy free options - they are creatures of habit.

I think I will post this on the family WhatsApp.

i know Adam has some special dietary requirements this year. I will of course cater to these and ensure Adam has a tasty Christmas dinner, treats and deserts that are dairy free. There will be dairy free options of everything (including chocolates, sweets and drinks) but there will also be dairy options. I will be very careful that Adam is included and has plenty of tasty food and treats.

I understand Amy and Peter has requested a dairy free house for the full day for everyone. I am afraid I can’t accommodate this - there will be some dairy in the food for the rest of the family.

So as I have said I understand if Amy and Peter would rather cater the day at their house (I wouldn’t say no to a year off!), or eat as a family separately then come to my house for presents.

OP posts:
PoppyPopPop · 17/09/2023 11:28

D1nopawus · 17/09/2023 11:22

Your little flag system is ableist and shows how little empathy you have for your nephew and your bil/sil.

Blimey I must be a complete ableist cow then as a often label buffet foods so that my various veggie / vegan / nut allergy / shellfish allergy and lactose intolerant guests can make their own choices.

Me too! Or at least I love an ableist system. Who'd have thought all those restaurants that also label their food are being ableist rather than just adding an extra level of security for allergy sufferers....

Datafan55 · 17/09/2023 11:28

I think you sound lovely for hosting the extended family every Christmas for different meals! No quibbles with your existing plan for him (PP re 'ableist'? please). And they are cheeky buggers to turn up empty handed and then to demand you do what they don't at home....

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 17/09/2023 11:28

OP, unfortunately you've got loads of people who haven't actually read your posts.

It's a constant bugbear of MN.

Why join a discussion if you only want to shout your own opinion (on what the discussion isn't actually about), without ever paying any heed to what other people contribute - especially the OP?

eurochick · 17/09/2023 11:28

Christmas dinner is one of the easiest meals to make dairy free so I can sort of see her point. Ready made stuff is always full of dairy as it is a cheap filler. But you are catering for him so if someone was cooking for me, I wouldn't kick up a fuss.

Dfdfdfdfdf · 17/09/2023 11:29

DF and SIL are mad and spoiling their nephew. He can’t have lactose, now he gets used to it. They should be leading by example. Are they usually ridiculously indulgent?

my child is also by necessity DF.

BUT I would be delighted by your gracious offer to host and to provide DF food for my child.

Naunet · 17/09/2023 11:29

madamreign · 17/09/2023 10:19

I would.

Tonnes of dairy free options now.

Christmas dinner is about family, togetherness and sharing.

Adults can cope for one meal for the sake of that.

Well apparently not because the boys parents didn’t take up the offer to cook themselves, did they? So for them it’s not it’s not all about family, it’s about forcing others to do what they want.

ihadamarveloustime · 17/09/2023 11:30

Sounds like it's time for your brother and his wife to host and do all the work involved.

Bow out. Tell them you look forward to being a guest for once and enjoying their food.

peonies23 · 17/09/2023 11:30

ihadamarveloustime · 17/09/2023 11:30

Sounds like it's time for your brother and his wife to host and do all the work involved.

Bow out. Tell them you look forward to being a guest for once and enjoying their food.

Yes good move. Cancel hosting due to this. They will be reeling !

tara66 · 17/09/2023 11:30

OP - I would just take to my bed on Xmas Eve.

ilovesooty · 17/09/2023 11:30

CherryMaDeara · 17/09/2023 10:58

It’s only September, it’s not too late to change the goalposts!

You have lots of options.

It sounds like you don’t even want to host and I don’t blame you.

you could all go out for a meal.

You could all squeeze into someone else’s house.

You could have just your parents.

Or tell them to arrange their own dinner and book yourself a holiday abroad.

Gwendimarco · 17/09/2023 11:31

Bellyblueboy · 17/09/2023 11:27

Sorry that was for @Brackenfield

I am finding this thread quite stressful and I see that while a lot of people think I am reasonable some parents do think the whole meal should be dairy free.

I am going to give it some thought. I know may parents won’t like the dairy free options - they are creatures of habit.

I think I will post this on the family WhatsApp.

i know Adam has some special dietary requirements this year. I will of course cater to these and ensure Adam has a tasty Christmas dinner, treats and deserts that are dairy free. There will be dairy free options of everything (including chocolates, sweets and drinks) but there will also be dairy options. I will be very careful that Adam is included and has plenty of tasty food and treats.

I understand Amy and Peter has requested a dairy free house for the full day for everyone. I am afraid I can’t accommodate this - there will be some dairy in the food for the rest of the family.

So as I have said I understand if Amy and Peter would rather cater the day at their house (I wouldn’t say no to a year off!), or eat as a family separately then come to my house for presents.

Quite honestly I think this message will fan the flames OP.

It’s September. Just leave it and say no more about it until at least November.

Give everyone a chance to calm down and have a quiet think about it and realise that it’s not worth falling out and spoiling Christmas over.

Dfdfdfdfdf · 17/09/2023 11:31

@BicOrange this has to be a windup

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