To not make Christmas dinner dairy free??

[Bellyblueboy]

Very early I know! I cater Christmas dinner every year for my family. I am single and child free but I host for my parents, brother, sister and their families. My parents stay with me for a few nights. It’s a lot of work.

My nine year old nephew was diagnosed as lactose intolerant this year. So of course I will be researching this and making sure his starter, main and desert is lactose free. I even thought of putting little flags in bowls that are lactose free. I was going to order little flags with a picture of a cow crossed out! Make it fun.

my SIL has said it will be unfair if there is food on the table that he can’t eat so the whole meal has to be dairy free.

I order Black Forest gateau every year - my parents love it. Apparently no. He never eats it - I get kid friendly deserts for the four children.

I am a lazy cook - I get the whole meal from marks and Spencer! Prepared mash the lot. I am now told I can’t do this as there are milk products in the mashed and roast potatoes. It would be a huge amount of work to do everything from scratch, I don’t want that to be my Christmas Day and my cooking skills aren’t up to it.

I have said no - this is what I am doing. My brother is now annoyed that i won’t bend to his wife’s demands and have ruined Christmas. I had said he is welcome to come to my house and do the cooking, or host. Or eat at his house then come for coffee and presents. He has told on me! My mum is upset that she won’t have all her family round her at Christmas - dad was ill this year and they have been looking forward to a relaxing Christmas! Agh. It’s only September.

rant over. But honestly give it to me straight am I a selfish child hating spinster! Would you all accommodate this???

he has special school meals and my sister and brother in law still eat dairy - it isn’t banned in his house. If he goes to restaurants his bothers have dairy options he has the special meals. So he is used to having different things.

Then your sister and BIL are total hypocrites. How on earth do they justify demanding that you do what they won't do themselves?

LACTOSE FREE IS NOT THE SAME AS DAIRY FREE!!

There's no need for lactose to come unto a roast dinner (and if you must have mash?! Then just sub, it wouldn't taste any different). Milk is milk. The issue is you're buying all pre-prepared stuff, if you were cooking a normal Christmas dinner it'd be a non issue. That being sad, they should offer to bring their own. Do they not offer to bring a pud? Loads to easily make LF.

So much of a Christmas dinner is lactose free. The turkey, the sausages, the veggies etc. So why not suggest to your brother that they bring mash/roasties if you think the m&s version has milk (check maybe if they have a milk free version surely for roasties?).
On the dessert, again explain that there will be one dessert he can't eat but why don't they bring a dairy free black forest gateaux if that's what their son wants or an alternative dessert that everyone will eat? Many cakes don't have milk !
That way you're not doing everything and they bring the bits that they are bothered about

I am going to give it some thought. I know may parents won’t like the dairy free options - they are creatures of habit.

So it's your fault if you DO have all food dairy-free; and it's also your fault if you DON'T have all food dairy-free? Their gratitude for you hosting every year really does soak right on through, doesn't it?!

I think your WhatsApp message is perfect.

I have a child with a dairy allergy and your ILs are BVU. I would never expect anyone cooking for us to make everything dairy free. As long as they had a decent amount of DF options, I would be happy. And I’d also be happy to bring my own food from home if the hosts were finding preparing DF food difficult.

9 is more than old enough to understand he can’t have all the same things as his siblings. My DC is 2 and already starting to understand he can’t have certain things.

You are already being more than accommodating. They are taking the piss.

I agree with this. He needs to have suitable options to eat but that shouldn’t dictate what others can eat. You e offered to provide diary free options and they should also feel free to bring some additional things they think he’d like. That’s really how everyone I know ma
ages allergies at birthday parties, family events etc.

Your SIL is being very unreasonable as is your DB.

Time to book that Christmas cruise you’ve always wanted, OP!

Please continue to do this. It's a great idea that means it's much easier to identify "safe" foods

I think making the accommodations you have suggested are entirely reasonable op and your sil is being ridiculous asking for the entire household to be dairy free. She can do that in her own home and host or she can come to yours and suck it up.

I've got a very lactose intolerant child.Your SIL is being ridiculous.

First thing: it's not an allergy. They get an upset tummy from non absorbable disaccharide sugars.

Second thing: most East Asian people are lactose free, and can usually tolerate a tiny bit eg cream on cake, but not icecream. Because it is so common in East Asians you will find large supermarkets sell lactose free dairy products.

Third thing: Buy lactose free milk to use for the day. I only buy this and use it in all my cooking it works just the same, and is perfectly fine for everyone else. I also buy lactose free vqnilla ice-cream for everyone.
Some traditionally made cheeses eg camembert are OK. Pot set yoghurt is OK, there is tons of info available.

Yes.... And you say they don't host because their place is too small? - well, it would be up to them to arrange how they do then host if they have to (ie hire a room or take everyone out) ... And whether they do host or not, might remind them how much work hosting is.

Omg - they can bring some home made mash and roasties for him - how bloody inconsiderate of them to assume you’ll change everything. do they realise how much work Xmas hosting is!!!

as for the cake - he doesn’t like it anyway. Maybe suggest your serve kids desserts first so he’s got his dishes up before you bring Black Forest out. But that’s only if you want be nice to them…

I'd just get whatever Turkey it is you need but a dairy free one? Otherwise you'll have far too much turkey and it's the rubbish part no one eats anyway

First 'you have ruined Christmas' accusation of the year. Your plan seems absolutely fine to me.

I would just pull out of hosting to be honest. Why are you having to do this every single year, and there's a Boxing Day meal too I see? You're single so it's not like you even have anyone living with you who could help.
It's a massive amount of work and making everything dairy free is just too much to expect. DN will have to get used to not being able to eat everything on offer at parties, buffets, restaurants. It is hard of course, but your plans sounded good and it isn't enough for SIL. So she needs to host the meal to ensure everything is dairy free.

I agree that it's very silly indeed calling it ableist when somebody makes it clear where the appropriate provision is available for you. Is it 'ableist' when public buildings have a sign next to the steps with a wheelchair symbol and arrow on them, directing to a ramp around the corner? Would it be more helpful to leave disabled people to unnecessarily guess/worry that they will be excluded?

This is the absolute opposite of what ableism really means.

It’s partly that doing the whole meal dairy free will be a lot less hassle for you.

I think what they’re asking is unreasonable but at the same it would be so much easier for you if everyone eats the same meal.

There’s no need to have butter basted Turkey and the only bit of the main course that has dairy is bread sauce. You could easily buy packet bread sauce and make it with almond/oat/rice milk. Plus I bet that if you placate then this year, and they do a Christmas meal without cream and milk chocolate etc they will never demand it again.

So it’s win win.

We are also a mash with roast household. Much to my mothers annoyance, but I love mash too, but not as much as my son. He would be gutted if his roast didn’t include mash and Yorkshire puds

OP, let's put the whole dairy-free thing aside for a minute.
Why on earth do you host Christmas every single year for the whole family?!
You've said that you have more space for everyone in your house than your brother. (And presumably more space than your parents and sister, too?) But that's still not enough justification that you would host them all, including planning, buying and preparing all the food, every single year.
Please tell me they do at least contribute financially towards the cost of all this food?!

Demanding that you make the entire Christmas completely dairy-free is very unreasonable indeed. Perhaps you should ask them if their entire household is completely dairy-free all the time? Do your brother and his wife have cow's milk in tea/coffee and on cereal for example?
Why shouldn't the rest of the family be able to have some of their favourites (with dairy) if your nephew has plenty of food that he can eat and enjoys?

My children were both dairy-free for a while (they had cow's milk protein allergies, luckily outgrown now) and I would never have demanded this. I was grateful if the host consulted me about the meal plan and offered to substitute diary products for non-dairy. We usually offered to take some dairy-free things as a contribution.

Get them to cook, it's way past being their turn. At some later date feed your nephew chicken basted with streaky bacon and roasted over herbs, onion and white wine. Make gravy from the meat juice, mash some potatoes with mayonnaise.

If you're less hard-hearted than me, tell them to bring a d-f vegetable, a d-f starter, and a d-f dessert.

Do NOT get suckered into cooking two different variants of anything - not fair to you, and genuinely introducing potential confusion.

And be wary of sausages, there's casein in a lot of them - but supermarkets do label for allergens.

As this is a family member I think making good reasonable adjustments is worth it. It is his Christmas too. I would not like to send the message to my nephew that his (mild) needs are too much and create too much work or that it makes you a saviour for making some minor adjustments.

Is he lactose intolerant or allergic? Is he allergic to caseinates? The answers have a lot of bearing.

Caseins are found in sausages and other products that you would think are milk free.

His parents have likely witnessed the pain and suffering that ingesting food causes him and wish to prevent that for him. At 9 his ability to use executive function and choose wisely is far from developed and putting temptation in his way may result in him being ill.

That said, hosts cater to guests. A shared family meal means exactly that.

Your nephew is family and his needs are going to be present next Christmas and every other one.

I would research and trial alternatives, involve the whole family. You clearly have been stuck in a single experience for a very long time, why not embrace the challenge and change.

When end of November comes round and the topic rears its head again say something like:

”What matters most to me is that everyone can enjoy their meal and we don’t fall out over this. That includes me not getting stressed out, because I am finding this situation quite stressful. I am going to make sure that the majority of the food is suitable for A, including list all dairy free stuff and that there will be some of everyone else’s favourites there too. For A, I will provide XYZ. I am really trying my best here for everyone and hope you can be okay with this even though it’s not how you would have cooked it yourselves.”

This is absolutely unreasonable for an intolerance especially when you say he does actually eat dairy sometimes. This is not an allergy which is entirely different & can be lethal within minutes of exposure. This is dicky tummy a little while after eating. Cross-contamination won't be an issue.

I do sympathise, it must be a pita (possibly literally) for him but to expect an entire Christmas meal to be adjusted rather than just his (which of course you should do) is wild & entitled.

I say all this as a chef who goes to extreme lengths to accommodate allergies

This ableist comment has surprised me. A fool intolerance is not a disability. I am
not intolerant of disabled people at all. My nephew is not disabled. Dairy gives him a sore tummy and very smelly farts.

at work we have a lot of catered events. Those with dairy, gluten issues have flags in their food to indicate what they can eat. I thought it was a good idea - and to be honest my nephew will have to learn to manage this as an adult.

I have never seen a colleague with an allergy or intolerance get annoyed by the flags - they seem to really appreciate it.

So are they going to demand the host's child has a lactose free cake every time he gets invited to a birthday party? No of course not.

In their own home, when they are catering is the place to ensure he can safely choose anything he wishes.

I speak as the mum of a coeliac child, they would do well to remove this level of drama from his diagnosis and take a more practical attitude - starting with a big thank you for all the efforts you have made to include him.