To not make Christmas dinner dairy free??

[Bellyblueboy]

Very early I know! I cater Christmas dinner every year for my family. I am single and child free but I host for my parents, brother, sister and their families. My parents stay with me for a few nights. It’s a lot of work.

My nine year old nephew was diagnosed as lactose intolerant this year. So of course I will be researching this and making sure his starter, main and desert is lactose free. I even thought of putting little flags in bowls that are lactose free. I was going to order little flags with a picture of a cow crossed out! Make it fun.

my SIL has said it will be unfair if there is food on the table that he can’t eat so the whole meal has to be dairy free.

I order Black Forest gateau every year - my parents love it. Apparently no. He never eats it - I get kid friendly deserts for the four children.

I am a lazy cook - I get the whole meal from marks and Spencer! Prepared mash the lot. I am now told I can’t do this as there are milk products in the mashed and roast potatoes. It would be a huge amount of work to do everything from scratch, I don’t want that to be my Christmas Day and my cooking skills aren’t up to it.

I have said no - this is what I am doing. My brother is now annoyed that i won’t bend to his wife’s demands and have ruined Christmas. I had said he is welcome to come to my house and do the cooking, or host. Or eat at his house then come for coffee and presents. He has told on me! My mum is upset that she won’t have all her family round her at Christmas - dad was ill this year and they have been looking forward to a relaxing Christmas! Agh. It’s only September.

rant over. But honestly give it to me straight am I a selfish child hating spinster! Would you all accommodate this???

It sounds like your family have been taking the piss for a number of years. All the hosting, all the shopping, all the ££.

maybe it’s time for a reset?

I think you are both being unreasonable.

As the parent of a now grown-up child with a dairy allergy, if we were going for Christmas dinner at the house of someone who bought shove-it-in-the-oven food, and they had made the decision not to buy any of the many dairy free versions available but instead to deliberately opt for more expensive versions containing dairy, I would see that as somewhat spiteful and as if they were trying to make a point.

A roast dinner is just about the easiest meal to make dairy free and about the only meal that didn't make my child didn't feel set apart.

Some things can't be substituted though - like the black forest gateau, but doesn't that have alcohol in it? Easy to say it's only for grown ups in that case.

In your Sister's and BIL's position I would offer to host. However I have never needed to host for this reason as my family have always made sure my allergic child feels included.

You sound very generous and kind and have thought about giving other dietary options. Personally I would provide some vegan mash from (ASDA) and let them know if any other meals options are required they can organise them themselves.
It sounds to me like you invariably do almost the donkey work for Christmas day and everybody had enjoyed it for years and now they are being very spiteful nows things have changed a little.
It would be a case of 'muck in and help' or sorry Christmas can be hosted elsewhere this year if I was in your situation.

Op you sound overwhelmed, why dont you write a list of everything you do and see if there are alternatives? You have three months to see if there’s a mash that’s dairy free or find a recipe for one. Mash actually freezes and when I make too much I put it in the freezer for another day so you could make a mash with a non dairy milk at the start of December and get it out of the freezer the night before.

the bigger problem than the food prep is the entitled attitudes of your relatives and given how entitled and grabby they sound you would be justified in saying this is too much work for you. I used to host for the in-laws not because I wanted to but because I had the bigger house. But I got stupid food demands from them too and ended up really resenting it. Don’t be like me!

I have a lactose free relative. Most prepackaged vegetable options these days are vegan!

I think your SIL is unreasonable. Her DS' allergy doesn't get to dictate what other people eat, and he needs to learn to manage his diet himself. Better to do this at the family dinner table.

If you can be bothered - and I can understand you probably don't - but I have made Mary Berry's chocolate roulade in the past and added frozen black cherries & vegan cream to make a Black Forest version.

Op in that case, I think you’re fine! Very generous in fact.

I still think your SIL is being unreasonable expecting everything. That’s madness. But you’ve made sure he can eat the turkey and potatoes and that’s the best bit.

If that isn’t enough to keep them happy then sod them.

I've got an 8 year old with a dairy allergy who has EpiPens as it can trigger anaphylaxis. I'd be delighted with the thought you've put in (and he'd love dishes with dairy free labels!!!). He misses out regularly. Sometimes it gets to him but he has had to realise that it is just how it is and has been putting up with it since he was tiny. Looking at what you're doing, it would be a situation where he certainly wouldn't feel like that.

People like you make life as an allergy parent so much easier and would put a smile on my allergy kid's face.

This is so bizarre. Lacto free milk and cheese and cream are easily available and not vegan if that's what you're concerned about. Just sub butter for original Flora etc. It's not hard. How horrible to not even want to make simple changes at Christmas of all times.

If it is lactose intolerance and not CMPI, then this is a completely manufactured crisis borne of your brother and SIL’s poor understanding.

Butter is extremely low in lactose. As is hard cheese. It’s not a situation where a trace is going to kill him or even make him have any symptoms. As others have suggested he could even take lactase and enjoy whatever he wanted.

the turkey, you can just cut the meat from inside. Mash potato, get the vegan one just for him, Black Forest he can’t have the cream on top, just scrape it off, he can still have the cake bit.

I don’t think so - they have only suspected lactose intolerance for about six months. It doesn’t have a big impact on him - but enough for the doctor to suggest cutting it out. He does eat dairy occasionally - but it gives him an upset stomach. I am not an expert but cross contamination doesn’t seem to be a big worry for them as there is lots of dairy in their house and fridge. He has sore are cheese for example and his own soy milk. I suspect he eats more dairy than his parents realise - but I will never tell!!!!!!

I don’t order him dairy though and do respect his parents wishes. I research restaurants and only take them places with options he will want to eat.

Yanbu. They sound like brats and sadly their ds will probably grow up to be the same.

Offer these options

1. people come to yours and accept and are grateful for the food you buy, your time and appreciate it and you prepare lactose free for him only
2. the above and they provide the food for him
3. they host and provide a meal for everyone and do what they want and you can go if you like
4. go out for lunch and have them all back for snacks

are they seriously saying that you can’t have a cup of tea or a biscuit at your own house if they are there for the rest of your lives ?

I wouldn't. I would be disappointed with a dairy free Christmas dinner

Brackenfield · Today 11:05

This is so bizarre. Lacto free milk and cheese and cream are easily available and not vegan if that's what you're concerned about. Just sub butter for original Flora etc. It's not hard. How horrible to not even want to make simple changes at Christmas of all times.

Read the thread before you comment!!!!!

I am dairy and gluten free. Have been dairy free for the whole 15 years me and DH have been together. MIL still doesn't provide anything I can eat when we go over for Christmas. I bring my own!

However, chocolate wise asda & co op do dairy free chocolate coins, the white chocolate buttons are lovely (in all supermarkets). Moofree & nomo do a whole christmas range, I personally prefer nomo chocolate (especially the little cookie dough reindeer!) Asda do mini caterpillar cakes that are dairy free and are AMAZING! Sainsburys chocolate chip cookies are the best ones, my dds eat normal chocolate and still prefer these! Galaxy does a vegan hot chocolate that tastes lovely. There's so many lovely vegan ice creams available now, I really like the oatly ones or lidl did a peanut butter one. Or the Swedish glace is nice, once you've chucked some sauce, sprinkles on it they are all the same!! M&S do some vegan truffles that are lovely. But on the whole I havent been impressed with M&S (they're vegan chocolate was disgusting!). But we do love the Xmas percy pigs. Last year tesco did the most amazing free from brownies with glitter dusting and nuts on top, was their finest range. Sainsburys free from round iced Christmas cake is the best one, the others were gross! (As you can tell I have a really sweet tooth!)

Another idea is making a rocky road, we do this every year, very easy to do free from. Brownies and flapjack are easy to make too and can be done dairy free easily. (I don't know about vegan ready made alternatives as I'm gluten free I tend to make these as its cheaper/tastier!)

I saw you were thinking of doing mini pizzas, I usually make my own using rolls and sheese vegan mozzerela cheese but you can get pizza bases too. Could be a fun activity for the kids? Otherwise I havent seen vegan mini pizzas. Tbh pizza is one thing I havent really found a decent one except eating out. Sainsburys was the best frozen/fresh one.

Milk wise I don't know what he drinks, but my favourite is oat milk. Oatly does a chocolate flavoured one too.

If you need any other recommendations I have trial tested so much food over the years trying to find decent alternatives 🤣 I'm currently on the hunt for a dairy free, gluten free panettone but haven't found one yet 😭

Oh and just be aware of crisps, some have milk added in the flavourings. Its in all sorts of stuff so check everything!! Chicken flavoured stuff in particular tends to have milk in it.

That meal wasn't vegan either, it was incorrectly labelled as being vegan.

If you are so severely allergic to milk that a 'may contain' warning is something you'd avoid though then yes, not all vegan food is going to be suitable for you.

But in this case it should never have been labelled as vegan - presumably it was a brioche bun?

So are your brother and sister in law now eating dairy free at all times. The request is unreasonable anyway, it’s perfectly fine to just cater dairy free for your nephew. However it’s even more unreasonable if they are telling you this meal needs to be totally dairy free if that’s not what they are doing at home.

What a load of bollox, my DD is dairy intolerant and has a number of allergies, I’ve never expected anyone to change their main meal to cater for her. I bring something along just in case there isn’t anything for her, she’s 6 and fully understands she sometimes has to have her own food because she can’t eat what everyone else is eating. Shit, it’s her birthday party today and she knows that all her friends will be tucking into pizza but she can’t have any, she’s happy with the other alternatives on offer.

As others have said, you can easily make/buy a lot of dairy free things if you read the labels. The whole thing doesn’t have to be dairy free and I think it’s fine to just have lots of dairy free dishes (especially the main ones) or make him his own dinner. If you don’t eat dairy/gluten etc. then unfortunately you will constantly be faced with food you can’t eat, a nine year old should have had experience of this already.

However, you are being unreasonable to not want to make any changes or to suggest that family eats at home and then comes for coffee. Either prep the dishes in advance so you know they’re dairy free or just buy dairy free food (even just for the child). Yes, Christmas dinner is more stressful than it should be but you are being unaccommodating for no reason

They’re being massively unreasonable. I know it’s annoying for your nephew but unfortunately he’s just going to have to get used to not being able to eat everything and having alternatives instead. And you’re still prepared to cater for him so they’re being ridiculous.
I’m sure everyone else doesn’t want it all dairy free.
If they want it that way, that can buy and prepare it all. Leave it at that and don’t entertain the idea of cooking it all from scratch yourself.

This is so bizarre. Lacto free milk and cheese and cream are easily available and not vegan if that's what you're concerned about. Just sub butter for original Flora etc. It's not hard. How horrible to not even want to make simple changes at Christmas of all times.

Have you read the thread?

OP is fully catering for the nephew, with equivalent foods.

Many people like standard dairy-based food - this is why millions of tons of it are sold each year. Why is OP 'horrible' for not wanting to make unnecessary changes and in so doing provide herself and others with less pleasurable food, for no reason whatsoever? Would you give up driving or reading if you had a blind person staying with you?

Your SIL needs to learn that she has to bend to fit the world not make the world bend to fit her son.

Yabu.
I host Christmas Day every year. My nephew has a gluten allergy so I make sure everything available is gluten free It's easier for everyone, and makes the meal a much more relaxing event than worrying about anyone feeling left out or about the risks of cross contamination or him eating something by mistake.
It's just one day, your parents can have their black forest gateaux on Christmas Eve or boxing day.
Your little flag system is ableist and shows how little empathy you have for your nephew and your bil/sil.

I agree that many people aren't reading the thread properly, or even the OP's opening post!

And get the Black Forest Gateau. And some dairy free ice cream.