To not make Christmas dinner dairy free??

[Bellyblueboy]

Very early I know! I cater Christmas dinner every year for my family. I am single and child free but I host for my parents, brother, sister and their families. My parents stay with me for a few nights. It’s a lot of work.

My nine year old nephew was diagnosed as lactose intolerant this year. So of course I will be researching this and making sure his starter, main and desert is lactose free. I even thought of putting little flags in bowls that are lactose free. I was going to order little flags with a picture of a cow crossed out! Make it fun.

my SIL has said it will be unfair if there is food on the table that he can’t eat so the whole meal has to be dairy free.

I order Black Forest gateau every year - my parents love it. Apparently no. He never eats it - I get kid friendly deserts for the four children.

I am a lazy cook - I get the whole meal from marks and Spencer! Prepared mash the lot. I am now told I can’t do this as there are milk products in the mashed and roast potatoes. It would be a huge amount of work to do everything from scratch, I don’t want that to be my Christmas Day and my cooking skills aren’t up to it.

I have said no - this is what I am doing. My brother is now annoyed that i won’t bend to his wife’s demands and have ruined Christmas. I had said he is welcome to come to my house and do the cooking, or host. Or eat at his house then come for coffee and presents. He has told on me! My mum is upset that she won’t have all her family round her at Christmas - dad was ill this year and they have been looking forward to a relaxing Christmas! Agh. It’s only September.

rant over. But honestly give it to me straight am I a selfish child hating spinster! Would you all accommodate this???

But you sound lovely and i would also like to be considered for an invite 😄

While you appear to love your nephews and nieces (not sure if I saw mention of niece but I'll throw it into the mix), this is what I would do at this point.

I would also send one further and final message on WhatsApp:

"Hi Everyone,
As it's only September, I was trying to be proactive and work out what was supposed to be a lovely family Christmas but boy oh boy, you are not making this easy. Accommodations will be made to the menu for Adam. However, if this is causing anyone issues, they are free to back out now.
I will not be discussing the Christmas day menu any further and Brother & SiL, after the shenanigans I will not be accepting adjustments to the menu. As of today, the menu for Christmas day is now decided and set. You can take it or leave it.
If you decide to come for dinner on Christmas day, you will do so graciously and without further argument. I cater for Christmas day without anyone else in the family putting their hand into their pockets, and have done so up to now without asking for anything more than for my family to come and enjoy themselves however I'm feeling my efforts have been very unappreciated and think this may be the last time I'm going to even consider doing Christmas day for everyone.
Other family members are quite welcome to take on the organising and catering and hosting responsibilities if it is felt that my efforts are not up to their exacting requirements"

No gingerbread this year. Not that they even eat it! They just throw icing and sweets at it!!

usually they will have got electronics for Christmas so we hook it up and have a go. It was VR last year!

i dont want to be that childless auntie who has a boring house so I have loads of garden toys etc - garden full of footballs and rackets and bubble Wands. Winter is harder - but they seem to have a good time here. The day is coming when they won’t! But that’s okay too.

It's not just massively hard work hosting Christmas, especially for multiple days - it's hugely expensive!

As someone who has in laws staying for 5 days over the period, plus hosting my side of the family for 2 of those, AND being gluten free myself, I absolutely understand what you're saying.

Of course you need to make sure the child have a lactose free xmas lunch and pudding (all readily available in supermarkets except for mash, yorkie puds and custard {if used}). Anything outside of that you need to tell them to bring themselves. You shouldn't have to be buying lactose free cakes/chocolates etc, that is THEIR job!

It's absolute batshittery to expect everyone to have a lactose free meal because he needs one. I would NEVER make my guests eat gluten free just because I can't have it. It's really entitled behaviour.

Stick to your guns, OP. It's not up to you to facilitate or fund other people's needs to the extent they're demanding. If they don't like it, they don't have to come and that will NOT be your fault. If your Mum starts guilting you again tell her SHE can put her hand in her pocket for extra food and cook it too!

It's so rude!!

Yanbu. Also well done for knowing exactly how generous your Christmas hosting is and calling brother's bluff that they won't want to miss out.

Nephew is being well catered for so you are definitely doing the right thing.

I really cannot believe the entitled people on this thread!
OP you sound amazing. Stick to your guns on this one.

God I am so happy I’ve just had my husband and DD for the last three Christmas’s. Family can be stressful

Same here (well DS but...).

I am currently looking at local pubs etc because there's a chance the inlaws won't be going to their daughters house as usual. No way am I hosting!

Yes to cutted up pear!!

OP, in the kindest way possible, I think your mother, brothers and sister in law reaction to you sign the you need to evaluate - they come across as entitled, ungrateful and unappreciative. I would suggest doing something else for Christmas or spending time with people who truly appreciate your time, effort and money. I think it is very telling your brother and his wife always come empty handed - they sound like takers.

Honestly I am baffled by some of the responses on this thread.

OP - you are doing a lovely and thoughtful thing for your nephew. As someone whose family has a variety of dietary needs at Christmas, we all accept that there will be some things we can eat and some things we can't. My daughter, husband and mum are gluten intolerant (quite nasty tummy reactions if they eat it but not coeliac). My sister and husband are pescatarian through choice. My dad has had to stop eating meat because it was giving him heartburn. My autistic son will not eat a roast dinner.

We have a combination of foods so that everyone has something they enjoy.

Last year we did smoked salmon starter for those that liked it, the kids had nibbly bits and played. Then we had a dressed salmon as a main, with a side of ham, and then all of the trimmings of a normal roast dinner, including yorkshire puds because the kids wanted them, along with pigs in blankets. We did two sorts of yp - gluten free and normal, two trays of roasties - one with goose fat and one with olive oil, and my son had a pizza.

Lots of the family don't like Christmas pud, but my husband loves them so my mum made a gluten free one that we all ate if we wanted it, and then we did a gluten free trifle.

It was a huge amount of work, but everyone contributed and helped. That, to me is a family Christmas. If we all had to eat exactly the same it would just be fish and veg and my son would starve.

OP - your brother and SIL are idiots. I would be tempted to write back and say

I didn't realise you'd all stopped eating dairy in support of Adam. Wow, that's really impressive to have a completely dairy free home, well done. I know I couldn't give up cheese without a fight!

I'm sure you're aware, but just wanted to mention that there is dairy in most cake. pizza and doritos.

So, as per Amy and Peter's request, I will make the whole day dairy free. Amy - I have had a quick look and M&S don't do a prepared turkey without butter, so please could you bring one that you're happy with, thanks.

Tescos do prepared vegan mash and roasties, so I'll get those. I won't bother with cauliflower cheese and obviously no black forest gateaux. Mum and Dad - I know you love that, as do I, so I'll get it for us to have when Amy and Peter have gone home. Just to be clear, that's no cheese and biscuits, no brandy butter, and no Irish coffees. I will get some dairy free chocolate, but there won't be any quality street/thorntons/hotel chocolat etc. Amy/Peter - please can you bring a dairy free christmas pudding and dairy free custard or rum sauce that you're happy for us to serve. Thanks

I imagine when it's spelt out to them like that they will change their minds fairly quickly.

Or I'd ask your mum to decide who we're going to keep happy - dad with his cauli cheese and BFG or Amy/Peter with their insane demands. Or maybe ask Adam himself what he'd like for Christmas lunch and just buy that in.

Oh yea - she keeps telling me what an amazing dad he is - because he occasionally takes the kids out!

the tears come easily when she isn’t getting her way. SIL isn’t usually so difficult / I don’t think she had really thought this one through. It doesn’t really make sense. While we aren’t close she does know I love him and is usually more annoyed about me making a fuss and spoiling him and his brothers. So she knows I wouldn’t do anything to hurt him.

All a bit odd.

This is a rare thread where I actually think the op is being too reasonable! I would have cancelled by now so I admire you for being so kind and rational about it all. Your mum sounds like a pain tbh

Lactose free and dairy free isn't the same thing. You can buy lactose free dairy cream (called Lactofree) and lactose free milk from most supermarkets.

Read the OP’s posts !! She’s catering fully for the child. And SIL isn’t ‘worried about cross contamination’ if they feed the child dairy when it suits them.

I say this as someone who has had issues with lactose and gluten in the past

DO NOT CHANGE EVERYTHING FOR ONE PERSON. What you’re suggesting is absolutely fine. Your nephew is 9, well old enough to know that he can eat certain things but not others and that’s life. I’m assuming at school the entire population isn’t bending to her rules, so why would she expect you to compromise on your Christmas for a child who literally doesn’t eat the lactose stuff you have anyway!

There isn't that much dairy in a Xmas dinner ffs, unless you're injecting the turkey with cheese. If you do it properly they're be none as it'd be roast potatoes in goose fat. Brandy sauce alright but he's probably too young for that anyway? If they're so bothered about him not being able to have everything ask them if you should only have alcohol free drinks? I'm sure their tune will soon change

This is a rare thread where I actually think the op is being too reasonable!
I agree, just ask Amy and Peter to bring a plated up dairy free Christmas dinner for their DC plus a suitable pudding and sweets etc. They can do that while the OP is busy hosting for a quite a few days.
If I was the OP I’d address why Peter doesn’t contribute anything to the meal, hi Peter as well as bringing the dairy free plated up meal I’d like a contribution of X bottles of wine and some nice chocolates for the evening, cheers.

I would just cancel, and tell them all they need a year off to reflect on your usual generosity and appreciate what you do. Your mother and your brother sound like really horrible people.

I wonder if your SIL's initial reaction was kneejerk in the worry that her son would get a crap dinner compared to everyone else. A bit of thought after you pointed out that he will just be getting the non dairy versions of the same food, I am sure she would have (and possible has) calmed down. But by this point your brother had spotted a stick to beat you with. He wont back down now because to people like him backing down is "losing", he will know that he is being a dick but he cant lose face so it doubling down.

He will grace you with his presence, give you the very wonderful gift of hosting and paying for his family but he needs the point making that he hasnt "lost".

I rather hope he makes a fuss on Xmas day, so you can say "Oh it didnt bother you last weekend when you bought him a cheeseburger!"

I have food intolerances. I just care that there is sufficient for me to eat without consequence and it's clear what I can and can't eat.

Your brother is an entitled dick.

@Bellyblueboy I would be looking now at Xmas holidays. Xmas day in the Bahamas sounding good now or a cruise. no drama 😃
your family sound a bit like mine and also my husbands no children here and expected to bend over backwards for everyone else. used to have Xmas in our house aswell foe everyone as we have the bigger house. last one was before covid. never again. served about 22 people.not one broygh anything even a bottle.of wine some arrived super early and left late. no one offered any help. never again.

Funny they’re not suggesting that THEY pay for all the food that they want to change….

stick to your guns @Bellyblueboy

they’ve got 3m to realise how stupid they’re being

A few years ago I did a Xmas dinner that had to cater for:
1 muslim
1 vegan
2 vegetarians who love cheese
2 people who are very allergic to some vegetables

Everyone there had to face food they couldn’t eat, but none were so unreasonable as to try and dictate what everyone else had.

(We did make sure we weren’t putting too much temptation in front of the alcoholic). Your catering sounded fine.

They are being ungrateful and entitled, esp since they don’t live by those same rules. You could have a really lovely winter get away with the money you spend on catering and expensive gifts. If I was free and single, that is what I would be doing!

Actually, if you do go ahead with hosting them, OP, I would put your mother, brother, and SIL on a separate table, and promote all the kids up to the main table. Put a selection of strictly dairy free food on their separate table. Tell them they need to prepare your nephew's plate from that table, and their own food too only from that selection, since they insisted on dairy free for all. They need to lead by example for your nephew, so they can keep the high ground they think they currently occupy. Nephew can come and sit with the rest of you once they have sorted out his plate. Mother, brother and SIL are required to stay alcohol free to keep an eye on nephew and ensure he doesn't eat anything they are not happy with. Tell them this is your final compromise, and the only way you will be happy with their presence in your home.