To not make Christmas dinner dairy free??

[Bellyblueboy]

Very early I know! I cater Christmas dinner every year for my family. I am single and child free but I host for my parents, brother, sister and their families. My parents stay with me for a few nights. It’s a lot of work.

My nine year old nephew was diagnosed as lactose intolerant this year. So of course I will be researching this and making sure his starter, main and desert is lactose free. I even thought of putting little flags in bowls that are lactose free. I was going to order little flags with a picture of a cow crossed out! Make it fun.

my SIL has said it will be unfair if there is food on the table that he can’t eat so the whole meal has to be dairy free.

I order Black Forest gateau every year - my parents love it. Apparently no. He never eats it - I get kid friendly deserts for the four children.

I am a lazy cook - I get the whole meal from marks and Spencer! Prepared mash the lot. I am now told I can’t do this as there are milk products in the mashed and roast potatoes. It would be a huge amount of work to do everything from scratch, I don’t want that to be my Christmas Day and my cooking skills aren’t up to it.

I have said no - this is what I am doing. My brother is now annoyed that i won’t bend to his wife’s demands and have ruined Christmas. I had said he is welcome to come to my house and do the cooking, or host. Or eat at his house then come for coffee and presents. He has told on me! My mum is upset that she won’t have all her family round her at Christmas - dad was ill this year and they have been looking forward to a relaxing Christmas! Agh. It’s only September.

rant over. But honestly give it to me straight am I a selfish child hating spinster! Would you all accommodate this???

Rather difficult to read the drip feeds with the supplementary comments (which are significantly different from your original description) when they appear after my posts.

However you have what you want - most people have affirmed you as the star in the firmament and the evil SiL as the "bitch".

Honestly though - if you don't like them or they are too much trouble then don't ask them. If you want to be the star of Christmas with the full multiday houseparty then its bloody hard work so don't do it if you don't really like them.

This is clearly not the situation with the OP’s nephew - she’s explained that he gets tummy ache and smelly farts and it’s at a mild enough level that his parents still feed him dairy sometimes. Intolerance can mean a lot of things as well.

Some people are being very dramatic on this thread. Children rarely eat everything at a big meal anyway, so having some buttery mash and cauliflower cheese he can’t eat is hardly the end of the world.

@HunterHearstHelmsley Disgusting isn’t it 😂She should also make sure everything in her fridge is dairy free just in case the nephew is encouraged by his CF parents to help himself.

such cruel discrimination would warrant a tilted sad face feature in the local gazette from bro and sil.

'cruel sis denied our boy his christmas Bailey's'

Not sure why roast potatoes have milk in them! Can't you look at other frozen roast potatoes and see if they all have milk in?

You could do your own roast potatoes by pre boiling potatoes and freezing them then roasting them on the day

Yep your money to waste but if doubling up on things which isn't required rather then just peel some potatoes then you have more money then sense and will also be wasting food a 9 year old isn't going to get through an entire portion of dairy free prepared roast potatoes!

It sounds more like your spoiling for a fight over a meal that doesn't need to be there when you can do things like put cream or butter on a table rather then buy the version with butter in!

My sister is Gluten Free. Never even considered making it GF for everyone. She just has some dishes separate from everyone else. Own Christmas pudding etc. I get GF pigs in blankets and stuffing as M&S have it GF

I will tell you straight no messing around. Ask them to cook, simple.

My child and I are lactose intolerant. I would NEVER dictate to anyone hosting us that they can’t also eat and serve dairy. We just opt out or would bring our own alternative! FYI she would be better off knowing that the more you restrict lactose, the worse the intolerance gets! My child and I need dairy free milk, ice cream and yogurt but can still have cheese, chocolate and butter as the lactose content is lower and we eat dairy in products eg a cake. The more you cut it out the less your body will make the enzymes at all. Most lactose intolerant people aren’t unable to eat dairy at all! She’s being over the top and will cause him more issues unfortunately. This is from a dietician who told me this and also my own experience that at times where I’ve cut dairy out fully I become a lot more sensitive to it! It’s also very unusual for a child to have an extreme lactose intolerance.

So DN does have lactose containing products given to him by his parents if they can't find an alternative or if he feels the treat is worth the side effects ?

Now they want you to go to the trouble of providing an entirely lactose free meal for everyone ?

Bellyblueboy Actually you already have the perfect response to your brother's '(wife) and I will need to think about it' text in one of your earlier posts.

I am now thinking of I am being unreasonable then I can’t cater Christmas anymore.

That should bring him to his senses. Perhaps accompanied with a link to the Christmas section of a supermarket website so he can see how much he has saved over the years.

All the posters worrying about the nephew seeing food he can't eat, he is used to this.

It's not doubling up. OP isn't buying two of everything. Just tweaking certain bits of the meal that will all be cooked at the same time. It's not like she's doing christmas dinner and a pasta bake.

@Bellyblueboy YANBU you're more than willing to do dairy free options for your nephew that is more than acceptable.

Your DB and SIL are cheeky fuckers demanding everyone has dairy free especially as they aren't paying towards the cost and not cooking the meal themselves, you don't go to someone else's house and dictate what the host cooks and the other guests must eat it too thats so fucking rude!

OP don't you dare pander to this batshit nonsense and do as you originally planned alternatives for nephew so he's not missing out if DB and SIL don't like it they're more than welcome to have Christmas dinner THEIR WAY AT THEIR OWN HOUSE!

They clearly don't appreciate the effort you make already if they make demands like this but the fact your toss pot of a brother puts you down and SIL makes sly digs about you being a cold hearted career woman would make me put my foot down and say bluntly "my house, my rules if you can't be polite fuck off you are't obligated to come here"

OP this seems like its more about them wanting to control everything than being considerate to your nephew, do they often try to do this?

This situation reminds me of a now ex friend. She was very attention seeking and decided she was allergic gluten (she was tested for allergies all came back negative). I was always considerate and most places we ate at were gluten free but my ex friend always ate salads everywhere we went anyway.

It all came to a head when I was planning my birthday, none of my friends have special dietary requirements so I chose a restaurant that wasn't glutten free. Ex friend when she found out said to me it wasn't very considerate of me to pick that restaurant knowing about her glutten allergy. I replied to her that there are alternatives and she always has a salad. Ex friend replied "well I might want to order something other than salad this time!" She then demanded I change the restaurant for one that caters to her and texted me a list of restaurants that would cater to her and said I had to pick one so it was fair on her. I was really pissed off at her demands but when I saw her texts with the restaurants 'suggestions' I saw red and told her bluntly it wasn't happening its my birthday my choice. Ex friend had a massive tantrum ranting at me how selfish I was, I was deliberately excluding her and she was shocked and disappointed I thought so little of her.

In the end I cancelled the whole thing and arranged drinks in a local bar ex friend was even more furious because she doesn't drink and she "can't go to places where there's alcohol". This was the start of me realising it wasn't about her allergies and dietary requirements but because she wanted to control and dictate everywhere we went and what we could eat whenever I wanted to pick somewhere she always had excuses why she can't go there. I could fill this thread up with her controlling and overall nasty behaviour over 12 years that I was friends with her. I've learnt not to pander to people that try to dictate everything as its about them having control and the bullshit reasons why is often a ruse to get that control.

aunt bessies roast potatoes are dairy free so you only have to separate some mash for him before you add milk and cream. to be honest, i am pretty shocked that the single person in the family is doing the hosting and catering!!! normally the parents or even the younger parents.

I disagree. If it were just a dinner party, you would be right - adults could cope.
Christmas Dinner is a main part of the celebrations, it’s once a year and adults (and children) should be allowed to have the traditional food they always have. Yes, special dishes should be made to ensure the child has a lovely meal too, but it shouldn’t be changed for everyone. Whether they ‘can cope’ or not is irrelevant.

Ridiculous. They can either bring his food or accept what you have offered. I have a family member with allergies...severe ones. I always make sure to include some options the family member can eat and they always bring extra they can eat....

Lot of incorrect reaching in there, and it's very easy to read just OP's posts to see updates.

You seem to not want to be inconvenienced by reading.

When I saw the title I thought at first YABU, as I thought it was going to say you weren’t catering for him at all, but when I read your post and realise you will be catering for him but also having your usual food, I think you are being more than reasonable.

Your brother and SIL are being very entitled, they can easily buy /make some dairy free mash or anything else that isn’t dairy free and bring it along if they’re that insistent. It’s not fair that your brother is causing your mum upset at the thought of them not coming for Christmas. There’s really no reason why they can’t come.

I do think this is going to crop up on so many occasions so your nephew will have to understand that he unfortunately can’t eat everything that is made available. I remember when I was little, my cousin was diabetic and couldn’t have a lot of the food that we had at parties and we just made sure there were extra bits she could have. She was 7 and she understood she had to be careful.

Think you’re doing the right thing. It’s their issue.

Yanbu. I am lactose intolerant and wouldn't expect this. I'm just happy if there's something I can eat!

Child needs to learn that the world doesn't revolve around them. It's a hard lesson but we all have to learn it sometime.

Just to add dairy free is pretty easy - but if you do two versions of everything then you draw attention to the fact that he is different and everyone has to think which one they are helping themselves too - so while it's a pain it might be easier long term to make most of it dairy free

So things like
Mash - vegan one
Turkey - not butter basted (tricky but a local butcher might be easier )
Gravy again pre bought from Waitrose or a butcher
Deserts - vegan chocolate cake - lots on ocado / marks - and kid friendly
Vegan hot chocolate - again very easy to buy and all the kids can have the same - make life easy
Vegan squirty cream - fun and easy

All you need to do is click on ‘see all’ at the bottom right corner of any of the OP’s posts, @C8H10N4O2 - it is not that difficult.

Also - can you explain why the OP should go dairy free when the boy’s own parents haven’t gone dairy free?

Agree with @LusaBatoosa.

I think some counselling would be wise as I think it would help you with your self esteem that has been battered by your mother and brother.

Their treatment of you indicates little regard and respect for you.

Focus on those that treat you well and appreciate you.

THOSE are who you should be spending Christmas with.

Who says the brother and "Amy" plan to allow any butter in the house at all on the day. If they aren't happy with their son having dairy free turkey and potatoes while others have theirs with dairy, why would they be ok with anyone adding dairy?

It's as if people don't understand the concepts of: 1/ Cooking part and freezing the rest or, 2/ saving leftovers for another meal. There is zero need for wasted food just because you are catering separately.