To not make Christmas dinner dairy free??

[Bellyblueboy]

Very early I know! I cater Christmas dinner every year for my family. I am single and child free but I host for my parents, brother, sister and their families. My parents stay with me for a few nights. It’s a lot of work.

My nine year old nephew was diagnosed as lactose intolerant this year. So of course I will be researching this and making sure his starter, main and desert is lactose free. I even thought of putting little flags in bowls that are lactose free. I was going to order little flags with a picture of a cow crossed out! Make it fun.

my SIL has said it will be unfair if there is food on the table that he can’t eat so the whole meal has to be dairy free.

I order Black Forest gateau every year - my parents love it. Apparently no. He never eats it - I get kid friendly deserts for the four children.

I am a lazy cook - I get the whole meal from marks and Spencer! Prepared mash the lot. I am now told I can’t do this as there are milk products in the mashed and roast potatoes. It would be a huge amount of work to do everything from scratch, I don’t want that to be my Christmas Day and my cooking skills aren’t up to it.

I have said no - this is what I am doing. My brother is now annoyed that i won’t bend to his wife’s demands and have ruined Christmas. I had said he is welcome to come to my house and do the cooking, or host. Or eat at his house then come for coffee and presents. He has told on me! My mum is upset that she won’t have all her family round her at Christmas - dad was ill this year and they have been looking forward to a relaxing Christmas! Agh. It’s only September.

rant over. But honestly give it to me straight am I a selfish child hating spinster! Would you all accommodate this???

She's not saying she's not going to cater she's said exactly what she's doing and that's absolutely fine, nothing wrong with it, but expecting everyone else to eat dairy free is ridiculous especially when the family eat dairy in their own home, so please don't try and make the op feel guilty when she's being perfectly reasonable.

Good job you’re not invited then.

You're doing a great thing @Bellyblueboy. You absolutely do not need to change what you're proposing. You've kindly invited family to what you're offering (and preparing a meal, treats, snacks etc dairy free for your nephew). If family don't like it, then they don't need to come.

I expect your brother and SIL would like everything dairy free so they don't have to (a) think about what their child is eating so they can booze up and not watch him and (b) deal with any resulting tummy ache and farts due to (a). Essentially you making everything dairy free means they can sit back, relax and drink without a care in the world. I wonder if they usually offer to help on Christmas Day or have historically not done anything at all? Your refusal to make everything dairy free suddenly impacts on their 'do nothing at all' Christmas Day.

The OP has already said she'll have one unbasted turkey so no idea why people
are talking about chicken breasts still.

Are some people allergic to reading?

There's nothing fun about not being able to eat half the food on the table.

@EtiennePalmiere he has an intolerance. Lactose intolerance and dairy allergy can present similarly and often people - even GPs (medical not grandparents) -use the terms interchangeably in conversation and in social media OPs. And considering the age of the nephew, it would be more likely to be a dairy allergy than a lactose intolerance. If they're in the UK, it's difficult to get a firm diagnosis of either at that age so there is a process of trial and error. All my points still stand.

How is OP not catering for him? She's already providing a Christmas experience that his own parents have never been prepared to give him. On top of that, she's prepared to make him a special meal and buy him special treats. And his "diagnosis" is an intolerance that makes his tummy sore and gives him wind - an intolerance his own parents are prepared to ignore when it is convenient for them and they can't be bothered to make special provision, and therefore allow him to eat dairy.

And why should every other child in the family have to miss out on dairy food, when it is completely unnecessary? What about their Christmas?

Its a nine year old child recently diagnosed and facing their first Christmas season unable to eat the vast majority of the treats and special items along with all his friends. Then at Christmas day, he gets to sit at the table and watch everyone else helping themselves and sharing the items with all the extras whilst he has plain chicken breast and veg. Even gravy often has lactose in it. The idea that its "fun" because of flags in the bowls is for the birds. I'd also be worried about cross contamination in the kitchen and at the table.

FFS @C8H10N4O2, have you heard yourself? A career as a journalist for The S*n surely beckons?

sick burn, Sarah.

An entitled bitch for worrying about cross contamination and a child navigating the Christmas season with a dairy allergy for the first time?

MN is a weird place - on the one hand children are precious and must be hand held all the way through to adulthood and never allowed out unsupervised, unless they have an allergy or disability at which point they are just a massive inconvenience to the world are are "entitled".

Honestly if you don't want to invite people with allergies and dietary restrictions just don't ask them. Don't invite them and pretend you like them whilst bitching about them behind their backs - they will know.

It's his first Xmas since diagnosis and if he can't rely on his auntie to spoil him a bit that's pretty sad for the kid

The only thing he is being deprived of is OTHER PEOPLE NOT EATING DAIRY.

Agree - not a good allergy. Intolerance. So while of course I would never feed him lactose he does eat it occasionally of he decides the farts and tummy ache are worth the taste - pizza usually!

his parents occasionally feed him food with lactose - sometimes because they can’t find anything else. Cross contamination isn’t a concern. And I think it’s only large amounts of lactose - they are relaxed about some foods.

rhis is not a life threatening condition (although the farts are deadly🤢).

My own family’s Christmas drama started in august this year. Hands up I’m following this thread for inspiration from you! You’ve handled this perfectly: priorities right, generosity unchecked, everyone looked after. We have exactly the same dynamic (except your brother = my BIL) and historically I’ve always caved for MIL’s sake. But I’m so over it, having NEVER been able to give MY kids the Christmas I want them to have. So, lots of respect and support from me!

RTFT!

OP has already said she'll get a "dairy" turkey and a regular one. Most of your points are irrelevant as you haven't read the updates.

So - if the brother, SiL and child became vegan, would you expect the OP to do exclusively vegan catering for everyone, for all 3 days?

Or would you what everyone does and si.pky provide vegan dishes in addition to the traditional foods everyone else wants?

The OP has already told us her brother and SiL don't keep a dairy-free house, so the child is already quite used to not being able "to eat half the food on the table".

the child doesn't even live in a dairy free home. So why are you getting yourself in such a tizzy with the OP?

I echo the recommendation of lactase if it’s an intolerance, maybe gift wrapped in his place at the table?!

You do know that an allergy is very different to an intolerance don’t you?

I think this is absolutely perfect! As a family with allergies I would be so grateful for the extra effort and thought put in to catering for him. My 6yo has the allergies and she already accepts there will be things she can’t eat and she’s absolutely fine with it. Can’t believe the way the parents are being, seems totally unreasonable!

P.S. Tesco free from section do fairy free Dorito type crisps 😁

I got to this post and would definitely recommend replying with something similar to what @forrestgreen suggested.
I'd throw in the suggestion about the bit about your brother drinking and suggesting that if you were to go teetotal, would they be as kind to you by not drinking in your home if they were asked to as a comparison.

You still have oodles of time to book a foreign holiday away and have it all catered for for yourself if you wanted to and to ditch this very unreasonable and ungrateful family!

OP you're an absolute angel for all you do for your family over xmas.

It's hard to believe some of the absolute shitheads on this thread, who just come on to bully people and get a sick thrill out of it. You've said multiple times that you are catering for your nephew despite the additional work. Really they should bring food for him to not create an additional burden on you.

You are doing more than enough. If they don't like it, they should lump it. They are being incredibly controlling to suggest that because their son can't have something then no one can. I think the previous poster's suggestion that you should say you've given up alcohol is absolute genius.

Plus they've clearly forgotten the old adage, prepare your child for the road, not the road for your child. They might be able to try and emotionally blackmail you into submission with help from your mother, but they won't be able to do that to everyone for the rest of his life.

If they do come, don't let them get away with bringing nothing, ask them to pick up some wine, the pair of cheap entitled bastards!

Yes - a child who can't have any of the party treats, school treats and others that kids take for granted for the first year of a new dietary restriction deserves a bit of slack and consideration. The OP"s description is exactly what I've written - plain chicken breast and veg.

I wouldn't (and haven't) treated guests with allergies like that. Mileage obviously varies.

We have actual severe allergies in this house. Kids don't eat allergens because they are messy but the adults do. You can't suddenly expect every house.you go to to become dairy free. That's insane. We couldn't even touch the allergens and just had to cope. Your family are unappreciative and being quite rude. I wouldn't bother doing it this year. All the money and time and your brother can't even be bothered to bring a bottle or help. You're being taken for a ride allergies aside.

When we go out and there is a flag for the allergy food, my non allergy kid gets super upset he doesn't get a flag. Flags are a great idea.

He is getting all the stuff he wants without his allergies. You're being a great host. So long as there is nothing he really wants that he can't eat there then you have no issue. Your sil and brother are crazy. Not to mention how stupid and selfish they are for letting him have dairy when they can't be arsed to take dairy free stuff to kids parties etc. They sound utterly selfish and self absorbed.

You are absolutely not being in the slightest bit unreasonable some of these responses are just bonkers 😳

My daughter has serious anaphylactic allergies to several foods - I try to make her food as similar to everyone else’s wherever possible, but the reality is that often she can’t have the same as everyone else. She is 11 and is (and always has been) absolutely understanding and fine with this.

He can eat all the food on the table except for 2 things which he doesn't like anyway. Keep up.