Page 24 | To not make Christmas dinner dairy free??

Bellyblueboy · 2023-09-17T09:14:15+00:00

Very early I know! I cater Christmas dinner every year for my family. I am single and child free but I host for my parents, brother, sister and their families. My parents stay with me for a few nights. It’s a lot of work. My nine year old nephew was diagnosed as lactose intolerant this year. So of course I will be researching this and making sure his starter, main and desert is lactose free. I even thought of putting little flags in bowls that are lactose free. I was going to order little flags with a picture of a cow crossed out! Make it fun. my SIL has said it will be unfair if there is food on the table that he can’t eat so the whole meal has to be dairy free. I order Black Forest gateau every year - my parents love it. Apparently no. He never eats it - I get kid friendly deserts for the four children. I am a lazy cook - I get the whole meal from marks and Spencer! Prepared mash the lot. I am now told I can’t do this as there are milk products in the mashed and roast potatoes. It would be a huge amount of work to do everything from scratch, I don’t want that to be my Christmas Day and my cooking skills aren’t up to it. I have said no - this is what I am doing. My brother is now annoyed that i won’t bend to his wife’s demands and have ruined Christmas. I had said he is welcome to come to my house and do the cooking, or host. Or eat at his house then come for coffee and presents. He has told on me! My mum is upset that she won’t have all her family round her at Christmas - dad was ill this year and they have been looking forward to a relaxing Christmas! Agh. It’s only September. rant over. But honestly give it to me straight am I a selfish child hating spinster! Would you all accommodate this???

Meeting · 17/09/2023 14:14

Jesus Christ all of this over a damn plate of food.

OP has said countless times that she is making him a Christmas dinner that fits his requirements.

They don't keep a dairy free home so they shouldn't expect her to, especially on Christmas. So what if she buys pre-prepared? They clearly like it if they're so keen to come back.

EtiennePalmiere · 17/09/2023 14:14

AlexandriasWindmill · 17/09/2023 14:04

It's quite tricky tbh. I can see that it's a faff when you have a routine that works for you.
But since my DC have allergies, I can also see how frustrating it is to have to constantly police what is suitable and what isn't. It isn't relaxing at all and it's not just about the DC remembering, it's about everyone else there remembering not to slip them something they can't eat. I do find there are always certain family members who don't take allergies seriously so would happily give DC something that would make them ill. They don't see the aftermath so it's not real to them.
Because we have allergies and wider family members who are vegan, I'm used to cooking food that caters to everyone. I tend to cook from scratch but there is lots of pre-made food that is lactose-free. But even if you decide to make the entire meal one that your nephew can eat, be clear that you're not taking responsibility for providing a lactose-free environment. It's in lots of items that others might bring eg sweets. It's not your responsibility if your nephew has a reaction.

He doesn't have an allergy

SlippySarah · 17/09/2023 14:14

I don't agree with the "he'll have to get used to it" stance. It's his first Xmas since diagnosis and if he can't rely on his auntie to spoil him a bit that's pretty sad for the kid. He will have to get used to it but he's got that all to come. Xmas Dinner isn't where that lesson needs to be learned.

But you don't have to cater for anyone if you don't want to. Either do it graciously or tell everyone to naff off, don't do it with a chip on your shoulder.

CherryMaDeara · 17/09/2023 14:15

Bellyblueboy · 17/09/2023 14:10

I have thought about getting it catered. Unless you are willing to pay a huge premium you are collected the precooked dishes on Christmas Eve and reheating - which is essentially what you get from marks and Spencer for about half the price.

snd I suppose of any of my family object to the pre prepared processes Christmas meal I am feeding them then they don’t have to come!

I always over cater. To be honest he won’t eat a lot of his Christmas dinner - he and the younger ones fill up on sweets and chocolate all day. He will stuff himself with the cocktail sausages and ketchup for his starter and won’t be that fussed on the actual meal. There I’ll be plenty of (as you say with suitable judgement) processed crappy food!

I always thought I was doing a good thing for Christmas - I am really starting to reassess. I think if what I offer isn’t good enough then people should turn down the invite.

I am now considering a city break next year. I have never been to New York for Christmas!

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Yes, OP! Have that break and get into a new rhythm. When people take turns it stops people getting entitled like your SIL and BIL.

Please ask them for a decentcontribution, they need to be woken up.

Erdinger · 17/09/2023 14:15

Not much to add to this thread but you sound like a very generous and thoughtful host . Pity can’t say the same about your brother and SIL. Do take yourself on a city break next Christmas as you suggested earlier.

CherryMaDeara · 17/09/2023 14:16

SlippySarah · 17/09/2023 14:14

I don't agree with the "he'll have to get used to it" stance. It's his first Xmas since diagnosis and if he can't rely on his auntie to spoil him a bit that's pretty sad for the kid. He will have to get used to it but he's got that all to come. Xmas Dinner isn't where that lesson needs to be learned.

But you don't have to cater for anyone if you don't want to. Either do it graciously or tell everyone to naff off, don't do it with a chip on your shoulder.

SHE IS CATERING FOR HIM. FFS.

FishingWithBobAndPaul · 17/09/2023 14:16

No good deed goes unpunished.

Your parents and siblings can help by being over elements of the meal. Your DB can cater for his own son.

We have someone in our house that has a gluten free diet. The whole Christmas meal is not gf. I have regular Yorkshire pudding and gf.

Womblegreen · 17/09/2023 14:16

I thought you were going to say you would provide anything dairy free!

They are being completely unreasonable. He will get a lovely meal that won’t make him ill. No he won’t be able to eat every dish, but he is going to have to get used to that. As long as he has a lovely selection and doesn’t miss out on the main dishes or his favourites then I think you are being very accommodating!

(Said as a Mum of a child who is Lacto free)

SlippySarah · 17/09/2023 14:16

I wouldn't want to eat anywhere that pre prepared mash was served though.

Scruffington · 17/09/2023 14:17

SlippySarah · 17/09/2023 14:14

I don't agree with the "he'll have to get used to it" stance. It's his first Xmas since diagnosis and if he can't rely on his auntie to spoil him a bit that's pretty sad for the kid. He will have to get used to it but he's got that all to come. Xmas Dinner isn't where that lesson needs to be learned.

But you don't have to cater for anyone if you don't want to. Either do it graciously or tell everyone to naff off, don't do it with a chip on your shoulder.

she is spoiling him by providing him with a lovely dairy free Christmas dinner.

RobertaFirmino · 17/09/2023 14:17

SlippySarah · 17/09/2023 14:14

I don't agree with the "he'll have to get used to it" stance. It's his first Xmas since diagnosis and if he can't rely on his auntie to spoil him a bit that's pretty sad for the kid. He will have to get used to it but he's got that all to come. Xmas Dinner isn't where that lesson needs to be learned.

But you don't have to cater for anyone if you don't want to. Either do it graciously or tell everyone to naff off, don't do it with a chip on your shoulder.

It's a few roast spuds and some mash in a separate dish. Hardly traumatising now, is it?

AliceOlive · 17/09/2023 14:17

GAH!!! The poor reading comprehension here at MN is astounding.

So your nephew is lactose intolerant and his parents keep dairy in the house and just ensure he has something dairy free to eat.

You are planning to host Christmas Dinner and ensure he has the same exact meal with diary free items in place of the ones with dairy.

You are being told this is unfair and unreasonable.

I love that your Dad gave a thumbs up to your message. Your Mom is catering to her difficult golden boy, clearly. Basically, "I know he's difficult and won't change, that's why you need to change."

Obviously, your brother and SIL are only interested in making things difficult for you. The kid clearly doesn't care. How likely are they to let their kids miss out if you hold your ground?

Simplelobsterhat · 17/09/2023 14:18

Crochetablanket · 17/09/2023 13:52

The OP is not ‘set in her ways ‘ good god.

@Bellyblueboy is the host, she can do what she wants and after years of doing this has a tried and tested way of delivering Christmas to her family pretty much single-handedly. On this occasion she has offered to provide ANOTHER menu option for her nephew - ie MORE WORK for her and this has been essentially refused as she has been told that she has to cook the same ( non dairy) for everyone.

Not a chance in hell I’d be doing that - I like my mash with butter and milk and butter based turkey and Black Forrest gateau and cheese and Irish coffees etc etc

Yes, even though OP could get the stuff all dairy free for everyone she isn’t.
OP is going to do what she normally does with a few extra options.

My family come to me for Christmas , I’d of course offer alternatives if I needed to for people who needed it, but I do Christmas my way of if I’m cooking (and prepping and shopping and paying for it. )

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Yes, I probably didn't make myself clear. I agree she is doing more work this way, that's what I was referring to as set in her ways, not the refusing to go dairy free. I just can't imagine going to the effort of two different meats or making separate roasties for one person when those particular things aren't hard to find nice dairy free and wouldn't even involve any additional shops / can be bought in advance and frozen. I'm trying to suggest things to make it easier for her really, based on our family's experiences of both lactose intolerance and dairy allergy.

I agree she can serve what she wants and they should offer to bring their own or eat seperately if they don't like it. I definitely don't think there is any reason for everyone to eat vegan dessert it forgo the cauliflower cheese!

RubbishDay · 17/09/2023 14:18

I have been on holiday in the Caribbean for Xmas and New year. I can definitely recommend it OP. The food was delicious 😁

Globules · 17/09/2023 14:18

I'm glad this thread has made you resolute about your decision @Bellyblueboy You're being perfectly fair.

I think not only do Golden balls and Amy not want to parent, they don't want everyone else seeing how rubbish they are themselves at ensuring their son stays dairy free.

I'd also address your mother's message and rightly turn it back on your brother demanding.

Love your 16 yr old nephew's response. I agree with him 😁🤮

Scruffington · 17/09/2023 14:19

His dairy scoffing parent can't be arsed keeping this child's home dairy free. That's hilarious.

PaperRhino · 17/09/2023 14:19

You are not being unreasonable and your SIL sounds like an entitled bitch. For years I had in laws with various needs (coeliac, veggie and kosher among them) and my parents who expected a traditional Christmas dinner. On the two occasions that I was pushed into hosting (I worked full time and they didn’t but obviously I had more time and nothing better to do with my few days off than shop and food prep) I did the traditional thing, kept gluten free as far as possible, provided a vegetarian alternative for the kosher/veggie crew. I didn’t bow to pressure to not do the meal I had planned but did provide suitable alternatives in addition. My in laws didn’t so much as offer to move a plate or wash up by the way so after 2 years, and after my parents died, I began to book a restaurant with my immediate family on 25th and said if they wanted to come (and pay for themselves) I would book them in. Thankfully they didn’t and we would have a Christmas Dinner a few days afterwards, just us! Your nephew will eventually have to navigate eating in the real world and not every meal will revolve around him - I think you have been very understanding

madamreign · 17/09/2023 14:19

Why don't you all eat out?

bridgetreilly · 17/09/2023 14:19

Pretty much all roast potatoes will be dairy free! What dairy products do you think they need?!!

Mashed potato doesn’t need dairy in it either, and even if you like it with milk, use lactose free milk. Lactose free is not the same as dairy free. This really doesn’t have to be a big deal.

C8H10N4O2 · 17/09/2023 14:19

Bellyblueboy · 17/09/2023 10:26

But can you get dairy free prepared? Maybe you can. I even buy two large turkey crown - they are butter basted. So I was going to do him a chicken breast separately (he wouldn’t notice the difference). Veg would be the same and gravy. He would have a good dairy free meal.

I don’t have a lot of time.

my brother’s house isn’t big enough to host seven adults and five children - I have a big kitchen and lots of space and a table that can take all the adults, with space for a second table for the kids.

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So the issue isn't that one guest has a food allergy but that its just inconvenient? You said in your opening post that its all a huge effort but then that you just buy in everything and heat it up.

This isn't an adult with years of navigating being a second class guest behind them.
Its a nine year old child recently diagnosed and facing their first Christmas season unable to eat the vast majority of the treats and special items along with all his friends. Then at Christmas day, he gets to sit at the table and watch everyone else helping themselves and sharing the items with all the extras whilst he has plain chicken breast and veg. Even gravy often has lactose in it. The idea that its "fun" because of flags in the bowls is for the birds. I'd also be worried about cross contamination in the kitchen and at the table.

I wouldn't worry about the adults' black forest gateau if the children have a separate dessert anyway - presumably since its unpacked rather than prepared there is limited scope for cross contamination - but its really not that much effort to keep the starter and entree dairy free, at least for this first year of the child having to learn life as a "nuisance" guest.

Scruffington · 17/09/2023 14:21

C8H10N4O2 · 17/09/2023 14:19

So the issue isn't that one guest has a food allergy but that its just inconvenient? You said in your opening post that its all a huge effort but then that you just buy in everything and heat it up.

This isn't an adult with years of navigating being a second class guest behind them.
Its a nine year old child recently diagnosed and facing their first Christmas season unable to eat the vast majority of the treats and special items along with all his friends. Then at Christmas day, he gets to sit at the table and watch everyone else helping themselves and sharing the items with all the extras whilst he has plain chicken breast and veg. Even gravy often has lactose in it. The idea that its "fun" because of flags in the bowls is for the birds. I'd also be worried about cross contamination in the kitchen and at the table.

I wouldn't worry about the adults' black forest gateau if the children have a separate dessert anyway - presumably since its unpacked rather than prepared there is limited scope for cross contamination - but its really not that much effort to keep the starter and entree dairy free, at least for this first year of the child having to learn life as a "nuisance" guest.

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he doesn't have an allergy though.

CarrotsAndCheese · 17/09/2023 14:21

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

I have IBS and am lactose intolerant. It's not an allergy so I can eat a very small amount of dairy. Most people who are lactose intolerant can tolerate a small amount of lactose, unless their intolerance is particularly severe - don't know how low your nephew's tolerance level is. So cross-contamination is extremely unlikely to be a consideration, unless he has an allergy rather than an intolerance.

It's a bit odd that your nephew's parents eat dairy in their own house, presumably when their son is around, but object to anyone else eating dairy around him at your house.

Anyway, I just wanted to highlight a few more things to check. Sorry I haven't read the whole thread so don't know if they've been mentioned or not. Gravy, soup and hot chocolate powder can all contain lactose. It's sometimes disguised as something else in the ingredients, such as whey.

Roast dinner is usually one of my safest meals so it shouldn't be too hard to adapt to dairy-free. However, M&S do have a tendency to add lots of milk, cream and butter to their pre-prepared foods. Tasty, I'm sure, but not so good if you can't eat (much) dairy.

Personally, I'd give the mini pizzas a swerve. The (vegan) cheese alternatives I've tried have tasted terrible, so I wouldn't want to eat them or inflict them on others! Then again, quite a lot of people who are lactose intolerant can eat some cheeses (and yoghurt) because they are naturally lower in lactose than milk. The lactose is water-soluble so it's in the whey, and higher fat dairy has less lactose than lower fat dairy products. As I said, though, it all depends on his personal tolerance level. But it's something that he and his parents can probably explore in conjunction with his doctor/dietician going forwards.

It's horrible having special dietary requirements, particularly for a child, and I always feel a bit of a burden. But I can see you're trying really hard to provide food for your nephew that he will enjoy.

Personally, I feel it's reasonable to make sure that he can eat a good meal like everyone else, and I don't think it's fair of his parents to insist that everyone eats dairy-free as well. If they're not happy with that, then I think they should be hosting. That's what we do at ours. Then they can have full control over what foods are available.

Original poster

Bellyblueboy · 17/09/2023 14:21

SlippySarah · 17/09/2023 14:14

I don't agree with the "he'll have to get used to it" stance. It's his first Xmas since diagnosis and if he can't rely on his auntie to spoil him a bit that's pretty sad for the kid. He will have to get used to it but he's got that all to come. Xmas Dinner isn't where that lesson needs to be learned.

But you don't have to cater for anyone if you don't want to. Either do it graciously or tell everyone to naff off, don't do it with a chip on your shoulder.

Why do you think what I am doing isn’t catering for him? He will have a proper Christmas dinner that is dairy free. What more do you think I should do?

I think you have gotten the wrong impression. I am absolutely the spoiling aunt. He gets amazing presents and trips. Last year he got the Lego hogworts castle and the car and the stomping tree. I am not a bad person.

OP posts:

Hippomumma · 17/09/2023 14:21

Yanbu at all! My DS2 has a cow’s milk protein allergy and I would never expect someone to change their whole menu for him. I have gone dairy free in solidarity so that he doesn’t feel left out but I’d either bring stuff with me for us so it didn’t make your life difficult or be grateful for your kindness in providing milk free alternatives for us.

Yeahno · 17/09/2023 14:21

I have a 3 year old with dairy allergy. We are not dairy free. This 3 year old knows he can't have dairy and is happy to be told what he can or can't have most of the time. We give him suitable alternatives when we can. Sometimes, he goes without and is fine with that.
I can't imagine insisting that family are completely dairy free when hosting us, especially as we are not dairy free ourselves.