To not make Christmas dinner dairy free??

[Bellyblueboy]

Very early I know! I cater Christmas dinner every year for my family. I am single and child free but I host for my parents, brother, sister and their families. My parents stay with me for a few nights. It’s a lot of work.

My nine year old nephew was diagnosed as lactose intolerant this year. So of course I will be researching this and making sure his starter, main and desert is lactose free. I even thought of putting little flags in bowls that are lactose free. I was going to order little flags with a picture of a cow crossed out! Make it fun.

my SIL has said it will be unfair if there is food on the table that he can’t eat so the whole meal has to be dairy free.

I order Black Forest gateau every year - my parents love it. Apparently no. He never eats it - I get kid friendly deserts for the four children.

I am a lazy cook - I get the whole meal from marks and Spencer! Prepared mash the lot. I am now told I can’t do this as there are milk products in the mashed and roast potatoes. It would be a huge amount of work to do everything from scratch, I don’t want that to be my Christmas Day and my cooking skills aren’t up to it.

I have said no - this is what I am doing. My brother is now annoyed that i won’t bend to his wife’s demands and have ruined Christmas. I had said he is welcome to come to my house and do the cooking, or host. Or eat at his house then come for coffee and presents. He has told on me! My mum is upset that she won’t have all her family round her at Christmas - dad was ill this year and they have been looking forward to a relaxing Christmas! Agh. It’s only September.

rant over. But honestly give it to me straight am I a selfish child hating spinster! Would you all accommodate this???

I think your SIL is being unreasonable here. Would she call a restaurant ahead and state can you take everything off the menu that is lactose intolerant as it would be unfair to her child? And would the restaurant oblige?

Learning curve for the 9 year old too.

I’m dairy free and would never expect an entire meal for the whole family to be dairy free. In these situations, I eat the food I can and avoid what I can’t. I’m gutted, it’s a recent thing (intolerance not allergy) and I miss dairy so much, but that not everyone’s else’s problem.

If someone makes something just for me I’m always very touched, it’s never expected.

I suppose it’s a little different when it’s a child, but the fact that you were prepared to cater for him is all anyone can expect in my opinion. Your sister in law is being unreasonable.

@Bellyblueboy I had a milk intolerance for about 15 years, and it’s usual to not be able to eat everything at a big meal. So insisting on the whole thing being dairy free is silly. Having said that, it’s pretty easy to make the core meal dairy free - meat, potatoes, at least one side, gravy. You will def be able to buy prepared stuff which is dairy free, so that would be less work for you overall than making his own stuff. Marks and Spencer are probably the worst supermarket for unnecessary dairy though- they put butter in everything!

It sounds like your nephew has a mild intolerance rather than a severe allergy. I used to use lactase enzyme supplements for meals out or treats when I had my milk intolerance - they were very effective -

https://www.hollandandbarrett.com/shop/product/holland-barrett-super-lactase-enzyme-softgel-capsules-125mg-60018952?skuid=046920&utm_campaign=shopping&utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&gclid=Cj0KCQjwx5qoBhDyARIsAPbMagAfFDZfoQDb5GwxKkN-v2V78eZH1FiKHycn4B9RGLJHAqztlXbFND4aArRcEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

Maybe suggest to your brother that they try these out with your nephew? You take them with the meal and it’s the enzyme which breaks down lactose so it helps with digestion. If they work for him then he could have a dairy treat meal at Christmas.

(They don’t work if you take them for every meal- as I found out when I got overexcited when I first discovered them!)

Gosh I'm shocked at the number of people who think it is unreasonable to offer DF alternatives instead of a DF meal.

OP, I've read all of your posts on this thread and you sound like a wonderful daughter, sister and auntie. You work so hard to make everyone's Christmas wonderful every year despite not really enjoying Christmas Day itself.

I think your suggestions are perfectly good and thoughtful,, and DNs parents are being far too precious about it all.

I hope however this pans out that you get to enjoy Christmas. If it ends up that you don't host Christmas for everyone, I hope it makes them all realise just how wonderful a host you have been to date!

I am lactose intolerant and never expect anyone eating with me to eat a lactose free meal. He is one person out of several people attending for a Christmas meal. Why should you all miss out because of one person? Personally I wouldn't /don't like any attention drawn to the fact. It is no big deal at all and he is just going to have to get on with it. It sounds like your sister in law is making a big drama out of nothing and is attention seeking using her own son. I think you are being more than accommodating and thoughtful to his needs. Tell them to to eat at their own place and come over to yours later if they are that paranoid.

After those messages from your brother and mother, I’d be tempted to book that Christmas cruise… and not tell them you wouldn’t be hosting until 4pm Christmas Eve when all the shops were shut.

How ungrateful are they?

Please stick to your guns - you are being completely reasonable and I say this as the parent of a child who has a food allergy which means they have to carry an epipen at all times and can be very unwell if they eat the wrong food. I think you are being taken for granted. You are making a real effort to make a version of the meal so that the child doesn't feel left out. You're not sticking a microwave pizza on the table.
If they are really keen that their child has the same, then as you say they can host or have a meal at home and join you afterwards, but of course they won't.
They just want you to do what they want regardless of what that means for your time or Christmas.
If you doing it this year, it will be the expectation every year.

have only read OPs posts.
OP, you sound lovely. Your ideas for making dairy free versions for your nephew sound fine. Your SIL is batshit - if she doesn't do it at home for her own son, no reason why you should.

In your position I'd say: I am doing this. Who is in? Answers by 1st October.

And if the answer by 1st Oct is that you're an ol' cow? go away for Christmas and sod 'em. (maybe book something cancelable now, just in case?)

YANBU! I can't believe your brother and SIL turn up empty handed every year and then eat and drink themselves merry at your expense for a start. To then start dictating the menu and your perfectly reasonable adjustments for their son is crazy. They should all be falling at your feet with gratitude, I'm outraged for you!

What an arse ache to make a totally dairy free christmas dinner , just because one person is DI
Im sorry for the kid but why should have to eat df,Much better if they go with your idea op and cater themselves.

Can I come for Christmas!? Your family don’t realise how much they have it made. I host every year and every year I say “never ever again” and every year I end up hosting somehow, it’s like a curse has been put on me I swear. But anyway back to your point, you’ve done exactly the right thing reading through your posts and this thread. Quite frankly there are some batshit comments on here. You’re catering to you DN dietary requirements and that’s enough, o one else needs to eat this way. I’m vegan and even I think the mock dairy free items are often awful tasting when it comes to puddings, biscuits and chocolate (not the good stuff I mean the kids chocolate). Veg and potatoes are fine but you can’t beat buttered mash! The vegan alternative is not as rich and my family would notice if I tried it with the mash. Also tell your lazy entitled bro and sis in law to bring a bloody bottle of wine!! And some sort of thank you for all your hard work.

I love the idea of the little flags in the DF food...You're making it really fun for him

I'd also say that due to everything being so expensive, you are now operating a BYOB style Christmas

You are being more than reasonable, OP.

I have a relative who's intolerant to all sorts and always just brings her own food- I always offer to get things in, and often do make it free-from as much as possible anyway (eg potatoes not gluten, dairy-free treats) - she would never dictate what the rest of us ate!

Honestly they sound batshit for saying no-one can have butter, milk choc or cream on Christmas day.

This x a million. Cheeky bastards.

I have thought about getting it catered. Unless you are willing to pay a huge premium you are collected the precooked dishes on Christmas Eve and reheating - which is essentially what you get from marks and Spencer for about half the price.

snd I suppose of any of my family object to the pre prepared processes Christmas meal I am feeding them then they don’t have to come!

I always over cater. To be honest he won’t eat a lot of his Christmas dinner - he and the younger ones fill up on sweets and chocolate all day. He will stuff himself with the cocktail sausages and ketchup for his starter and won’t be that fussed on the actual meal. There I’ll be plenty of (as you say with suitable judgement) processed crappy food!

I always thought I was doing a good thing for Christmas - I am really starting to reassess. I think if what I offer isn’t good enough then people should turn down the invite.

I am now considering a city break next year. I have never been to New York for Christmas!

No way. At 9 the lid is old enough to know that there are things he can’t eat, and that sucks, but that’s life!

You can buy lactose free milk and cheese to make cauliflower cheese with.

Lactose free doesn't always equal dairy free, as there are dairy options with lactose removed.

I would tell your brother and SIL that it is their turn to host this year, but you will be taking notes on how they do things so you can do a good job when it's your turn to host again in about 5 years time.

But, a child at Christmas should IMO be able to sit down to dinner with everyone and eat whatever they want

And if one of the other children wants to eat cauliflower cheese or chocolate that isn’t lactose free… then what? Do their feelings not matter? This child is being catered for left right and centre, will have a lactose free version of literally everything (except the gateau which he doesn’t like anyway) and that still isn’t good enough??

I'd be quite upset if my family needed that to be spelled out.
I would be quite upset if my family were as entitled as you and OPs brother and sister in law as well.

Excellent suggestion.

Your brother is a bully and is using this as a stick to beat you with.

Your mothers response is a further disgrace.

Remember OP, we teach people how to treat us.

Push back HARD.

If you wanted to go out with a bang, agree to their request, then serve plain mash with a spinach leaf garnish and a slab of tofu for the main meal, and cutted-up pear for pudding, saying you're catering for all dietary requirements.
Guaranteed you wouldn't be doing it again!

Op have you asked them why they think it's ok for them to eat dairy in their own house but yet they expect you to cater for a large number of people in your own house and then wanting you to make it dairy free? They are absolute hypocrites.

If it was me, I would be very blunt with my brother ie 'you don't have a dairy free home, why should I? I think you are going to have to put him on the spot. If he doesn't like that, then tough. You have done more than enough for your family over multiple Christmasses. Perhaps it's time for someone else to step up?

Lactose-free is different to dairy free. We use the Arla lactose-free butter and lactose-free milk because we like the taste. You can just sub them for regular milk and butter without it being too much of a palaver.

Your brother and SIL are being ridiculous though. Maybe it’s a good excuse to get out of the hosting, or at least to cut back on how much hosting you are expected to do.