To not make Christmas dinner dairy free??

[Bellyblueboy]

Very early I know! I cater Christmas dinner every year for my family. I am single and child free but I host for my parents, brother, sister and their families. My parents stay with me for a few nights. It’s a lot of work.

My nine year old nephew was diagnosed as lactose intolerant this year. So of course I will be researching this and making sure his starter, main and desert is lactose free. I even thought of putting little flags in bowls that are lactose free. I was going to order little flags with a picture of a cow crossed out! Make it fun.

my SIL has said it will be unfair if there is food on the table that he can’t eat so the whole meal has to be dairy free.

I order Black Forest gateau every year - my parents love it. Apparently no. He never eats it - I get kid friendly deserts for the four children.

I am a lazy cook - I get the whole meal from marks and Spencer! Prepared mash the lot. I am now told I can’t do this as there are milk products in the mashed and roast potatoes. It would be a huge amount of work to do everything from scratch, I don’t want that to be my Christmas Day and my cooking skills aren’t up to it.

I have said no - this is what I am doing. My brother is now annoyed that i won’t bend to his wife’s demands and have ruined Christmas. I had said he is welcome to come to my house and do the cooking, or host. Or eat at his house then come for coffee and presents. He has told on me! My mum is upset that she won’t have all her family round her at Christmas - dad was ill this year and they have been looking forward to a relaxing Christmas! Agh. It’s only September.

rant over. But honestly give it to me straight am I a selfish child hating spinster! Would you all accommodate this???

@muchalover

so many women hate child free women , sounds like you might be one of them

How in God's name is this little cherub going to manage at birthday parties when there's all sorts on the table that aren't dairy free, are his parents going to ask that everything careers to his needs?

I think you're doing a great job offering to get him DF alternatives, but he's going to have to realise that in this society DF isn't the standard

I would make him his own mash ect. Sounds like the kids normally eat a different desert to the adults. Christmas lunch is more important to adults than children and they can’t expect the adults to have mash with no butter or milk!

He will have to get used to this way of eating unfortunately. If it’s a new diagnoses his mum might have got more used to it by Christmas.

OP, you sound absolutely lovely and I would happily come to Christmas Dinner at yours! Please don't take some of the ridiculous comments on here to heart. You are a wonderful aunty to be thinking of these things (all the treats and activities) for your nieces and nephews.

I would tell you brother, SIL and mum to bugger off. Your nephew just needs to get on with it and you are catering for him. They sound like drama queens.

“Mum, the only reason we get together at Christmas AT ALL is because I invite everyone to mine, host, shop, cook, clean and fund it.

DB has no qualms about eating dairy around his son in his own home, so I am not going to put up with being dictated to on something his family have no issue with at any other time of the year.
They are being difficult for the sake of it and quite frankly, I would have expected your support on this. At the very least, please stop getting involved and adding to the tension.”

Our family includes a vegetarian, two people with different food intolerances (one serious, one mild but still unpleasant), one diabetic and one neurodiverse fussy eater. We could go for lowest common denominator and make sure all the food is suitable for everyone, but we'd basically be eating steamed carrots so we are sensible and label things instead.

Realise that everything is prepared, but I still maintain a Christmas dinner shouldn’t contain dairy

That's lovely for you, but it isn't the law for everybody.

People can have whelks, crumpets and Angel Delight in sweet and sour sauce for their Christmas meal, if they so choose.

Me. And pretty much everyone I know. I think there's a law about it. We have roasties now (as an extra) but I didn't grow up with them. It was always turkey, ham, mash, carrots and sprouts.

@Bellyblueboy Just a hunch but does your brother/sil have form for making events all about them? Do they just happen to need a particular meal or gift or drink at events? Do they have life announcements that just happen to fall on say your birthday? Or your sisters? Did your sisters wedding coincide with a pregnancy/new baby?

I ask because I have an extended family member like this and it wasnt until my sister and I sat down and went through all the big events in our family, that we realised that there was always something that brought the attention firmly back round on to them.

Sounds like he emotionally blackmails your mother too. I cant help wondering if there has been an undercurrent of withdrawing him and the kids from her if she doesnt pander to him.

If your mum wants everyone together for Christmas why doesn't she host?

Personally I would give the dairy free turkey to your brother, sil and mother. What a bunch of cheeky fuckers. What the hell is there for them to talk about? I expect they are actually wildly jealous of rich single sister.

You really have been trained to put yourself last op. I am the former family scapegoat. I say former as I went nc with those, who didn’t respect me until they could behave. For several years in one case.

Next year I would do something for me eg take up skiing and go away for Christmas or to the Maldives etc… if they don’t behave this year, I would bring these plans forward.

People who don't RTFT (or even the actual OP) is always a massive downer on MN; but I really cannot remember the last thread when it was quite so widespread as this.

This is mad. You sound lovely! They should b bringing dairy free alternatives where necessary. You crack on with your normal meal with some adaptations as suggested..ignore all this. Are they going go into a restaurant and demand that everyone in their should be eating dairy free ?

We have Christmas dinner at our house. There are vegetarians, gluten free people, lactose intolerant people. If I had to make sure that everyone could eat everything it would be bloody hard work and nobody would be satisfied. There is plenty of food for everyone, but some dishes are going to off limits to some
people. I actually think it is very important for kids with allergies to learn about what they can and can’t eat, rather than having them assume that they can eat anything.

You’re absolutely not being unreasonable @Bellyblueboy

youre going above and beyond for the lot of them. They’re blinking cheeky!! You’re doing them all a huge favour and they’re treating you like this?! Stand your ground, you’re in the right!!

This thread is absolutely insane, and I say this as a parent to a child with severe allergies. I cannot believe the flaming OP has had. She spends hundreds catering for her extended family who do not reciprocate. Allergy flags are ableist?!?!

Fuck that. It’s early enough to cancel, OP. If you do host this year make it your last and book Christmas 2024 in the Maldives.

I think you're being perfectly reasonable - catering dairy free for your nephew and dairy stuff for everyone else. As you've said the whole household hasn't gone dairy free and it's bonkers that they expect it on one day. Like you've said they either accept it or they don't.

That’s a good message!

I need to know... who are all these people that have MASH in a Christmas dinner?!

Me!

I also prepare a dauphinois for people to help themselves to 😱

@Undisclosedlocation sounds very wise, @Bellyblueboy.

What you are planning to do for Christmas dinner sounds pretty much spot on - it is a celebration for everyone, not just one child, and you are providing a meal that everyone can enjoy, and no-one need feel left out.

It is barking mad that your brother and SIL are expecting a dairy free Christmas when they don’t have a dairy free house!

Not read the whole thread but I have a now adult son who was diagnosed with multiple food allergies including dairy as a baby/toddler so we have been dealing this kind of thing for a long time. If we are invited out for a meal I would expect the hosts to provide something suitable for him but there is no way we would try to dictate what anyone else was eating If you have food allergies or intolerances you can't eat the same as everyone else. It's shit sometimes, but it's reality and the sooner a child learns to manage that the better. The rest of the world is not going to change to accomodate them so they need to learn how to keep themselves safe and healthy.
I know it sounds cruel but this is something your nephew is going to have to accept and learn to live with. School isn't going to go dairy free, his friends aren't going to stop eating chocolate and ice cream around him etc so he is going to have to get used to it. It's not like you're giving him beans on toast whilst everyone else tucks into a fabulous meal, you're offering a comparable meal with some adjustments which is perfectly reasonable. Personally, I'd make life easier for myself by choosing a turkey that isn't butter basted and finding a dairy free option for the roast potatoes at least, but a different dessert etc is absolutely fine. At least there are plenty of options these days.

Your SIL is ridiculous

Ffs your brother and SIL need a head wobble.

@Bellyblueboy has catered for Xmas for years. She has said she will cater for nephew so he will not starve. Brother brings nothing to the Christmas events. And it sounds as though you provide free babysitting services as well.

Time to put a positive spin on this. Luckily you will not have to cater for all the family. Just have fun with your sister and her family and your dad. Mum can go to your brother’s where they can all be diary free martyrs.

They are coming across as an entitled pair of twats!

This.

I could almost understand their insistence if their whole household had gone dairy free, but they still eat dairy so he literally spends every day watching his family eat things he can't have. Plus his dad gives him dairy too! They can jog right on.