To not make Christmas dinner dairy free??

[Bellyblueboy]

Very early I know! I cater Christmas dinner every year for my family. I am single and child free but I host for my parents, brother, sister and their families. My parents stay with me for a few nights. It’s a lot of work.

My nine year old nephew was diagnosed as lactose intolerant this year. So of course I will be researching this and making sure his starter, main and desert is lactose free. I even thought of putting little flags in bowls that are lactose free. I was going to order little flags with a picture of a cow crossed out! Make it fun.

my SIL has said it will be unfair if there is food on the table that he can’t eat so the whole meal has to be dairy free.

I order Black Forest gateau every year - my parents love it. Apparently no. He never eats it - I get kid friendly deserts for the four children.

I am a lazy cook - I get the whole meal from marks and Spencer! Prepared mash the lot. I am now told I can’t do this as there are milk products in the mashed and roast potatoes. It would be a huge amount of work to do everything from scratch, I don’t want that to be my Christmas Day and my cooking skills aren’t up to it.

I have said no - this is what I am doing. My brother is now annoyed that i won’t bend to his wife’s demands and have ruined Christmas. I had said he is welcome to come to my house and do the cooking, or host. Or eat at his house then come for coffee and presents. He has told on me! My mum is upset that she won’t have all her family round her at Christmas - dad was ill this year and they have been looking forward to a relaxing Christmas! Agh. It’s only September.

rant over. But honestly give it to me straight am I a selfish child hating spinster! Would you all accommodate this???

Well done @Bellyblueboy Stick to your guns.

YANBU

I have two children with CMPA and one has an egg allergy, too.

We all go to my SIL's for Christmas dinner, she does an epic job. But I go with food alternatives for my two, including deserts. I even took a Turkey crown last year. I do not expect her to cater for my children, she has enough on cooking for 14 of us. It works well for us and I also have peace of mind knowing that the children are having food that is 'safe'.

Tell your SIL to do one.

Unbelievable…. What a pair of CF’s …
They won’t go dairy free in their own house for their own child, but are demanding you do a totally dairy free day for Christmas. A Christmas which they do not contribute towards…
I doubt very much they will not come, after all, they would have to buy and cook their own food for a start….
But I would make it very clear that this is the last year you are catering like this. You can do a brunch or coffee and cake or high tea but you will not be cooking Christmas dinner. I really cannot believe your brother arrives empty handed…

OP you seem to be focusing on mainly the negative comments but try to look at the bigger picture.. over 96% are saying YANBU!! I think they sound very selfish and you sound amazing catering for them all over Christmas and the days before/that follow!

That is atrocious & I would want to fuck them all off & jet off somewhere!

When you say if you didn't host it no one else would what do you mean?

That it would be you & your parents & your siblings at home with their own families?

Do they all really want to see each other if they wouldn't invite each other?

I cook mainly dairy free as my dd is allergic to dairy, not just lactose intolerant. When we have large family get togethers not all the food is df, and my dd is old enough to decide what she eats. However, my siblings will make things like a special pudding to bring that are df, and check with her or me that such and such is ok.

Tbh, a lot of df options are perfectly acceptable as replacements to dairy options, apart from the cheese. Some are good, but most are not.
That said, lactose free cheddar is just the same as cheddar so you could do a lactose free cauli cheese with oat milk and lactose free cheese and use Stork baking spread for the butter.

But, your nephews parents are being very unreasonable expecting everything to be dairy free, especially when I imagine they don't contribute towards to the costs. If they are so concerned about him missing out, then they need to supply the treats that are safe for him to eat. It does sound like they are treating this as an allergy as opposed to an intolerance.

With regards to Doritos, is it the cool ones he likes or does he like the spicy ones as the red pack don't contain dairy.

Also, for the hot chocs, Cadburys hot choc powder which you add milk to is the best as you can add what milk you like, and you can buy cans of squirts cream that is dairy free and really nice.

I hope you get some reasonable responses back from your family and you all have a lovely time🎄

Not surprisingly is it that he has now got her to blackmail you as well.

Honestly say this is what you will provide and give them all a date by which to say whether they will be coming or not. Tell them all it's getting too stressful to host so you won't mind if they want to do it themselves.

Then have a nice Xmas meal on your terms given that you are paying and hosting with those than want to join you.

Sausages may have casein, bread sauce is milk based, personally I add a little milk to stuffing, butter on the turkey, milk / cream / butter in mashed potato, cream with the sprouts if you do that - lots of little things. Before you get to the desserts. And the milk / cream in tea and coffee, and the baked goods at brunch.

The OP has no problem providing her nephew with dairy-free food. The issue is being expected to deprive everyone else of dairy for the whole day.

Bro and SiL are stinkers.

I have said I will get a Turkey that isn’t basted.

it is my house and my money and my time. I am offering my guests cream and cheese. I am not peeling potatoes or making a meal from scratch. This thread has made me more resolute.

I am not forcing all my guests to eat vegan dishes when there will be plenty of food my nephew can eat. Vegan food isn’t as nice and it is usually more expensive. He eats dairy at home occasionally and when his dad can’t be arsed looking at a fast food menu.

I spend hundreds of pounds a year (probably thousands) catering Christmas. My nephew will have lots of food - he won’t have dairy free options of food that he doesn’t like.

I think I'd go away for a break on my own over Christmas, in this case, then do something fun for your nieces and nephews only.

Be kinder? Good grief. Tell your mum that actually the whole family needs to be kinder to you, as you do all this work by yourself every year.

Since you have the space, perhaps suggest that it can be at your house but everyone else should bring and cook the food. You'll provide the plates and cutlery.

I have a DC with an allergy and I'd be really upset if family didn't make Christmas dinner suitable for her to eat.

Black forest gateau, fine, but the meat, potatoes should be suitable for everyone.

'Mum they need to be kinder to me. I go to a great deal of effort and expense for their Christmas. This has added extra effort and expense. They have neither offered to help or contribute financially. I'm sure dn will be very happy with his meal surrounded by his family'

Please just stick to your original plan.
You have a few options

1. Do what you always do making allowances for your nephew.
2. Ask your brother and sil to cater this year instead.
3. Ask your parents to host.
4. Ask your sister to host.
5. Tell them all to stay at home and go to a friend’s house instead.

So you wouldn’t be happy if she had her own Christmas meal tailored to her dietary requirements - everyone else would also need to eat food suitable for her allergy?

help me understand - why?

I am bleddy FURIOUS for you! What a cheek.
You are definitely the right.

You sound a very generous and considerate person, and all your suggestions very reasonable. I can’t believe all the critical comments you have received, the entitlement of some people is quite extraordinary.

If they didn't want to then surely you would host instead and provide the food?

Have you even RTFT? Or are you just as entitled as OP’s SIL and DB?

Perhaps you could cater for the entire family then? I wouldn’t change an entire meal for a small dairy intolerance. Some people are so entitled and don’t realise how much time and expense is involved in large family gatherings.

Of course it's hard for your nephew learning that there are foods he can't eat but I think your plan is a good compromise.

Not even that in this case: he will have identical-looking food.

Brother has replied

‘Amy and I need to think about this’

I'd just reply "Fair enough, if a standard dairy setup for everybody else, with dairy-free versions for him - like he's used to at home - isn't suitable when you're at mine - you do what you think is best and let me know, hun xxxxxxxxxxx."

Raging narcissism. LOOK AT ME and I WILL KEEP YOU ALL WAITING AND ALL ATTENTION IS ON ME WHILE I AM THINKING MY IMPORTANT THOUGHTS.

As someone who has hosted and catered Christmas mostly single handedly for the last 16 years (and only for 8 people), OP I am fully on your side. Of course you can have mash with Christmas dinner if you want it. Of course you don't want to peel potatoes for 12 people when you could buy them in, and that is perfectly reasonable. I imagine the butter basted turkey comes ready prepped, maybe in a bag so all you have to do is bung it in the oven. I have spent too many Christmases with my hand up a turkey's arse at 8am (plus I smother it in butter...)

Maybe the person who takes only 20min to prep 3 different Christmas dinners could post some tips, I would be genuinely interested!

Speaking as a parent of a lactose intolerant son, she's being ridiculous!

He needs to learn to manage his diet, having everyone cook everything dairy free doesn't help with that.

On the whole you are not bring unreasonable. I can't believe you cater for them every year for 3 days, they don't contribute anything and they still think they can dictate things! And yes, anyone with an allergy or intolerance needs to get used to others having different from them. My nephew has a dairy allergy and although we try and cook things he can have, for things like snacks, desserts etc we will just buy him an alternative. Your message to them is reasonable.

However, a couple of things to consider..

1. in my nephew's case this is since he was a baby so he knows no other way. If your nephew is older and this is recent, having to have different may be more upsetting for him, so take a bit of getting used to, so it's good to be aware of that, particularly making sure things like desserts look as nice for him.
2. my husband is lactose intolerant and yes it does mean a bit more cooking from scratch, but it's really not hard to make things like Christmas dinner lactose free. You sound very set in your ways about having the same things every year. As others have says, it doesn't create much extra work to buy a non basted turkey, if you don't want to do roasties from scratch there are brands that don't have milk etc. I genuinely think at least as far as the main course goes you'd create much more work for yourself having to add extra dishes for your nephew than you would slightly adapting what everyone is having (with exception of things like cauliflower cheese which he can easily skip).
3. If it's definitely lactose intolerance not a dairy allergy, which it sounds like, you can buy lactose free milk, cream etc. It doesn't have to be completely non dairy. Tastes much more like the real thing so easier to use for everyone eg to add to mash etc.