To not make Christmas dinner dairy free??

[Bellyblueboy]

Very early I know! I cater Christmas dinner every year for my family. I am single and child free but I host for my parents, brother, sister and their families. My parents stay with me for a few nights. It’s a lot of work.

My nine year old nephew was diagnosed as lactose intolerant this year. So of course I will be researching this and making sure his starter, main and desert is lactose free. I even thought of putting little flags in bowls that are lactose free. I was going to order little flags with a picture of a cow crossed out! Make it fun.

my SIL has said it will be unfair if there is food on the table that he can’t eat so the whole meal has to be dairy free.

I order Black Forest gateau every year - my parents love it. Apparently no. He never eats it - I get kid friendly deserts for the four children.

I am a lazy cook - I get the whole meal from marks and Spencer! Prepared mash the lot. I am now told I can’t do this as there are milk products in the mashed and roast potatoes. It would be a huge amount of work to do everything from scratch, I don’t want that to be my Christmas Day and my cooking skills aren’t up to it.

I have said no - this is what I am doing. My brother is now annoyed that i won’t bend to his wife’s demands and have ruined Christmas. I had said he is welcome to come to my house and do the cooking, or host. Or eat at his house then come for coffee and presents. He has told on me! My mum is upset that she won’t have all her family round her at Christmas - dad was ill this year and they have been looking forward to a relaxing Christmas! Agh. It’s only September.

rant over. But honestly give it to me straight am I a selfish child hating spinster! Would you all accommodate this???

Brilliant reply OP. Stand your ground! They are unbelievably entitled.

If it's just lactose rather than actual dairy that gives you potentially more options. You might not need to avoid May contains for example and you can get lactose free milk and cheese products that are not vegan. That said, they should be looking at providing suitable items too. I have to be gluten free and offer to take my own when I go somewhere for dinner.

OP I'm in awe of anyone who hosts for a big group of people. It's a huge level of work and organisation. Not to mention the expense of hosting. Obviously your nephew can't help having an intolerance, but it's an added complication. His parents should be offering to help out in any way they can (like making dairy free options and bringing them along). Instead, they're making things harder with their stipulation that all of the food must be dairy free. Looks like most of MN agrees with us. Btw not the point of the thread but where do you get your Black Forest Gateau? Is it from M&S?

Your brother and his wife need to get a grip, and I say this as a vegan.

You are accommodating him. You’re providing options of the things he likes. You’re NOT providing DF options for foods he would refuse anyway. His parents don’t eat DF at home, so why are they expecting you and only you to make these accommodations?

I’d tell your mum to back off, politely, and that you won’t be discussing this further with her. Sounds like your whole family have taken this situation for granted for a long time!!

Your brother or SIL (or both!?) are likely narcissist. Your nephew probably couldn't care less and knows you will feed him well.

You did the right thing not pandering. In fact, I would have given a deadline and said if you don't confirm your attendance by 1st Oct then I will not be ordering your share of food.

This blows my mind. I have severe allergies. Do I expect my family to avoid the things I have allergies to? Absolutely not. I do expect not to be put at risk but that’s as far as it goes.

bizarre.

Mum, the only reason we get together at Christmas AT ALL is because I invite everyone to mine, host, shop, cook, clean and fund it.

DB has no qualms about eating dairy around his son in his own home, so I am not going to put up with being dictated to on something his family have no issue with at any other time of the year.
They are being difficult for the sake of it and quite frankly, I would have expected your support on this. At the very least, please stop getting involved and adding to the tension

Perfect

She is in her seventies now and never enjoyed it. To be honest my sister and I did it for years when we all lived at home.

in answer to the person who said I am set in my ways - yes I am. I don’t have a lot of time in December and I get the same things every years because I know how to cook them. I also don’t have a lot of time to go to different shops - I entertain on Christmas Eve so really only have the morning to buy the fresh stuff.

and the question about my nephew and birthday parties. Parents rarely cater for his intolerance so he just eats the cake and pizza and has a sore tummy that night.

I am lactose intolerant. Butter contains barely any lactose and is fine. Milk and cream are obviously different but as you are doing him milk-free potatoes I think he should be perfectly OK with the butter-basted turkey and his own side dishes.

On another note, have they heard of lactase pills? I use Lactojoy and can eat most things perfectly fine even with dairy content, as long as I take a pill at the same time. You can get them from Amazon and loads of other online retailers. The pills are pretty small and I think most 9 year olds could manage one with perhaps a bit of practice in advance.

https://lactojoy.com/

The fact your brother hasn't bothered to make his own home dairy free speaks volumes here.
Also your mum has cemented who the golden child in the family is.
I'd be suggesting that someone who can cater to all dietary requirements takes up hosting duties going forward. I suspect the threat of them having to host might focus some people's thoughts around this...

Wow! I wish I had had an aunt like you. I am a mother of four and I have recently drawn the line at doing a lot of things from scratch. There's so many options available. Those who protest will be dhown where the kitchen is. Be a 'laxy' cook, if that's the way you do it. It's your time and labour, after all.

I can't understand the comments that suggest you turn a whole meal into a dairy free one, when you are already catering for your nephew's needs. I love the idea of the little flags. Very practical and how on earth someone can call that being ableist I haven't the foggiest. You stick to your guns. Do not, under any circumstances, give in.
If I were you I wouldn't host Christmas again. I'd say. 'As you obviously didn't like what I did last year, I'm not going it again.'

I would seriously throw my dolly out of my pram at this one.

My daughter is severe coeliac. At holidays I make her meal separately, but do not make all my guests eat gluten free.

Your brother is being ridiculous. It's not like you're making only food his son can't eat. To the contrary, you've come up with a parallel meal to accommodate the boy's needs.

Your brother needs to teach his son that the entire world doesn't revolve around his particular circumstances and that there will sometimes be food available that he can't eat.

YANBU. My brother is allergic to dairy, growing up mum would make sure he had his own special portions if we were eating something with dairy in (for instance pudding at Christmas was always unlimited ice cream and he would have his own big selection of dairy free ice cream). Tbh I was always a bit jealous of his special portions (until I tasted them...) so don't see why it should be a problem for a child.

My OH is lactose intolerant and I know it can be a pain making sure things are lactose free (and I live somewhere where lactose free products are very common) and if you're buying premade then you are limited to what is available. Of course if you can find lactose/dairy free versions that don't cost more then that would be better as then its less work for you.

YANBU - if they would like everything dairy free they either stay at home or they host. As long as you make sure there is stuff he likes that is dairy free then I don't see the issue. I have no idea why people get so het up about 1 day of the year - and insisting the whole meal is DF is ridiculous.

It’s from a local bakery - and it is amazing. I collect it on Christmas Eve so it is supper fresh. It has to have a fridge almost of its own! But I love love it. We have been getting it for twenty years and I dread the year they close.

it’s quite boozy so most of the kids hate it. But the cherries are unbeatable

Blimey, @Bellyblueboy , I cannot believe the cheek of these people. They will feed their kid dairy when it suits them and have dairy in the house but YOU aren't allowed to. Instead of appreciating the huge amount of work and expense you go to they are demanding an inferior meal foisted upon everyone with more work for you? Definitely CFs over this.

Nope not at all. My DC was dairy free and other people still get to eat ice cream / cakes etc. I try to make sure there is always an alternative for him which OP is doing too.

@FMLWTF
Am I missing something? Christmas lunch is a turkey roast, right? What dairy products are there? We don’t have mashed potato at Christmas, just roast plus vegetables plus turkey and normal gravy. I don’t think there’s any milk
You're right, but depending on the person it can either be a milk heavy meal or not!
As in turkey's can come ready basted (usually milk), people stick butter and milk in mash potatoes, and butter their vegetables (which buttered vegetables to me is just baffling, just why lol)
Mark's and Spencer's ready made stuff is terrible for doing stuff like that, milks in most of their things.
Thank Gawd for their plant kitchen range now.

I have RTFT- Of course you are absolutely not BU. Your brother is a CF and can I come please?? 😂

I see your mum has said you need to be kind to the menz. Oh dear. She wants you to pander and golden child him like she did.

He and ‘Amy’ sound like bloody hard work.

'Careful mum, your clear favouritism is showing again. Brother brings NOTHING every year, doesn't lift a finger to help with preparations or clean up, and drinks all the expensive alcohol everyone else spends money on. And now he wants to dictate a meal plan that he fully admits he and his wife don't cater to in their own home. You back me or you host the meal, financially and labour-wise'

God I am so happy I’ve just had my husband and DD for the last three Christmas’s. Family can be stressful!

I agree that the turkey as the main even should be dairy free as that is very easy to do as well. A solo chicken breast would be a bit miserable.

Asking for every side dish to be dairy free is unreasonable, particularly when you are doing alternatives for him.

I wonder if you were so taken aback by the request, particularly as you host every year that you responded more forcefully than intended? Did you just outright say no or say well I will do xyz instead.

Parents are very focused on their kids and what they need and can sometimes miss the big picture. I am guilty of that sometimes.

Let them all cool down! It’s only September there will be time for several more arguments before christmas.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. He needs to learn that he can't eat everything. It sounds like you're providing a full Christmas dinner for him there will just be some things that he can't have which sadly is part of his life now! I can't eat dairy or gluten and I'm just happy if there's anything I can eat if I go to someone else's house to eat 😅

I can't work out if the posters saying @Bellyblueboy isn't planning on catering for her nephew can't read or are being obtuse.

These seem amazing and a few people have suggested them.

I don’t know if brother is aware. If I suggested them I would be the wicked witch from the west! Dressing the poor child because I am too lazy to cook a decent Christmas dinner!!!

but i do say that in jest - if it was my child I would absolutely try them.