To not make Christmas dinner dairy free??

[Bellyblueboy]

Very early I know! I cater Christmas dinner every year for my family. I am single and child free but I host for my parents, brother, sister and their families. My parents stay with me for a few nights. It’s a lot of work.

My nine year old nephew was diagnosed as lactose intolerant this year. So of course I will be researching this and making sure his starter, main and desert is lactose free. I even thought of putting little flags in bowls that are lactose free. I was going to order little flags with a picture of a cow crossed out! Make it fun.

my SIL has said it will be unfair if there is food on the table that he can’t eat so the whole meal has to be dairy free.

I order Black Forest gateau every year - my parents love it. Apparently no. He never eats it - I get kid friendly deserts for the four children.

I am a lazy cook - I get the whole meal from marks and Spencer! Prepared mash the lot. I am now told I can’t do this as there are milk products in the mashed and roast potatoes. It would be a huge amount of work to do everything from scratch, I don’t want that to be my Christmas Day and my cooking skills aren’t up to it.

I have said no - this is what I am doing. My brother is now annoyed that i won’t bend to his wife’s demands and have ruined Christmas. I had said he is welcome to come to my house and do the cooking, or host. Or eat at his house then come for coffee and presents. He has told on me! My mum is upset that she won’t have all her family round her at Christmas - dad was ill this year and they have been looking forward to a relaxing Christmas! Agh. It’s only September.

rant over. But honestly give it to me straight am I a selfish child hating spinster! Would you all accommodate this???

Why can’t his parents bring some diary free alternatives?

OP already does everything else and the least they can do is say we’ll make some separate mash to bring so you don’t have to try and find/make diary free alternatives.

YANBU OP.

You are kind enough to host and fund Christmas (3 days!) for your entire family every year.

You have found a system that works for you and allows you to enjoy it all - this includes buying most of the Christmas Dinner from M&S ready made. Ignore the pp suggesting that it would be easy to make it from scratch dairy free.

You are obviously a lovely Aunty who cares about her nephew and is committed to providing him with a great dairy free Christmas Day. So what on Earth is the problem? His own home is not completely dairy free and neither is his school or any of the cafes or restaurants he visits.

To me this is just another stick for your brother to beat you with. He freeloads every year. He grasses you up to your mum. He sounds like an absolute dickhead. And now he gets to play the victim and imply you don't care about your nephew.

Your message was perfect. Sounds like your family agree with you. Stick to your guns. Of course DBro will still come after his sulk - his kids will want to come and he won't want to pay for his own turkey.

Your Christmas Day sounds like hell. Do you have any time to relax at all?

And do something about your leaking Christmas dinner.

I suggest you actually read what OP was offering. She was happy to do dairy free roast potatoes for her nephew.

arethereanyleftatall

I have read the ops posts.
Realise that everything is prepared, but I still maintain a Christmas dinner shouldn’t contain dairy

Personally it takes me 20 minutes to prepare 3 versions of Christmas dinner for 4 people from scratch

Having helped mil with her M&S Ready prepared Christmas dinner every other year I think it takes similar time to prepare everything and more work during the cooking process to het the ready prepared version .
Lining an oven proof dish and oiling it and then opening the containers and emptying the contents into the various bowls and then having to be up and down as various items take different amounts of time to cook and at some point playing Jenga trying to get all the bowls in the oven at once.

I think it is sold as easy and quick but in reality it isn’t.

I do Christmas at mine because if I didn’t do it no one else would.

it might be a little selfish as it would just be me with the parents. I have brilliant relationships with my nieces and nephews. I love seeing them opening my gifts and I always organise something special for them - last year we had sparklers and small fireworks in the garden while the boring adults watched tv!!! All the work and expense was worth it for that one hour of just me and them in the back garden!!

the kids are getting older and soon they won’t want to come here for Christmas - there will be boyfriends and girlfriends and parties. So I am enjoying it while I can.

To me this is just another stick for your brother to beat you with. He freeloads every year. He grasses you up to your mum. He sounds like an absolute dickhead. And now he gets to play the victim and imply you don't care about your nephew.

Completely agree. You know they're being total hypocrites, OP. I'm wondering why you don't address this directly? You seem strangely acquiescent to how badly you're being treated by your family.

I am dairy free and cool Christmas for everyone… it still has lots of dairy!
Your Bro and SIL need to get a grip.

I personally think you are being more than accommodating and personally find Oatley cream to be the closest to the real deal.

OP is making him a dairy free Xmas dinner and lots of snacks and treats. She has said she's going to buy dairy free alternatives of milk and cream for hot chocolate. Where did you get the impression he wouldn't be able to eat anything?

This! He has got to learn now and quickly what he can and cannot eat and providing him with items he can eat and everyone else with adored favourites it’s absolutely fair and reasonable.

the parents are setting him up to fail at the moment by expecting everyone to cater but not to have to teach him

No. They can host and cook, you can go to them. If it all kicks off in advance, book yourself a solo holiday. You could probably do that for around the same cost as Christmas for a family.

Of course YANBU!

I would love to see you sil post on AIBU: 'although my sil has agreed to provide an entire lactose free Christmas dinner my lactose intolerant DS, she said she will also provide a standard Christmas dinner for the other 9 people that aren't lactose intolerant. AIBU to the expect that everyone should eat the same dairy free meal as my DS so he doesn't feel as though he is being deprived of anything?'

They are not doing him any favours here, they need to teach him to take responsibility for himself, and that the entire world will not bend to accommodate him. He is the anomaly. Nothing wrong with that, but it's not healthy for them to expect everyone else to deprive themselves for him. Good luck.

My FiL is coeliac and whilst I do pretty much most things gluten free, there are on odd occasions some bits he can’t eat - he always gets a full meal, but occasionally the odd side is not gluten free or I won’t force everyone to eat gluten free bread. He is absolutely fine with it and grateful that I’ve catered for him, he will offer to bring stuff if we need to do. (I do cook from scratch as I enjoy it, but gluten free is often more expensive with more eggs or gluten free pasta etc. and MiL is not known for her cooking skills so he appreciates the decent cooking!) I’ve never made him ill yet, but this isn’t even an allergy. He’s used to it.

You’re not being unreasonable and just let your brother and SiL get on with it. They are being unreasonable. They are responsible for their behaviour and if that means you don’t eat altogether that’s not your responsibility.

OP, YANBU at all!! You are clearly extremely considerate and generous!

The comment about being "ableist" is ludicrous. I have a very disabling illness plus various dietary restrictions, and I wouldn't mind the flag system at all. It is normal for me not to be able to eat all the things on the table. I would never expect other people to do without particular foods just because I can't eat them. That includes at Christmas.

It sounds as though you are handling the situation very well. I hope your brother and his wife stop being unreasonable!

Am I missing something? Christmas lunch is a turkey roast, right? What dairy products are there? We don’t have mashed potato at Christmas, just roast plus vegetables plus turkey and normal gravy. I don’t think there’s any milk.

🤔

That works for you.

OPs version works for her.

OPs DB can do a dinner at his that works for them if they wish.

What shouldn't happen is for others to tell the OP how she should do Xmas dinner. OP is not their employee.

she being totally unreasonable here. simular allergies in my family. we accomadate as much as we can. potatoes and veg are put into separate bowls get dairy free butter and milk. fir dessert dairy free ice cream plus loads of biscuits for her. her mother brings some food as well. she is well used to it and knows there are some foods she can't have

It sounds as if you have reached an excellent solution.

I had missed your brother's reply.

I wonder what there is to think about & whether or not the solution will involve any effort on the part of him & SIL!

I do think that he was wrong to tell your Mum & she unkind to put it back to you tbh.

Whatever decision he makes will be his & not yours!

He will have roast potatoes and mashed potatoes and vegetables and Turkey and gravy.

it just won’t all be from the same serving dishes as everyone else because the other stuff contains some dairy and his will be made specially for him without dairy.

the stuff he can’t eat at all is the stuff he doesn’t like - Black Forest gateau and cauliflower cheese.

I expect your DBros version of your conversation, when recounted to your mum, involved saying that you wouldn't make any changes and had told them not to come if they didn't like it. Clever of you to put it in your family chat so everyone can see your reasonable solution and his sulky response.

Your SIL and DB are entitled aren't they?
Christmas at yours under their rule?

Go ahead use the flags, explain it to your nephew, he'll be fine. Tell your SIL to bring a dessert as you have no idea, but get the black forest gateau for your patents.

Ready made mash doesn't all contain milk - check labels. My daughter is gluten intolerant and I find M&S is esp good at great tasting free from foods - you might even find a kids Christmas cake/dessert on line.

You've done nothing wrong, your DB and SIL are AHs. And now you know!

But your making double the work for yourself in the long run!

Whilst I don't believe in pandering to all their requests you are being slightly stubborn here but doubling the work. It is not difficult to find a turkey which isn't butter basted, it is not difficult to make mash potatoes and it's is not difficult to make roast potatoes or find different prepared ones without dairy.
Honestly it sounds like you don't want them as there are tonnes of alternatives out there just as straight forward (with the exception of mash) but m and s has a brilliant vegan and free from range.

Mum has sent a separate message saying I need to be kinder to my brother😖. That Christmas is the only time we all get together and it’s becoming tense.

I have said he can host if he feels this strongly. No answer.

I cannot believe your B and SIL don’t keep a dairy free house for their own child but expect you to do this. Providing separate food for him is evidently EXACTLY WHAT THEY DO EVERY DAY.

I also can’t believe that they turn up empty handed every year, or that your B went whining to your mum about how “selfish” you were to cater for your nephew but not in the specific way your SIL wanted, or that he’s now having a massive sulk and he’ll “have to think about” whether he wants to turn up for yet another completely cost free and effort free Xmas over at yours.

He is a w⚓️ and I reckon you’d have a better time with your DF, DM, your sister and her family. Even then, it’s way past time to get everyone contributing and joining in on the day.

Have their whole family gone dairy free and do they never have anything in the house that he can't eat?

Or is it just you that has to make the entire meal dairy free?!

Why are you hosting every year? Do they understand how much work it is?!

I'd have loved to have my Christmas dinner cooked for me every year and would have happily provided suitable alternatives for my children!

I hope they all pitch in with the washing up?