To not make Christmas dinner dairy free??

[Bellyblueboy]

Very early I know! I cater Christmas dinner every year for my family. I am single and child free but I host for my parents, brother, sister and their families. My parents stay with me for a few nights. It’s a lot of work.

My nine year old nephew was diagnosed as lactose intolerant this year. So of course I will be researching this and making sure his starter, main and desert is lactose free. I even thought of putting little flags in bowls that are lactose free. I was going to order little flags with a picture of a cow crossed out! Make it fun.

my SIL has said it will be unfair if there is food on the table that he can’t eat so the whole meal has to be dairy free.

I order Black Forest gateau every year - my parents love it. Apparently no. He never eats it - I get kid friendly deserts for the four children.

I am a lazy cook - I get the whole meal from marks and Spencer! Prepared mash the lot. I am now told I can’t do this as there are milk products in the mashed and roast potatoes. It would be a huge amount of work to do everything from scratch, I don’t want that to be my Christmas Day and my cooking skills aren’t up to it.

I have said no - this is what I am doing. My brother is now annoyed that i won’t bend to his wife’s demands and have ruined Christmas. I had said he is welcome to come to my house and do the cooking, or host. Or eat at his house then come for coffee and presents. He has told on me! My mum is upset that she won’t have all her family round her at Christmas - dad was ill this year and they have been looking forward to a relaxing Christmas! Agh. It’s only September.

rant over. But honestly give it to me straight am I a selfish child hating spinster! Would you all accommodate this???

Brother has replied

‘Amy and I need to think about this’

so I have said

that’s fine, let me know what you decide so I know how much food to order. I usually put the order in October so I can get a good collection slot.

YANBU.

He needs to grow up realising that there will be food around that he can't eat.
If your SIL is going to insist that everyone cater to him, she's going to make his life very difficult.

I'm honestly completely baffled by posters saying you're being unreasonable. I have 3 children, no food intolerances thankfully, but I do have one with additional needs. My family are brilliant but I would never expect them to have to modify things to suit my son's needs, that's up to me as his parent.

In your brother and sister in law's scenario I'd be eternally bloody grateful that someone was hosting Christmas and arrive with a bag of food that was suitable for my child.

WHAAAAAAATTTT!

The stench of entitlement is overwhelming

Honestly if his own parents don’t live by the standard they are trying to get you to adhere to then they have no room to talk.

I’d also be telling CF brother what contribution you expect him to bring this year if everyone else contributes.

And you look forward to them catering for everyone and what they do for a fully dairy free Christmas Day next year.

Yadnbu. You deserve a year off from the stress, see how the rest of them do having to organise it all. I have a feeling if it was you that had been diagnosed with an intolerance, they would not be accommodating at all!

What would be easier for you Op?

All dairy free or a combination?

Hell I like butter & milk in mash but I'm an adult & for the sake of one child & one meal so he could be totally included I could easily go without!

Good reply back to them.

They thought they could bully you into it and probably are surprised now that it might mean they miss out on a free Christmas meal if they stick to their 'rules' they tried to impose on you.

I'm a vegetarian, so I get dietary stuff can be limiting.

But they just have to suck it up. It's one meal, it's someone else's hospitality. They don't get to dictate your menu.

It sounds like he has enough to eat- I don't think the whole menu should be overhauled to suit one person.

Your SIL is an entitled twat, and your brother doesn't sound much better. I'm sure your nephew could care less - he'll be having presents and sweets and everything will be great- I don't know any nine year old who would feel their Christmas is ruined because they had to eat separate potatoes.

You are so amazing for hosting this every single year. I think your plans to accommodate your nephew are fine and your brother is being ridiculous.

They are complete cfs! You give them a free meal, stress free day of drinking eating and watching tv and they don't lift a finger? Sod that! As long as nephew can eat what he is given they should be grateful of you going above and beyond while they are freeloading.

I've got the solution.

Disinvite SIL & DB (clearly too stressful for them) & just have the kids over. I bet the kids would be delighted

So he can't even have roast potatoes with his Christmas dinner?!
YABU, that's crap.
Aa someone who is allergic to milk I know how shit it is to be invited somewhere for dinner and they're like "no, I'm doing it, you're alright!"
Then you get there and there' nothing you can bloody eat as even the vegetables have sodding butter on, or they've even bought in cranberry sauce which has milk in and you're left with just a few slices of milk.
In the age of so many dairy free alternatives available, I honestly don't get how hard it is for some to get their head round no milk or cry at the thought of a dairy free one.
It's like they're fucking obsessed with milk, goes in everything lol.
If they're coming g round for Christmas dinner it's pretty miserable if they can't eat much of it.
YABU

You are not being unreasonable.
You are not unkind.
You are not being awkward.
You are not ‘ableist’ ( what a ridiculous comment)

You have been thoughtful and accommodating.

You are considering everyone in the best way.

I for one would not be changing the meal for 7 people because one has an intolerance - they have to learn that life’s not like that.( Speaking as someone with an intolerance. )

’Amy and I need to think about this’ is just bullying behaviour and don’t give it the oxygen, his next step will to be to get your mum to call you in tears etc. He sounds like an entitled prat.

I mean, how much milk products are there in a Christmas dinner anyway? I can only think of bread sauce with the goose or turkey, brandy sauce with the pudding and the cheese platter. All of which can be easily avoided.

Few slices of turkey not milk! 🙄😂

I think you're being brilliant OP! Well done

Just to let you know, I think Chilli Doritos are milk free 😀

M&S do vegan mash and roasties (Plant Kitchen).

Oh OP, this was a great opportunity for you to make some changes.

All that will happen is DB and SIL will decide to come and act even more entitled and put upon.

This was a golden opportunity to tell them as your hosting doesn’t suit maybe it would be best they have their own dairy free Christmas at their own home.

Why do you feel so obliged to give them a Christmas?

I wish I had a family member like you!

I actually think it’s a bit of a piss take that they all come to you and expect you to cook everything!

Surely it would work out easier if you as just 1 person went to someone else’s home.

At the very least they should be providing most of the food and preparing it, if you are allowing them all in your home.

I would try and buy things that don’t contain diary if you can but I wouldn’t have the whole thing diary free.
I would tell them that they’ll need to bring their own potatoes etc as yours has diary in.

You are already doing more than enough and they are taking the absolute piss if they expect you to do even more work.
They need to be providing some things themselves.

RTFT

Wow op, that's ridiculous response from them.

You sound like an amazingly attentive auntie. Kind, thoughtful and fun.

They need to get a grip and stop being hypocrites.

You are being perfectly reasonable, without question.

the dairy free meal Would be silly to be honest. My dad loves cauliflower cheese - my nephew hates it so it will be dairy. My mum loves the M&S mash with extra cream and butter. My nephew really only has a spoonful of mash and mainly roasties (because they are like chips!.) easy to just make individual portions for him rather than everyone suffer through no dairy alternatives (which lets be honest aren’t as nice).

i already do a kids starter - the adult one is very seafood heavy and I am not even sure if it has dairy. Depends what marks are doing this year!!!

we have warmed mini mince pies with brandy cream on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day - I was just going to have some dairy free cream in the fridge incase nephew wants some but the kids don’t really like mince pies or Christmas pudding. I have berries and cream usually for them - again I can make some of the cream dairy free but it doesn’t all need to be.

dad and some other guests drinks Irish coffees at Christmas - I don’t offer theses to the kids😂😂.

You are being more than accommodating OP. Your brother and his wife are very entitled so maybe a year eating at home for them wouldn't be such a bad thing. However they'll end up at yours! They will soon realise the work and expense that would be theirs otherwise