To not make Christmas dinner dairy free??

[Bellyblueboy]

Very early I know! I cater Christmas dinner every year for my family. I am single and child free but I host for my parents, brother, sister and their families. My parents stay with me for a few nights. It’s a lot of work.

My nine year old nephew was diagnosed as lactose intolerant this year. So of course I will be researching this and making sure his starter, main and desert is lactose free. I even thought of putting little flags in bowls that are lactose free. I was going to order little flags with a picture of a cow crossed out! Make it fun.

my SIL has said it will be unfair if there is food on the table that he can’t eat so the whole meal has to be dairy free.

I order Black Forest gateau every year - my parents love it. Apparently no. He never eats it - I get kid friendly deserts for the four children.

I am a lazy cook - I get the whole meal from marks and Spencer! Prepared mash the lot. I am now told I can’t do this as there are milk products in the mashed and roast potatoes. It would be a huge amount of work to do everything from scratch, I don’t want that to be my Christmas Day and my cooking skills aren’t up to it.

I have said no - this is what I am doing. My brother is now annoyed that i won’t bend to his wife’s demands and have ruined Christmas. I had said he is welcome to come to my house and do the cooking, or host. Or eat at his house then come for coffee and presents. He has told on me! My mum is upset that she won’t have all her family round her at Christmas - dad was ill this year and they have been looking forward to a relaxing Christmas! Agh. It’s only September.

rant over. But honestly give it to me straight am I a selfish child hating spinster! Would you all accommodate this???

Stand your ground@Bellyblueboy .
This isn’t just about lactose free, it’s a power play. Your brother has found a way to centre his parents and siblings on his own family on Christmas Day and he’s going to use it.

As a host you are being more than accommodating.

This thread is why a lot of people (women in particular) are put upon with no boundaries.

Why should you host every year when no others offer?

Why should you cook everything from scratch with no ingredients added that you want even though you will provide alternatives?

This is not your JOB. You are not obligated to do a completely different meal just because others think they can browbeat you into it and quite frankly you might enjoy a smaller Christmas meal without all the added effort.

Good for you for putting boundaries up. I find that when you do that selfish people tend to look for some other mug to put upon.

They should bring some dishes their son loves and the problem is sorted.

It's an intolerance not an allergy. There is probably some amount of dairy he can tolerate. I'm lactose intolerant and some butter on something is not going to bother me at all. But I'm going to skip anything with cream as the side effects aren't worth it.

I think if there are enough alternatives so he has a nice dinner that'll be fine. He'll have to learn to navigate a dairy filled world anyway.

Exactly.
And you can guarantee if you were a single man the family would all be in the kitchen helping you!

YANBU. What you were intending to do him (flags included!) was perfect and your response to your brother and SIL was also perfect. How ridiculous to make the whole meal diary free and ruin other people's enjoyment of Christmas. As others have said, he'll have to go through his whole life getting used to not being able to eat what others is. It will just have to become the norm for him. They can absolutely host if they want it all dairy free!

CFs! And your brother brings nothing?! They can plate up and bring his meal and lactose free chocolate for him. Dear me.

Honestly there is no grief about his condition.

he gets a sore tummy and smelly farts if he eats too much cheese. He is not ill, there is no life limiting or terminal condition here. He isn’t that bothered - apart from Doritos, McDonald ice cream and Nutella. School caters for him, even pizza restaurants - although he says the lactose free pizzas taste like vomit!

some of the food is awful - some lovely.

I just cannot understand why you are hosting year after? Stop it!

Plenty of notice to tell them all now that you’re not hosting this year, so they can decide what they do.

They sound so selfish, I wouldn’t be surprised if they arranged something and didn’t invite you.

Don’t you have friends you could travel to visit? Or go on holiday?

YANBU not to want to cater and they ANBU in not wanting to come. Your parents will just have to get used to a different Christmas format.

I actually don't get how you got suckered in to doing all the work for everyone else.

You need to assign dish responsibilities to others and demand that others help with the putting together/clean up. Or they can host if they think their demands upon you are reasonable.

As for your nephew: his own home isn't dairy free. His own parents and siblings continue to eat dairy while serving him different items. They are completely unreasonable for expecting you to do it differently than they are doing themselves.

Like someone said upthread and you agreed, your brother would absolutely kick off if you announced you were now alcohol free so everyone would have to be alcohol free at your home on the holidays.

Strengthen your backbone, stand up for yourself, and tell your parents/siblings/adults coming that more help and contributions on their parts are required for you to continue hosting and that unreasonable demands like your brother's will not be entertained.

Your sil and brother are bonkers and I say that as the parent of a Dc with coeliac disease.

It is standard for there to be food on the table or certain dishes she can’t eat. If there is stuff there she can eat which has been done especially for her then I am super grateful. I’d check with the host beforehand and offer to bring stuff. For some people I wouldn’t trust their understanding of food prep and would take stuff anyway!

Even when I’m hosting myself or doing Xmas dinner there will be some stuff she can’t eat and some stuff she can. I do gf Yorkshire puddings and normal ones. All the stuffing is gluten as she doesn’t like it anyway. If my coeliac sil was coming I’d do gf stuffing as she does like it.

Your nephew needs to get used to the fact he can’t eat everything others can, he has a lifetime of this. Your SIL and brother can’t hide lactose containing food away from him for ever. For a start he needs to get used to asking what’s ok and what isn’t and checking for himself.

o one really helps. They are preoccupied with kids and tv and opening drinks.

FFS. Seriously, give them all jobs to do, including the kids.

Or ditch the whole thing because it sounds like you don't enjoy it, it stresses you out and they are a bunch of selfish fuckers.

Gosh, I can see why they all want to go to yours! I'm drooling.

But it isn't fair to you, you need to deputise quite a lot of things - you're providing the venue, the kitchen, the breakfast and the meat. Start thinking about what the others can bring.

Well, if the boy's own parents haven't gone dairy free in their own house, and feed him stuff with lactose in, then my conclusion is that they are using his intolerance for attention - to make themselves the centre of the Christmas you pay for and cater for, and to which they contribute nothing but insults. I am sure they are enjoying having another stick to beat you with, on top of being a cold hearted, child free, career driven uber bitch - who is so horrible that she creates this fantastic sounding celebration for everyone and is a fantastic auntie to their child.

Your enabler parents are not innocent in this. Treating you like the skivvy and letting golden balls exploit your generosity. Sack the fucking lot of them off and book Christmas in the Caribbean.

Christmas is the time of year when fridges are absolutely bursting and shopping last minute is hell on earth.
Oven space is at a premium too ... having had our main oven fail part way through Christmas dinner i know exactly how troublesome that was.
Having lactose free options will be a pain in the arse with a bursting fridge. Prepping some stuffing advance might work but it's an extra burden on someone doing a family dinner. The parents could be asked to come and assist with neal preparation and serving perhaps.

Christmas family dinner is often an excuse to be lazy with someone else doing all the hard work.

COVID was wonderful for limiting the number of people around a table. Did your family resume huge family Christmas dinner from before or is it all post COVID.

he has special school meals and my sister and brother in law still eat dairy - it isn’t banned in his house

Wow, total cheeky fuckers they are, aren’t they?

100% YANBU. As long as he is catered for, you do not have to make the entire meal dairy free. The sense of entitlement is shocking. SIL can't stop others from eating what they want just because her son can't eat it.

Of course it is hard on him for a while, but he can't go through the rest of his life dictating that everyone else eats the same as him.

Your SIL needs to get a grip and deal with it.

Perhaps they could cater Boxing Day and then they can serve the food that they want

So I'm lactose intolerant and when having Christmas dinner with my in laws, there are also a couple of vegans.

My partners aunt just labelled all dishes vegan/non vegan. We have different gravy potatoes, stuffing and desserts but we all knew what we could have.

This worked really well and didn't create too much extra work. No need to change the whole meal and what you are doing sounds great.

They have other options if they don't like this.

It's been said before, but your brother, and wife, are throwing their toys out of the pram because you wont be stricter about their sons intolerance than they are - its absolutely ridiculous! I would just do what you suggested and have both available with little flags so its very obvious what is df and what isnt and then if db and sil dont like it, then they can start making their own dinners! Complete CF (which in my mind doesnt stand for cheeky...)

Absolutely ridiculous. You have done nothing wrong. You planned to accommodate his lactose allergy with thought and kindness. SIL & brother are being completely unreasonable. Your mother’s reaction is unhelpful too. Eye roll.

@Bellyblueboy you are too nice. that's your real problem. if you brother continues to behave like a spoilt brat I suggest you come down with covid on Xmas and become completely unable to host Xmas.

@Straightomyhead and anyone else saying it's not a lot of extra work should offer to host this year.

Sounds like it's her turn to cook.

I feel really sorry for you here. I say this as a person with a larger house (actually not house just a big table) who does the Christmas dinner every bloody year. My son is now coeliac and I'll cater for him but will still do some bits like the stuffing he can't have as he doesn't eat it anyway so why bother making that gluten free?
If his own parents have dairy at their house then there's no argument. You'll feed him and feed him well but there will be stuff with dairy in for others. I think that's totally fair. Unlike the fact you have to cook it all. I really feel for you