To not make Christmas dinner dairy free??

[Bellyblueboy]

Very early I know! I cater Christmas dinner every year for my family. I am single and child free but I host for my parents, brother, sister and their families. My parents stay with me for a few nights. It’s a lot of work.

My nine year old nephew was diagnosed as lactose intolerant this year. So of course I will be researching this and making sure his starter, main and desert is lactose free. I even thought of putting little flags in bowls that are lactose free. I was going to order little flags with a picture of a cow crossed out! Make it fun.

my SIL has said it will be unfair if there is food on the table that he can’t eat so the whole meal has to be dairy free.

I order Black Forest gateau every year - my parents love it. Apparently no. He never eats it - I get kid friendly deserts for the four children.

I am a lazy cook - I get the whole meal from marks and Spencer! Prepared mash the lot. I am now told I can’t do this as there are milk products in the mashed and roast potatoes. It would be a huge amount of work to do everything from scratch, I don’t want that to be my Christmas Day and my cooking skills aren’t up to it.

I have said no - this is what I am doing. My brother is now annoyed that i won’t bend to his wife’s demands and have ruined Christmas. I had said he is welcome to come to my house and do the cooking, or host. Or eat at his house then come for coffee and presents. He has told on me! My mum is upset that she won’t have all her family round her at Christmas - dad was ill this year and they have been looking forward to a relaxing Christmas! Agh. It’s only September.

rant over. But honestly give it to me straight am I a selfish child hating spinster! Would you all accommodate this???

How come there are milk products in roast potatoes??

I’d just make some - they’re really no big deal, and (properly) home made just out of the oven are the best!

'I started doing it years ago and the tradition has stuck.'

This is precisely why you are right to make your boundaries clear with this Christmas as per your WhatsApp.

If they come back with anything remotely entitled, counter back with calling them out on their atrocious hypocrisy.

These M&S pre-prepared roast potatoes are dairy free btw.

Your sister is nuts! I have a child with a severe intolerance. I take her food to others’ houses or adapt what they are doing. In a family scenario I help make a dairy free mash etc but she accepts, as people with food differences must, that she will often be different. Your sister is in clod cuckoo land. My daughter knows no different as she has no memory of eating it, but butter milk cream yogurt bring a special flavour and mouthfeel to food that cannot be replicated. We don’t eat DF at home; we adapt for her. Fairness does not equal the same.

a parent at school once said her vegan child needed 2/3 options at lunch ‘to be like The other kids’. Optionally vegan family! The outright cheek of these kinds of people give anyone with a food need a bad name. Most of us are just grateful if someone caters to that need at all.

OP was suggesting she would make some at home - for the nephew. She just doesn't have a capacity to do it for the 10 or so people.

I am struggling to see why a dairy free Christmas dinner is different to a normal Christmas dinner.
It is turkey, basted in its own juices, roast potatoes and root veg done in oil, vegetables and gravy

I cater for a meat eater, a vegetarian and 2 vegans

Was coming on to say exactly this

I was thinking they were unreasonable but you are right, not being able to have the spuds would mean a ruined Christmas dinner for me.

Maybe they could agree to bring the roast potatoes and mash?

I wouldn't be adding anything bar goose fat, but I'd be making them from scratch. OP buys hers pre-prepared, and (certainly the M&S ones) are marked as containing lactose as they have some butter in them.

Ffs, at least read the ops posts.

OP buys in pre made, as I would. Personally I pop some butter on them but you dont have to

The ingredients dont show any lactose but equally they are not labelled lactose free.

OP you aren’t being unreasonable at all. There are some strange comments on here!

I would also ask your DB to bring some wine this year closer to the time. A message a few days before saying I’m a bit short on white and champagne, DB please could you bring a case should do it.

You are definitely NBU! The request to make the entire meal dairy free is ridiculous.
My son had a cows milk protein allergy as an infant and if he has too much dairy now it can upset his tummy but I didn’t stop the household having dairy or deny his sibling things like ice creams etc and I certainly didn’t ask family to completely change Xmas dinner for him. We could dish up his dinner and give him what was appropriate.
Also, butter has minimal lactose in it and it’s not like he has to eat it if you’re giving alternatives for him. It’s not like you’re serving everyone a roast and he’s got to eat lasagne, he’s getting pretty much the same Xmas dinner.
They sound rude and don’t seem to appreciate the efforts you go to every year.

This is so unnecessarily ridiculous.

Your nephew gets a dairy free version of Xmas dinner.

Everyone else gets a normal Xmas dinner.

I'm sure you'll provide dairy free versions of other snacky bits/puddings etc.

Your SIL is completely unreasonable. I take it her entire house is now dairy free to make 'it fair'?

They're not setting their son up very well for life. When he's grown he will have to learn that the world will not always cater for him and his needs and unfortunately it's his responsibility to manage his intolerance. The world won't always bend for you. Ridiculous considering there are diary free versions of almost everything out there now which are highly accessible. And the fact that you are going to cater for his intolerance.

What else are they expecting? An entire Xmas dinner for a dozen other people who are not dairy free is beyond ridiculous.

You're absolutely not being unreasonable, most of Xmas dinner can thankfully be made Dairy free, just make sure to have separate spoons for serving and maybe buy a dairy free mash. Most preready roast potatoes should be dairy free.
We have dairy allergies in my family and it's actually the family member who hosts us who has dairy allergies in their family and even they don't make all dishes for their kids df.
Your SIL is being very unreasonable. Some df ice cream and and chocolate sauce and the kid won't even know the difference!

Reading this as an outsider, your family sound very entitled and as if they are taking you for granted. It’s a huge amount of work and expense every year for the same 1 person to cater to 2 outside households comprising 6 people (a couple + a family of 4).

Do you get a lot of catered hospitality from them in return?

I wonder if you can take this as an opportunity to hand over the reins. I wouldn’t make it all about your nephew’s intolerances, but I’d maybe say that with the cost of living/deadlines at work/any other external factor it is getting too much to do all the catering single-handedly every year and you want to change the set-up.

Maybe say you’d be happy to host at yours but do more pot-luck where everyone takes a dish with your brother doing the mains and puds, your parents the starters and you the crackers/coffee/drinks/nibbles/chocolates?

There will be push-back because the current set-up suits everyone else so well. But, if it doesn’t suit you, you’re allowed to say so.

my brother does have a bit of sibling rivalry going on - and puts me down as much as he can. Subtly. His wife tolerates me - always little digs about the cold hearted career woman😂. But I love their boys and ignore it all.

I think this year will be the last year for Christmas at my house.

my sister has come into the WhatsApp group to say they are coming and she will do a dairy free kids desert. Unfortunately my oldest nephew is in the WhatsApp group and he has now posted a vomiting emoji😂. I have told him at 16 he can eat the adult deserts.

I was thinking they were unreasonable but you are right, not being able to have the spuds would mean a ruined Christmas dinner for me.

Did you read the OP's posts? Including the one where she said about her plans to make suitable roast and mash potatoes for him that don't contain dairy?

He’s old enough to know what he can and can’t have at 9 . I’m just wondering if it’s your SIL that’s making a big deal out of it since this will be his first Xmas being dairy free . Are they sure it’s lactose and not CMPA .

Multiple allergies in our house and I think what your offering is completely reasonable !

a parent at school once said her vegan child needed 2/3 options at lunch ‘to be like The other kids’. Optionally vegan family! The outright cheek of these kinds of people give anyone with a food need a bad name. Most of us are just grateful if someone caters to that need at all

Actually they need to make more vegan stuff as that is the stuff to go first .

Ds went hungry quite a few days as when it came to his turn there was no vegan food left. You had to be in the first group in the lunch queue first to get anything.

I think you are more than reasonable to provide a tailored meal for him. Absolutely don't change the rest of the planned food, especially as his family has dairy on a day to day basis. Do you pay for everything every year and do all the work?! This seems so unfair!
Don't focus on the few comments attacking you on here and take heart from the poll results. I would stick to your original plan and leave it with them to find their own solutions.

It speaks volumes of the perforation nature of this, doesn't it. His intolerance is desperately important when other ppl are around but not so much when they aren't - like it's something to show off about. Bet he & his siblings are sick of it. Some parents just love their kids being a little bit different so they can tell everyone

OP you sound like a fabulous Aunty & Christmas at your house sounds AWESOME! Your nephew will have a blast (hopefully not physically & at least not in your loo)

As an aside - all the 'roasties with goose fat' crowd are showing their classism. It's more normal to have butter or even veg oil for us working class folk. Goose fat is a luxury

Why are you all having Christmas dinner together?

There's bigger problems here than one child's dietary requirements

YANBU at all. You're making a dairy-free meal for your nephew; so he won't be missing out, he'll be getting an adapted version of what everyone else is eating. There is absolutely no need to make everything dairy free. Your nephew is going to have to get used to making wise food choices and not being able to eat absolutely everything. I don't think there's anything wrong with your idea of little flags to identify dairy free options either. I've seen this loads at catered events.

What you planned for him sounds lovely. They are being ridiculous. Don’t inflict dairy free mash on everyone else, it’s not the same.