How hard can it be to just get fucking married?

[RatRatWhine]

Buckle up, it’s a long one.

My partner and I have been engaged for more than a decade but haven’t got round to getting married, largely due to the logistics of organising a wedding. My family is extremely large and rather complex (more on this later) and his is on the other side of the world.

A couple of years ago his mum announced she was visiting us for the first time ever and we seized on the opportunity to book a v simple registry office number, with a mum each, a sister each and our then-baby daughter. Various siblings of mine were put out not to be invited but could understand because it matched my partner’s family presence. Perfect. Or would have been, but covid meant it was cancelled.

Last weekend we decided we would book a v small registry office ceremony in the spring and have a larger, informal party with friends to celebrate later in the summer to tie in with my partner’s big birthday - a party, but not particularly wedding-y. And when we next saw my family we would tell them and have a couple of bottles of champagne but no need to make a big deal. Lovely, and we could get on with being married, which to me is the important bit.

However my partner’s family has now decided they’d all like to come from Australia for one or other of the events. This is amazing for my partner but massively changes the scale of plans since if his whole family is there I will need to invite my whole family and everything very quickly spirals into an unmanageably large and expensive affair.

For context, our main plan next year is to renovate our house, which desperately needs doing and will be a huge drain on our finances.

For further context, my family are all lovely people but there are a lot of them. My parents are each on their third marriage and I am close to their previous partners. By the time I’ve got through parents, steps and new partners I’m at 7 people. Siblings, partners, and niblings is another 17. Just inviting some risks really hurting the feelings of others, which I don’t want to do. And that’s before we get to aunts, uncles and cousins, or friends.

So if his family comes for the ceremony and we invite my immediate family to that, I’m stuck with a 40-person wedding that I never really wanted, which will inevitably expand to include flowers, photography, catering, and a bunch of expense that’s probably better spent on the house. We’re in london so affordable options are pretty limited.

If they come for the party, it’s going to end up being a fancier affair than we’d envisaged, since people are travelling from the other side of the world for it, and again it all ends up being more of a “wedding” than I wanted or can probably afford next year.

I love them all and I know in the bigger picture this is a positive problem but AIBU to just want to scream? All I want to do is get married to my partner, but doing it in a manageable way just feels impossible.

In England you are also married by a Registrar. If you want me to be pedantic,"civil" ceremony is something completely different,used to be just for same sex couples, now different sex couples have demanded a civil partnership as well.

You can obtain special permission for the registrar to conduct a marriage ceremony elsewhere,in England. My late father got married at home a few weeks before he died,and I have known people get married in hospital for the same reason.

If you've been engaged for a decade surely it won't come as a surprise to them that you want to just get married.

"Civil ceremony" does not mean what you say. A civil ceremony has always been the alternative to a religious ceremony.

@NatashaDancing you are correct. We had a civil ceremony, i am a woman and DH is a man!

Thank you. Same here Nannyfannybanny is confusing "civil partnership" and "marriage". The 2 are different but as you say a man and a woman always had the option of a civil ceremony or a religious ceremony.

Get married in the registry office you originally planned and post a photo on your social media. Job done!
They’re at the other side of the world, who cares if they’re pissed off. Please yourself and your husband. You don’t owe anyone a ‘big day’ if you don’t even want the big day yourself.

Ignore the family.

If you have kids this is a really important legal protection.

Party is irrelevant.

Elope. Pick anywhere in the world and incorporate it into a holiday away and get married just the 2 of you with some witnesses who can be staff, guests at the hotel.

YANBU Just go and do the Registry Office thing, just the two of you and a couple of witnesses and let any future party just be a party of any kind you designate.
It will be hard getting a whole extended family to come over from Australia.

There is absolutely no need to turn this in to a drama. Get married in a registry office and see your families as and when they come over, toast it with champagne.

Elope we did it, Millbrook estate in Devon

Book the Registry office wedding with just witnesses.
Tell everyone else that you would like them to give you the reception as the wedding gift and to let them know when and where it is.
Job done.

You just need to be assertive and stick to your decision. In your shoes, I'd book a small registry do for a year's time with whoever's you want (like you had) and do then book the party for immediately afterwards and invite the people you want there. If people cant make it, that's just hard cheese, you cant keep moving it on. You will never be able to suit everybody. And if you cant afford everybody then the only dilemma is who you invite, not how you change your wedding to accommodate loads of people (who may well drop out nearer the time due to babies and other life stuff)

My husband and I were witnesses to the marriage of some friends, they paid £70, (£35 each) to give their notice of marriage and £46 for the 15 mins tops ceremony, both at the Register Office and £11 for their marriage certificate. £127 spent in total, a few months later they had a party where they announced they were married. They too had large complicated families, no one was upset or disappointed.

If you've managed this long without being
married, why bother? Just skip all the angst and don't do it, and focus on your house?

If it was that important to you, you'd have done it by now, you really would.

We just eloped for similar reasons. I would highly recommend it.

If you want to you can just have a party/barn dance/picnic in a field.

The cost of bigger weddings is insane!

Haven't read previous comments but I say just go for it. My family is huge. My husband's is small and messy. We booked a registry office with just one friend each as a witness and told everyone we'd meet them in the pub after. Lots of people came but bought their own drinks and I didn't have to arrange anything! You do you... deal with the fall out after.

My relative got married in a registery office as did I, years before. Just a couple of friends to witness mine and she had her parents and siblings, other set of parents live abroad. It was lovely, we went for a modest meal afterwards and they had a night in a local bridal suite.
They had a huge reception later on in the year in the home country of the other parents. It's really not hard.

Wedding at the registers office as planned.

Big family party for your husbands birthday with his family as it's his party, mutual friends and as many of your family who are very close to him.

You can have a simple party spending as much or as little as you'd like.

I'm guessing dp wants his family there as they have never come over. It doesn't have to be pricey. Go registery office, no flowers or photographer. Hire church hall for reception and do something simple for food.

Look at Holiday Inn, they do a good, very reasonable, all inclusive package and your Aussie guests can stay over.

What does your DP want OP? How often does your DP see his family?

If my DP wanted his family there I'd go along with it tbh. Being the other side of the world means that he's missing a LOT of family time and special events. It sounds like a great opportunity to get everyone together.

Can you just scale back your plans as in a less fancy venue etc? 40 people isn't that many and of course doesn't mean you need more flowers/a photographer.

Have a small wedding here, minimal guests.
Or go to Vegas. Then go to see his relatives and let them put on a party if they want a party.

Same with your relatives at this end. Tell them after the fact and if they want a bash they can organise you a surprise party or take you out for dinner.

No I haven't confused anything. A wedding or marriage regardless of church or register office is taking of vows, the civil is just making a contract.