How hard can it be to just get fucking married?

[RatRatWhine]

Buckle up, it’s a long one.

My partner and I have been engaged for more than a decade but haven’t got round to getting married, largely due to the logistics of organising a wedding. My family is extremely large and rather complex (more on this later) and his is on the other side of the world.

A couple of years ago his mum announced she was visiting us for the first time ever and we seized on the opportunity to book a v simple registry office number, with a mum each, a sister each and our then-baby daughter. Various siblings of mine were put out not to be invited but could understand because it matched my partner’s family presence. Perfect. Or would have been, but covid meant it was cancelled.

Last weekend we decided we would book a v small registry office ceremony in the spring and have a larger, informal party with friends to celebrate later in the summer to tie in with my partner’s big birthday - a party, but not particularly wedding-y. And when we next saw my family we would tell them and have a couple of bottles of champagne but no need to make a big deal. Lovely, and we could get on with being married, which to me is the important bit.

However my partner’s family has now decided they’d all like to come from Australia for one or other of the events. This is amazing for my partner but massively changes the scale of plans since if his whole family is there I will need to invite my whole family and everything very quickly spirals into an unmanageably large and expensive affair.

For context, our main plan next year is to renovate our house, which desperately needs doing and will be a huge drain on our finances.

For further context, my family are all lovely people but there are a lot of them. My parents are each on their third marriage and I am close to their previous partners. By the time I’ve got through parents, steps and new partners I’m at 7 people. Siblings, partners, and niblings is another 17. Just inviting some risks really hurting the feelings of others, which I don’t want to do. And that’s before we get to aunts, uncles and cousins, or friends.

So if his family comes for the ceremony and we invite my immediate family to that, I’m stuck with a 40-person wedding that I never really wanted, which will inevitably expand to include flowers, photography, catering, and a bunch of expense that’s probably better spent on the house. We’re in london so affordable options are pretty limited.

If they come for the party, it’s going to end up being a fancier affair than we’d envisaged, since people are travelling from the other side of the world for it, and again it all ends up being more of a “wedding” than I wanted or can probably afford next year.

I love them all and I know in the bigger picture this is a positive problem but AIBU to just want to scream? All I want to do is get married to my partner, but doing it in a manageable way just feels impossible.

So his parents are coming over from Australia to see a wedding and you want to prevent them being there?

Strange!

Assuming no actual fallout and they have not booked just say the small ceremony will be for parents only (and siblings if a few of them) then pub after for wider group. People can book flights with that knowledge.

If a huge group were coming over to see you you'd expect to do sone hosting anyway even if no marriage.

I can't imagine denying my parents the chance to see a wedding (again assuming no fallout) just as it's a bit more hassle. It doesn't need to be everyone, only your parents and maybe siblings really care about seeing it.

Weddings can be as expensive, or inexpensive, as you chose. Nobody is forcing a big expensive reception on you .. people just want to celebrate your happy news, and you can do that as easily in a function room at the local cricket club, as a stately home.
You are overthinking (and over planning) the whole thing.
When my bro got married they went to the registry office with just parents, then the next day they had a party .. a Humanist celebrant cake along, so we still saw them making some vows, then we all sat outside and had a BBQ.
There are loads of less expensive options when you move away from “traditional” wedding

Have them all come for the party, that's the cheaper option. Function hall, basic decorations, buffet, cases of water, juice, beer, wine, cake & music. Ask family to help with individually selected small tasks. Might dad book the hall, mum pay for drinks, a step-mum or aunt arrange decorations or cakes?

Registry office wedding - just have two non family witnesses to keep things neutral and then just hire a big house one weekend to celebrate (maybe at your one year anniversary) and invite everyone to that

Elope. Party later. 40 isn't that many anyway.

You can do it cheaply - registry office often accepts a certain number of guests and then put on a more casual style meal. We hired out a room at a Chinese buffet, and we paid for one drink, after that people bought their own. It only cost about 2k. I was lucky to know someone who was building up a portfolio as a professional photographer so she did our official photos. There wasn't a disco or anything but it was enjoyable, memorable and didn't break the bank.

DP and I are nearly in the same boat, a loss of job, an eviction and covid scuppered all our plans to be married by '21. We're now on a race against time as FILs health is deteriorating and dP wants him there to see him get married.

Do what you and your DP want to do is all I can say, invite the people you had in mind originally and have the wedding you want.

Good luck.

You, partner and child go off for a weekend just before big birthday party to Gretna Green and come back married. Announce it at the party.

Thanks for all the responses! I’m impressed anyone bothered to read that far.

One thing about all this is that my partner’s family has never come over, let alone en masse, so if they are offering to that’s very special indeed to him and not something I want to get in the way of just because my family’s a bit of a mess.

Stop putting your birth families first on this one. Get married low key with your birth parents present. Job done. Have a blessing and a party some other time if you want. Pick a date do, it, and the others either come or they don't. Suspect you've become a people pleaser by having such large extended family, but it's holding you back now. Time to let go and crack on with it.

I would elope and come home to do an evening do/bday party with relatives and friends. It’s what dh and I did.

But it fits with your plans
"It would be lovely to see you for Daves big birthday, he will be made up to see you and it will make it very special".
Doesn't have to be more fancy, surely the fact that they are there is enough?
I think you are overthinking it

Just elope. We went up to Gretna on our own mainly for ease and booked the whole wedding package (which included everything from the service, photographer, food, hotel stay, piper etc). It took me 19 minutes to book the whole thing and their team answered immediately.

Honestly? I’ve found it more challenging to book a GP appointment.

We had a fab day and have been happily married for years. Some family members were pissed off but oh well. They got over it.

40 guests isn’t a big wedding, I thought you were going say 200!

if you want a family wedding look just outside of London, loads of hotels to do it all in. They will do ceremony, if you don’t want a family wedding your fiancé needs to speak to his family pronto.

I would do a small registry office ceremony as you originally planned and hire a hall for a big party straight afterwards. BYOB is very popular at the moment and seems to go down well with everyone. For food, a buffet or order in fish and chips/pizza/whatever you like. You rightly say that the marriage is the important part. You and your partners family will be thrilled you're getting married and won't care about the frills of a traditional wedding.

Or just elope 🤣

You’re getting caught in a spiral.
Do the marriage at the registry. Do it in a week.
Done.
Then just plan a party/family reunion type affair invite everyone with the provision that the dates are the dates and if anyone can’t make it too bad, see you next time.
Stop with the feeling you have to impress anyone or make it a huge elaborate affair because his family is coming from Australia.
The most important thing is family…people…not where you meet up to celebrate. It can be a back garden BBQ or a fancy catered affair at a castle…it won’t matter because that’s not the important things. They are coming to see you and your partner and your DD- the three of you in any setting will be more than enough.

The wedding shouldn’t be this difficult.
I understand the family wanting to be there but it’s not about them it’s about you and your DP.

I can’t believe you’ve waited so long to be married because of other people!

Have a secret registry office wedding.
Don’t tell anyone.

Then plan a big party in this country and then one in the other country (you can go for a couple of weeks and make it your honeymoon).

These parties will be your wedding celebrations.

Tell both sides of the family that no one else is invited as you wont be able to accommodate them all and it’s not fair on you to have to do an even bigger event.

2 smaller events will be much easier to plan.

There is no reason that a party for 40 or even 100 people need be that expensive tbh. Just put on a buffet and make sure there's a bar where they can buy drinks. Most of the expense- travel, accommodation- will be bourn by the guests.

Elope. House party/barbecue at some point after. You’re turning this into something it doesn’t need to be. Most people are not sitting on tenterhooks waiting and will be fine about it. You’re living together and you have a kid - just book a date and get on with it.

Go and get married in a registry office as soon as you can book. Have a cheapish party afterwards

Just get married one lunch time just to two of you then have a dinner / party when they are here.

I planned a ‘small wedding’ because he really wanted one ( I wanted to just go abroad the two of us) ended up 75 people and the best part of 12K ! I had a great time , but still!!

Have a destination wedding half-way between the two families. Invite everyone, but they pay for accommodation, food and flights. Maui is popular.

Just elope, get two strangers as witnesses. We went to Scotland, told people when we got back. Best thing we ever did, married 20+ years.

@Nannyfannybanny

Apart from the fact,you cannot get married in a "registry Office"*

Can you explain this please?*

Apart from the fact,you cannot get married in a "registry Office"... they register land,and property title deed