How hard can it be to just get fucking married?

[RatRatWhine]

Buckle up, it’s a long one.

My partner and I have been engaged for more than a decade but haven’t got round to getting married, largely due to the logistics of organising a wedding. My family is extremely large and rather complex (more on this later) and his is on the other side of the world.

A couple of years ago his mum announced she was visiting us for the first time ever and we seized on the opportunity to book a v simple registry office number, with a mum each, a sister each and our then-baby daughter. Various siblings of mine were put out not to be invited but could understand because it matched my partner’s family presence. Perfect. Or would have been, but covid meant it was cancelled.

Last weekend we decided we would book a v small registry office ceremony in the spring and have a larger, informal party with friends to celebrate later in the summer to tie in with my partner’s big birthday - a party, but not particularly wedding-y. And when we next saw my family we would tell them and have a couple of bottles of champagne but no need to make a big deal. Lovely, and we could get on with being married, which to me is the important bit.

However my partner’s family has now decided they’d all like to come from Australia for one or other of the events. This is amazing for my partner but massively changes the scale of plans since if his whole family is there I will need to invite my whole family and everything very quickly spirals into an unmanageably large and expensive affair.

For context, our main plan next year is to renovate our house, which desperately needs doing and will be a huge drain on our finances.

For further context, my family are all lovely people but there are a lot of them. My parents are each on their third marriage and I am close to their previous partners. By the time I’ve got through parents, steps and new partners I’m at 7 people. Siblings, partners, and niblings is another 17. Just inviting some risks really hurting the feelings of others, which I don’t want to do. And that’s before we get to aunts, uncles and cousins, or friends.

So if his family comes for the ceremony and we invite my immediate family to that, I’m stuck with a 40-person wedding that I never really wanted, which will inevitably expand to include flowers, photography, catering, and a bunch of expense that’s probably better spent on the house. We’re in london so affordable options are pretty limited.

If they come for the party, it’s going to end up being a fancier affair than we’d envisaged, since people are travelling from the other side of the world for it, and again it all ends up being more of a “wedding” than I wanted or can probably afford next year.

I love them all and I know in the bigger picture this is a positive problem but AIBU to just want to scream? All I want to do is get married to my partner, but doing it in a manageable way just feels impossible.

Definitely a register office wedding, in the next couple of weeks - then a big party as/when. Do not let your families dictate!

Get married at the registery office, just you. Have the summer party and tdll the in laws it's a party, nothing weddingy.

A registry office is for land. You get married at a register office

Op I've just realised you were planning separate events.

Forget the spring wedding.
Get married at his birthday but organise the party as a 40th birthday party with buffet rather than a wedding.

I see this simply. Get married in a small register office ceremony with your DC and then your two best friends.
Then book a big birthday party for your DH in summer. Note; never mention the word 'wedding' when booking the birthday party, prices skyrocket at the word. Tell all family you want to invite that it's a joint celebration birthday and wedding. I wouldn't invite uncles aunts and cousins on your side. They will understand, its predominantly your DH birthday party so you wouldn't invite them to that anyway, would you? Turn up in your wedding attire. Make it wedding-y with a bit of decor, buy a big birthday cake and ask for a small wedding cake on the side. Cater as though a birthday party.

Just go and get married with 2 witnesses OP then just have a party in a hall somewhere at a later date.

This.

We both have HUGE families, as the eldest children and first to get married in both families, everyone and I mean EVERYONE wanted a say.

There are parents with new spouses and people that refuse to be in a room with each other. Estrangements and feuds all over the place. People that refuse to travel and other people that expect us to travel to a location specifically accommodate them. Extensive accommodations for elderly relatives, people that wanted their children as flower girls but not other peoples and the biggest lightning rod of everybodys ire - one family that wanted to pay for everything and want the very best and one family that didn't but felt hard done by because they we not paying and we obsessed that they has less input because of it.

We sat down one evening with both sets of parents to discuss how this was going to go ahead and the fighting right off the starting line was awful. Full on screaming match, tears drama and tantrums.

We went home, told every one we had split up.

We 'got back together' officially a few weeks later but told them all that we were not getting engaged again to head off any more wedding talk - which was true because we actually got married years ago - and we have not told a soul. Not a single soul (the witnesses were from work)

Can’t you just explain to your family it’s friends, plus his family? It’s a one off for him but not for them. If he’s never had it, but you see your whenever they can understand that. Rather than some just have none.

That was supposed to be in reply to a PP. Anyways…
In response to your original question of how hard it is to just get married - very hard, apparently! Everyone has ideas of how things should be and you can’t please everyone.
I think if it’s a rare occasion to have your DP’s whole family together, capitalise on it, make it more about that then the wedding. 40 people does not sound too bad, pub function room after the RO, or do a second, non-legal ceremony/vow exchange with everyone there after a tiny legal ceremony so no one feels they’ve missed out but you save on ceremony fees!!

This is why we aren't married 😂 We had 200 on the guest list just of people that would need to be invited, without even considering those that we actually wanted to invite 🤣

We eloped. Problem solved.

Registry office to keep the costs down. Then an informal party - I can think of a few lovely cafes with beach or countryside locations. Mid afternoon for a few hours. Bonus if most have to drive there, so won’t be drinking. Tea and cakes.

You’ve been ‘engaged’ for 10 years, together longer, have a child together ( the biggest thing to celebrate!) probably have a joint house/ mortgage, just enter the contract. Do a small registry office thing on your own.

Why does a wedding have to be a big thing? If it was crucial to your life and love together, sense of family etc you would have done it years ago.

Just have a big party with everyone.

Have a quiet civil partnership now so all the legalities are in place then plan a 'wedding' for a time that suits you financially and logistically a few years down the line. Your families need never know.

Elope. Well, no, you don't need to elope, just book your local registry office and take two witnesses with you.

After you have married, inform both families and that is the end to it. Just say what you've said here, that the logistics of numbers and distance have made your "dream" wedding impossible, and you will celebrate with them all over the next few years in smaller groups.

Just don't mention that your "dream" is to just get married without all the stress and expense of meeting their wishes, and let them think your dream would be to have them all there . Marry on your schedule, not theirs!

Save yourself the stress & cost and go off yourselves for a secret romantic wedding. You can’t please everyone so why bother trying…

Vegas.

FGS OP just book the registry office and get married. You, your DP, your DC and a couple of witnesses. Done!

As for the whole Australian family wanting to come over and your family wanting to get in on the act, tbh I'd ditch the idea of a party if they're all going to turn it into a massive expensive thing you don't want. It's YOUR wedding, not theirs. People are so bloody pushy about other people's weddings. Be honest. Tell people what you want. You want to get married. So do that. And renovate your house. And you can't afford to renovate your house and throw a big fucking party with 100 guests.

As others have said, have a v small private wedding then a big party for everyone.

Big part could be whatever works for your budget - even everyone brings some food & a bottle & you go to your local park. The most important thing (after being married!) is that you get to see everyone & they get to see each other. It’ll be fab!

I think this is quite easy actually.

You explain to his family that there is not going to be a big wedding. So they can come to the UK to visit you, but please to be aware there will not be a big event, no need to buy a hat or prepare a speech.

Do the pre covid registry office idea with the mums if you like, and the go out for a meal with each family whenever is convenient.

You’re being dictated to by other people and their schedules.

Just get on with it. Get to the registry office.

Just do your DP’s b’day while his family are here. Then you don’t need to invite all your ex-steps etc.

Do the wedding as a low profile thing, no hoo ha / selective invites.

Do the registry office and your favourite pub after? Reckon you could book out a function room and do some money behind the bar and some buffet food pretty easily. It doesn't need to be wedding-y, it's a celebration of family getting together.

Other option is pick somewhere you think they'd like to go whilst over here and try to organise a big traditional picnic there. You could get a load of m+s sandwich platters and proper British crisps and scones for less than a tenner a head then just put out some lovely picnic blankets, a bit of bunting, and some fizz. Much more weather dependent.

I'd really lean into this traditional English style get together. Informal, good value, and fun.

Going massively against the grain personally I would go all out for the wedding and put after house renovations. The house will be a never-ending money pit. You will never finish it.
It’s one thing after another, I personally would have a beautiful day with the whole family together and cherish the memories. And get some amazing photos to put on the wall. It will be very rare I would imagine to get everybody together.

The logistics of his family/ your family/ family from overseas/ numbers having to be equal is causing all the stress.
Eliminate that. Get married, one friend each as witness. Invite everyone to a big party whenever it suits you.
Anyone who whinges is making it more about them than you and not worth bothering with.