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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How hard can it be to just get fucking married?

153 replies

RatRatWhine · 16/09/2023 08:46

Buckle up, it’s a long one.

My partner and I have been engaged for more than a decade but haven’t got round to getting married, largely due to the logistics of organising a wedding. My family is extremely large and rather complex (more on this later) and his is on the other side of the world.

A couple of years ago his mum announced she was visiting us for the first time ever and we seized on the opportunity to book a v simple registry office number, with a mum each, a sister each and our then-baby daughter. Various siblings of mine were put out not to be invited but could understand because it matched my partner’s family presence. Perfect. Or would have been, but covid meant it was cancelled.

Last weekend we decided we would book a v small registry office ceremony in the spring and have a larger, informal party with friends to celebrate later in the summer to tie in with my partner’s big birthday - a party, but not particularly wedding-y. And when we next saw my family we would tell them and have a couple of bottles of champagne but no need to make a big deal. Lovely, and we could get on with being married, which to me is the important bit.

However my partner’s family has now decided they’d all like to come from Australia for one or other of the events. This is amazing for my partner but massively changes the scale of plans since if his whole family is there I will need to invite my whole family and everything very quickly spirals into an unmanageably large and expensive affair.

For context, our main plan next year is to renovate our house, which desperately needs doing and will be a huge drain on our finances.

For further context, my family are all lovely people but there are a lot of them. My parents are each on their third marriage and I am close to their previous partners. By the time I’ve got through parents, steps and new partners I’m at 7 people. Siblings, partners, and niblings is another 17. Just inviting some risks really hurting the feelings of others, which I don’t want to do. And that’s before we get to aunts, uncles and cousins, or friends.

So if his family comes for the ceremony and we invite my immediate family to that, I’m stuck with a 40-person wedding that I never really wanted, which will inevitably expand to include flowers, photography, catering, and a bunch of expense that’s probably better spent on the house. We’re in london so affordable options are pretty limited.

If they come for the party, it’s going to end up being a fancier affair than we’d envisaged, since people are travelling from the other side of the world for it, and again it all ends up being more of a “wedding” than I wanted or can probably afford next year.

I love them all and I know in the bigger picture this is a positive problem but AIBU to just want to scream? All I want to do is get married to my partner, but doing it in a manageable way just feels impossible.

OP posts:
InSpainTheRain · 16/09/2023 10:50

Stop talking about your plans. Just get married and it's job done.

wotanarse · 16/09/2023 10:50

Getting married is a matter between you and your partner, nobody else.

Netcam · 16/09/2023 10:51

We had a tiny wedding last year with 9 guests in a registry office and a meal at a restaurant afterwards. We paid, but it was affordable due to the small number of guests. Luckily extended family on both sides understood, although it was a 2nd marriage for both of us.

If lots of people want to come, why not explain it is too expensive to provide a large reception for the whole family. If everyone wants to come over for a big celebration, whether it is on the day of the wedding or otherwise, tell them guests would need to cover the cost of their share of the reception/meal/drinks and contribute to any deposit cost/final balance payable accordingly. But don't feel obliged to do this, it is your day and it is your decision.

SwedishEdith · 16/09/2023 10:52

How many are coming from Australia?

Tangled123 · 16/09/2023 10:53

I only read some of the first page, but just wanted to share my experience. My husband and I had a small wedding with just our immediate families. Ours was half the size of yours, but what surprised us was we still got cash gifts from my employer and our extended family who weren’t invited. The amount we received in gifts basically covered the cost of our whole day (and hen + stag). We did get some stuff cheap (like the cake and bridesmaid dresses), and used family for other stuff (photography, music, flowers etc) but we did splash out a little on my dress, rings and venue, so you could save money on those too. The wedding might not end up costing as much as you think.

SwedishEdith · 16/09/2023 10:55

Polis · 16/09/2023 10:28

For further context, my family are all lovely people but there are a lot of them. My parents are each on their third marriage and I am close to their previous partners. By the time I’ve got through parents, steps and new partners I’m at 7 people.

I was expecting 70, not 7!

I have a large family, so has my husband. We ended up with around 150 including children, and a very limited budget.

Yes but it's 7 just in the "parents" category on one side where most people usually have one or two.

Rockandrollfangirl · 16/09/2023 10:56

I'd go away and do it abroad alone. Or as previously said just go to your local registry office with a couple of friends as witnesses
We got married with only our parents there because a big wedding is my worst nightmare.

RedHelenB · 16/09/2023 10:56

I think you need to have a proper wedding. Your family on both sides see it as a big deal.as you do too, otherwise you'd have just got married without any fuss. Swallow the cost, invite all your friends and family and enjoy your day.

Blueey · 16/09/2023 10:59

Agree you are being unreasonable to not just get married. Registry office with two friends.

As for the party. It's cancelled. You need to spend the money on the house. If is family would still like to visit, you would love that and would love to see them. But there won't be a party. That solves the 'invite your whole side of family' thing.

Honestly you just need to do what you want, which is to be married. Of course if you say there's a party, his family will want to come.

We did a registry office (not even the formal registry office wedding, just an actual office at city hall) and no party. It was lovely.

Angrycat2768 · 16/09/2023 10:59

Just do it and don't tell anyone. My cousin did this. We went to the party 3 months later. No one cares 20 years later.

Wemetatascoutcamp · 16/09/2023 11:01

Just because 40 people are coming doesn’t mean you need photographers etc, we had a smallish wedding ~ 30 people at the ceremony and a basic buffet after- no photographer, basic flowers (bridal bouquet, bridesmaids and button holes for groom & best man), my mum made our wedding cake, buffet was from a supermarket, played music from my spotify playlist thru a speaker. Only thing we didn’t pay for ourselves was drinks which father in law provided. We spent £2000 all in but could have spent less for example dh bought a decent new suit and had it altered but could have hired one much cheaper. We could have also got the venue cheaper by having the wedding on a day other than a Saturday- know someone who got married on a Tuesday!

At the end of the day its your day- have it where and when you want, invite who you like and spend what you want.

SillySausage81 · 16/09/2023 11:04

Have your tiny registry office wedding.

Still have the party in the garden, with the Aussie rellies, and if you have to invite all your relatives too that's fine, it can still be a cheap garden party. You can call it a "festival vibe" if you want... have a big barbecue, a few boxes of wine and bottles of beer chilled in tubs of cold water... maybe some fairy lights and bunting if you can be bothered to stretch that far... sounds lovely!

FinallyHere · 16/09/2023 11:05

Angrycat2768 · 16/09/2023 10:59

Just do it and don't tell anyone. My cousin did this. We went to the party 3 months later. No one cares 20 years later.

this. Simples.

and discovering that your own family unit is now your priority will stand you in good stead for future events & plans. Enjoy.

tt9 · 16/09/2023 11:09

I mean your wedding you set the rules. why not have a small registry office thing now. when your partners family come over, just a simple church/village hall/barn party - simple food, buffet style - that way keep the costs down?

Cockmigrant · 16/09/2023 11:10

It's very easy to get married.
Just go and do it. The two of you. Your child. Two friends as witnesses.
End of.

There is no need for all this carry on and a total and utter waste of money.
You need the money to renovate the house. Do not piss it up the wall on some party for a whole pile of people who are saying they are coming from Australia.
I'll be amazed if they do to be honest. Some of them might. But not en masse when they find out how much it is going to cost them.

Do you actually want to be married? Or do you want a wedding? Because the two are not exactly the same thing....

Martz · 16/09/2023 11:13

Elope. Tell everyone after you’ve done it and say you didn’t want to make a big affair of it due to saving money.

Jaxhog · 16/09/2023 11:17

Elope! And have a party when your DH's relatives come over.

fairyfluf · 16/09/2023 11:30

Just say no. Go and get married. It's important especially if one of you dies

Totaly · 16/09/2023 11:32

How hard can it be to just get fucking married?

You are making it hard! Pick the phone up and book a date. Find a dress and 2 friends. Book a meal out - or lunch at home!

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 16/09/2023 11:32

DP's family can't just all decide to come. You can't invite yourself to someone else's wedding. Just nip down the registry office with a couple of witnesses and tell everyone after. Or you could have a lovely destination wedding, just the two of you on a lovely holiday together. Don't be pushed into a wedding you don't want.

Totaly · 16/09/2023 11:34

What I gleam from your post is that you are trying to please everybody and coming up with nothing. Your day is just as important as anything else, stop squashing or in around others.

You can now do video links to a wedding - or have it recorded and play it at the next family party.

Do what you want to do.

We eloped - we are all still speaking.

NatashaDancing · 16/09/2023 11:37

For further context, my family are all lovely people but there are a lot of them. My parents are each on their third marriage and I am close to their previous partners. By the time I’ve got through parents, steps and new partners I’m at 7 people.

I'll probably get shouted at for this and of course no one should ever be stuck with an abusive or controlling partner but both your parents are on their third marriage? Are weddings more important than actually sustaining a marriage?

Someone has already asked - do you want a wedding or a marriage?

Nannyfannybanny · 16/09/2023 11:48

Yes, I can explain it,as several others have put,a Registrar of BIRTHS, DEATHS AND MARRIAGE Registers you in a REGISTER OFFICE, not a REGISTRY OFFICE,whereby you would register land or total deeds, property that you own Might be a small point,but both are legal offices, completely separate. I imagine these are the same people who "hoover" with a Dyson or some other vacuum cleaner.

Nannyfannybanny · 16/09/2023 11:49

Oh,so all of you who got married in a "registry Office", sorry you aren't legally married 🤣

NatashaDancing · 16/09/2023 12:06

Nannyfannybanny · 16/09/2023 11:48

Yes, I can explain it,as several others have put,a Registrar of BIRTHS, DEATHS AND MARRIAGE Registers you in a REGISTER OFFICE, not a REGISTRY OFFICE,whereby you would register land or total deeds, property that you own Might be a small point,but both are legal offices, completely separate. I imagine these are the same people who "hoover" with a Dyson or some other vacuum cleaner.

Fgs every one knows what is meant by "registry office" in the context of a civil marriage ceremony.

No one who actually gets round to booking a wedding in the official, local authority designated office to carry out civil marriages is going to pitch up at the wrong office.

But if you're going to be that pedantic then be clear you are referring to England and Wales. In Scotland a civil marriage is conducted in a Registrar's office (or any other place you ask the Registrar to attend) Civil ceremononied no longer require to be held within a registrar's office. The Registrar can conduct the ceremony in your back garden if you want.