How hard can it be to just get fucking married?

[RatRatWhine]

Buckle up, it’s a long one.

My partner and I have been engaged for more than a decade but haven’t got round to getting married, largely due to the logistics of organising a wedding. My family is extremely large and rather complex (more on this later) and his is on the other side of the world.

A couple of years ago his mum announced she was visiting us for the first time ever and we seized on the opportunity to book a v simple registry office number, with a mum each, a sister each and our then-baby daughter. Various siblings of mine were put out not to be invited but could understand because it matched my partner’s family presence. Perfect. Or would have been, but covid meant it was cancelled.

Last weekend we decided we would book a v small registry office ceremony in the spring and have a larger, informal party with friends to celebrate later in the summer to tie in with my partner’s big birthday - a party, but not particularly wedding-y. And when we next saw my family we would tell them and have a couple of bottles of champagne but no need to make a big deal. Lovely, and we could get on with being married, which to me is the important bit.

However my partner’s family has now decided they’d all like to come from Australia for one or other of the events. This is amazing for my partner but massively changes the scale of plans since if his whole family is there I will need to invite my whole family and everything very quickly spirals into an unmanageably large and expensive affair.

For context, our main plan next year is to renovate our house, which desperately needs doing and will be a huge drain on our finances.

For further context, my family are all lovely people but there are a lot of them. My parents are each on their third marriage and I am close to their previous partners. By the time I’ve got through parents, steps and new partners I’m at 7 people. Siblings, partners, and niblings is another 17. Just inviting some risks really hurting the feelings of others, which I don’t want to do. And that’s before we get to aunts, uncles and cousins, or friends.

So if his family comes for the ceremony and we invite my immediate family to that, I’m stuck with a 40-person wedding that I never really wanted, which will inevitably expand to include flowers, photography, catering, and a bunch of expense that’s probably better spent on the house. We’re in london so affordable options are pretty limited.

If they come for the party, it’s going to end up being a fancier affair than we’d envisaged, since people are travelling from the other side of the world for it, and again it all ends up being more of a “wedding” than I wanted or can probably afford next year.

I love them all and I know in the bigger picture this is a positive problem but AIBU to just want to scream? All I want to do is get married to my partner, but doing it in a manageable way just feels impossible.

A 40 person wedding doesn't have to be a big deal - 'flowers and photographers' etc
Different dynamics but we had a similar situation-
We booked the big room at the register office which held ~40, then all went for a meal at a pub. A couple of family members made a few posies for the tables, another took a few snaps.
We did invite a few more to join in the pub after the meal and had a few drinks and dancing. A party around getting married, not a 'wedding'. Cost about 2500. Not insignificant amount I realise, but not full wedding price.
I just want to say that having all your families there can be doable and lovely.
I really enjoyed our wedding and having everyone there. It sounds like you are close to all of yours (which is causing the dilemma), so you can find a way to have everyone there and make the most of having that lovely love bubble of joy around you

Just get married.

Take a couple of witnesses with you, and just get married.

It won't be a shock to anyone; you've been together for a decade and are a family. This is more about the legal protections going forward, no?

Surprise everyone at the family reunion with the happy news and make it clear you don't expect gifts (if there are rumblings) since that will be a jointly funded get together by the whole family, no?

It really doesn't have to be dramatic unless you make it dramatic.

Get married your way asap. If his family are all coming you can organise a party and even book a celebrant to do you a 'wedding ceremony' for you. But it'll be party frock and no extras. That way they all get to feel they 'were there' but you can actually get married now. Because who knows if the big family gathering will ever happen!

The actual marriage bit can be, if necessary, your little secret.

Someone makes this point on every thread about "registry office weddings". I'm sure the OP and everyone else on the thread knows which office she should pitch up at.

She might of course be in Scotland where she could register her title to her house at the Land Register and get married at a Registrar's office.

Just get married at a registry office with two random witness.

In my culture weddings are huge but I had what would be considered quite a small one with 100 guests.

I don't know whether the answer is YABU or YANBU. It's not hard at all to get married. You're making a mountain out of a molehill.

We did what we called a birthday party wedding. Which is basically a wedding on a birthday scale and budget. A quinceanera would be a perfect example. We had the option of bigger but my husband and I always thought it was a stupid and unnecessary tradition to have such ridiculously expensive weddings. You're starting a new life out together. It shouldn't mean burying yourself in massive amounts of stress, family drama and debt for one party.

We got married in my mother's backyard. It was extremely beautiful, relaxed and fun and didn't take over a year to plan. And we were happy with that. My wedding ring came from Pandora. Some people may frown on this. I don't care. We replace the ring every ten years. No it's not a family heirloom. I wouldn't want it to be anyways. I'd rather my daughter pick out her wedding ring and personalize it when she's older anyways.

Some people like big big weddings and rings. That's okay. I'm not one of them. You should just do what feels right for you though.

Just get married quietly, why are you anxious about everyone else ... you've been engaged ten (!) years and have a child ... presumably you are fully competent adults, just own the decision and don't be beholden to other people. Be confident !

We had a very quiet wedding (five guests) - siblings not invited - 40+ years ago ... no one really cares if they are included or not.

40 people can fit in a registry office.
Though you could always invite just 20 and then the rest to the after meal (at a country pub or in a friend's garden with a caterer supplying similar to a high tea.
Or research dates of when nice bands are playing at the local.

The guests will entertain each other and be happy. You won't regret that they shared your special day. You don't need to spend up big.

You want to get married so do it and do it casual. Be spurred on by the guests from OS.

I’ve never understood why so many people make their weddings about everyone else and are so concerned with what everyone else might think.
They’ve all had their opportunities, or will have them to come, or won’t. Whatever. The point is that this is YOUR wedding. Stop trying to please everyone, avoid upsetting people, juggling logistics and spending more than you want to.

We eloped. It was glorious. I have never regretted it for a moment. Every wedding I go to solidifies to both of us what a great decision it was. His family wasn’t bothered, mine was a bit upset, but they got over it.

@Ragwort

Yes it's almost as if OP thinks they need permission to be married. It's kind of worrying.

Saws wedding outside Bath registry office yesterday- 6 of em and a photographer - it looked great!!

Get married now and then plan party for his big birthday and if relatives choose to come over that's up to them . But parties are cheaper than weddings and there is much less expectation. You can do what you want to suit your budget . I had big party at home , hired pizza people to come , friends and family brought salads and puddings , people bring a bottle. Also paid couple of teenagers £50 to keep drinks topped up, tidy away as we went on and wash glasses etc.
for £2k you could have an amazing party, but once you go down the wedding route it could be 10x that
Such as a nice dress for you to feel amazing, for a party could be £200, for a wedding dress , no way.
You could hire a photographer for couple of hours so you have nice family pics of visiting relatives. Thing is it will be so much cheaper than a photographer for a wedding, as soon as you say wedding the price triples.

Just be straight with them. If your families love you then presumably they’ll understand if you tell them you’re delighted they want to be a part of your day, but you can’t afford to splurge on a massive whistles-&-bells traditional wedding and all the schizzle that entails? Presumably your DH’s family are coming from oz to celebrate your marriage however you choose to do it, not in the expectation they’ll be treated to a huge blowout at your expense? And if they decide not to come because you’re doing something more modest, then frankly it’s no great loss.

I agree with PPs - just you and DP (or maybe parents & partners) at a register office, quick and simple, then a party in the afternoon or evening which you can orchestrate according to your budget. It can still be wedding-y and celebratory without breaking the bank - there are loads of lovely suggestions for inexpensive decorations etc on YouTube.

I think you should ...

Book a register office and get married ASAP. You and your daughter need the legal protection only marriage can confer ASAP, not next spring.

Think about how wonderful it is that ALL of your partner's family want to visit and decide that it'll be to celebrate his big birthday. That way you can save the expense of any wedding related stuff and shave loads of people off your guest list likes ex-steps, aunts and cousins.

Then get a planning committee together. Hire a cheap venue and the committee works out how to decorate and cater cheaply. If you have such a wide circle then you can all chip in with preparing dishes. Or, as you'll have loads of Aussies there - have a barbie!

Sounds fab!

I don't get why you can't still do this:

"a v small registry office ceremony in the spring"

Stick with that and sort the family stuff for the party. You said the Australian contingent would be happy to come to 'either of the events' so have them come to the party not the ceremony. Keep the ceremony separate as that's the important bit to stop putting off.

I don't really know why you told them anyway. Seems like you had a good idea about telling your family after and that would've been smarter all round. Get the marriage sorted and the party logistics will be tricky but can be dealt with aside from other people's inevitable aggro, however well-intentioned.

Elope. Family member did it the other week. Told everyone at a big birthday party the following. My cousin married her DP and told no one for years and no one really had anything to say.

tbh weddings are a huge waste of money. You can’t do it on the cheap really. Village halls charge almost nothing for a birthday party hire but say it’s a wedding and it’s goodbye to grand.

For further context, my family are all lovely people but there are a lot of them. My parents are each on their third marriage and I am close to their previous partners. By the time I’ve got through parents, steps and new partners I’m at 7 people.

I was expecting 70, not 7!

I have a large family, so has my husband. We ended up with around 150 including children, and a very limited budget.

Hi. You don't need all the trimmings. A small registry office wedding with a couple of witnesses and then, separately, an 'anniversary' party (could be a 1 week or 1 month anniversary).

My parents celebrated a 40th wedding anniversary by inviting 40 guests to a 3 course evening meal in a local hotel. There were drinks in the bar before and after. Much cheaper venue costs (as no 'wedding premium') - no video, photographer, cake, DJ/band, favours, car, dress, bouquet, gubbins. Just some excellent food and wine and a couple of speeches/toasts. Some friends came from abroad and combined it with a holiday- everyone had a great time. It cost £2-£3k which is still expensive but nothing compared to a full fat wedding.

I think in your shoes I’d just email everyone who might fancy coming, both families, and say “Bob and I are getting married on 6 October at Newton Registry Office and afterwards going for a drink at the Dog and Duck. We’d love it if you could join us but understand it’s short notice xx”

Then just get on with it. you can’t hang around forever.

I have a big family but am a very low key person. We decided one day we were booking a venue for as soon as possible. We had three months a lot of people couldn't make it but it was great. No wild spending and completely stress free. I had all the details organised the first week then just waited for the day to arrive. Honestly just suit yourselves if people want to be there they will be. Best of luck.

Indeed. That's what we did, simply because I cannot bear (and I'm not exaggerating here, not in the least) a fuss or to be the centre of attention. We just wanted to be married, not have a 'wedding'.

I would elope and then have a “spur of the moment” wedding (ie make out like it was unplanned). You could say to DP’s family that it would be amazing to see everyone together and let them know when you’re free but separate this from the wedding.

I eloped in NYC ♥️

This