AIBU? Too early to move in together and share finances temporarily?

[nzwanderer]

Long before we became a couple, I (23) had plans to move to New Zealand once I became qualified in my sector. Due to the delay in having my qualification recognised in NZ, I won’t be moving until March 2024. By March, my boyfriend (29) and I will be together for ONE year. My brother, sister-in-law, and nieces live in New Zealand. They have a four bedroom house and a bedroom waiting for me to make my own until I secure residency and can start the process of buying my own house (should I like NZ).

I have started making connections on Linkedin and was offered a job for when I arrive. We have interviewed a couple of times on Zoom, I have completed assessments, and I have signed a contract. The starting salary is double my salary here in Belfast, and I will receive an initial relocation and welcome bonus when I commence employment.

In the last couple of months, my boyfriend has decided he also wants to move to NZ. He recently finished his MSc and has an undergraduate degree in IT with music production. He comes from a very wealthy family who provided him with an allowance throughout his undergrad degree, but this allowed him to work hard and achieve a high grade. I encouraged him to also use Linkedin to connect to people within his sector and recruiters.

In the nicest way, one recruiter told him that he was very unlikely to get a skilled job in NZ and would recommended that he stay in Belfast, do an internship, and come back when he has more experience and his degree officially recognised. Another recruiter responded to my boyfriend and told him that while his degrees on paper are good and in demand careers, his overall gaps between employment and lack of experience within the IT sector heavily go against him.

My boyfriend is adament he will be in NZ regardless of their feedback, and will sort employment and qualification recognition while there (knowing mine took months). Now he’s not the type of man who would ever work in construction or mining and will say this himself, but he hates his current retail job so much that he swore he would never work retail again… I’m at a complete loss as to what job he expects to find.

I asked what his plans were as he would have no income initially, minimum savings, and he said that we could live off my salary until he was set up (vice-versa should roles be reversed). Here’s the thing, IF we were together longterm then I would have absolutely no issue with this, but we will only be together a year in March! I reminded him that the invite to stay with my family only extended to me, as they haven’t met my boyfriend (not even on FaceTime) and do have two young children. He suggested that we could instead get an AirBnB until we found a rental, but I expressed before (and again) that I felt it would be too soon to move in together.

I love my boyfriend but I also don’t want to be held back any further towards my big move. AIBU? I really think a year is too song to move in together and share finances. I really don’t want to breakup with my boyfriend but I don’t want to be his keeper even more.

No you clearly didn't read it properly!
The OP has 2 nieces which live with their parents in Nz where the op has been offered a room

Your 23 with a degree and work experience. You have a work visa got and a decent job when you get to NZ. Your family have offered to let you stay with them. It a great opportunity for you and even if you don't decide to stay in NZ long term it's going to lead to great experience to put on your CV.

Meanwhile your boyfriend has been in and out of jobs and course's. He thinks now with a MSc and very little experience he should walk into the job of his dreams. He does not like his retail job and he sees his chance now.
He expects to go with you and that you pay for accommodation for both of you, pay all the bills when he tries to look for work their. Meanwhile he can't get a work visa because of either his qualifications or lack of work experience.

My advice is that you tell him that unfortunately your not in a position to support him financially out in NZ and that your family have said that they just want you staying with them.
Tell him if he wants to go to NZ he needs to get proper work experience in Belfast and go to NZ on a work visa like you. Tell him he needs to look for and take a job in IT. If he gets experience in the area he can move on to get a better job. I had friends in the past who did jobs that may not have paid well but it gave them experience to apply for and get other job's.

You had a plan, worked hard and have a great opportunity now. I would not be funding your boyfriend's trip to NZ or paying his bills their. If you can stay with family when you settle in a new job and put money aside it will benefit you financially in the future towards buying home in NZ or in the UK if you decide after a few years to come back with your experience to get a decent job in the UK.
I hope your new job in NZ goes well and you enjoy it their.

It would be a firm no from me.
You should realistically look at putting boundaries in now.
No he cannot live with you.
No he can't piggy back off your work.
He has been given good advice. He needs to follow it, see it through and move over because of his work not yours!

It doesn’t sound like you feel you have a future with this guy anyway and you need to be honest with him about that.

He had a career and study break for just over a year until last August,
Translates to - didn't bother working or eating a living.
He seems to think entry level is beneath him, what age is he?

When we initially started dating, I was really impressed by him doing an MSc and working full time and thought he had a lot of drive and ambition. It’s only as I started getting to know him and more of his background that I realized how privileged but inexperienced he was, and had a lot of handouts throughout life that allowed him to progress this far.

Now, he did experience a lot of mental health issues and that explained some of his gaps in employment, but often jokes about how life on benefits was easier. I take this joke with a pinch of salt because I imagine it would be and I know when I received the covid payment, I thought it was only amazing to receive money for doing nothing (until I got bored).

When we first started dating, his parents paid for his bills and insurance and his wages were essentially his own to spend on whatever he pleased. Now that he is approaching 30, they’ve decided to financially cut him off and give him full responsibility for paying both bills and insurance.

I’m really encouraging him to apply for any and every job within IT, but he’s adament that he wants to complete his portfolio before applying for any job. In the back of my head, I’ve given my boyfriend until January to be in a new job and actively gaining experience within his sector. If in January he’s still working in the same retail job he desperately hates, I know I will ultimately have to cut ties and breakup with him.

I recently changed jobs to one that covers more to gain more experience for when I do start my job in NZ. I’m trying to find ways to better myself as an applicant on a WHV compared to residents applying, and make me seem more desirable to an employer. I was fortunate to connect with another NI ex-pat who is now in a high position and be offered a job for when I do arrive. As you’re all aware, this is currently unmatched from my boyfriend but I am allowing some benefit of the doubt as he just finished his MSc.

NZ was always on the cards and they were pushed back as a result of meeting my BF. We decided to go on mini breaks throughout Europe, go to concerts, and other fun things in between so my savings took a hit and I post-poned my move date out by 9 months. This was my own decision and I am glad for it, because it allowed me to become qualified and gain more experience within my field that’ll stand to me in NZ. I don’t regret it and I wouldn’t take back any of the last couple of months spent with BF.

He was aware of these plans when we started dating and we were both apprehensive to enter a relationship (and dated for many months before March without being official) but figured ‘feck it, we’ll worry about it when the time comes’ and have just enjoyed our time together. We clarified from the get go that neither of us would be interested in a LDR but didn’t actually discuss what would happen, and he’s only very recently mentioned wanting to come along to NZ so it’s still a very new prospect to me. I love my boyfriend, we do have fun together, so of course I don’t want to breakup with him but I am aware if certain things don’t happen, I will have to otherwise I’ll only hold myself back.

@nzwanderer

So you are going over on a WHV? I must admit I was very surprised that you were moving to NZ at age 23. I used to be quite expert on all things to do with Australian visas (as I moved there as a skilled migrant in 2010) and the NZ rules were quite similar and it would have been pretty much impossible for a 23 year old to have enough points. Do you have a definite plan for getting a permanent visa? I am just saying this as I was active on an immigration forum for years and years and there were a lot of people who assumed they would easily progress from a WHV to a permanent visa, which is really not correct.

Anyway I digress. Back to your boyfriend. I am confused as to why you would give him until January to get a job or you would end things, but you are ending things anyway in March when you leave for NZ.

Yes so NZ’s actually harder than Oz but I have enough points to apply for the Skilled Migrant Visa. I am entering on a WHV but once I pass probation in my job, they’re going to pay for this visa on my behalf (not a work sponsorship) and I will commit to staying with the company for 3 years. If I leave beforehand, I have to pay them back in full.

I have an undergrad degree and a qualification in an area experiencing job shortages which I paid out of my own pocket to have this recognised in Oz/Nz. On top, I have been working since I was 16 and have just shy of 2 years experience in my current sector.

When we first started dating, his parents paid for his bills and insurance and his wages were essentially his own to spend on whatever he pleased. Now that he is approaching 30, they’ve decided to financially cut him off and give him full responsibility for paying both bills and insurance.

He’s 30 and expecting his 23yo to take over from his parents in bankrolling him. Run for the hills.

What happens between now and Jan? Is he expecting you to look for a place in NZ?

Honestly, I think you are being daft even giving him until January.

He built a portfolio, but by the time he could use it it was outdated so he started from scratch and is working on that ‘for a few months’. If he spending all his spare time on it, when is he seeing you?

and what happens if by the time he finishes it, it’s also out of date? The fact that he could get out of a job he hates and build this much needed portfolio. But he isn’t.

He is someone who will always look to everyone else to provide him with support.

He has been really open. He expects you to finance him. That’s his train of thought. ‘I want to piss around with plans that are never going to happen and she can foot the bill’

He shouldn’t go to NZ with you and I am not sure why you are with him at all.

OP you sound very organised and sensible at 23, yet a man of 30 is still faffin about in dreamland for his perfect job to arrive, dump him now and you'll boost your savings without him bleeding you dry.

Oh yes I meant to mention the portfolio. What on earth does that even mean considering the types of jobs he is going for. I thought portfolios were for models or similar. I have never come across a thing in my own 30 year working life.

I am writing this to be kind to you, as an older, wiser person

He has had 30 years to get his xxxx together & he cannot find a good job in his own country ?
He is relying on his parents to pay his bills & accommodation, with no real plan moving forward. Not very attractive

You on the other hand, have everything qualified, planned, organised & ready to go onto a bigger & better future !

He is like an albatross around your neck

Please end the relationship now. There is no need to wait until January or March

Fact albatross nest in Dunedin in NZ

You will be free to meet lovely NZ people !

Be brave, be strong

I'm sure your bf is a nice person OP, but it does sound as though he is a bit of a dreamer. There is nothing wrong with that, but you sound like polar opposites when it comes to life plans. If he is sincere about moving to NZ then he has to do the work involved first and then join you, he needs to earn your respect.

When we first started dating, his parents paid for his bills and insurance and his wages were essentially his own to spend on whatever he pleased. Now that he is approaching 30, they’ve decided to financially cut him off and give him full responsibility for paying both bills and insurance

and he’s only very recently mentioned wanting to come along to NZ so it’s still a very new prospect to me

Did these two things coincide by any chance?

Sounds like you've got a common or garden hobosexual/cocklodger there.
A hobosexual is a person who quickly falls in love with someone or quickly steps up the intensity of a relationship (such as by suggesting they move in together etc) when they are in need of somewhere to live/financial support.
Usually with the common or garden hobosexual there is either an "accommodation emergency" or an "employment emergency". These can take the form of being kicked out of a rental property/parents getting pissed off with them living there/arguments with flatmates/savings running low because the hobosexual can't be arsed to work. Or they lose their job (always through no fault of their own...)/manager is bullying them so they have to quit/or frankly they can't be arsed any more.
To solve the problem they quickly look for a new girlfriend or boyfriend and very quickly fall in love etc and then apply the emotional pressure to be able to move in. The person they fall in love with will be very competent - preferably have their own home but if not, very definitely have their shit together. If they are already in a relationship then all they need to do is make all the right noises about moving in together etc or simply apply the emotional pressure because they are going to be homeless because the landlord was mean or whatever sob story they come up with.
They are leeches who look for a way to have an easy life and know how to charm and manipulate. If something goes wrong with the person they decided to cocklodge with they will simply move on to the next. They always land on their feet.....

In other words, your boyfriend's parents have got pissed off with him being a layabout and not bothering to work or even look for work while living off their backs. They've cut the funding so he's got a problem now hasn't he? He has to get a job or he'll not be able to afford the rent.
What a coincidence that around this time he decides he'll accompany you to NZ and you can "share finances" while he looks for work...

No, no, no.

So nearly 30, serial student without having any sort of career, but thinks he is better than any of the job available to him. And co-incidentally suddenly cut off by his parents. So now interested in moving across the world to sponge off you?! Just ditch him no FFS! Or carry on the relationship but dump him and cut off all contact before you go at least. He is not interested in making his own way unless he suddenly lands a high end/ low work/ no experience required job......which doesn't exist!

At his age and with no job he probably would only be allowed in on a tourist visa or will he piggy back off your visa?

Ditch him, there are lots of gorgeous young men in New Zealand!

I don't think his parents have done him any favours giving him so much support.

Whilst you recognise that getting to destination X means taking iterative steps and paving your way... he sees sowing all those first seeds of the harvest as beneath him.

He isn't recognising that he isn't entitled to best wages and plum positions unless he's put the groundwork in, he might have qualifications but against other candidates that isn't marking him out, the longer he stays choosy the further behind he'll get, and actually those entry level stages are an excellent grounding which will stand him in good stead, he should embrace them if he wants to get somewhere... but unaccustomed to things not falling in his lap he's finding himself drawn to apparently easier routes where he can be bankroll'ed while he does what he can to dance the dance to his tune...

That's what it looks like from here anyway.

I remember when I was in my final year of university, my boyfriend at the time told everyone we were moving to a certain city so he could do another degree and I could work to pay for both of us. I was instantly taken aback (he hadn't discussed it with me) and got the ick big time.

Dear reader, I made plans to move to a different city (without him) and then broke up with him. He didn't see it coming.

A couple making plans jointly to live off one salary is a very different kettle of fish to one person unilaterally deciding the other will fund them to do whatever they feel like.

This guy's parents have subsidised him for a ridiculously long time - I'm sure they would be delighted if you wanted to relieve them of this burden.

DON'T.

Go to NZ, be amazing, and leave this millstone behind.

Good for you.

How well these users are always scanning around for another mug to pay THEIR way.

His parents have done him zero favours to have facilitated this until the age of 30.

Any employer looking at his gaps will see him clearly.

I would be very upset to see any of my children fall for a situation where they become the ATM for a boyfriend/ girlfriend........not a chance would I be impressed.