AIBU? Too early to move in together and share finances temporarily?

[nzwanderer]

Long before we became a couple, I (23) had plans to move to New Zealand once I became qualified in my sector. Due to the delay in having my qualification recognised in NZ, I won’t be moving until March 2024. By March, my boyfriend (29) and I will be together for ONE year. My brother, sister-in-law, and nieces live in New Zealand. They have a four bedroom house and a bedroom waiting for me to make my own until I secure residency and can start the process of buying my own house (should I like NZ).

I have started making connections on Linkedin and was offered a job for when I arrive. We have interviewed a couple of times on Zoom, I have completed assessments, and I have signed a contract. The starting salary is double my salary here in Belfast, and I will receive an initial relocation and welcome bonus when I commence employment.

In the last couple of months, my boyfriend has decided he also wants to move to NZ. He recently finished his MSc and has an undergraduate degree in IT with music production. He comes from a very wealthy family who provided him with an allowance throughout his undergrad degree, but this allowed him to work hard and achieve a high grade. I encouraged him to also use Linkedin to connect to people within his sector and recruiters.

In the nicest way, one recruiter told him that he was very unlikely to get a skilled job in NZ and would recommended that he stay in Belfast, do an internship, and come back when he has more experience and his degree officially recognised. Another recruiter responded to my boyfriend and told him that while his degrees on paper are good and in demand careers, his overall gaps between employment and lack of experience within the IT sector heavily go against him.

My boyfriend is adament he will be in NZ regardless of their feedback, and will sort employment and qualification recognition while there (knowing mine took months). Now he’s not the type of man who would ever work in construction or mining and will say this himself, but he hates his current retail job so much that he swore he would never work retail again… I’m at a complete loss as to what job he expects to find.

I asked what his plans were as he would have no income initially, minimum savings, and he said that we could live off my salary until he was set up (vice-versa should roles be reversed). Here’s the thing, IF we were together longterm then I would have absolutely no issue with this, but we will only be together a year in March! I reminded him that the invite to stay with my family only extended to me, as they haven’t met my boyfriend (not even on FaceTime) and do have two young children. He suggested that we could instead get an AirBnB until we found a rental, but I expressed before (and again) that I felt it would be too soon to move in together.

I love my boyfriend but I also don’t want to be held back any further towards my big move. AIBU? I really think a year is too song to move in together and share finances. I really don’t want to breakup with my boyfriend but I don’t want to be his keeper even more.

Changed my name to Cockmigrant as I love the term.
When I was 30 I ended up with a cockmigrant leeching off me.
Looking back I was completely naive and I really thought he was the one.
I owned a small property outright in an EU country. My plan had always been to emigrate there - but not at 30. The aim was to use it as a holiday home until I was about 40 and then move and work part time.

I got together with this bloke who was a couple of years older than me. We lived in different UK cities. About 6 months in we started talking about moving in together and who would move to be with the other one. At some point during those conversations he suggested we both move together to the EU country and live in my place and start new lives there. As it was something I'd always wanted to do, I started thinking well why not do it at 30 instead of 40. I decided I would get any job once there and then look for other job opportunities related to my field.
So the date was set to emigrate, just over one year after we had got together.
You think you know someone at that stage but you really really don't.
As soon as the date was set, he quit his job in the UK, claiming he was being bullied by management, started to live off his savings and said as he was leaving the UK "forever" there were things he wanted to do and see in the UK first before he left. So basically he just pissed around for 6 months.
I thought this was a one off and he was convincing but it later turned out he had a very dodgy employment history of working for a while then quitting because someone had bullied him or he got fired, living off savings for a year while pissing around on the internet all day and once the savings dwindled he would then look for another job.

Well he was a cockmigrant/cocklodger wasn't he. I didn't realize it at the time but it became pretty clear pretty quickly in the new country.
I got a job cleaning immediately and another very part-time job relating to my field. He did nothing for 3 months as he needed to settle in. He was contributing to half the bills using savings. But that was it. Wasn't doing anything to keep our living environment nice... except he "did the bins".
Then he got a job working in a kitchen - did that for a while. He then started a language course 3 mornings a week. He managed to get fired from the kitchen job - not sure why. He told me he had quit but the boss told me they'd sacked him.
The language course was "such hard work" that he was, according to him, not in any fit state to do anything in the afternoons after the classes, nor on the other days when he wasn't at class. So that, according to him, excluded him from getting another kitchen or restaurant job in the evening and from doing any kind of household chores.
In the interests of being succinct, I won't continue with this story - there's lots more to it- there were also problems with the unemployment office and with his health insurance because according to the unemployment office he had "refused work" - which was true. They had found him jobs to start immediately but he wouldn't go.
So I gave him a month's notice to leave my place. Said the relationship was over and I wasn't going to support him anymore. He made me out to be a terrible person and basically made no attempt to move until I reminded him a week before the deadline that he needed to be out by the following week. He returned to the UK with a right sob story and moved in with some friends - leeched off them for nearly a year....

OP, I think the wisest thing you could possibly to do is to end this relationship now, hard as that might be, go to New Zealand on your own and enjoy every opportunity that new life is going to bring to you.
If you take him along with you I can guarantee he will do sweet fuck all. There will be excuse after excuse. You'll feel even worse than I did about chucking him out when you've had enough because he's on the other side of the world and you'll get a load of emotional manipulation "I moved across the world away from all my family and friends for you" (My ex said stuff like that to me).

Do yourself a favour and split up.

I think if you were in a long term relationship and it married this would be ok. But you're not, after 6 months you're probably still in the honeymoon phase

I also emigrated years ago & a guy I was seeing at the time decided to come along for the ride. It didn't work out as he wasn't as committed to the new place as I was & his negativity dragged me down a lot & we ended up leaving. I deeply regret not having that adventure as something for me & having seen where it would take me. Not saying this would happen to you but it may affect your experience if he joins you

OP, he's looking to hang off you and drag you down.

Do you really want to be responsible for the housing a costs of a hugely work shy man child?

After how hard you worked?

End things.

Go to NZ and live your life.

Do not be used by him.

You are his meal ticket and believe me he will destroy this great experience for you.

End things now so its a clean break.

He sees you as a meal ticket.

I dint think he's taking the piss necessarily, but you obviously don't see a lingerie term future with him like ge does with you so I'd finish with him and concentrate on your move.

We moved in and married after 1h war knowing each other and still together 10 years on both moved countries multiple times to be together. I think your priority right now is your big move and new job and not this relationship. It sounds like it would only work for you if he contributed equally so that the comfort of your life and goals is not affected by him. His goal might be a free adventure or being with you. If later he'll figure out how to contribute equally if first maybe not. Maybe move there by yourself first see if your relationship work in the distance and then decide.

You really need to RTFT, OP loves him but loves the idea of moving to be near her family in NZ more and has chosen that over staying in Belfast with boyfriend.

The point of this thread is boyfriend wants her to change her plans and rent her own place in NZ so he can live with her and OP doesn’t want to do that because they’ve only been together 6 months.

You not reading the thread means your posts make no sense.

OP the reason he's not getting any job is because he's faffing about doing MSc and demanding a higher salary instead of taking what he can get.
Once he's got his foot in the door and gotten experience the next few steps become much easier. The market is flooded with career changers doing boot camps/MSc/portfolios. Usually for the same few things frontend development or 'data development'.

With the recent rounds of Big Tech layoffs the market's flooded with experienced applicants. Even a tech support role (L1/L2 engineer) would give him experience in enterprise IT and he can progress to the sort of roles bootcamps and degr es can't really train you for like cybersecurity, enterprise architecture, etc.

Go on your own. If he works hard enough it's a matter of a couple of years he can join you. But it looks like he's overestimated his skills and the recruiters have picked up on that.

Good Lord no. Stick with your plan. He is setting up the rest of your life here - if you accept now that you will find everything you will be back on here in another year wondering why he hasn't got a job yet.

It doesn't sound like it's a long relationship OR that he actually has any finances to share! Red flags out like it's the jubilee again, don't get involved with that.

If you say you're sticking to your plans and won't be sharing finances with him, I'll bet money he will instantly lose interest in moving to NZ.

It is very generous of him to offer for you to share your finances with him though.... FGS run!

I don’t think a year is too soon, but it is too soon if you don’t want to and it doesn’t sound like you do.

As you are planning to move to NZ in March, I really can’t see the point in continuing the relationship anyway. Just cut him loose.

No man is worth what he’s asking you to sacrifice and fund. I can’t imagine the sex with man this pathetic is much cop. You need to tell him that you’re going to NZ under your own steam. If wishes to join independently with his own means that’s on him, but I would not want to be beholden to this drip who’ll no doubt protest “how can you break up with me when I’ve given up everything to be with you half-way around the world?” when you tire of him.

Just pull the plaster and have the best time being 23 in one of the most beautiful places on earth. There’s no shortage of men in NZ.

Surely if you planned to move there without him you would be splitting up anyway?

No no and no.

He is glomming on to your plans.

he said that we could live off my salary until he was set up (vice-versa should roles be reversed).

This made me laugh out loud.
You need that salary for a house deposit. Don't give one red cent to him.

If he wants to go let him go under his own steam. Sort his own accomodation etc.

Say exactly what you have said here
I want to stay with my family, I want to have that time with my nieces, and I want to find my feet before going out on my own. If we were together longterm I would feel comfortable sacraficing this, but I think it’s too sudden to make any decisions at this stage of our relationship.

Follow your dreams. Do not edit, delay and reduce them for him.

This, mummy and daddy have paid for him, now he wants you to do the same. Dump, meet some nice NZ guy who pays his way!

Stick to your original plan! Do not let him spoil this for you. If your relationship is meant to be, he will find the motivation to do everything necessary to sort a job and accommodation for himself, without relying on you.

Golden opportunities are rare in life & this is one of them !

You have a golden opportunity !
A job secured with a great salary
Accommodation secured with your loving family
You should not waste this opportunity
Definitely go by yourself & end this relationship before you leave
You will then have the opportunity to explore NZ & make new friends & colleagues

It sounds like he is 29 & never had a proper job & probably never will

I have visited NZ on holiday & I hope that you enjoy your new life there

Just wondering, what is " a career and study break", especially when he does not actually have a career to break from.
OP, you've been very clear that he does not intend to work at all unless it is in a very specific job, for which he lacks the appropriate experience. His plans are just not realistic, unless he hasn't mentioned how his family will continue supporting him.
Don't take on this level of responsibility.

You should split now

But you wouldnt be sharing finances, his plan is to live off you....

Exactly. He wants to live the life of Riley on your dime. I appreciate that you're young and naive, but don't be stupid. Please listen to the advice you've been given here. Most of us are far older and have seen this all before, a hundred times over.

Having done this in the opposite direction my advice is to put your foot down on this and do this independently. This guy needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. First his parents have supported him and now you? It's not attractive or impressive. He is raining on your parade in many ways. I agree he's not going to walk into a highly skilled job. The market in NZ is much slower and there are far less opportunities there. Also agree your family should not allow him in their house with two young children. That's just too much.

This.

How could anyone respect such a moocher?

Tell him to go fuck himself sideways! And find some other mug/cash cow to live off.
He’s a CF of the highest order!

As a New Zealander, I can tell you that rents are very high and so are food prices. Paying for accommodation if you moved into a rented place would be very expensive. And I mean if he can't get a job in Belfast that suits his requirements, what are the chances in New Zealand?

You're obviously a very impressive person to get such a generous package at 23. PLEASE don't blow it because someone who isn't prepared to do a job he considers beneath him wants to free load on you. Sorry if that sounds harsh- but it's the truth. You get on with building your career. He can do the same and you can think again when he's in a position to emigrate in his own right.

Did I read it correctly that you have 2 young children? Who’ll be being uprooted from their UK life & will need a period of adjustment with some things (ie you) staying constant for them.
Moving a new BF in with you all (and one without a job so he’ll be around 24/7 in their new place) would be really insane and wrong.