AIBU? Too early to move in together and share finances temporarily?

[nzwanderer]

Long before we became a couple, I (23) had plans to move to New Zealand once I became qualified in my sector. Due to the delay in having my qualification recognised in NZ, I won’t be moving until March 2024. By March, my boyfriend (29) and I will be together for ONE year. My brother, sister-in-law, and nieces live in New Zealand. They have a four bedroom house and a bedroom waiting for me to make my own until I secure residency and can start the process of buying my own house (should I like NZ).

I have started making connections on Linkedin and was offered a job for when I arrive. We have interviewed a couple of times on Zoom, I have completed assessments, and I have signed a contract. The starting salary is double my salary here in Belfast, and I will receive an initial relocation and welcome bonus when I commence employment.

In the last couple of months, my boyfriend has decided he also wants to move to NZ. He recently finished his MSc and has an undergraduate degree in IT with music production. He comes from a very wealthy family who provided him with an allowance throughout his undergrad degree, but this allowed him to work hard and achieve a high grade. I encouraged him to also use Linkedin to connect to people within his sector and recruiters.

In the nicest way, one recruiter told him that he was very unlikely to get a skilled job in NZ and would recommended that he stay in Belfast, do an internship, and come back when he has more experience and his degree officially recognised. Another recruiter responded to my boyfriend and told him that while his degrees on paper are good and in demand careers, his overall gaps between employment and lack of experience within the IT sector heavily go against him.

My boyfriend is adament he will be in NZ regardless of their feedback, and will sort employment and qualification recognition while there (knowing mine took months). Now he’s not the type of man who would ever work in construction or mining and will say this himself, but he hates his current retail job so much that he swore he would never work retail again… I’m at a complete loss as to what job he expects to find.

I asked what his plans were as he would have no income initially, minimum savings, and he said that we could live off my salary until he was set up (vice-versa should roles be reversed). Here’s the thing, IF we were together longterm then I would have absolutely no issue with this, but we will only be together a year in March! I reminded him that the invite to stay with my family only extended to me, as they haven’t met my boyfriend (not even on FaceTime) and do have two young children. He suggested that we could instead get an AirBnB until we found a rental, but I expressed before (and again) that I felt it would be too soon to move in together.

I love my boyfriend but I also don’t want to be held back any further towards my big move. AIBU? I really think a year is too song to move in together and share finances. I really don’t want to breakup with my boyfriend but I don’t want to be his keeper even more.

Oh he has decided you can both live off your wage, change your plans of where you will live when you arrive. You can support him while he sorts out qualifications and a job he deems worthy.

All this from someone who hates his job, has had every opportunity (family wealth) to improve that in this country but hasn’t? Still works in retail, which he hates? But can’t manage to get anything else?

Don't share with him!

His approach smacks of complacency borne of privilege and there are all kinds of problems that could arise from it. You don't want to be knows in to his situation in such a way that you'll be personally affected by it if he struggles.

You absolutely do want a stable situation from which to be able to excel in your new job and be able to make a clear decision on your future based on every chance for success being given.

If your bf of one year throws a spanner in the works (at the very least this scenario will add significant unnecessary stress) and your path jinks off at a tangent your relationship is likely not to survive that anyway.

Tell him if his plan is rock solid he'll have no trouble executing it even without riding on your coat tails benefiting from your support and you are protecting your relationship by not expecting it to bear the strain of a massive move involving building two brand new careers which to succeed will potentially involve moving in different geographical locations... you might know where you're headed but he doesn't, what if you share and he gets asked to move cities... that will throw things up in the air... so no, you think your relationship will be more likely to succeed if your fortunes in life are parallel but not conjoined at that stage in the relationship. You want to keep all the serious life decision shizzle out of it.

If he kicks off then he's just seeing the fact that you're a ready made housemate and his plan is too flimsy to make it without you.

No no no no no no no

You need to do this alone. This is yours. If he ends up in NZ off his own back then maybe you would like to rekindle the romance. I would re phrase the loving my boyfriend bit of your post as it’s only been 6 months and already he’s telling you how your hard worked for dream is going to work and how it’s now his dream.

I’ve got to agree with others that it’s a bit of a concern, he can’t rely on you and it’s way too early for anything like that. He needs to stay in Belfast or move independently

He sounds like a lazy, entitled freelander tbh. Don’t let anyone or anything mar your experience of moving to NZ (I’m so jealous, I miss it so much!!), this will be the most amazing thing for you and the last thing you need is this prat following you around. He is expecting to live off your money and hang off your coattails while you’re there. That isn’t moving in together and nor is it sharing finances.

He’s not a freelander, he’s a freeloader… obvs 😂

Tbh a freelander would be more useful.

Mumsnet has the answer....
That doesn't work for me

He has entitled cocklodger written all over him. You're so young, don't ruin this amazing experience by burdening yourself with this man. Run for the hills and never look back.

I suppose the question really is what was your plan for when you move? Before he started saying that he was also coming etc? As that's the real clincher to where you see this relationship.
I moved across the country and in with my bf (now husband) and shared finances after 6 months because I knew he was worth the risk of doing so. He financially supported me for several months before I got a permanent job etc. It never felt forced or an inconvenience (I was 25).

By what you describe it doesn't sound like you see your relationship as going the same way so if that's the case then I would break it off now. It doesn't sound like you want a move for both of you as a couple which is absolutely fine but be clear about that.

OP you sound like you have an absolutely wonderful life set up. Don’t let it be spoiled by you resenting a BF and having to look after him and beg for your relatives to let him stay with them etc.

go and start your life! If he comes over and reconnects with you and you haven’t met someone else then all good, but don’t let this hold you back now.

Absolutely not and if I were your sil, I would make it very clear that my offer of accommodation extends to you only.

It's a hard no, I think. You've actually been together for only SIX months, which is no time at all.

Ha ha, exactly.

OP, you are absolutely right not to want this to happen. And it also sounds like you are conducting your life with great purpose and pragmatism. No wonder your naive and aimless boyfriend wants to hitch his wagon to yours.

He could be getting a job in IT Music industry now but isn't. Is he looking in Belfast or not bothering? No he can't live off your salary. He needs to earn his own money and only if he can do that can he move to NZ and certainly not live with your brother and his family. He needs to learn to stand on his own 2 feet financially and not rely on handouts from others.

He needs to stay in UK and build up his experience to get the visa.

Don’t give up free room and board at your DB and SIL’s house, that’s an amazing benefit that many people would kill for!

Oh gosh, don't do it. If he really wants to join you in NZ, he will find a way to do it himself. Even if you'd been together a few years it'd be no different in my experience. I emigrated with my now ex after 6 years together. He was working and earning. I wasn't, visa limitations and my lack of suitable qualifications made it very hard for me to get work legally. Even though we both knew that was going to be the situation when we went out there, that was a big factor in our relationship ending. I hated the disparity on our relationship and resented him for it, and he resented me too. If we'd been on equal footing it might have been very different.

If your boyfriend really wanted to be with you, he would build up his career here and join you once he was able to get a visa in his own right.

If you were both staying in the UK, it would be fine to find somewhere to rent together. It's very different in a new a country where one person is meeting new people, establishing their career etc while the other person is at home without a job or only able to work cash in hand.

You have worked hard and set up a wonderful opportunity for yourself.
Dont sacrifice any part of it for a man.
Six months in... NOT a year.. he is planning to live off your money... crash your plans..
I dont think so!!

If he wants out of his current job, let him find another.
If he wants to go to NZ, let him do that for himself, by himself.
When you get to NZ you will be forging a whole new lifestyle, meeting people who have a completely different mindset.. you should do that for yourself, by yourself.
You are still so young, so many adventures in front of you.. can you tell I am jealous??😉
Do this for you, dont take excess baggage.
Be very clear what YOU want... and do that.
Good luck and build a wonderful life.

No, no and no.

You’re right to stick to your guns. Move independently.

Even if you hadn’t said what your dp’s partners degree was in, I could have guessed it was something like music production, art, or something. Ie. Cocklodger territory. A career that relies on reputation, building up a network of contacts etc, rather than a solid career (apologies to all creatives out there, I know it’s a career - I have family in the industry, but getting your name out there is a big part of it). In New Zealand, he’ll be an unknown with no experience behind him.

(the cock-emigration comment made me giggle)

Goodness no. Even if you wanted to I doubt it would be sustainable financially. Presumably you’d be in an entry level role - is this going to pay for air bnb, rentals, food, bills, entertainment etc? Particularly to the standard he would be looking for. Oh and claim he needs - getting out to meet people in the music industry. He isn’t going to sit alone in the flat whilst you work eating beans on toast. You’d end up flat broke or getting into debt for him (he won’t be able to get credit) whilst he swans around “making connections” on your coin.

This! You need to be clear with yourself first what you want, too, which I think you are in respect of your career but not where your boyfriend stands.

To clarify, his first undergrad degree was in Music Productin (achieved high grade) but he couldn’t find a job within this sector. He returned to university a couple of years later and did a year long course in Software Development and he secured employment in that sector for under a year, but was let go during the pandemic. He had a career and study break for just over a year until last August, where he started his retail job and MSc. The MSc is in Software Design and AI.

He’s currently in the process of building an online portfolio and finishing a website, therefore he hasn’t started applying for jobs here in Belfast until this is complete. He’s very picky and wants a remote role, but also wants to be on more money than typically offered at entry level. I think he sent his CV onto a few recruiters here but didn’t hear anything back.

He had a career and study break for just over a year until last August, where he started his retail job and MSc.

What was he doing that year?

He’s very picky and wants a remote role, but also wants to be on more money that’s typically offered at entry level.

This guy will be an albatross around your neck. Don’t get sucked into renting a place in NZ for him because his family have money, they will assume you are happy to pay for him and won’t support him.

For context, we became an official couple in March but were dating for a few months beforehand.

The opportunity to move to NZ, be on a good salary, and reunited with my family outweighs any sadness I have about leaving my boyfriend behind. Obviously, my relationship will end (we both agreed we wouldn’t do LDR) so I will be going through that and feeling all the sadness that comes along with it.

If he moved independently, took the recruiters advice onboard, came out to NZ with the assessed qualification, experience, a job lined up, and savings, I would find this more than attractive and be turned on by that ambition & drive! If he did do this, then I of course would rent an Air BnB with him (50/50 split costs) and leave my family’s house.

It’s not even an option to change plans. I want to stay with my family, I want to have that time with my nieces, and I want to find my feet before going out on my own. If we were together longterm I would feel comfortable sacraficing this, but I think it’s too sudden to make any decisions at this stage of our relationship - and with move being such a big one, they do have to be made in advance.

Where do you see your relationship going?
it sounds very much like you are not that invested, so you should probably break up now.