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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Too early to move in together and share finances temporarily?

120 replies

nzwanderer · 16/09/2023 08:31

Long before we became a couple, I (23) had plans to move to New Zealand once I became qualified in my sector. Due to the delay in having my qualification recognised in NZ, I won’t be moving until March 2024. By March, my boyfriend (29) and I will be together for ONE year. My brother, sister-in-law, and nieces live in New Zealand. They have a four bedroom house and a bedroom waiting for me to make my own until I secure residency and can start the process of buying my own house (should I like NZ).

I have started making connections on Linkedin and was offered a job for when I arrive. We have interviewed a couple of times on Zoom, I have completed assessments, and I have signed a contract. The starting salary is double my salary here in Belfast, and I will receive an initial relocation and welcome bonus when I commence employment.

In the last couple of months, my boyfriend has decided he also wants to move to NZ. He recently finished his MSc and has an undergraduate degree in IT with music production. He comes from a very wealthy family who provided him with an allowance throughout his undergrad degree, but this allowed him to work hard and achieve a high grade. I encouraged him to also use Linkedin to connect to people within his sector and recruiters.

In the nicest way, one recruiter told him that he was very unlikely to get a skilled job in NZ and would recommended that he stay in Belfast, do an internship, and come back when he has more experience and his degree officially recognised. Another recruiter responded to my boyfriend and told him that while his degrees on paper are good and in demand careers, his overall gaps between employment and lack of experience within the IT sector heavily go against him.

My boyfriend is adament he will be in NZ regardless of their feedback, and will sort employment and qualification recognition while there (knowing mine took months). Now he’s not the type of man who would ever work in construction or mining and will say this himself, but he hates his current retail job so much that he swore he would never work retail again… I’m at a complete loss as to what job he expects to find.

I asked what his plans were as he would have no income initially, minimum savings, and he said that we could live off my salary until he was set up (vice-versa should roles be reversed). Here’s the thing, IF we were together longterm then I would have absolutely no issue with this, but we will only be together a year in March! I reminded him that the invite to stay with my family only extended to me, as they haven’t met my boyfriend (not even on FaceTime) and do have two young children. He suggested that we could instead get an AirBnB until we found a rental, but I expressed before (and again) that I felt it would be too soon to move in together.

I love my boyfriend but I also don’t want to be held back any further towards my big move. AIBU? I really think a year is too song to move in together and share finances. I really don’t want to breakup with my boyfriend but I don’t want to be his keeper even more.

OP posts:
towriteyoumustlive · 16/09/2023 08:39

Your BF needs to move independently to NZ if he thinks it's right for him.

You are right to stick to your plan and move in with your family and it is far too soon in the relationship to be making alternate plans as you have no idea how its going to work.

He sounds a little like he is used to relying on other people's money so never had that sense of self survival.

OwlBasket · 16/09/2023 08:41

You’ve been together for six months. No. I’ve heard of cock-lodging but cock-emigration is a new one on me

enjoyingscience · 16/09/2023 08:43

Big fat no. Just get on your way, do t let him ride your coat tails.

Whataretheodds · 16/09/2023 08:45

he said that we could live off my salary until he was set up

For this and all the other reasons in your post it's a NO from me.

He sounds as though he's telling you what to do. Not a good start.

Be free.

AlanGrantsNeckerchief · 16/09/2023 08:46

Stick to your plan. he needs to make his own plan that doesn’t involve scrounging off you and your family (who i’m sure absolutely wouldn’t want him to love in with you)

DisforDarkChocolate · 16/09/2023 08:50

So he's never had to work for a living and is now planning to live of you?

Oh that's a very hard no. He needs to spend some time being responsible for himself.

BMrs · 16/09/2023 08:50

I don't think a year is too little time to make the move but your obvious reluctance tells me it is too much for you.

If he was the right person to make the one with, you'd be going for it. Trust your gut and don't let him burden your fantastic opportunity

Purplewarrior · 16/09/2023 08:51

Nope! He’s taking the piss.

Forge ahead with your own plans but make it clear you will be staying with family ALONE and cannot subsidise him.

CinemaCrazy · 16/09/2023 08:52

Stick to your plan, your boyfriend needs to know if he moved there he has to do it independently to you. You need to spell it out that you have sorted accommodation for yourself only.

Nappyvalley15 · 16/09/2023 08:53

Stick with your plan.

If he's a keeper then he will knuckle down and get some work experience in the UK and then try to join you. Sounds like he should be able to get a good job then.

He shouldn't plan to be supported by you.

1willgetthere · 16/09/2023 08:53

He needs to get a job in his industry in Belfast now and get some experience then possibly move over say June when you have your own place and he has something on his CV.

BibbleandSqwauk · 16/09/2023 08:55

@BMrs if it was a year in and he also had a job lined up or excellent prospects of getting one I would agree with you..though I'd caution the op about keeping everything pretty unentangled, rent only, don't buy etc for a significant period. But that's not the case. He's basically following her dream and trying to "ride along" her opportunity. No OP. Go, make your own life out there and see what happens. 23 is v v young. You have years ahead of you to find a great, ambitious, resourceful partner.

Saturdaygirl01 · 16/09/2023 08:56

What do you actually want? If he doesn’t move to NZ do you want a long distance relationship? If you don’t want him to move with you do you want to be with him at all? Do you want to split up when you move?

I think you should be clear with him.

Talipesmum · 16/09/2023 08:57

I think a year does seem too soon to be effectively having to support him in something this big and uncertain, especially when it doesn’t seem that easy for him to rapidly sort out.

I am intrigued though - your plan is to move to NZ, sounds like fairly permanently or at least for the medium term - would you not have had to break up with your BF then anyway? Had you thought about this? Sounds like he’s planning based on “this is what you both need to do to stick together as a couple” and it doesn’t really sound like that’s been part of your plan (not criticising you - you’re young and it’s a short relationship). Sounds like you need to be honest with him and yourself about where you see the relationship going, cos it seems like it needs a decision really.

sjj28358 · 16/09/2023 08:57

You presumably had your plan to emigrate long before you even met him. You've now been together for a few months and decided you really quite like each other and it's thrown a bit of a spanner in the works.

There are three main possible scenarios here:

1 If you move to NZ and he doesn't, realistically it's probably the end of your relationship: how does that make you feel?

2 How would you feel if he moved to NZ independently of you? Followed you there but wasn't a financial drain or tie and you didn't live together until later in your relationship, Would that be better for you or would you still feel you were responsible for him moving to the other side of the world? He might be hurt that you don't like him enough to support him initially, but maybe deep down, you want a fresh start?

  1. Third option is that you change your own plans to accommodate him (eg maybe you wait until he has residency permissions and a job too, and you don't live with family when you arrive).

Ultimately it's down to you to decide how valuable the relationship is to you, and whether your plan to emigrate is more important to you than the relationship is.

I'm interested to know how things pan out as faced a similar situation myself once (changed my life plan for a fledgling relationship which ultimately didn't work out, and looking back, it wasn't the right thing for me to have done).

FloweryWowery · 16/09/2023 09:00

You won't be 'sharing finances'. You will be paying for everything, potentially for a very long time as you say yourself he has no chance of getting a job. This will suit him very well.

TeeBee · 16/09/2023 09:01

He offered to share your money with himself??! That's good of him!

Dotcheck · 16/09/2023 09:02

OP
You are about to embark on the most wonderful adventure- new country, new job in your career, being reunited with family.

6 months in, and this guy is suggesting he lives off you? He deserves to be dumped for that- wildly inappropriate.
You should be looking forward to this move with excitement, not worry over your boyfriend.

If you really must stay with him, insist that he has to establish himself under his own steam, and that he must allow you the space and freedom to do the same in your chosen country

Thisbastardcomputer · 16/09/2023 09:03

"He sounds a little like he is used to relying on other people's money so never had that sense of self survival."

This ^ Red flags

givemeasunnyday · 16/09/2023 09:04

I don't think a year is too soon to move in together, BUT there is a lot more to this decision than that. I think you should carry on with the plans you already had in place, and if he wants to move then he needs to do it independently. Otherwise you could be paying his expenses for a long time, and he doesn't sound terribly serious about finding employment.

It sounds as though you have a lovely adventure ahead of you, don't let him spoil it.

Iammetoday · 16/09/2023 09:04

Gut instinct is right he's using you to move to NZ. He's seen a way out of his rubbish retail job.
Stand your ground, don't fund his move you do you and if he can then join you lovely! Can he get residency or will he be on a holiday visa or what? Cost of living is higher in NZ than here so make sure he's aware,you have your family there but he could end up unemployed or on a holiday visa trying to make a go of it.
Too early to share finances yet, be honest now with him is my advice!

zazazoop · 16/09/2023 09:05

No no no no this sounds like it turn your dream into an nightmare.

Thepeopleversuswork · 16/09/2023 09:05

Don't do it. I have been in a similar situation: I was relocated to another country through my job and my then husband moved with me, planning to get another job. He found it much much harder to get a job than he expected to and he basically lived off me for the best part of two years. It put a huge strain on our marriage and was a contributing factor to the fact we split a few years later.

In all likelihood you will end up supporting him and resenting him. He will feel emasculated. It's absolutely the kiss of death for a relationship.

If he's motivated enough to be with you he'll find a way. Don't make this the millstone around your neck.

SunRainStorm · 16/09/2023 09:08

Stick to your plan.

Im aghast at him intending to live off you in NZ!

PaminaMozart · 16/09/2023 09:09

Thisbastardcomputer · 16/09/2023 09:03

"He sounds a little like he is used to relying on other people's money so never had that sense of self survival."

This ^ Red flags

Oh yes. Cut your losses now, @nzwanderer

And kudos to the PP who coined the term cock-emigration... 😂