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AIBU?

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Original poster

Really stressed on holiday

144 replies

holidays23 · 15/09/2023 18:28

Hi everyone

Don't know how to navigate this so appreciate any advice.

We are away with 3 couples, we've been friends for over 12 years. We've all got our children with us and we are staying in a villa.

One of them, my DH is super close to, think plays sport together, we're regularly at each others houses, they work together sometimes etc.

Friend has a bit of a control issue/jealous/doesn't trust anyone. We will call him Adam and his wife Jane.

I was by the pool with our baby, other friends and their kids and my Husband was upstairs using the toilet and Jane went inside. Adam immediately came out from the kitchen asking where my Husband and his wife were, I turned to say my Husband was in the toilet. He kept saying "where are they?" I said I don't know where Jane is but DH is using the toilet. He rushed indoors and came back outside with Jane.

I said to Jane when we were together in the kitchen "Adam had a bit of a panic about you and DH being in the villa together without anyone else?" and Jane said "He doesn't trust anyone, he's an idiot" and shrugged it off. She also said that he commented to her that I was "allowed" to walk around the villa in a bikini (only when popping in to grab one of the kids bits or drinks etc) and unless she is laid down on the sun bed or in the pool, she has to wear her cover up because he gets jealous.

Today, we went out and the kids ran through some sprinklers, Jane did too whilst laughing and Adam made a comment about he hopes her white T-shirt dries soon as it was now see through and inappropriate (she had a bikini top on under a T-shirt).

It's making me really anxious and unhappy to be around, he's also constantly on at their kids, smothering them in suncream every 5 minutes (literally), shouting at them to stop going underwater in case they get water in their lungs? Shouting because their 12 year old walked ahead of us today and got on an escalator without an adult.

He also keeps making comments about me not watching our baby in the sun and fussing that she's hot (she was laying on the sunbed next to me asleep with a hat on, a UV protection full swim suit including legs and arms plus factor 50 suncream and the big umbrella up, completely in the shade). I regularly go and sit indoors with her in the air con or my DH does but she's not showing any signs of being hot. She's drinking her usual amount of milk plus cool boiled water (about 3oz throughout the day) and it's making me paranoid.

I've always known that he has anxiety and can be jealous but I didn't realise it was to this extent.

He also makes multiple "jokey" comments about the women in our friendship group like joking that our baby is really his and not DH's, if one of us bends over he'll make a sexual "joke", that kind of thing but because he's the "big joker" of the group, nobody bats an eyelid where as it makes me uncomfortable.

I told DH when we were in bed about him asking where him and Jane were and DH laughed and said "of course he did, this is Adam remember" and shrugged it off. I'd be devastated if one of my best friends questioned why I was indoors with her Husband but DH is so used to him being like this, it doesn't phase him.

Any ideas on how to navigate this for the next week because it's really getting on my nerves.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 16/09/2023 11:18

Theblacksheepandme · 16/09/2023 11:01

I really dont think antagonising him is the way to go. I tried that at one stage and it just makes men like that worse. It's enjoyable at first to watch them squirm but they win in the end with this tactic. They have a way of making you look like the bully and them playing the victim.

Show quote history

I think if he insinuated that my husband was inside with his wife having sex. I'd be entitled to call him out on it.

itsmylife7 · 16/09/2023 11:18

Reply every time to him " give it a rest its getting boring now "

Honestly you all sound scared of this foolish man.

Brefugee · 16/09/2023 11:18

In your shoes? I'd tell him to shut his yapp if he directed sexual innuendo at me. Or joked my baby was his.
Every time

Theblacksheepandme · 16/09/2023 11:32

FerretFarago · 16/09/2023 11:16

Ok, fair enough @Theblacksheepandme. Just walk away and keep a wide berth from him from now on.

You don’t have to facilitate your DH’s and Adams get together in future, just go low contact from him yourself.

I don't fully agree with this either in relation to just walking away. I did say that it's crucial that OP sits her husband down to stress that his friends behaviour is completely unacceptable. He is an abusive arsehole and shouldn't be allowed to get away with any of this unacceptable behaviour.

At least if she can firstly get her husband on side, they can deal with him together. Her husband may be able to also then speak to the other men and make them see that his behaviour shouldn't be tolerated any longer. His wife and kids need OP in their life because she seems to be the only one to see him for who he really is at the moment.

ihadamarveloustime · 16/09/2023 11:36

So he's genuinely worried people might be checking out his wife in a bikini and actively prevents her from being alone in a building with a male friend, but thinks it's okay to make jokes about your baby being his?

I'd be kicking off loudly at the asshole. His behaviour isn't acceptable or funny. It's controlling and creepy.

Theblacksheepandme · 16/09/2023 11:41

justasking111 · 16/09/2023 11:18

I think if he insinuated that my husband was inside with his wife having sex. I'd be entitled to call him out on it.

Show quote history

Of course she's entitled to call this arsehole out on his behaviour, but it's all about knowing how to cleverly deal with men like this. These men have a way of making themselves the victim.

I had this experience with my sisters now ex boyfriend. I also spent my childhood with 2 siblings and a Mother like this. I spent 37 years calling these people out and it didn't work.

The most important thing is to try to get people around them to no longer be enablers. This also doesn't always work.

Theblacksheepandme · 16/09/2023 12:11

holidays23 · 15/09/2023 22:33

Thanks everybody

DH has been friends since they were at school so it's a difficult one to cut off if he wanted to. He has tried several times over the years to get Adam help for his anxiety and offered to go with him but he refuses saying they'll put him on medication and he won't take it. I think DH feels sorry for him as he had an abusive childhood and DH is also very laid back but sometimes he does say "you'd kill me if I said that to Jane" when he makes a sexual innuendo or comment. Not that my DH ever would.

DH stepped in when he was around to hear it and said she's absolutely fine (about our daughter) when he was trying to control the situation.

Jane has put up with this behaviour since they were 16 when they got together, he's always been controlling and jealous according to her. I had another chat about it tonight with her on the quiet.

There was a fall out about 7 years ago between another couple (friends) but it's a bit outing, let's just say Jane was drunk and crying in the pub toilet saying she wanted to leave him and she was so long in there with a female friend because she was upset and didn't want to come out looking like she'd been crying that he accused her of having an affair with the female friend and it all blew up.

I forgot to ask if other couple are no longer friends with the group? I get that they're most likely not friends with Adam and his wife. Were they friends with the whole group 7 years ago?

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/09/2023 12:47

@holidays23

why is your husband labelling abusive and misogynistic behaviour as anxiety?? It’s not anxiety

billy1966 · 16/09/2023 13:01

Your husband doesn't sound great choosing to expose his family to a nasty abusive prick.

Can't believe you aren't able to tell him to STFU interfering with your parenting and implying your husband is unfaithful.

He sounds like utter scum.

What company for and awful modelling for your children to be around.

Have a look at your own husband.

No decent man would want his family in such company.

Hotsaucegal · 16/09/2023 13:06

its horrible that he was the victim of childhood abuse but that doesn’t absolve him of his present behaviour.

plenty of people have provided advise about how to manage your time on holiday but I think you also need to think about this friendship moving beyond the vacation period. If it were me I’d probably just tell my husband that I don’t want to invite him to things or attend things where he is present any longer. Make a stand!

Hibiscrubbed · 16/09/2023 13:06

“Adam, is there something wrong with you? Shut the fuck up.”

Therealjudgejudy · 16/09/2023 13:16

Call out his behaviour. Every. Single. Time

Brefugee · 16/09/2023 13:22

tbh the men should be putting a stop to this, it is not only down to women to make these sexist idiots STFU

EdinaMonsoon · 16/09/2023 13:28

OP you have my utmost sympathy. I was stuck in a similar situation myself earlier this year. The “Adam” in my case is also known as the one who always takes it too far and when he’s met with stony silence simply excuses himself with “well that’s me. You know what I’m like”. This has mostly been annoying but tolerable because it was never more than a few hours together. This year, they came to stay with me for a week (I now live overseas) and it was completely awful and drove me to anxiety, triggered by his controlling behaviour towards his family and the unacceptable way he basically took over my home and treated me like a guest. Nobody is allowed to answer a question for themselves. He jumps in and talks for them. He makes lewd jokes, commented on my appearance when his wife was absent (I ignored) and has to know where everyone is all the time - he even said that he wanted to add ME to their family tracking app! That caused me to laugh out loud and say “whatever the fuck for?” Which of course he couldn’t answer. He chooses clothes & meals & drinks for his daughter and wife. His son has freedom of choice. He’s a “big character” like yours and that can make it all the more difficult for us to feel we can challenge. He even tried to shit stir between DH and I by messaging him about a couple of male friends I have here.

I don’t have any words of wisdom for you. I feel angry with myself for not really saying anything and for the way his behaviour is excused by everyone. I tried talking to his wife who is a close friend. She explains it all away with saying he suffers from anxiety. It’s bullshit. Being anxious doesn’t give you the right to be a controlling arsehole. I have come to the conclusion that when I next see him I have to have a frank conversation with him, alone but with my DH being aware (he was away during the visit). I think this tallies with other responses saying to ignore in your current situation but not to let it slide when you return. I’m not sure it will make a difference but as someone who was abused and controlled in my past, I feel compelled to face this head on. It’s not my place to call him out on his behaviour towards his family but I am certainly free to speak to how his behaviour impacts me. Perhaps you or rather your DH could do the same?

Theblacksheepandme · 16/09/2023 14:38

EdinaMonsoon · 16/09/2023 13:28

OP you have my utmost sympathy. I was stuck in a similar situation myself earlier this year. The “Adam” in my case is also known as the one who always takes it too far and when he’s met with stony silence simply excuses himself with “well that’s me. You know what I’m like”. This has mostly been annoying but tolerable because it was never more than a few hours together. This year, they came to stay with me for a week (I now live overseas) and it was completely awful and drove me to anxiety, triggered by his controlling behaviour towards his family and the unacceptable way he basically took over my home and treated me like a guest. Nobody is allowed to answer a question for themselves. He jumps in and talks for them. He makes lewd jokes, commented on my appearance when his wife was absent (I ignored) and has to know where everyone is all the time - he even said that he wanted to add ME to their family tracking app! That caused me to laugh out loud and say “whatever the fuck for?” Which of course he couldn’t answer. He chooses clothes & meals & drinks for his daughter and wife. His son has freedom of choice. He’s a “big character” like yours and that can make it all the more difficult for us to feel we can challenge. He even tried to shit stir between DH and I by messaging him about a couple of male friends I have here.

I don’t have any words of wisdom for you. I feel angry with myself for not really saying anything and for the way his behaviour is excused by everyone. I tried talking to his wife who is a close friend. She explains it all away with saying he suffers from anxiety. It’s bullshit. Being anxious doesn’t give you the right to be a controlling arsehole. I have come to the conclusion that when I next see him I have to have a frank conversation with him, alone but with my DH being aware (he was away during the visit). I think this tallies with other responses saying to ignore in your current situation but not to let it slide when you return. I’m not sure it will make a difference but as someone who was abused and controlled in my past, I feel compelled to face this head on. It’s not my place to call him out on his behaviour towards his family but I am certainly free to speak to how his behaviour impacts me. Perhaps you or rather your DH could do the same?

Crikey @EdinaMonsoon I think I would have had to tell him and his family to find somewhere else to stay. Easy for me to say I know.

Please don't be angry with yourself, it's extremely difficult to be around people like this. For what it's worth, it shows how strong you were to have not lost it with him.

I think you're completely right to have a frank discussion with him next time you and your husband sees him. It will be good to have your husband with you.

Anxiety in no way excuses this abusive behaviour. I suffer from anxiety, I also had a terrible childhood and into early adulthood. Under no circumstances did it make me abusive towards my husband, daughter or friends. Maybe angry with the World and counselling has helped with that. I don't think I am fully fixed and find some things triggering but I would never be abusive.

I just don't get how these people get away with it.

Takenoprisoner · 16/09/2023 15:18

PleaseUseTheSanitaryBinsProvided · 16/09/2023 09:30

Ah yes that classic - it’s the woman’s fault

Show quote history

of course I'm not blaming her, but there's nothing to be gained by me criticising this tedious misogynist man, is there? The op can only change her own behaviours and reasonses. she's not a helpless child is she? i find her and her husband's passive acceptance of this very odd. we can only take some responsibility for our own actions, not for someone else's.

BlowDryRat · 16/09/2023 15:54

He sounds revolting. Poor Jane. Luckily you aren't married to him. If he pulls crap with you then pull him up on it.

billy1966 · 16/09/2023 16:37

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billy1966 · 16/09/2023 16:37

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GreenTuraco · 16/09/2023 17:03

"Jeez Adam, take a chill pill, we're on holiday"
"Ugh enough with the comments, you sound like a perve"
Then just blissfully carry on with what you are doing.

EdinaMonsoon · 16/09/2023 17:19

@billy1966 Yes. All my fault 🙄 FFS.

Happinessandlove · 17/09/2023 02:44

So I entirely agree that this guy sounds insufferable and a bit perverted. I would also say that the double standards are very telling of his mindset. I would check-in with Jane and offer support. I am also going to act as devils advocate here....you do not know the history of the family...maybe Jane has has had an affair before? This would explain his nervousness and wanting her to cover up. Maybe there has been an incident with his kids in the past ? You can judge his behaviour toward you, absolutely, but the family behaviour may be more complex. You must stand up to him for yourself....speak to Jane, see if there is any history. People are a product of their environment, events and their own make up.

grownuplefthome · 17/09/2023 17:44

Sadly there are a lot of men who are like this, even more sad is the fact that their wives have “grown used to it” it is coercive behaviour bordering on bullying and mental abuse. However it is her problem, so please try to ignore him and I hope you can relax a little and enjoy your holiday.

Aworldofwonder · 17/09/2023 17:54

I would call him out every single time.

Why do you keep telling me how to parent?
Why you implying there is something going on between our spouses?
Why do you think it's ok to say that to me?
I don't like being in your company while you're abusive to Jane; why would you come on a group holiday if you have no consideration for the other people here?

Motherofasmallpony · 17/09/2023 18:20

He sounds charming 🙄 Try and separate yourself from it, support poor Jane, and feel positive and happy that you are not married to him. This is all you can do as you can’t control the way other people are - only how you respond to them xx