Page 6 | Ds19 not come home

bellaroo92 · 2023-09-15T05:44:23+00:00

So am I worrying for nothing, not sure what to do? Ds19 messaged me last night at 9.30 saying he's at a mates and will be back about 11. Well he's not back and his phone is switched off. He has work at 7! He has done this before but on a weekend when he's not had work. Now I'm thinking has he been arrested or in hospital but no idea how to find out. Anyone know?

Nanny0gg · 16/09/2023 18:32

Missingpop · 16/09/2023 18:02

He’s met a girl & has stayed at hers; leave him to it; he’s not thinking of you today mummy!! he’s too busy; for work as well; he’s busy making the girl smile 😊

Ever thought of reading the OP's posts?

@bellaroo92 have you been able to talk yet? I worry that he's avoiding it

katem98 · 16/09/2023 18:44

@bellaroo92 Just a little FYI. If he really rejects your advice to speak to the GP, you can phone them on his behalf and request a 3rd party tel call or face to face appointment. They obviously won't be able to discuss medical records with you but they would note your consultation on his notes and can give you a ton of advice/ numbers/ websites for help with your son for himself (and you).

Original poster

bellaroo92 · 16/09/2023 18:51

We've not really had time today to have a proper talk. He's been to see his dad and Nan most of the day and going to see his cousins house now.

He has told me he's sorry for what he's done, he feels ashamed and feels such an idiot regarding his job and can't believe that he didn't go in or ring up.
He's messaged his boss today apologising and told him what had happened but no reply from him her. So more than likely he sit have a job Monday and now he's gutted.

Told him it's all down to him if he doesn't have a job and he needs to grow up now and start acting like an adult.
He said Monday morning he's going to do his best to look for a new job and may think about speaking to someone about his feelings.

I don't want to keep going on at him so I've told him I'm always here for him if he ever needs to talk, gave him a hug told him I love him.

Hopefully will be able to speak more tomorrow or monday

OP posts:

Original poster

bellaroo92 · 16/09/2023 18:53

katem98 · 16/09/2023 18:44

@bellaroo92 Just a little FYI. If he really rejects your advice to speak to the GP, you can phone them on his behalf and request a 3rd party tel call or face to face appointment. They obviously won't be able to discuss medical records with you but they would note your consultation on his notes and can give you a ton of advice/ numbers/ websites for help with your son for himself (and you).

Thank you for that. I will give them a call Monday if he feels he can't or doesn't want to

OP posts:

Aulddeacon · 16/09/2023 19:03

Don’t know if this helps when I was that age work came second to girls and drink had the odd fight.
I would disappear for the weekend drive my parents daft.
then I settled down been ether a foreman or manager in all my jobs till I retired he’s still young just be there for him don’t throw him out he needs a haven best of luck to both of you .

Huxley1234 · 16/09/2023 19:58

I’ve been here so many times when my son was that age. I’ve phoned police stations and hospitals and ploughed through snow a foot deep looking fir him. He’d appear the next day as if nothing was amiss. He’ll turn up tomorrow as bold as brass and you’ll be so thankful you won’t even be cross.

VeganStar · 16/09/2023 20:12

OP I’ve been through similar with my DD. If you go to the gp about his mental health you can get a drs paper covering his time off work. If you get one for a few weeks or even months and backdate it, it will give him time to sort himself out and decide wether he wants to go back to work there.
They can’t sack him for mental health issues

CalishataFolkart · 16/09/2023 20:46

Told him it's all down to him if he doesn't have a job and he needs to grow up now and start acting like an adult.

So when he opened up to you as you wanted and told you he felt sorry and ashamed and an idiot, you responded by kicking him whilst he was down? I’m not suggesting you should baby him or clean up his messes, but the lad took an overdose a couple of days ago. He’s clearly not coping, not happy and you were angry he didn’t come and talk to you first. Maybe he knew the reaction he would get and didn’t feel like he could deal with it. He isn’t running home for the big chat you’re supposed to be having.

I don’t dispute that you love him and care deeply, but there’s something stopping him coming to you first.

Pinkglobelamp · 16/09/2023 21:05

It's natural to be angry at suicidal thoughts, feelings, attempts or suicide itself. I've lost loved ones to suicide and I'm furious, even years later.

Of course it's important to have somewhere to express your anger so that you can put it aside when you're with your son. He needs you to be calm, supportive, understanding and loving, so expressing it here, or with friends or therapy if needed, is a good thing.

I hope your son feels able to open up to you when he's recovered from the initial shock and I hope you're ok.

Original poster

bellaroo92 · 16/09/2023 22:06

CalishataFolkart · 16/09/2023 20:46

Told him it's all down to him if he doesn't have a job and he needs to grow up now and start acting like an adult.

So when he opened up to you as you wanted and told you he felt sorry and ashamed and an idiot, you responded by kicking him whilst he was down? I’m not suggesting you should baby him or clean up his messes, but the lad took an overdose a couple of days ago. He’s clearly not coping, not happy and you were angry he didn’t come and talk to you first. Maybe he knew the reaction he would get and didn’t feel like he could deal with it. He isn’t running home for the big chat you’re supposed to be having.

I don’t dispute that you love him and care deeply, but there’s something stopping him coming to you first.

Honestly argue with someone else. I don't have the energy!

I wasn't bringing him down, you wasn't there. I didn't bring him down or make him feel worse. I was agreeing with what he said it also reassuring him what he has done isn't the end of the world of the worse thing that could happen!

OP posts:

Original poster

bellaroo92 · 16/09/2023 22:09

Pinkglobelamp · 16/09/2023 21:05

It's natural to be angry at suicidal thoughts, feelings, attempts or suicide itself. I've lost loved ones to suicide and I'm furious, even years later.

Of course it's important to have somewhere to express your anger so that you can put it aside when you're with your son. He needs you to be calm, supportive, understanding and loving, so expressing it here, or with friends or therapy if needed, is a good thing.

I hope your son feels able to open up to you when he's recovered from the initial shock and I hope you're ok.

Thank you! Yes I was angry and I did show it to him at first. Then I walked away composed myself went back and was there for him.

Today we have had a few words. As much has he wanted. Hopefully speak more tomorrow or Monday

OP posts:

Redsippycup · 16/09/2023 22:51

OP, call me cynical but if I'm honest I'd be suspicious that in his drunken guilt at his behaviour, he's lost all sensible reason and looked through the tablets in the house and has had a bit of a Google to see what he could take that wouldn't hurt him but would make you feel sorry for him and not give him a massive bollocking.

I mean, presumably like most households you have things like paracetamol etc. that he knows would do damage if that's what he actually wanted? Rather than some random thing he'd never heard of and that he didn't know what it was for.

Obviously you can't take the risk that he did mean to hurt himself, but I'd have it in the back of my mind. It's just the way he's apparently being devastated about his job and having a 'problem' when he drinks, but he's also managed to see a selection of people in various places today and conveniently avoided you and the talk he agreed to have.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 16/09/2023 23:10

I do think he's suffering with feelings of rejection from his dad, especially with the news of the adoption. Please try to get him to talking therapy, he'd probably open up to a therapist more than he would you. I've been in your position, it's a constant worry. Your anger comes from a place of panic and fear. Be kind to yourself and please get him help. Good Luck.

RecklessGoddess · 17/09/2023 01:23

He lives under her roof, and is still her son, no matter how old he is. It's called common courtesy, and respect!

Ukrainebaby23 · 17/09/2023 08:06

Hope you are both doing OK. I can see you are a very caring parent, it's gonna be tough on you if you aren't the one he needs to share with.

Even, or especially, if you are the most important person in his life, telling you his thoughts might just be too difficult. He probably won't want 'to let you down' even though that's not what you think.

If u can, make sure he knows sharing with someone else is ok if it helps him, and signpost him to mens help groups like Andys shed, motorcycle mental health, there must be others

Young mens mental health is really tricky and sadly not always acknowledged.

Tough call, sorry.

LadyatLady82 · 17/09/2023 08:27

OP I can see you love your son dearly and have so much compassion for him. The hurt you feel is because you love him so much. The first thing he has to do is stop drinking and taking substances as these are not helping in any way. He really needs to think about getting some help now before this takes over his life.

he’ll be dealing with a lot as I said in my PP low self worth/self esteem issues of loneliness, shame and abandonment.

I really hope you manage to get him some help.

Chiaseedling · 17/09/2023 08:35

I also have a 19 year old son who struggles w his mental health, but in different ways. The main thing is that you do talk it out, and he can come up with some solutions. Would he be open to counselling (mine has had therapy on and off but it’s never been effective cos the bugger thinks he knows better), everyone is different though and it depends on his issues. Good luck.