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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ds19 not come home

142 replies

bellaroo92 · 15/09/2023 06:44

So am I worrying for nothing, not sure what to do?

Ds19 messaged me last night at 9.30 saying he's at a mates and will be back about 11.
Well he's not back and his phone is switched off. He has work at 7!

He has done this before but on a weekend when he's not had work.

Now I'm thinking has he been arrested or in hospital but no idea how to find out.

Anyone know?

OP posts:
mrsfollowill · 15/09/2023 22:30

Good luck with everything- I've got a 21 yr old at home. I worry far more these days than when he was a toddler- at least when he was shouting his head off when supposed to be asleep I knew he was safe in the house.
It sounds like you have a good relationship and you have been very calm and supportive.
My mum said to me when I was about 18- if you ever feel like life is just too much, never ever try and harm yourself. Just come home to me and I will help - whatever you have done- there is nothing that cannot be sorted out. I've always had that in my head and I'm middle aged now. I've said the same to my own lad.
Mine will text me if he is going to be late/not come home as I promise him no questions. I just need to know.
I've apologised to my own mother multiple times about what a shitbag I was myself staying out late/all night from 16 yrs old. Truly didn't get why she was awake 'worrying about me' at 3am. Blush

turtle8919 · 15/09/2023 22:34

Nip that behaviour in the bud honestly! 31 year old brother in law just the same, has never 'grown up' rings crying when he's on a come down about how he's messed his life up... but the following weekend he's back up to his usual drugs Etc!

outdooryone · 15/09/2023 22:35

Your son is fortunate to have such a caring and thoughtful mum.
Best wishes for both of you.

MrsMorrisey · 15/09/2023 22:56

I really feel for you OP. That must be very worrying for you and I'd act the same.
It's a combination of anger and compassion that they need hey?
They can't be lead to believe they can do these things and not realise how much it affects others but at the same time the immaturity and foolishness of taking progesterone shows immaturity and foolishness.

MrsMorrisey · 15/09/2023 22:58

Sorry posted to soon. Didn't mean to end that so abruptly.
It's good that he's with his friend to debrief and it's also good he'll come home and hopefully open to you. Good luck xx

BedisBliss · 15/09/2023 23:16

@bellaroo92 read the full thread and much of it resonates. We can't control our adult kids and keep them from the stupids and we worry constantly. I too have a son I worry about. You have dealt with this well and I am sending you nothing but mum solidarity vibes.

duc748 · 15/09/2023 23:22

mrsfollowill · 15/09/2023 22:30

Good luck with everything- I've got a 21 yr old at home. I worry far more these days than when he was a toddler- at least when he was shouting his head off when supposed to be asleep I knew he was safe in the house.
It sounds like you have a good relationship and you have been very calm and supportive.
My mum said to me when I was about 18- if you ever feel like life is just too much, never ever try and harm yourself. Just come home to me and I will help - whatever you have done- there is nothing that cannot be sorted out. I've always had that in my head and I'm middle aged now. I've said the same to my own lad.
Mine will text me if he is going to be late/not come home as I promise him no questions. I just need to know.
I've apologised to my own mother multiple times about what a shitbag I was myself staying out late/all night from 16 yrs old. Truly didn't get why she was awake 'worrying about me' at 3am. Blush

So true. I know I was a terrible worry to my Mum at that age. I hope I made it up to her.

DawnBreaks · 15/09/2023 23:35

This thread could've been about my son several years ago. He has recently studied and passed a Masters degree and is happy with his wife and a brilliant new job. Teens stress you out big time but often grow into incredible adults. Stick with him OP. Soon all of this will be a distant memory. Just love him.

Evieanne · 15/09/2023 23:44

a&e aren’t going to care about a male taking noristhisterone, he’d be lucky he’d even be seen the same night! A female taking loads would be more of a concern though

HedgehogB · 16/09/2023 00:12

bellaroo92 · 15/09/2023 22:30

Thank you. That means a lot. Sometimes people can make you question yourself x

Show quote history

This! Xxx 😘

Laughlaughlaughcry · 16/09/2023 00:35

Oh bless you both - glad you've found him. Went through similar with daughter a few years ago re being depressed and self destructive, would be happy to share what we did if that would help you (but know having all the different opinions can get too much!)

Totallyterrific · 16/09/2023 01:17

@gemloving So sorry for your loss. Flowers

DreamTheMoors · 16/09/2023 03:14

I’m so happy for you @bellaroo92 that your son is okay and home.

I moved home for the summer from uni and my dad gave me a job in the office at his fruit packing house - I was 19. It was the summer of ‘77. My hours were 8-5.
I was invited to a party about an hour away so I took a friend — all they had was beer (I don’t like beer) so I didn’t drink, but it was really fun, and we didn’t get back to town until 3am.
When I got in, my dad was up using the toilet.

The next day, work went on as normal, but at 4:55, my dad called me into his office and gave me a polite lecture about how when I was living at his house, there would be no 3am party arrivals home. Was that understood?

Hahaha that was understood. I miss my dad.

Your boy is thankful he has you. ❤️

Lastchancechica · 16/09/2023 05:31

Op it’s so difficult. How is your son now?
He sounds very unhappy. You said his Dad is waste of time, and he just has you? Maybe that is behind some of this? There isn’t a male in his life to guide him in early adulthood. It may feel like abandonment. You are doing your best. Teens are exhausting. One of mine just started uni and I haven’t slept for a week!

Original poster
bellaroo92 · 16/09/2023 06:58

He stayed at his friends last night. He messaged me saying he is staying there and feels better talking with him. He will see me and speak when he gets home.

I've been awake a few hours worrying about money for him now. How will he pay his overdraft and how will he pay his credit card, without a job?

I know he will be thinking about this today and worrying about it. I don't know what advice to give or help him with that problem?

OP posts:
Original poster
bellaroo92 · 16/09/2023 07:01

Lastchancechica · 16/09/2023 05:31

Op it’s so difficult. How is your son now?
He sounds very unhappy. You said his Dad is waste of time, and he just has you? Maybe that is behind some of this? There isn’t a male in his life to guide him in early adulthood. It may feel like abandonment. You are doing your best. Teens are exhausting. One of mine just started uni and I haven’t slept for a week!

Edited

He's still at his friends. He messaged me to say he was staying there and will see me today.

He does have contact with his dad and when he was younger he did see him often but his dad is more interested in his new family than his son. It's been like that for a good few years.

Last weekend he found out his dad was adopting his 16 year old step son and think he got a bit upset about that also

OP posts:
LadyatLady82 · 16/09/2023 07:39

Hi OP your son needs to go to his GP, he may well need anti depressants and he needs to see a therapist. This is very typical for a ‘boy’ that has not had a father figure. Abandonment, rage, a sense of loss. The adoption of the step son would be triggering for him. What role does his father play now? Would he be supportive of your son in this difficult time?

If not, then maybe he takes a break from his father. He is feeling less than his dad’s new family, he’s feeling like he was never good enough to be loved by his father. These are big things for a young boy, man.

Definitely see your GP and if you can afford therapy he needs to see someone, but you can try Samaritans if he just wants to talk.

Original poster
bellaroo92 · 16/09/2023 08:27

LadyatLady82 · 16/09/2023 07:39

Hi OP your son needs to go to his GP, he may well need anti depressants and he needs to see a therapist. This is very typical for a ‘boy’ that has not had a father figure. Abandonment, rage, a sense of loss. The adoption of the step son would be triggering for him. What role does his father play now? Would he be supportive of your son in this difficult time?

If not, then maybe he takes a break from his father. He is feeling less than his dad’s new family, he’s feeling like he was never good enough to be loved by his father. These are big things for a young boy, man.

Definitely see your GP and if you can afford therapy he needs to see someone, but you can try Samaritans if he just wants to talk.

I really do want him to see a gp, I said yesterday he needs to make an appointment Monday morning.

I have a feeling when he gets back today and the drink and whatever else he had Thursday night has wore off he will be a different person and say he's ok.

He does seem fine when he's not had a drink it's when he has that he goes off like this, he says he can't help it he has a problem, he doesn't know why he acts like he does.

I really think speaking to someone professional will help, I just hope he agrees.

He speaks to his dad maybe once a week and sees him maybe once a month.
If he told his dad about what's happened he would be concerned but then it would be forgot about next week. Maybe a text asking if he's ok that would be it.
He wouldn't offer to get help for him or help him get it, that would be all done to me

OP posts:
RadioFoot · 16/09/2023 08:42

I do feel sorry for your son as he has some really difficult issues to deal with but he can't act immaturely and feel he can get away with it.

He needs to not drink or take drugs, respect you and take.his job seriously. It's great he has one and I hope they give him a second chance. And that he appreciates it.

If he is finding things difficult he needs to get help for them. He can't just manipulate you into feeling sorry for him as he is just excusing himself from any responsibility. I can see it becoming a cycle.

I agree that you seem like a wonderful mum, and I wish your son all the best. It is hard but he can step up and do this.

MissMillion · 16/09/2023 09:09

I havent read all the comments so not sure if it's been suggested, but this company can help when there's a drink/drug issue....

https://www.changegrowlive.org/

Change Grow Live - believe in people

We are a health and social care charity. We help people achieve their goals.

https://www.changegrowlive.org

Woahtheremate · 16/09/2023 09:19

I took a tablet overdose when I was a bit younger than your DS. At the time I was having issues with my Mum, nothing too major she just wouldn't give me a minute, wouldn't let me move, questioned absolutely every move I made. It just got too much and I didn't care anymore so I took the tablets. Stupid I know. Looking back now absolutely crazy. But a young mind doesn't process reality like our more grown up minds do.

Try and sit with him, peel back the layers, understand his issue, understand why he's blocking you but not your sister. This might be an easy fix if he will just open up to you.

BunnyBunnyJabberJabber · 16/09/2023 09:54

Bellaroo. I obviously have no idea if it is available in your area but the NHS provide talking therapy via TimeTo Talk. You can find out if it is available in your area by just googling NHS Time to Talk.
It is free and you can access it by self referral online at any time. It has literally been a lifeline for my son.
I wish you both well.

Anno · 16/09/2023 17:59

I haven't read any or most of the replies, just your posts and replies, as the mother of a 20yo who will balme anything and anyone but himself, who knows I have his back 100% I totally see it from your point of view. Yes, he needs love and understanding but he also needs a good dose of 'get your shit together'. He knows you love him, he knows you have his back......he just needs some help getting his shit together. I swear this stage is worse than any other, you're an adult but also no you're bloody not!

Missingpop · 16/09/2023 18:02

He’s met a girl & has stayed at hers; leave him to it; he’s not thinking of you today mummy!! he’s too busy; for work as well; he’s busy making the girl smile 😊

Original poster
bellaroo92 · 16/09/2023 18:24

Missingpop · 16/09/2023 18:02

He’s met a girl & has stayed at hers; leave him to it; he’s not thinking of you today mummy!! he’s too busy; for work as well; he’s busy making the girl smile 😊

If you'd have read through the post you would know he hadn't met a girl at all! He's been out all night drinking and more than likely taking drugs. Not thinking about anyone else except himself. He's not gone to work because he was to off his face. Didn't even let his boss know.

He's returned home at 10.30 the next morning and took some tablets because he was feeling depressed and shit about what he's done and admitted he needs help.

So thank you for your snide comment!

OP posts: