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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think i shouldn't have to pay maintenance?

147 replies

BrokenAndAfraid · 14/09/2023 08:59

i met my ex when he didn't have a visa so couldn't work, married him to get that visa (had one child by then) . I was very young and naive. He couldn't work so didn't give up a job to become a homemaker. I had to work 2 jobs as we wasnt entitled to benefits, so got pregnant with second child so I could go on maternity leave and stay at home for awhile.
he eventually got a visa but only ever worked part time - had no drive to get a better job. Refused to even look for work when i was on maternity. Whislt he did look after the children as I worked (through no choice of my own) i was expected to do all the housework and used to spend my whole weekend cleaning. (Not his job acording yo him)
10 years later i saw the light and left.
Now going through the divorce - and trying for a clean break but been told he's entitled to half my pension!!! And to possibly ofset it with the £100 a month he gives me for our children. He doesn't have them or contribute in any other way.
how can that be fair?? We both work part time now and claim universal credit.
what can I do? Should I argue it out in court (which could be costly) ??
or I am Unreasonably for thinking he shouldn't get maintenance

OP posts:
Original poster
BrokenAndAfraid · 14/09/2023 09:01

Just to add I live in a council house and no assests (other than my pension) I want him to come off the tenancy

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 14/09/2023 09:03

I'm not a lawyer, but my understanding is that 10 years is getting on for a long marriage, so yes there would be an expectation of splitting marital assets eg pension.

If he doesn't have the kids at all then he should be paying maintenance to you, but if he doesn't work it won't be much (have you checked the CMS calculator)?

BoohooWoohoo · 14/09/2023 09:07

That's the law even if the sexes were switched. 10 years is considered a long marriage so he would be entitled to 50%

Maintenance is a percentage of his income so he will pay very little if he earns very little. If he's earning more than he's telling HMRC because he works cash in hand then it will be hard to prove.

Courts can't make parents have their kids. I know it's unfair that you always have the kids but putting them in care is the only alternative and no decent parent would want to do that.

Clefable · 14/09/2023 09:07

You need proper legal advice but yes he probably is entitled to something from the settlement. In the eyes of the court you were married for a decent length of time, he stayed home to look after kids (the fact it was unwilling isn't really relevant as he did it) while you earned and paid into a pension, which he doesn't have. It's likely that you will have to reach a settlement that may involve him getting some of your pension.

Personally if there's a deal you can make with him that safeguards your pension I probably would, if your pension is a good one. If his prospects of ever earning well are low and he's unlikely to ever pay much in CM anyway, especially as it's only for one child as the other isn't his, then if he accepted a settlement not involving pension but then didn't pay any CM I'd probably take that as a win. But you should get proper advice on this for sure, it's definitely not something to try to handle yourself or by googling etc.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 14/09/2023 09:10

Yep, when it comes to finances, marriage only benefits the lower earner - in this case that's your husband.

Clefable · 14/09/2023 09:12

Oh perhaps both children are his and I misunderstood.

kweeble · 14/09/2023 09:24

It may be worth doing a deal with him to keep your pension intact - you need to know how much it’s worth. He would be entitled to half of it for the period you were married only.
I would try to sort this out now while he’s working - you could’ve been asked to give him maintenance if he didn’t work - yes I know it’s not fair.

Sprogonthetyne · 14/09/2023 09:52

Not sure on children's ages but looks like they must both be over 10. How much maintenance is he realistically going to pay by the time their 18, especially if he's on a low wage.

At most you will get 100/month for 8 years (assuming youngest is just 10, and ex doesn't quit his job or go self employed to stop paying), which works out at £9600. If your pension is over £20k, you'll be much better off making a deal.

Thewizardbinbag · 14/09/2023 09:56

You supported him financially throughout the marriage so yes, he will get half your pension. Why wouldn’t he? That’s how it is when the sexed are reversed, you’re not exempt because you’re a woman?

Youre trying to make him sound like the bad guy here but you had a kid with a guy who wasn’t allowed to be here or work, then you married him and had a second kid just to get a few months off work. The poor kids; what a life to be brought into to.

You’re just going to have to go back to work full time, like millions of other single parents and accept that the decisions you made have led to him getting half your pension.

IhearyouClemFandango · 14/09/2023 09:58

Sprogonthetyne · 14/09/2023 09:52

Not sure on children's ages but looks like they must both be over 10. How much maintenance is he realistically going to pay by the time their 18, especially if he's on a low wage.

At most you will get 100/month for 8 years (assuming youngest is just 10, and ex doesn't quit his job or go self employed to stop paying), which works out at £9600. If your pension is over £20k, you'll be much better off making a deal.

This. But presumably your pension isn't massive at this stage?

As for having a second child to get some time off 🤔

Deathbyfluffy · 14/09/2023 09:59

This happens all the time the other way around - yes it can be seen as unfair, but men are constantly stiffed by it too.

Onionsandplaydoh · 14/09/2023 10:04

If you were the male on this post, he'd be boo'd off the site for even suggesting that his ex wife shouldn't be entitled to half his pension.

It's shit, but it doesn't make it any different just because you're the woman and it's the opposite way around to what we usually read.

Screwballs · 14/09/2023 10:07

You know when you are just so offended by the scenario you cant give a reasonable answer? That.

Bonbon21 · 14/09/2023 10:10

Took the words out of my mouth Screwballs!!

SquashPenguin · 14/09/2023 10:15

You had another kid to ‘get some time off’, yet you’re whinging about your ex?

TheBarbieEffect · 14/09/2023 10:17

Thewizardbinbag · 14/09/2023 09:56

You supported him financially throughout the marriage so yes, he will get half your pension. Why wouldn’t he? That’s how it is when the sexed are reversed, you’re not exempt because you’re a woman?

Youre trying to make him sound like the bad guy here but you had a kid with a guy who wasn’t allowed to be here or work, then you married him and had a second kid just to get a few months off work. The poor kids; what a life to be brought into to.

You’re just going to have to go back to work full time, like millions of other single parents and accept that the decisions you made have led to him getting half your pension.

Yes, this. Of course it’s fair.

ActDottie · 14/09/2023 10:27

Yes he is entitled to half your pension. The pension is considered a marital asset.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 14/09/2023 10:31

Is the pension the only asset between you? How much is it worth?

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 14/09/2023 10:32

Just saw, so what is your pension value?

Dotjones · 14/09/2023 10:35

Of course he should have half your pension since you've been married for so long. It sounds like you've made some poor choices (marrying for a visa, having a child for some time off work) and it's coming back to bite you. The pension is a shared asset so the starting point is a 50/50 split.

Secondwindplease · 14/09/2023 10:36

Sounds like both of you need to get a work ethic and start taking your responsibilities seriously. Poor children.

harriethoyle · 14/09/2023 10:40

Thewizardbinbag · 14/09/2023 09:56

You supported him financially throughout the marriage so yes, he will get half your pension. Why wouldn’t he? That’s how it is when the sexed are reversed, you’re not exempt because you’re a woman?

Youre trying to make him sound like the bad guy here but you had a kid with a guy who wasn’t allowed to be here or work, then you married him and had a second kid just to get a few months off work. The poor kids; what a life to be brought into to.

You’re just going to have to go back to work full time, like millions of other single parents and accept that the decisions you made have led to him getting half your pension.

Brilliantly put.

morelippy · 14/09/2023 10:44

I'm with @Screwballs

SueVineer · 14/09/2023 10:50

Unfortunately he is entitled to ask for half your pension and may well get it. Lots of men also end up in this situation. Women tend to do more unpaid work in a relationship but not always. I’m a single mum and didn’t marry to protect my assets.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/09/2023 10:53

He doesn’t sound like a very nice guy, claiming that housework was “not his job” when you were the only one working. I’m sure that gives a flavour of your marriage.

Equally though, you made some very bad choices, including marrying someone just to get them a visa (presumably you didn’t want to marry him otherwise from the way you put it?) and having a second child to get some time off. You do need to realise - people generally have to realise - that marriage has consequences, and you need to understand what they are before entering into it.

Sharing assets, including a pension, is one of them.

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