Page 2 | To think i shouldn't have to pay maintenance?

BrokenAndAfraid · 2023-09-14T07:59:42+00:00

i met my ex when he didn't have a visa so couldn't work, married him to get that visa (had one child by then) . I was very young and naive. He couldn't work so didn't give up a job to become a homemaker. I had to work 2 jobs as we wasnt entitled to benefits, so got pregnant with second child so I could go on maternity leave and stay at home for awhile. he eventually got a visa but only ever worked part time - had no drive to get a better job. Refused to even look for work when i was on maternity. Whislt he did look after the children as I worked (through no choice of my own) i was expected to do all the housework and used to spend my whole weekend cleaning. (Not his job acording yo him) 10 years later i saw the light and left. Now going through the divorce - and trying for a clean break but been told he's entitled to half my pension!!! And to possibly ofset it with the £100 a month he gives me for our children. He doesn't have them or contribute in any other way. how can that be fair?? We both work part time now and claim universal credit. what can I do? Should I argue it out in court (which could be costly) ?? or I am Unreasonably for thinking he shouldn't get maintenance

Certainlyreally · 14/09/2023 10:55

" so got pregnant with second child so I could go on maternity leave and stay at home for awhile."

Why do you work part time now?
How old are your DC?

FirstYouGetTheMoney · 14/09/2023 10:56

“I had to work 2 jobs as we wasnt entitled to benefits, so got pregnant with second child so I could go on maternity leave and stay at home for awhile.”

This has to be the worst reason for having a child that I’ve ever read.

TheInterceptor · 14/09/2023 10:56

Make better choices. You're both terrible role models for your children.

KeepTheTempo · 14/09/2023 11:01

I don't see why some posters are giving you a hard time. He's an international cocklodger.

You married him expecting he'd work after the visa, hace been working 2 jobs while also doing all the housework, and he was clearly not a deeply dedicated SAHP. given that now post-split he doesn't have them at all.

50/50 is the default but it's also about need - and if he is effectively living as a single man, while you are having to fund everything for the kids. If your pension is a decent size, or defined benefit, I'd seek legal advice, something might be possible to discuss. You don't have other assets, he doesn't sound likely to be a big contributor in CM, and you've got 2 kids to think about, this is for them.

Rossannah · 14/09/2023 11:23

International cock lodger 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Original poster

BrokenAndAfraid · 14/09/2023 12:29

I agree i made some very bad choices - agreed the marriage was specifically for the visa as well although I did love him I wouldn't have married yet. I was scared he would be deported. Young me thought love would override all and as long as you love each other nothing matters. I do wish I had known what I know now.

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Original poster

BrokenAndAfraid · 14/09/2023 12:35

Pension is not particularly big its just all I have. I've paid in for 8 years of our marriage.

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Original poster

BrokenAndAfraid · 14/09/2023 12:36

TheInterceptor · 14/09/2023 10:56

Make better choices. You're both terrible role models for your children.

I don't disagree- young me was stupid ! Older me is a bit more sensible.

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PinkTonic · 14/09/2023 12:42

I think it’s completely reasonable that you take a personal financial hit from facilitating his coming here and costing the benefits system, and now your children are older it’s time for you to get back to full time work surely?

Barbiesback · 14/09/2023 12:43

Woahhhh a lot of harsh comments here. OP went back to work so what if she had 2 mat leaves close together. Lots of people do that, lots of people are a SAHM on MN.

Fair enough about the rules are the rules. However if I've understood correctly OP is the resident parent, she will likely do all childcare in school hols too and she gets £100 in CMS I'd moan too if I was her!

Original poster

BrokenAndAfraid · 14/09/2023 12:44

8 and 12. Work part time as I had a bit of a breakdown when we split up and had to take time off work. Came back part time as a trial and never went back full time. Financially because I get universal credit, I'm not a great deal better off and out helps my stress levels. I'm aiming to work full time when I no longer need to pay for childcare

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KeepTheTempo · 14/09/2023 12:56

PinkTonic · 14/09/2023 12:42

I think it’s completely reasonable that you take a personal financial hit from facilitating his coming here and costing the benefits system, and now your children are older it’s time for you to get back to full time work surely?

She was in love and believed he loved her too, and OP's work ethic can't be in much question given she was working 2 jobs, then full time with kids and said she only went part time after the split and a mental breakdown. He's very unlikely to have been on benefits, despite what the Daily Mail may say, spousal visas applications don't usually work that way. Many more people are - like in this case - actually not allowed to work, even if they'd like to.

Anti-immigrant sentiment is undoubtedly colouring so many of these negative responses to someone who ironically enough was taken advantage of by an immigrant. When someone's a scared lone mother and in a bad enough place that their username is literally 'BrokenAndAfraid', it's time to consider whether to really stick the boot in about past life choices.

Original poster

BrokenAndAfraid · 14/09/2023 12:58

PinkTonic · 14/09/2023 12:42

I think it’s completely reasonable that you take a personal financial hit from facilitating his coming here and costing the benefits system, and now your children are older it’s time for you to get back to full time work surely?

That's ignorant of you. He was here already and the home office was aware. He didn't have papers so couldn't work or claim benefits. It's cost me over £10 grand in papers that I paid throughout the relationship so I've paid my share in my opinion.

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Thewizardbinbag · 14/09/2023 13:01

KeepTheTempo · 14/09/2023 12:56

She was in love and believed he loved her too, and OP's work ethic can't be in much question given she was working 2 jobs, then full time with kids and said she only went part time after the split and a mental breakdown. He's very unlikely to have been on benefits, despite what the Daily Mail may say, spousal visas applications don't usually work that way. Many more people are - like in this case - actually not allowed to work, even if they'd like to.

Anti-immigrant sentiment is undoubtedly colouring so many of these negative responses to someone who ironically enough was taken advantage of by an immigrant. When someone's a scared lone mother and in a bad enough place that their username is literally 'BrokenAndAfraid', it's time to consider whether to really stick the boot in about past life choices.

Show quote history

It certainly isn’t the anti-immigrant bias on my part. The guy I’m dating, and very much hoping to spend my life with, is an immigrant. He is here on a parental visa. So, I’ve no issue with dating and planning a life with an immigrant. I do have an issue with marrying to beat the system and having children just to get a few months paid off work.

Namerequired · 14/09/2023 13:05

I’m not reading it as she had a 2nd child to get a few months off. I’m reading it that she worked 2 jobs to afford to take some maternity leave with her 2nd child? Maybe I’m wrong.
Op did all the working, all the household stuff bar keeping the kids alive while she was at work it seems, and has now been left with 100% care of those children and people think it’s right she has to pay him her small pension or not have maintenance for the kids? Are these bitter men talking, all this that’s what women do rubbish?
Legally he may be entitled, morally he’s not. I would fight it op out of principle . I hope the next woman he finds has more sense (not blaming you, we have all been young and stupid)

Thewizardbinbag · 14/09/2023 13:11

@Namerequired

She says she got pregnant so she could go on maternity leave and have a few months at home, as she was fed up working two jobs.

As I said, poor kids. It’s them I feel sorry for.

Whataretheodds · 14/09/2023 13:18

This is a salutary tale for any women sitting in a marriage (with kids) where her husband isn't pulling his weight. There will be no credit for doing all the housework and mental load when the financial reckoning is made for divorce

Namerequired · 14/09/2023 13:20

Thewizardbinbag · 14/09/2023 13:11

@Namerequired

She says she got pregnant so she could go on maternity leave and have a few months at home, as she was fed up working two jobs.

As I said, poor kids. It’s them I feel sorry for.

I can certainly see how it could read like that but it’s not how I read it. I wonder will op confirm.
Maybe I’m just thinking who in their right mind would have a child for time off. That doesn’t make sense to me. There’s no time off with children and higher bills to pay. But it’s worded badly.

usererror99 · 14/09/2023 13:25

Deliberately had a second child for a bit of a time off

Deliberately only works part time - funded by UC and the great old tax payer - because she wouldn't be much better off and it "helps her stress levels"

🤔

WillowCraft · 14/09/2023 13:29

usererror99 · 14/09/2023 13:25

Deliberately had a second child for a bit of a time off

Deliberately only works part time - funded by UC and the great old tax payer - because she wouldn't be much better off and it "helps her stress levels"

🤔

Who funds you to be on Mumsnet on a work day? Presumably you have less than 2 children as well. Or are you just judging from a place of privilege?

Original poster

BrokenAndAfraid · 14/09/2023 13:33

If i worked full time I'd still be funded by universal credit and tax payers paying childcare !! I've always worked and always paid tax! Only had to claim UC since the breakdown of the marriage. Ok I worded it badly of course I didn't have a child ONLY to get time off. She was so wanted and we wanted a big family at the time. I got paid maternity leave from my job so I'm not going to lie that played a part - without it I wouldn't have had my second child without paid maternity. As i said I wasn't entitled to benefits because of he had no access to public recourse.

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GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/09/2023 13:34

OP I think it would be more sensible to speak to a solicitor rather than MN about this. There may be some arguments that can be made re the pension, and re maintenance.

Original poster

BrokenAndAfraid · 14/09/2023 13:45

Thank you i most certainly will get legal advice. Was Just interested to know if I'm being unreasonable. Definitely paying for my mistakes isn't hindsight golden ! I can't change the past just glad to be out the relationship now and moving forward. I have £38000 saved in my pension

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Secondwindplease · 14/09/2023 13:46

BrokenAndAfraid · 14/09/2023 13:33

If i worked full time I'd still be funded by universal credit and tax payers paying childcare !! I've always worked and always paid tax! Only had to claim UC since the breakdown of the marriage. Ok I worded it badly of course I didn't have a child ONLY to get time off. She was so wanted and we wanted a big family at the time. I got paid maternity leave from my job so I'm not going to lie that played a part - without it I wouldn't have had my second child without paid maternity. As i said I wasn't entitled to benefits because of he had no access to public recourse.

Your children are 8 and 12, pretty sure the costs of childcare before/after school would be minimal and well worth it to the taxpayer in exchange for you working full time.

Barbiesback · 14/09/2023 13:49

@WillowCraft I absolutely agree. Some nasty uncalled for posts here. OP I would hide the thread. Some of these women are probably married to a similar man to your DH! Or ex.