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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think i shouldn't have to pay maintenance?

147 replies

BrokenAndAfraid · 14/09/2023 08:59

i met my ex when he didn't have a visa so couldn't work, married him to get that visa (had one child by then) . I was very young and naive. He couldn't work so didn't give up a job to become a homemaker. I had to work 2 jobs as we wasnt entitled to benefits, so got pregnant with second child so I could go on maternity leave and stay at home for awhile.
he eventually got a visa but only ever worked part time - had no drive to get a better job. Refused to even look for work when i was on maternity. Whislt he did look after the children as I worked (through no choice of my own) i was expected to do all the housework and used to spend my whole weekend cleaning. (Not his job acording yo him)
10 years later i saw the light and left.
Now going through the divorce - and trying for a clean break but been told he's entitled to half my pension!!! And to possibly ofset it with the £100 a month he gives me for our children. He doesn't have them or contribute in any other way.
how can that be fair?? We both work part time now and claim universal credit.
what can I do? Should I argue it out in court (which could be costly) ??
or I am Unreasonably for thinking he shouldn't get maintenance

OP posts:
LuluBlakey1 · 14/09/2023 15:48

That's the system. You both played it when it suited you. You'll have to get on with it now. Pay your dues.

Alstro · 14/09/2023 15:54

Heyhoherewegoagain · 14/09/2023 15:43

As a taxpayer I’m very happy for taxes to fund childcare for full time workers.
However funding benefits for your scenario pisses me right off

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Even if the amounts worked out the same?

Heyhoherewegoagain · 14/09/2023 15:56

Alstro · 14/09/2023 15:54

Even if the amounts worked out the same?

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Absolutely. If you can work full time to support your family yourself you should

Barbiesback · 14/09/2023 15:57

@Heyhoherewegoagain eurgh you sound so entitled and judgey. OP isn't much different to the SAHM that are rife on here. She hasn't broken any law, she works. I work part time too, I also pay tax you just like you.

Barbiesback · 14/09/2023 15:57

@Heyhoherewegoagain if, that's the question and OP explained this.

andthat · 14/09/2023 15:59

anniegun · 14/09/2023 13:54

A lot of men feel the same way you do.

And in many, many cases they’d be unjustified given that they’ve probably had low involvement in childcare and housework. Not the case for the OP.

But the law is the law and sentiment won’t help her on this one!

blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 14/09/2023 16:00

Thewizardbinbag · 14/09/2023 09:56

You supported him financially throughout the marriage so yes, he will get half your pension. Why wouldn’t he? That’s how it is when the sexed are reversed, you’re not exempt because you’re a woman?

Youre trying to make him sound like the bad guy here but you had a kid with a guy who wasn’t allowed to be here or work, then you married him and had a second kid just to get a few months off work. The poor kids; what a life to be brought into to.

You’re just going to have to go back to work full time, like millions of other single parents and accept that the decisions you made have led to him getting half your pension.

👏👏👊

Heyhoherewegoagain · 14/09/2023 16:00

Barbiesback · 14/09/2023 15:57

@Heyhoherewegoagain eurgh you sound so entitled and judgey. OP isn't much different to the SAHM that are rife on here. She hasn't broken any law, she works. I work part time too, I also pay tax you just like you.

Absolutely not entitled, just have a strong work ethic, can you elaborate on your statement about op not breaking any laws please-you seem to have extrapolated that from absolutely nothing.
I also work part time, but well paid and have never received any kind of top up benefit

Barbiesback · 14/09/2023 16:04

@Heyhoherewegoagain good for you that you have a strong work ethic. OP sounds like she does too, I also have a strong work ethic too. Nobody asked you what you earn, nor what you claim so stop bragging it's not a pleasant look to be judgmental.

You don't get to dictated what OUR taxes pay. That's right OUR because OP likely pays tax like me and you!

Reugny · 14/09/2023 16:05

If the pension isn't very big and you both aren't old then you may not have to split it.

You need to get legal advice.

I know someone women who risked having their pension split as their pensions were worth a lot, but because they had other assets their ex-spouse got those.

Baconisdelicious · 14/09/2023 16:06

to be clear, he would be entitled to half your pension to date. Not the whole pension, whatever it may be, when you reach 67.

You may want to seek some financial advice as to whether it is worth doing a deal of no maintenance/no pension. If he's from abroad, you can check if he's in a country where we have a reciprocal agreement with for dealing with child maintenance or if he goes home, you will never get any money and if he only ever works part time, you won't get much either: in other words, it sounds like you potentially would be better off that way.

Fullspectrum · 14/09/2023 16:09

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Fullspectrum · 14/09/2023 16:11

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Fullspectrum · 14/09/2023 16:11

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SueVineer · 14/09/2023 16:14

Namerequired · 14/09/2023 15:31

I hate the whole that’s what women have done on men forever. Historically women weren’t allowed to work and then the man could abuse them and still be the one to walk away, leaving them with nothing and children to raise. Yes times have changed but it is still often women who feel they need to leave work. Whether this is because childcare is too expensive, children have higher needs, it’s impossible to work around the partners work (and it is often the woman that has to work around the man). So the woman quits on agreement the man will financially support the family. She foregos her pension and often her own money. She raises the children, keeps the house, deals with the mental load etc. In the meantime the man is spending ‘his’ money. He expects because he paid the house he owns it, same with savings and pension. He expects to take his contribution with him, after all he ‘worked’ for it. The woman is usually left as rp of the children, where the man will pay the minimum maintenance he can get away with. In this instance she is 100% entitled to half.
Now if the role is actually reversed then 100% the man deserves half. But honestly how often does that actually happen? I’m not saying it doesn’t, and I’m not saying there aren’t female gold diggers out there but talking about the norm. So it’s not comparable to the man who chose not to work, chose not to do child raising, housing maintaining (or chose to do so with no agreement from the other partner), and after sponging of her for years now wants half of everything she has. While still walking away without the children too. Again if a woman done this I would feel the same but that’s the exception not the rule.

Sorry but why isn’t it the same for men and women who don’t work and rely on their partners to financially support them in 2023? I accept that women more generally tend to do a larger share of the housework whether they work or not but that’s not what happens in every case.

Viviennemary · 14/09/2023 16:16

No. That's the rules. You can't have different rules just because it's the man claiming half the pension rather than the woman.

CatamaranViper · 14/09/2023 16:19

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That's not what the OP says at all. She was with him for 10 years before she 'saw the light' and left.

Namerequired · 14/09/2023 16:22

SueVineer · 14/09/2023 16:14

Sorry but why isn’t it the same for men and women who don’t work and rely on their partners to financially support them in 2023? I accept that women more generally tend to do a larger share of the housework whether they work or not but that’s not what happens in every case.

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Because of their reasoning for not working and their behaviours when they don’t. There’s not an every case for anything, there’s always exceptions. And my view is on the roles and reasons (and agreements) not the gender. It just so happens that there are gender norms in this case.

Fullspectrum · 14/09/2023 16:22

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Fullspectrum · 14/09/2023 16:23

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SapphOhNo · 14/09/2023 16:23

Sounds like you deserve each other to be honest.

I don't see much difference between younger you and you now. Seriously, you people create kids and bring them into this nonsense. Your poor children.

jeaux90 · 14/09/2023 16:30

OP divorce is a negotiation based on assets.

I would protect the pension and let him keep the contributions to the kids of you can afford to do that.

Throwncrumbs · 14/09/2023 16:51

BrokenAndAfraid · 14/09/2023 13:51

That's not correct. If I worked full time I'd get 85% off my childcare paid so my UC would be higher with the childcare added in. I work 30 hours a week currently , of which I'm paid for 25 as I have yo take an unpaid lunches.

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So you work 25 hours a week. Nowhere I’ve ever worked are lunch breaks counted as worked hours because you get that hour OFF for lunch 🙄

GabriellaMontez · 14/09/2023 17:02

Wow this thread is full if judgement from people who've never made a bad choice.

Hes a lazy cocklodger. I predict he'll find a way to avoid any child maintenance. It's relatively easy to do this. Better, to keep your pension.

But make sure you get legal advice.

Caroparo52 · 14/09/2023 17:04

It sucks to hear it but that's the law. He is entitled to marital assets in the marriage. You made some questionable choices in the past op. Now you've got to get out of the situation as best you can even if it costs you and seems unfair.
Try to settle with him out of court offering to cut the maintenance in order to secure your pension. I know you feel like the little shit doesn't deserve a penny but in court he may unbelievably end up with even more. Good luck

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