Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants husband and I to care for BIL

105 replies

gg7878 · 13/09/2023 19:39

My brother in law is 21 and autistic, it's unlikely he'll be independent but he's started a foundation learning course at a college where he will learn basic life skills to try and be as independent as he can. He lives with myself and my husband and goes to MIL at weekends. I was happy with this, his mum was really struggling with him and his meltdowns became violent so my husband offered to have him here as he was often called to help her anyway.

My husband does most of the care of BIL as he works from home, he doesn't need much care but he does need his meals cooked, personal care and someone to be home with him and take him out.

We pay for everything for him, MIL transfers half of his PIP but the rest of the things he needs or wants is out of our money.

MIL wasn't happy for him to go to college and wants us to be caring for him all day everyday, her reasons are that they both doesn't know his teachers and they will be doing personal care and she doesn't trust them. When he was at school she did as he went to the same school all the way through. And thinks we were BU by sending him without her permission.

Were we unreasonable for going against MIL’s wishes?

OP posts:
Dropthedonkey · 13/09/2023 19:42

It's in your bil's best interests to do the college Course - I'm assuming he's happy enough to go?
It's wrong to hold him back

BananaSpanner · 13/09/2023 19:43

No you’re not wrong. You’re trying to help him foster some independence. I get that it’s worrying permitting strangers to deliver personal care for a loved one but I don’t think she can go through life assuming the worst will happen. They are professionals.

Approaching · 13/09/2023 19:44

Of course it’s right that he’s going to college, it sounds very good for him.

What happens to the other half of his PIP?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 13/09/2023 19:44

Your MIL shouldn’t be keeping half of his PIP for less than half of the time.

Does she keep his ESA or UC or do you get that for his living expenses?

maudesvagina · 13/09/2023 19:45

Your BIL should be receiving the pip himself. If mil is keeping half that is theft. If he has the other half at his disposal then ignore the above. It is in his best interests to learn life skills. Carry on. As I have recently discovered what is available to adults rapidly runs out when college is done so take what you can get now

KaySararSarar · 13/09/2023 19:45

I’d want to know what’s happening with the PIP…

Namerequired · 13/09/2023 19:46

Of course you aren’t wrong. I understand her worries tbh, but if she’s passed over care to yous then she needs to trust that care.
Also what happens the other half of his pip? Is anyone claiming the extra on tax credits/uc for having someone with a disability on their claim? You shouldn’t really be out of pocket.

Nodeepdiving · 13/09/2023 19:46

I have no idea how it works wrt capacity etc but is MiL genuinely asking you to have him at home with you 5 days a week? Surely it is better for him to have a routine and to be learning life skills etc at college? Also, you and your husband have done an incredibly selfless thing by moving him in and have helped MiL no end I imagine. I would be a bit miffed if MiL then started demanding more. I appreciate I have no idea what it's like to be the parent of an adult child with learning disabilities and I definitely don't mean to sound heartless, but she needs to find a different solution that does not demand more from you than you are doing already if she is not happy with the current arrangements. Also, why are you only getting half of the PIP? Surely you should be getting 5/7 of it?

LadyatLady82 · 13/09/2023 19:47

Your MIL is using your BIL as a cash cow, he needs to go live with her if she’s keeping the money.

Totalwasteofpaper · 13/09/2023 19:48

Your MIL can do one.

She doesn't want to look after her child or pay for him.

And wants to keep his world small and limit his independence while dictating how you care for him????

No.
Send him to college, get the PIP paid to you.
Increase his independence and start looking at assisted living places for him.

At some point you will want children and your own lives.

uhtredsonofuhtred1 · 13/09/2023 19:51

You need to look into what other benefits he will be receiving and make sure that he is the one receiving them. You can be his appointee which means you manage those accounts. It's not fair that she's expecting you to support him financially whilst she keeps HIS money!

Sprinkles211 · 13/09/2023 19:52

At 21 the pip money is his and his alone, he should also be entitled to other benefits in his own right. If he's been assessed and is not able to look after his own money he can have an advocate but all money must then be accounted for. It can be used for anything he needs including contributing to the household he's living in, along as the money is there in his account and allows him access to get what he needs that would be OK but if not it's financial abuse. He absolutely needs all the independence skills and education opportunities that are on offer as once 25 you will find him effectively without support. I have 3 sen children 2 will never leave home or be independent

justasking111 · 13/09/2023 19:57

Approaching · 13/09/2023 19:44

Of course it’s right that he’s going to college, it sounds very good for him.

What happens to the other half of his PIP?

A friend works at a special needs school age 3-18. They work so hard to prepare some young adults for college and independent living. The problem that arises is a parent/family may have become so reliant on the money they receive that they fly into a blind panic at losing it. There also can of course be a codependency. Sometimes it can be sorted.

In this case the mother has agreed to college a big step. You have to calculate the costs accurately and show them to your MIL.

Doggydarling · 13/09/2023 19:57

Your BIL needs to learn as much independence as possible and I'd recommend you start looking into semi independent living/assisted living schemes for him or do you intend him living with you forever? What happens if you have a family of your own? Or if something happened to your or your dh health? Or if your dh died? I don't want to seem insensitive but we are facing similar circumstances with my dh nephew, my mil keeps pushing for us to say we will care for him (his mother is an alcoholic, his father isn't around), we are not willing to do what she wants but it's like she just doesn't hear us.

SheSaidHummingbird · 13/09/2023 20:01

@gg7878 Why does she transfer only half of his PIP? Does she transfer the other half directly to him, or does she keep it for herself?

junebirthdaygirl · 13/09/2023 20:06

As your bil is not having violent meltdowns with ye maybe he is happy to be on a course with a bit of stimulation in his day. Sounds like an amazing set up your mil has with him being with you and home at the weekend. I'm sure a lot of parents would love that. And a lot of siblings would not take on what you are doing. So mil very genuinely cannot complain. All workers are police vetted and hopefully are trustworthy so his course is an important part of his life and needs to continue. He deserves a life.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 13/09/2023 20:23

My husband works in a supported living unit. The clients often have a good amount of money coming in due to various benefits, are you sure mil isn’t claiming other benefits as well as the pip? I would be getting advice from adult social care. Also, maybe in the future something like this may be good for your bil (and you tbh) he could still visit, come “home” for nights, go to college, have a social life, help with meals, care when needed. And not doubting the level of care you give, but by trained professionals, who can deal with meltdowns, co morbidities, health care problems. At 21, unless he lacks capacity, mil doesn’t get to demand where he lives and what you do to care.
You have my admiration btw.

trulyunruly01 · 13/09/2023 20:27

He is a lucky young man to have you and your dh in his corner.

Yes, the college course is the right thing to do, if the college say they can meet his needs. Teachers won't be doing his personal care, there will be specially trained (and DBS'd) staff doing that.

His PIP and any ESA he may be entitled to ought to go into an account in his name, even if it's a joint account or your dh holds onto the card and monitors the account. Of course, he should contribute to your household if that's possible.

You should also, with your local adult social services, look towards the future - perhaps a place at a supported living setting. I work in such a setting and our people live busy, meaningful and relevant lives,some even have jobs, and they are actively encouraged to have quality family time whilst receiving all therapeutic input necessary.

Original poster
gg7878 · 13/09/2023 20:54

MIL keeps the other half of the PIP and we have the other half, it doesn't go straight to BIL as he can't manage money but we use it on things for him like food, days out etc as well as our money.

OP posts:
Teapleasebobb · 13/09/2023 20:58

What does mil do with the other half of the pip? I don't think she should be having half. Does she claim other benefits for him? As he's with you most do the time you should be looking at these and see if you're entitled to more.
Definitely keep bil at college, sounds like a great course for him.

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 13/09/2023 21:02

Your mil is a benefits cheat isn't she? Maybe contact the relevant people.. She doesn't have to know you reported her.

rocky4321 · 13/09/2023 21:05

OP you’re doing a wonderful thing looking after BIL.

I started a thread nearly a year ago regarding my own BIL care (severe autism/needs all personal care) as MIL refused to look for any other options for him apart from us having him 24/7.

I don’t have any advice for you OP, but I wish there was some space for adult sibling Carer’s as there seems to be a space for everyone else apart from us.

OddlyFramed · 13/09/2023 21:08

You and your DH sounds like wonderful people. She doesn’t want him to go to college but she doesn’t want to care for him? She can fuck off. Also she should be giving you 5/7 of his PIP as a minimum and all of it if you are the one funding clothes and day ti day living.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 13/09/2023 21:09

gg7878 · 13/09/2023 20:54

MIL keeps the other half of the PIP and we have the other half, it doesn't go straight to BIL as he can't manage money but we use it on things for him like food, days out etc as well as our money.

What about his ESA or UC?

He should be on an income replacement benefit as well.

Does your MIL claim carers allowance for him?

Insommmmnia · 13/09/2023 21:09

Sounds like she's worried he will be able to move into some kind of supported living if he develops some skills at college and then she will have to stop stealing his benefits