MIL wants husband and I to care for BIL

[gg7878]

My brother in law is 21 and autistic, it's unlikely he'll be independent but he's started a foundation learning course at a college where he will learn basic life skills to try and be as independent as he can. He lives with myself and my husband and goes to MIL at weekends. I was happy with this, his mum was really struggling with him and his meltdowns became violent so my husband offered to have him here as he was often called to help her anyway.

My husband does most of the care of BIL as he works from home, he doesn't need much care but he does need his meals cooked, personal care and someone to be home with him and take him out.

We pay for everything for him, MIL transfers half of his PIP but the rest of the things he needs or wants is out of our money.

MIL wasn't happy for him to go to college and wants us to be caring for him all day everyday, her reasons are that they both doesn't know his teachers and they will be doing personal care and she doesn't trust them. When he was at school she did as he went to the same school all the way through. And thinks we were BU by sending him without her permission.

Were we unreasonable for going against MIL’s wishes?

It sounds as though she hasn't helped him by being too protective. He needs to be helped to become more independent and the college course sounds a good start.

First of all, thank you to you and your DH for providing your BIL the stable home that he needs.

Independence should definitely be encouraged. I have an aunt with down syndrome who lived at home until she was 45! She went in to assisted living 3/4 years ago as my grandad was too elderly to care for her and my mum still works.

Living at home, she didnt cook, wash, shop etc and since she moved to assisted living she has completely overhauled her life. She now cooks simple meals, washes her own clothes and goes out with the assistants to shopping centres etc. She has all the help she needs as someone is ALWAYS on site and they check in several times a day. She shares her house with another woman who she has become very friendly with and the whole community meet up once a week for a takeaway and movie night!

Her life has became much more fulfilling and my grandad wishes he had done it sooner.

Keep BIL in the college course. O would also be looking into assisted living for him so he can learn to become more independent and learn life skills. This means ALL of you will have a fulfilling life without added stress. Also, to have assisted living, BIL will need to have his own bank account, so you know for a fact the PIP will be paid directly to him and that there are people in the facility who will help him manage his money (my aunts take them out twice a week for grocery shopping and once a month to shopping centres for general shopping plus xmas shopping visits etc and help them to budget)

If MIL is against this, she can take him back full time instead.

He will also be getting £374pcm in LCWRA (Limited Capability for Work Related Activities - basically the new alternative to ESA) as well as, potentially, a further £200+ in standard entitlement from UC.

I'm horrified that she keeps half of his PIP when he's only there at weekends! That's fraud and financial abuse

@Notamum12345577 If he has never worked earning more than 260 a week, he wouldn’t have got the National insurance payments to get ESA

Incorrect! You can get non-contribution based ESA or UC LCWRA

ESA no longer exists for NEW claims. It's all going over to UC LCWRA