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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL wants husband and I to care for BIL

105 replies

gg7878 · 13/09/2023 19:39

My brother in law is 21 and autistic, it's unlikely he'll be independent but he's started a foundation learning course at a college where he will learn basic life skills to try and be as independent as he can. He lives with myself and my husband and goes to MIL at weekends. I was happy with this, his mum was really struggling with him and his meltdowns became violent so my husband offered to have him here as he was often called to help her anyway.

My husband does most of the care of BIL as he works from home, he doesn't need much care but he does need his meals cooked, personal care and someone to be home with him and take him out.

We pay for everything for him, MIL transfers half of his PIP but the rest of the things he needs or wants is out of our money.

MIL wasn't happy for him to go to college and wants us to be caring for him all day everyday, her reasons are that they both doesn't know his teachers and they will be doing personal care and she doesn't trust them. When he was at school she did as he went to the same school all the way through. And thinks we were BU by sending him without her permission.

Were we unreasonable for going against MIL’s wishes?

OP posts:
BeverlyBrook · 13/09/2023 21:12

Why is MIL keeping half his PIP? It is for him not her. It should be saved up for him or spent on him. I don't understand.

MushroomQueen · 13/09/2023 21:12

Definitely should be going to college - my autistic sister went and it was a gd experience/ she is on the more severe end of the spectrum - she is now in her 30s in a care home she seems very happy in. She regularly goes home to my parents but it's gd for her and my parents for independence

Mum2jenny · 13/09/2023 21:12

The PIP needs to go to the person receiving the PIP not the MIL, it’s benefits theft imo

BeverlyBrook · 13/09/2023 21:12

And the college course is an excellent idea. MIL is being unreasonable

gamerchick · 13/09/2023 21:15

Id hazard a guess the pip is just the tip of the iceberg in what she's claiming. There's a reason she doesn't want him independent.

He needs his money coming to the house he lives in to cover his expenses and any extras he needs to make life easier.

You need to shine a light right in her face on this OP

Original poster
gg7878 · 13/09/2023 22:04

He is happy going to college, my husband thinks after he could do some volunteering or similar but we'll know closer to the time. We both do want him doing something and he will probably be in assisted living but that'll be a conversation for another time. He seems happier here, I'm not bashing MIL but whenever we went over he was always on his iPad and would ignore us if we spoke to him. He talks a lot more now, obviously not like a neuro typical 21 year old but he answers us whenever we speak to him.

I don't know about his UC so I assume MIL keeps it.

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 13/09/2023 22:07

gg7878 · 13/09/2023 22:04

He is happy going to college, my husband thinks after he could do some volunteering or similar but we'll know closer to the time. We both do want him doing something and he will probably be in assisted living but that'll be a conversation for another time. He seems happier here, I'm not bashing MIL but whenever we went over he was always on his iPad and would ignore us if we spoke to him. He talks a lot more now, obviously not like a neuro typical 21 year old but he answers us whenever we speak to him.

I don't know about his UC so I assume MIL keeps it.

If he gets UC or new style ESA (or both) then that should be getting used for his living expenses.

PIP is meant to go toward the extra costs his disabilities being.

Your MIL is financially abusing him, and you, if she’s keeping all of his Uc and half of his PIP when she looks after him two days a week.

Does she work? If not is her worry about the college possibly that if she’s claiming carers and the college know he lives with you it may flag up as an anomaly.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 14/09/2023 00:11

I don't know about his UC so I assume MIL keeps it.

That's really really not OK OP. It's not her money, it's his money! She's either stealing for him, or he needs help to put in a claim for the benefits he should be getting.

It's lovely that you seem to be happy covering his expenses 100%, but even if you were to continue to do that (which I don't think you should, personally, when benefits are being paid for the purpose of covering at least some of them) he should absolutely have his own benefits to spend on other things he might want or need that are above what you are able to spend.

Do you think her dislike of the college idea is because she thinks it will lead to her getting caught taking his UC? I can't see how it's any disadvantage to her otherwise.

JFDIYOLO · 14/09/2023 00:30

She is stealing HIS benefits which YOU should be able to access to support him.

Seems your DH is not facing up to her.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 14/09/2023 00:44

Does your MIL work or not? Has she sacrificed her career to raise him? She may now be in a tricky position if she's counted on his benefits to make ends meet while damaging her own earning potential by such a long time out of work. The trouble is, the money is specifically for you BIL's care, not for her to make ends meet. If she's not been able to work because she was looking after him, she's no longer looking after him so it's time for her to get a job. I can kind of see how she's got herself into this position, but she's stealing from her disabled child to fund herself and that's absolutely unacceptable. It's a difficult conversation to have, but if it's possible for your DH to broach the subject rather than have the authorities intervene it would be better for her. If your BIL can eventually be moved into some form of supported living arrangement he'll be needing that money.

As to college, you are absolutely doing the right thing. When someone has a disability that means they won't ever truly live independently it's all about quality of life, and his life will be so much better with the skills he will learn. It's miserable for anyone to be completely dependent on others. And frankly it's not on for your MIL to hand the majority of care duties to you and then try to dictate how you arrange that care.

You MIL's concerns may be completely unconnected to the money and she may genuinely be a bit paranoid about abuse. It might help to explain to her about how DBS checks work and that they are a much more reliable way of protecting children and vulnerable adults than her making a judgement based on her having personally got to know them.

Just realized I've written a massive essay, sorry! Lastly I just want to say thank you for what you are doing for your BIL. Without close family to look out for them the prospect for adults with learning disabilities can be pretty bleak. He's lucky to have you.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 14/09/2023 01:05

Please do check the situation with UC/ESA @gg7878

Firstly it may be relevant in terms of college funding.

Secondly if your MIL is not keeping it then it’s also possible it’s not being claimed. There have been several threads on here over the last couple of years where people claiming PIP for a relative unable to deal with their own affairs were unaware that UC/ESA could he claimed as well.

With how little help and support there is for families now that lack of information is becoming more and more prevalent

PomPomtheGreat · 14/09/2023 02:16

I just want to add my sincere admiration for what you and your husband are doing. No one should be expected to do it, and I hope you didn't feel any pressure, but your brother-in-law is extremely lucky to have family who step up like you do. I hope you manage to prioritise your own needs as well. You and your husband are equally important and it looks as though you are in it for the long haul.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 14/09/2023 02:23

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 13/09/2023 21:02

Your mil is a benefits cheat isn't she? Maybe contact the relevant people.. She doesn't have to know you reported her.

This, OP!!!!!!

Ponderingwindow · 14/09/2023 02:28

if he can handle the course it is the best thing for him. Not only is he learning skills, he is getting used to being around people in similar circumstances and with any luck developing relationships. Those soft skills are going to help him as much as the formal lessons.

It also keeps him on the radar of the system which with how your MIL is behaving is going to be very important.

Does MIL have a guardianship order for the brother? How much power does she have to interfere?

EggInANest · 14/09/2023 02:57

Of course he should be in college, he should be progressing with his learning and life and developing his skills to his own full potential like every other young person.

And moving towards an independent adult life (as most suited to his needs). Not kept at home and infantilised just because of his condition.

Riverlee · 14/09/2023 03:07

PomPomtheGreat · 14/09/2023 02:16

I just want to add my sincere admiration for what you and your husband are doing. No one should be expected to do it, and I hope you didn't feel any pressure, but your brother-in-law is extremely lucky to have family who step up like you do. I hope you manage to prioritise your own needs as well. You and your husband are equally important and it looks as though you are in it for the long haul.

Was about to write something similar. Well done on stepping up.

Doing the college course is the best thing for bil. He’ll be learning skills and gaining independence, rather than stagnating on screens at home.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 14/09/2023 03:43

You need the rest of the PIP money for a start. Your MIL is a cheeky fucker

HoppingPavlova · 14/09/2023 03:44

This sounds bizarre. The PIP money is for the young man. Yet MIL takes half? Why? What does she do with this half? Does she have records she can show where this is being put in a trust account for him? If not, that’s outrageous. Why are you so oddly passive about this?

Damnedidont · 14/09/2023 03:48

I think you and your DH are bloody wonderful. I'm utterly stunned by your compassion and generosity.MIL doesn't realise how stupendously lucky she is to have so much support. Trying to suck even more from you is the height of cheeky f

stayathomer · 14/09/2023 05:53

You and your DH sounds like wonderful people. She doesn’t want him to go to college but she doesn’t want to care for him? She can fuck off. Also she should be giving you 5/7 of his PIP as a minimum and all of it if you are the one funding clothes and day ti day living.
Playing devils advocate my dm didn’t want my autistic brother to do a course either, reason being he bangs his head off the wall and talks to himself at home and she didn’t know how he’d cope in college. He ended up not lasting long there. If you haven’t experienced the worry of an adult in full on stress mode you can never know. Also imo op’s dh was helping and mil doesn’t have ops bil because a grown man who needs help needs someone strong and actually he’s more likely to listen to a sibling than a parent. If op doesn’t know where the money goes, it might be spent on eg clothing or might be in an account for him- we don’t know. Mn always jumps to ‘what an evil cow!’ Op, you and your dh are fantastic, fair dues to you both x

CherryMaDeara · 14/09/2023 06:52

Ignore her. She is BU. Could it be that she sees DH (and you) coping really well with BIL and resents it a bit and is trying to exert some control?

Get the full PIP from MIL! It’s fraud for her to keep it if it’s not being spent on BIL.

winewolfhowls · 14/09/2023 07:04

While you still have the support from agencies linked to college you should get your bil into supported housing. It's best for all. When he leaves college there is very little in some areas and he could be in the house alone whereas if he is in housing he will have staff and company day in day out.

2jacqi · 14/09/2023 07:07

Think you need to let DSS know that he is now living with you because mum could not cope!! Any benefits are for him and his living and as such mum is not entitled to any of them. you are the ones keeping a roof over his head and feeding and looking after him and by all accounts you are doing an amazing job, far better than mum ever did. she needs to hand any money over to him or you husband and DSS needs to pay money to your address. perhaps get another bank account opened in his name and let dss know that account details have changed as well as address. that way you are doing everything legitimately and mum cannot accuse you or your hubby of anything untoward

Gh12345 · 14/09/2023 07:16

Your MIL is holding him back. Keep him in college

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 14/09/2023 07:44

You are a Saint. Why is she palming off her disabled son to his sibling and wife?

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