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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL wants husband and I to care for BIL

105 replies

gg7878 · 13/09/2023 19:39

My brother in law is 21 and autistic, it's unlikely he'll be independent but he's started a foundation learning course at a college where he will learn basic life skills to try and be as independent as he can. He lives with myself and my husband and goes to MIL at weekends. I was happy with this, his mum was really struggling with him and his meltdowns became violent so my husband offered to have him here as he was often called to help her anyway.

My husband does most of the care of BIL as he works from home, he doesn't need much care but he does need his meals cooked, personal care and someone to be home with him and take him out.

We pay for everything for him, MIL transfers half of his PIP but the rest of the things he needs or wants is out of our money.

MIL wasn't happy for him to go to college and wants us to be caring for him all day everyday, her reasons are that they both doesn't know his teachers and they will be doing personal care and she doesn't trust them. When he was at school she did as he went to the same school all the way through. And thinks we were BU by sending him without her permission.

Were we unreasonable for going against MIL’s wishes?

OP posts:
WhamBamThankU · 14/09/2023 07:44

Amazing he's attending college in your care! Well done to both you and DH. Please ask for all his PIP, and you can give MIL a nominal amount for weekends.

AnIndianWoman · 14/09/2023 07:48

Your Mil is stealing his disability benefits. Suggest you report this and get all of it paid to you so you can manage it as needed

rainbowstardrops · 14/09/2023 08:04

I agree that your MIL sounds a bit shady re the benefits. I'd be looking into this asap if I were you.

CaroleSinger · 14/09/2023 08:13

So MIL keeps his universal credit and half his PIP? I can understand why she's not happy about him having some independence, that's a nice little income she has there.

Gingerkittykat · 14/09/2023 08:45

Full time students can't claim UC which causes a lot of problems for parents of young adults who attend SN colleges. It might be MIL is claiming UC in his name right now and doesn't want that money to end.

There might be some finance/ bursary available from college for his living expenses.

Notamum12345577 · 14/09/2023 08:50

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 13/09/2023 19:44

Your MIL shouldn’t be keeping half of his PIP for less than half of the time.

Does she keep his ESA or UC or do you get that for his living expenses?

If he has never worked earning more than 260 a week, he wouldn’t have got the National insurance payments to get ESA

ZadocPDederick · 14/09/2023 08:52

Are you in touch with Social Services? They should have done a full care assessment and you may be entitled to help with respite care, transport, carers' allowances etc. They can also help to sort out the benefits situation.

billy1966 · 14/09/2023 08:55

You sound amazing OP, but your BIL is being abused financially by his mother which is not right.

I would be concerned for him.

If he is happy at college of course he should go.

Is she expecting you to look after him full-time, all day?

That is a huge expectation.

coconutpie · 14/09/2023 09:10

Your MIL is a benefits cheat. If you pay for everything and BIL stays with you all week, but just visits MIL on weekends, then all benefits should be paid to you. She also does not have his best interests at heart if she doesn't want him to continue his college course.

beAsensible1 · 14/09/2023 09:14

OP keep him in college, if they can't manage they will tell you. it will be a good opportunity for him to socialise and maybe find some access schemes so he can do voluntary work even with an assisted carer.

I wouldn't go accusing your MIL of anything as it won't come to any good, especially without all the facts. At most ask your DH about funds for BIL and if he has an account etc and let DH ask any questions for himself.

Berthatydfil · 14/09/2023 09:21

What do you mean she keeps the other half of his PIP??

Does she save it for him or keep it to buy him clothes etc or does she actually keep it for herself?

If its the latter then I echo others who say shes defrauding the DWP and stealing from your BIL.

As hes an adult I believe you can register as an appointee for his benefits.

giggly · 14/09/2023 09:27

maudesvagina · 13/09/2023 19:45

Your BIL should be receiving the pip himself. If mil is keeping half that is theft. If he has the other half at his disposal then ignore the above. It is in his best interests to learn life skills. Carry on. As I have recently discovered what is available to adults rapidly runs out when college is done so take what you can get now

Actually this is not true. A parent/ guardian or named other can apply to receive all monies of the young person/ adult is deemed to be unable to manage their own finances.
So without knowing this then you are incorrect stating it is theft.
There is a prices where an assessor from DWP will come to the home and assess both the recipient and the carer alone to determine where the payment should go.
Also the money has to go into a separate account so not into the others main banking, although not so sure how they Police that.
Hope that helps.

StrawberryWater · 14/09/2023 09:27

Well done for taking him in.

Now advocate for him by making sure he has access to all of his benefits (including his PIP) or you have access to them to help care for him if he can't manage his money. MIL should not have access to any of it as he's no longer living with her. You can give her some money for his food when he has a weekend with her but that's it.

giggly · 14/09/2023 09:28

“Process”

giggly · 14/09/2023 09:30

@StrawberryWater again your assuming that he can manage money.
My ASD adult daughter doesn’t know the value difference between £5, £20 or £100 and guess what no amount of teaching life skills will remedy this.
A little more education and understanding of ASD would be great.

Doopydoo · 14/09/2023 09:42

That’s a really lovely thing you have done for your BIL. Sounds like MIL doesn’t want him to have any independence or life, you are doing the right thing helping him to progress.
Its a disgrace she’s keeping his benefits for her own personal use.
You need to have a conversation about that. It’s financial abuse.

MansfieldLark · 14/09/2023 09:44

If something happened to your DH would you be left caring for bil?

SquishyGloopyBum · 14/09/2023 09:47

It sounds like he's thriving in your care. Collage is a really good next step.

Please look at the benefits issue though. There's something not right.

Princessbananahamock · 14/09/2023 09:53

Your mil is pocketing more than just half of his pip.I’m assuming he gets the high rate of both due to care needs. Therefore he more than likely gets the highest rate of esa/uc top up and those amounts are very high £140 per week just for esa alone he may get universal credit on top as a severe disability premium. You may be looking at £200 pw he should have available to meet his living expenses etc.
Your mil has been pocketing this. At the age of 16 the DWP class you as an adult for pip. Does she work? If she doesn’t she will also be receiving carers allowance of 67 pw. I bet she doesn’t want him to go to college, all the above will be raised. I believe that he will have an ehcp and the college will probably have to apply for funding for his placement, to get funding (I’m going by what I was told with regards to my son) they have to be on esa etc for funding to be put in place.

i think it the best thing that he is going to college ! You and your husband are doing a marvellous job, now be his advocate for his finances. It’s his money not your mother in laws, it’s for his expenses food clothes etc( I’m referencing the ESA here).

Bearpawk · 14/09/2023 10:35

I'd be doing the following
A. Tell her if she wants him cared for 24/7 at home she's welcome to do that herself
B. Reporting her for benefits fraud

Roundandnour · 14/09/2023 11:01

@gg7878 Contact UC and start the process to be his official appointee. You can also change the bank details to your account. They will request you follow up this in writing. He will also be claiming UC or ESA, again this money can be paid into your account. ESA will set up an appointment to ensure that he's happy for you to be his appointee. Unfortunately, his ESA/UC will be suspended during this time, but it all gets back dated.

The money that MIL is pocketing is not hers. It is awarded to him to meet his needs. If she is left short as a result, harsh, but she will have to look into improving her own income.

Depending how much money your husband earns, he could also claim carers allowance.

Of course independence should be supported as much as possible including at home doing things like getting him to help cook.

Unfortunately my mum did the same. Withheld his money from him and used it to spend on herself (yes this was proven). Blocked anything related to his independence and more. He's been under my care for the past few months and thriving. I was so bloody proud when he recently did a load of washing and so did he doing something "adult" at 30.

Beautiful3 · 14/09/2023 11:53

I worked with disabled adults for 8 years. He needs that dla, then you can transfer half to yourself. He can save the other half for supported living. Sounds like he's doing great at yours. Your mil is making him worse, which means he'll still be dependent when she dies. You're doing the right thing, to make him independent with guidance.

FictionalCharacter · 14/09/2023 11:59

He’s her son, she’s responsible for him not you. If she wants to forbid him to go to college she can look after him full time herself.

As a pp said, she’s stealing half of his benefits. Your DH should do something about that.

Motnight · 14/09/2023 12:11

Your MIL is financially abusing her son, a vulnerable adult.

Thank goodness he has you and your husband. But you need to be sensible and forward thinking and part of that is ensuring that your BIL receives what he is entitled to.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/09/2023 12:23

He sounds like a prrime candidate for supported living, rather than being infantalised by MIL which will only hold him back

Doubtless she'd go berserk at the very suggestion, but if you're the ones being expected to do the care then you call the shots - and wouldn't it be better to see him properly settled while you're still around to advocate for him?